Friday, September 22, 2006

It's official, I've totally abandoned my Democratic party

You Are a "Don't Tread On Me" Libertarian

You distrust the government, are fiercely independent, and don't belong in either party.
Religion and politics should never mix, in your opinion... and you feel opressed by both.
You don't want the government to cramp your self made style. Or anyone else's for that matter.
You're proud to say that you're pro-choice on absolutely everything!

I'm shocked

Slacker Kid

High school was a place you showed up occasionally, but you didn't really leave a mark.

You hated rules, authority, and structure. In fact, you still do.

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

A rant about God

Billiam the Conqueror wrote about why he believes in God last Friday. So, I was inspired to write the foregoing spiel about why we should develop a relationship with our Creator. Enjoy!

There are certain universal questions that we ask ourselves as human beings…Is there a God? Why are we here? The answer to these is as fleeting as a falling star and as difficult to grasp as eating Jell-o with chop sticks.

Here’s my take on the whole God & Creation thing…

The one mutuality we all share is the desire to know that our presence on this Earth has somehow effected and impacted those around us. But how do we measure the impact of our own existence? Simple, we don’t. The power is not ours and it will never be. We are no more capable of measuring the force of our life than the fish is capable of measuring how much water it displaces as it swims through the ocean. How do we measure the impact our lives have had on the human condition? We don’t, that power belongs only to our creator, to God.

Alfred Lord Tennyson once wrote, “I am a part of all that I have met.” We are all part of a collective and to assume otherwise is foolish. God put us on this Earth as a collective. Our mere presence in the world affects the rest of the world. This is the whole “a butterfly beats its wings in Africa and creates the hurricane that hits North America” philosophy.

To deny our role as curators of God’s museum, this very planet is to court disaster. We as a people need to honor God, we do this through faith. The concept of faith, in my opinion, has been perverted by years of religious angst. Faith is faith, not religion. Too many religious sects treat a relationship with God as an albatross around the neck, be they Muslim, Christian, Hindu, Buddhist, Daoism, etc. Faith is something to be celebrated, not denigrated. It doesn’t matter what faith you are, just that have faith.

Why do I bring up faith? Simple, we as human beings are made of three primary elements; mind, body, soul. And as such we were created by God, full of limitless potential. To truly honor God’s work we need to strengthen our being. We need to treat our bodies well by eating healthy and exercising. We need to tend to our brain pans by seeking out knowledge, educate ourselves, quit being stupid or wallowing in ignorance. And finally, we need to cultivate the soul.

Improving our bodies and minds is easy. But how do we develop our soul? The answer is not easy but I’ll do my amateurish best…

First off, we should do our best to introduce humility in our lives. His Holiness the Dalai Lama is one of the most influential men in the world but to hear him speak before 15,000 as he did this past Sunday here in Denver, you would swear you’re just chilling with someone’s grandpa. That’s humility.

Next, we must start treating members of our collective with understanding and grace. Too often we form a knee jerk reaction to that which annoys us. Don’t. Also, take it upon yourself to make someone smile.

Last, and most importantly, develop a relationship with God. The denomination or orthodoxy you choose is not important, a heart-felt union with God is vital. This is how we exercise our soul.

If we do not seek a relationship with God, be that deity Christ, Buddha, Allah, Yahweh, Jehovah, Elohim, Jah, or whatever, we defile what He has created, we neglect our soul, and retard our spiritual development. Have no doubt, spirituality is part of the soul and a fantastically powerful tool.

Another facet of our soul is creativity. The singular pursuit of being human should be that of creation and imagination. To build cathedrals among the stars, to fly on the wings of passion and imagination, to dream what was once thought impossible; to feel, if but for one fleeting moment, that we have been touched by the finger of our Creator. This is how we honor God. Trace ribbons in the sky with your mind and your ass will follow.

Someone much wiser than I once wrote, “No journey carries one far unless, as it extends into the world around us, it goes an equal distance into the world within.” (Lillian Smith) Maybe we should look inward in our search for God. Maybe, just maybe, the answer lies in our collective unconscious.

