Fluffiest Blog in the West

Testicle Tusday...the resurrection

2009-08-04T15:12:00.023-06:00

After popular demand, the beloved Testicle Tuesday posts are so back, with a vengeance.

Now, some reading this don’t quite appreciate my voracious appetite for feminine hotness. But stick with me; you just might learn a thing or two.

The first thing you’ll learn; I have exquisite taste in women. The second thing you’ll learn; I’m a bit of a pervert in a renaissance man’s body. I’ll sprinkle the sublimely hot hotties and their likenesses with a bit of whimsy. And yes, sprinkle may have been an unfortunate choice of words.

Now, we must preface this resurrection of an institution with a qualifier: certain hotties have already been immortalized in the TT Hall of Fame, and as such their visages have been retired from competition. They are: our patron saint Selma Hayak, uber British hottie Kate Winslet, and the best looking vampiress ever Kate Beckinsale. Together they form the Holy Trinity of Hotness. You may bow or pay homage in your own, decidedly salacious fashion. God knows I have.

On with the show. Since our last TT way back in April of 2008, some stunning ladies have thundered into our collective consciousness. So, in an effort to enlighten, and because the research is damn “satisfying”, I’ve come up with a contemporary “Best Of” list. The following are the 20 Hottest Women Never Featured in Testicle Tuesday. Yes, it’s an awkward mouthful of a title but I couldn’t come up with a better moniker, sue me.

20. Ellen Page-she flat out stole the show in Juno and was robbed of an Oscar for an unforgettable role. Plus she’s cute as hell.

19. Beyonce-maybe not the best singer in the world, the curvaceous Beyonce can legitimately lay claim to title of hottest pop diva on earth. And with a body like that, who am I to argue.

18. Kat Von D-the tattooed Von d is naturally gorgeous and has the whole bad girl persona down pat, an achingly hot combo. Such a freak is she ex Motley Crue bassist Nikki Sixx saw fit to hook up with Von D and has been at her side since 2008. Now, where’d I park my Harley.

17. Julianne Hough-quite possibly the most annoyingly chipper girl on the planet, Hough’s hotness cannot, I repeat, cannot, be denied.

16. Angelina Jolie-yes, it’s hard to fathom that the luscious Ms. Jolie has never been in TT. Alas, the sins of the father kinda thing. Jolie has an unreal body, one she’s not afraid to show early and often in several of her movies…God Love her.

15. Camilla Belle-she had an auspicious debut in main stream movies along side Elisha Cuthbert in The Quiet and followed that up with roles in the frankly bad remake of When A Stranger Calls and the truly awful 10,000 B.C. Oh well, ces la vie.

14. Blake Lively-Lively was part of both Sisterhoods Of The Traveling Pants and scorched up the screen, albeit in limited fashion, in Accepted. She has arguably the most electric smile in Hollywood.

13. Emma Stone-she is a self-professed nerd and lent hottie credibility to the riotously hysterical Superbad and the otherwise forgettable The Rocker and the House Bunny.

12. Katherine Heigl-star of Grey’s Anatomy and the blockbuster Knocked Up, Heigl brings old school, Marilyn Monroe type hotness to new school Hollywood. Plus, listening to her shout, “Boobs, boobs, boobs n’ bush, boobs n’ bush” in Knocked Up just got me all tingly.

11. Summer Glau-perhaps no sci-fi hottie has been revered and celebrated recently by the denizens of nerdom like Summer Glau. Such a nerd icon is she that the biblically important Big Bang Theory saw fit to immortalize her sultriness with a cameo. And let’s face it, she’s the one terminator no man would mind being pummeled by.

10. Eva Mendez-not only did she put her stamp of hotness all over Hitch and Ghost Rider, she has now expanded her resume by posing nude for a PETA anti-fur ad and posing topless in an Italian version of Vogue. And yes, I dropped the keyboard twice while typing that last sentence.

9. AnnaLynn McCord-um, yeah, this just in…holy god is she hot. McCord steamed up the set in a lesbian tryst scene in F/X series Nip Tuck with another entrant on this countdown. If you don’t think I didn’t DVR that episode you are out of your damn mind.