This introspective search is why I dissed my beloved Denver Broncos and made the pilgrimage to the Pepsi Center where His Holiness the Dalai Lama was speaking on Sunday. The experience was powerful. There sat one of the greatest leaders in the world, a man wanted by the Chinese government, being a wiseass and self-deprecating goofball. His humility shown through as completely genuine and his presence was both inspiring and calming. He didn’t elevate himself or his faith over anyone else’s. Hundreds of millions follow his teachings, including my dear friend Duditz, yet he wasn’t filled with piety or contradiction. He was just humble and down to Earth. He was at peace with himself and with God. We should all be so lucky.

Now before any of you smart asses start calling me Gimp Monk let me assuage your derision. I’m not a Buddhist; I’m just searching for answers, and ironically, creating more questions. Such is the nature of spirituality & faith. The journey is inward. Louise Bogan said, “The initial mystery that attends each journey is: how did the traveler reach his starting point in the first place?”

As I wind up this meandering tryst let me ask you to do something, for me and most of all for yourselves; keep the words of the Dalai Lama in mind, “This is my simple religion. There is no need for temples; no need for complicated philosophy. Our own brain, our own heart is our temple; the philosophy is kindness.” So, tomorrow, as you stroll through your daily lives take it upon yourself to make at least one person smile. Whether it’s with a joke, a joyous “Hello”, picking up someone’s shit that they drop, or via a compliment, take it upon yourself to illicit a smile from someone you’ve never met. You’ll be shocked at how much better you feel and how much closer to God you become.

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Testicle Tuesday...Real World hotties

Anyone who know's me is privy to my obsession with MTV's The Real World. I've been watching these mindless sycophantic brats for a decade and a half. One of the primary drawing cards of an ordinarily annoying cast is the bevy of beauties MTV has paraded before the camera. So here is my contribution to the morass of pop culture, the definitive countdown of the hottest girls in Real World history.

1. In compiling these TT countdowns I've never had an easier choice of who to put as Hottie No.1. Mallory Snyder was on the Paris cast and has also adorned the pages of the Bible of maledom...the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition.

2. Jacinda Barrett was part of the London cast and has went on to star in Ladder 49 and other bit parts. She's anAussie so her accent will melt steel.

3. Johanna Abotta was featured in the Austin season and was on the recently concluded Fresh Meat Real World/Road Rules Challenge. She just looks sweet.

4. Jamie Chung was recently voted the hottest girl on reality television by Stuff Magazine...I might put the afore mentioned Mallory Snyder at #1 but I can't really argue too much with their choice, can you?

Just a quick segue to next week, the girls on Road Rules are even yummier. Grrrrrrr.

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Just had to share this...

Man, just when you thought the Tanya & Nancy saga was the most bizarre sports story ever...

At my alma mater where I got my undergrad degree the football team is embroiled in controversy. Seems the backup punter is accused of assaulting and stabbing the starting punter in his leg...the kicking leg...the leg that got him a scholarship. The bench warmer, who's been been booted from his dorm room and has no Greeley address, is now out on $30,000 bond and faces serious criminal charges. There's no time frame on the return of the starting punter.


Let me repeat...


For the love of Ray Guy and everything holy, WTF!

The University of Northern Colorado is a Div. IAA, they're not even on television. What's mystifying is how the backup couldn't win the job, the starter is averaging a paltry 37.6 yards a punt.

Trust me when I say there is very little incentive to stay in Greeley, Colorado. It's in the middle of hail alley, the swath of land tha is home to the most frequent and violent hail storms on Earth. It stands adjacent to a ConAgra meat packing plant, a plant that was at one point the largest such facility in the world, and let me tell you the stench from the bovine ejectus when the wind is right will bring tears to your eyes, not to mention the fumes from the rending house where they burn off the blood, organ, and tissue waste. At times these odiferous eminations with leave a film on your toungue.

If Colorado was given an enema the hose would go in Greeley.

This is the setting of a sordid melodrama that would make the ancient Greeks issue a collective, "Huh?"

A punter at a Div. IAA school that rarely plays on TV bumping off the starting punter who can only kick 37 yards at a time in a town that is a cultural and scholastic black hole.

Wrap your minds around this...I dare you.

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Testicle Tuesday...sportin hotties

I love sports, so, naturally I thought it would be interesting to compile a list of the loveliest athletes in creation. And, eureka, here it is. Enjoy the luciousness of sporting femeninity...