8. Marissa Miller-one of the most photographed faces in the world, Miller has a body that could stop traffic.

7. Paz Vega-part of the Spanish invasion of hotness, along with Selma Hayak, Penelope Cruz, Daisy Fuentes, and Jessica Alba, Vega has had roles in 10 Items Or Less, Spanglish, and The Spirit.

6. Kaley Cuoco-is the lone bright spot of femininity in the nerdish sausage fest laugh out loud tryst that is Big Bang Theory. Cuoco cut her teeth during the final season of Charmed and has been an uber hottie since.

5. Minka Kelly-is the sultry cheerleader with a knack for hooking up with quarterbacks in NBC’s Friday Night Lights, Kelly is the daughter of Aerosmith guitarist Rick Dufay. As such she is easily the hottest offspring from that entire band.

4. Jordana Brewster-she’s been in a boat load of popular movies: The fast & The furious, Annapolis, Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning, and The Faculty. Brewster has dated such luminaries as Mark Wahlberg, Derek Jeter, and Mark McGrath.

3. Tricia Helfer-no Cylon in the history of creation was hotter than Ms. Helfer. So adept at playing a villainess, Helfer was the creepy yet ever so supple Carla, Michael Westin’s main antagonist in Season 2 of USA’s Burn Notice. Too bad they killed her off…the horror, the horror.

2. Megan Fox-leave it to Fox to eclipse the otherworldly special effects juggernauts that were the Transformer movies. But that’s precisely what she did. It’s not hard to imagine why when you gaze into those hypnotic eyes.

1. Rhona Mitra-essentially replacing Kate Beckinsale in Underworld: Rise of The Lycans, Mitra has also had roles in Doomsday, Skinwalkers, and the afore mentioned lesbian scene in Nip Tuck. And she was the live model for the scamps who created videogame hottie Lara Croft.

Testicle Tuesday...part 2 (continue from last week)

2008-04-15T13:28:00.006-06:00

The following is a continuation from last week's TT...

Hope Solo (soccer)

Becky Hammmon (basketball)

Alisa Camplin (skiing)

Niki Gudex (mountain biking)

Lokelani McMichael (triathlon)

Testicle Tuesday...hottest female athletes you've probably never heard of...

2008-04-08T10:48:00.001-06:00

As an admitted perv and sports fiend, one of the natural progressions of the beloved TT is to highlight under the radar sporting vixens that are second to none in the asthetics department.

Veronica Kay-surfing

Malia Jones-surfing

Karina Petroni-surfing

Gretchen Blieler-snowboarding

Gina Carano-mixed martial arts

Erica Blasberg-golf

Ana Paula Mancino-volleyball

Ashley Force-drag racing

Next week...part 2

Testicle Wednesday...historic hotness

2008-04-02T11:20:00.009-06:00

As a fan of movies, and ridiculously obsessed denizen of hotness, I find myself constantly perusing the mind's file cabinet in an effort to infuse this blog's weekly ritual with creative flair...and the movies is precisely where we get this week's installment of the beloved Testticle Tuesday in Wednesday's garb. One of my favorrite genres is those historical epics; ala Gladiator, Braveheart, Troy, and Alexander. So I give you histories hotties as seen through hollywood goggles.

Eva Green from Kingdom of Heaven

Connie Nielsen from Gladiator

Saffron Burrowss from Troy

Diane Kruger from Troy

Sophie Marceau from Braveheart

Catherine McCormack from Braveheart

Angelina Jolie from Alexander and Beowulf

Sorry y'all...

2008-04-01T20:23:00.001-06:00

My internet's been down all day thanks to Comcast...freakin morons! I'll post Testicle Tuesday tomorrow.

Testicle Tuesday...the girls of American Pie

2008-03-25T13:58:00.006-06:00

Every once in a while a movie catches you totally off guard. That's what happened when I first saw American Pie. The movie generated a huge buzz in the college town I lived at the time. But since its biggest fans were insipid dumbasses I wasn't expecting much. Boy was I pleasanntly surprised! What unfolded was a raunchy tour de comedy that had me rolling. Another surprise was the hotness quotient of its female cast. In tribute to a comedy classic I bring you the American Pie hotties!

Words do not begin to describe the sexy yet hilarious bedroom scene wherein Shannon Elizabeth made young Jim experience premature *eh hem*...twice.

Tara Reid was chunkier in the original AP than her current slender and ever so sexy physique.

Mena Suvari went on to tempt Kevin Spacy in American Beaauty, causing nearly every male that saw the movie to entertain thoughts of scantily clad high school chicks showering in rose pedals.

Alyson Hannigan really came into her hotness on Buffy The Vampire Slayer and How I Met Your Mom. "Say my name bitch!"

Testicle Tuesday...gotta love those blood suckers

2008-03-18T16:14:00.003-06:00

I'm an unabashed fan of vampire movies and hot women. When you combine the two I get damn near catatonic with glee. Here are the most memorable female vampires in television & cinema history, minus the recently immortalized Selma Hayak (From Dusk Til Dawn) and Kate Beckinsale (Underworld).

Sadie Frost played the juicy red maned vampiric vixen in Bram Stoker's Dracula. So hot was she you nearly forgot the movie had Winona Ryder, Keaneu Reaves, Anthony Hopkins, and Gary Oldman.

Julie Benz was the hottest female vampire on TV in the Buffy series.

When I first saw The Lost Boys in the late 80's my initial thought was, "Jamia Gertz should have been naked at least once."

One of the most bizarre and eerily captivating vampire flicks was The Hunger. In it David Bowie played the lover of fellow vampire Catherine Deneuve. Deneuve plays an ageless and scorching hot vampire who sired Bowie's character centuries earlier. An atmospheric yet tedious and slow movie, The Hunger highlights Deneuve's flawless visage.

Aaliya died in a plain crash shortly after the filming of Queen of the Damned and six months before its release...may she rest in peace.

There's a new series on CBS called Moonlight, wherein Shannyn Sossamon stars as an on again, off again minion of vampiric beauty.

Later y'all.

Testicle Tuesday...I wanna be a supermodel

2008-03-11T12:33:00.013-06:00

As a result of a Testicle Tuesday a few weeks back a debate was kindled about who was the first true supermodel. While I detest fashion magazines, most fashion models, eating disorders, sanctimony, and the vapid bitches who immerse themselves in this crap for a living, I will not deny the industry has given us testosterone mobiles spankalicious fodder for our selatious inner male. Here are the priciples in the debate...

Lisa Fonssagrives is considered by many to be the first true supermodel.

Twiggy showed us that bluring the line between the genders can be eerily sexy.

Mmmmmmmmmmmm, Paulina...what a freakin' hottie. I loved her posing in lurid lesbian pics with Madonna.

Margaux Hemmingway, grandgaughter of the one & only Ernest Hemmingway, died tragically and ironically 24 hours before the 35th anniversary of the suicide death of her iconic grandpa.

Linda Evangelista is probably most famous for her qoute, "We don't get out of bed for less than $10,000 a day."

Claudia Schiffer earned $12 million a year at the heighth of her career.

I'll never forget Dennis Leary's infamous C-TV rant when he said MTV should change its moniker because Cindy Crawford was so hot she deserved her own network.

Cheryl Tiegs was one of the first true iconic fashion models and has aged exquisitely well.

Carol Alt is so hot this is her second TT nod in the last month.

Elle MacPherson established her status as a personification of beauty while adorning the pages of the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue, as well as hundreds of magazine covers worldwide.

Ummmmmmmm, words do not begin to describe the way in which this swimsuit attempts to cover the naughty bits of one Christie Brinkley. God love dental floss!

May we all be so brave for so long

2008-03-07T20:18:00.003-07:00

Ran across this story on CNN.com.

A hearty salute to a true national treasure. Honor him, he was a soldier.

Testicle Tuesday...young & hot

2008-03-04T16:08:00.003-07:00

As a public service it is my duty to inform you of up & coming hotness, and these ladies are gonna scorch up the screen for decades...Thank God.

Kristen Bell was yummy as the new arch villian on NBC's Heroes.

Sophia Bush was the heroine in the forgettable remake of the 80's classic The Hitcher.

Testicle Tuesday...Celebrity Apprentice

2008-02-26T08:01:00.006-07:00

Donald Trump and the producers at NBC are freakin geniuses. They took the solid yet somewwhat tired Apprentice concept and spiced it up with celebrity ego and hotness. Here are the best of Clebrity Apprentice hotties in motion.

A former Playboy Playmate (God love her), Tiffany Fallon had the dubious honor of being the first Trump apprentice to hear "Your Fired". Damn Trump for firing the red hot Fallon and not dumping that vapid screeching harpy bitch Omarosa.