1. Jennie Finch is a gold medal winning pitcher on the U.S. international softball squad and she's won numerous hot female athlete awards, and who am I to argue.

2. Many remember Jamie Sale as one half of the Canadian pairs figure skating duo that got jacked out of gold in the 2002 Winter Olympics because of the psycho French judge (a redunancy) but the Shrub remembers her for exuding hotness.

3. Regan Lauscher is the yummiest luger on Earth. She makes her sports living in skin-tight suits zooming down a bobsled track at 80mph.

4. Kati Wilhelm is a biathalon specialist. Now before you get any ideas about her sexual proclivities let me remind you the biathalon combines cross-country skiing with target shooting. She knows how to handle a rifle and she's German, so beware if she finds you annoying.

5. Amanda Beard was recently voted the sexiest female athlete in the world by FHM. Look at these pics and you'll understand why...

6. I chose Barrett Christy because she looks exactly like this girl I dated in high school who just happened to be the sweetest person I've ever known. Plus Barret can throw down on a snowboard, winning multiple Winter X-Games gold.

Friday, September 08, 2006


Paris Hilton, the ditsoid debutante heiress of the Hilton Hotel fortune got busted for a DUI. The fact she was driving after imbibing libations for hours is in no way shocking. We so saw this coming, like we saw the Jessica Simpson-Nick Lachey implosion from a mile away. I mean Ms. Hilton is a true Hollywood train wreck; B-list celebrity with alcoholic and narcissistic tendencies who's living off the fame of marginal hotness and the horrendously stupid and vapid reality show she did with now arch enemy Nicole "I'm not skinny enough" Ritchie. Her getting busted for a DUI is akin to Michael Jackson getting caught doing adolescent boys, we issue a collective "Duh" and move on.

What's appalling about this whole sordid story is the stunning lack of police corruption. The woman is cute and worth a bundle. The arresting officer couldn't think of more creative road-side jurisprudence. I'd demand a hotel, Ferrari, cruise, or gratuitous felatio. We all know Paris would comply with any of these simple requests. But nooooooo, the police pick this moment to be disturbingly noble and err on the side of law & order.

Where's the crooked/horny cop when you need one? Where's the compelled body cavity search? Where's the evasion of police procedure? Where's the stereotypical country pokie saying, "You sure got pertie lips"?

My world makes no sense anymore. I used to be able to wake in the morning and count on four things to center my universe; the French would be mind numbingly annoying, the Colorado Rockies would stink on ice, a national political figure would say or do something horribly stupid, and the police would continue to wallow in corruption.

There was a time when I could look upon my local constabulary and say with pride, "There goes the biggest bunch of criminal mother fuckers in the country." But the illusion is no more. And the Shakespearean irony is that of all people to walk the straight & narrow with it had to be when you pulled over the richest uber slut in California. Bravo.

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Testicle Tuesday...Hot Heroines

Today's intstalment features the hottest estrogen infused super heroes/villians in cinamatic history, in order of hotness...

1. Tie--Michelle Pfeiffer, Halle Berry...both of these scorching hot little kittens deserve their own coveted TT all to themselves. But, in the name of argumentation & debate, I thought I'd couple the two hottest versions of Cat Woman and just drink in the leather and who's hotter, Halle or Michelle...I can't decide.

2. Lost in the commercial success of Buffy the Vampire Slayer series was the fact Kristy Swanson was the original Buffy, and arguably more of a tasty treat.

3. Few starlets can match the raw sensuality Rebecca Romijn brings to the screen. Who will ever forget Becky all in blue playing the stunning and dastardly Mystique in the X-Men movies. God I love chicks who can carry off loud makeup and hair.

4. Many an hour of my pre-pubescent years was spent oggling Linda Carter's goodies as she pranced around as Wonder Woman. Tie me up with the lasoo of truth you little she-devil.

5. Batman & Robin was an utterly forgetable film. What was unforgetable was Alicia Silverstone scurrying about as Bat Girl in full body spandex. I love American cinema!

Great lawyer jokes

1. As the lawyer woke up from surgery, he asked, "Why are all the blinds drawn?" The nurse answered, "There's a big fire across the street, and we didn't want you to think you had died."

2. God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences once and for all. Satan heard this, laughed and said, "And where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?"

More to come...