Marilu Henner was smokin in the TAXI years and is still yummy. She got the axe last Thursday.

Thank God Ivanka Trump didn't inherit her fathers fashion sense.

Carol Alt has been called the world's first true super model. Though Cheryl Teegs and Christie Brinkley might debate the point there's no debating Ms Alt is just stunning.

Jennie Finch may be the most beautiful female athlete on earth but was fired a couple weeks ago.

As a public service I refuse to honor Omarosa with a coveted TT endorsement...she's just a scary looking bitch.

From the wire...

2008-02-21T16:36:00.002-07:00

Seems a PETA disciple wants to effect a personal name change. Fish are people too!

Please stay behind the white courtesy line…what, blue?! WTF?!

The city and county of Denver is pledging $5 Million in security for the DNC in August. In a related note the Denver area adult entertainment industry is “pledging” their support for the thousands of Democrats that will flock to Denver for the convention. Said one adult emporium proprietor, “After the convention I’ll be able to retire a wealthy man.”

Under the heading of “You can put a dress on a pig…”

The two largest breweries in America are subject to various state AG probes into their marketing of alcohol spiked with caffeine. How can this be wrong? My high school and college careers would have been far more distinguished had there been stimulants in all those ingested intoxicants.

No, no, no, no…Sharper Image is in danger of folding!

Now the state wants to take milk away from children…bastards!

Damned if you do…what’s a cunning linguist to do?

Compelled volunteerism…sounds oxymoronic

I give the over-under on this at July 30th PLEEEEEEEEEEEASE!!!!!!!!!!!

Oops!

Testicle Tuesday...hot female music stars

2008-02-19T10:50:00.006-07:00

Boy do I love music. Boy do I love sexy women. Combine the two and you have a nearly perfect confluence of yummy goodness. In order, the hottest of the musical set are*...

1. Gwen Stefani

2. Shakira

3. Rihanna

4. Fergie

5. Amy Lee

*In no way does this list constitute an endorsement of the music of these ladies. In fact, all but Amy Lee and her group Evanescence put out shitty music.

Shut up

2008-02-16T13:47:00.002-07:00

Over the last two weeks two stories have dominated the sports landscape; Roger Clemens and his alleged steroid use, and the now infamous Spygate cheating scandal involving the New England Patriots and head coach Bill Belichick. And these stories have played out in a most unlikely forum…the United States Congress.

Everyone who hasn’t been comatose for the last month knows perhaps the greatest right handed pitcher of all time has been embroiled in one of the nastiest public relations battles ever witnessed in American sports. At stake is no less than the legacy of one of the true living legends of baseball and the credibility of this nation’s pastime, Major League Baseball.

In an eerily similar fashion, the legacy of arguably the only dynasty the NFL has had since Dallas won three championships in four seasons fifteen years ago is being questioned by higher powers. The so-called Spygate Scandal threatens the perception of the Patriots as being a clean and scarily consistent juggernaut. At stake is three Super Bowl victories and whether these championships will sit forever in legend or in taint of cheating.

And in perverse fashion these two seemingly unrelated stories involving two different professional sports leagues will be forever linked in infamy because of the misguided and draconian actions of Congress. At the forefront of these issues are the House Committee on Oversight and Government Reform and the Senate Judiciary Committee, and there respective mouthpieces California Representative (D) Henry Waxman and Pennsylvania Senator Arlen Specter.

It begs the question…from whence does Congress deem its authority reaches the inner workings of professional sports?

The following quote from Senator Arlen Specter is illustrative; “I am very concerned about the underlying facts on the taping, the reasons for the judgment on the limited penalties and, most of all, on the inexplicable destruction of the tapes.” Apperently Specter’s sense of propriety was violated by the NFL destroying the now infamous Spygate tapes and a Senate investigation is now in the offing. So now millions of dollars will be wasted to exact a vendetta against Roger Goodell and the NFL. I wonder if the fact Specter’s second highest contributer (opensecrets.org) Comcast was rejected by the NFL for a eight game broadcast proposal has anything to do with his motivation. To compound the matter Senate Judiciary Chairman Patrick Leahy says he will support any future investigation into the alleged cheating ways of the Patriots. And it is almost assured the fact the Jets were accused of the same thing will be completely ignored, as will be the accusation of the St. Louis Rams improperly spying on Patriots’ practices prior to their Super Bowl XXXVI meeting. Even Kurt Warner said the matter should be pursued.

According to former Dallas Cowboys and Miami Dolphins coach Jimmy Johnson, such unapproved surveillance was fairly rampant; “Bill Belichick was wrong because he videotaped signals after a memo was sent out to all of the teams saying not to do it. But what irritates me is hearing some reactions from players and coaches. These players don't know what their coaches are doing. And some of the coaches have selective amnesia because I know for a fact there were various teams doing this. That's why the memo was sent to everybody. That doesn't make [Belichick] right, but a lot of teams are doing this.”

And now, according to SportsIllustrated.CNN.com, the Patriots are now being sued for $100 million by former Rams’ player Willie Gary for the loss in SB XXXVI.

Then there’s the Roger Clemens fiasco. For the sake of economy we won’t delve into the guilt or innocence of Clemens. Instead, we’ll concentrate on the mechanism by which Clemens and MLB are being judged.

The rationale by which the House is interjecting itself into an admittedly ugly steroid scandal is as specious as its Senatorial counterpart. This latest hearing was spawned by the now famous Mitchell Report that fingered dozens of current and former baseball players as being the beneficiary of performance enhancing drugs. And ironically the Mitchell report was inspired by the 2005 hearing by the same House Committee, the very hearing wherein Mark McGuire sat in stoic defiance and Raphael Palmeiro wagged his lying finger to an incredulous panel of representatives.

Maryland Democrat Elijah Cummins said this in response to the 4 ½ hour hearing; “So anybody who has any interest in sports had to at least hear about it. I had people coming up to me saying 'I was glued to the television.' We got probably 100 phone calls. So the issue was raised. So if we're able to cause one child to say 'I'm not going the steroids route,' if we're able to save one life, I think it's well worth it.”

In a mea culpa moment Waxman said he regretted the holding the hearing, “I think Clemens and McNamee both came out quite sullied, and I didn't think it was a hearing that needed to be held in order to get the facts out about the Mitchell report.” Waxman then insisted the proceedings were convened at the request of Clemens and his attorneys.

Pardon me if I am so bold as to say Waxman and his cohorts come out as the sullied ones in this equation. The true victim in this tale is the American sporting public. We are now led to believe that Congress is an appropriate forum to resolve disputes regarding professional sports.

This falls squarely under the heading of misguided and draconian use of authority. The troubling thing about these sordid events is the fact our nation’s highest political officers have seen fit to use Congressional resources to investigate wholly private sector dealings. No where in the record of either the House or Senate is it alleged the NFL or MLB violated federal law or any anti trust regulation.

There is no violation of anti trust law. There is no violation of federal regulation. There is no violation of state law or regulation. This is a hollow gesture by self aggrandizing stuffed shirts who are drunk with oversight power. How can Congress hold the NFL & MLB accountable to law that doesn’t exist? Only if they exceed their mandate of authority can Congress interject itself into this debate. The only conceivable rationale by which Congress can dink MLB and Roger Clemens is for violating federal substance abuse laws. But Clemens has not tested positive and his main accuser has all the credibility of your average professional wrestler. Additionally, MLB has not violated federal drug laws by being blissfully ignorant of its own foibles.

By their own admission the NFL already investigated Spygate and handed down the maximum fine against those involved, including the forfeiture of a first round draft pick in April. Yes baseball has buried its head in the sand regarding the steroid issue but that is their right, albeit a foolish idea.

Some have forwarded the claim that Congressional oversight is necessary to reverse public perception about cheating in sports and that they will be an accurate barometer of how to police entities that until now have been relied upon to police themselves. The NFL and MLB are privately held entities that receive no federal subsidies. As such their application of internal policies should be entirely outside the realm of Congressional intervention. If Congress can dictate to the NFL & MLB how to govern themselves then the average sports fan will eventually have to bow in kind.

In closing I would urge everyone to ignore the Congressional preening and tell Specter, et al. to shut the *bleep* up.

Testicle Tuesday...Billiam's birthday edition

2008-02-12T17:40:00.001-07:00

Seems we've had a run of birthdays lately. By my count over the last month, Billiam, Waterboy, and yours truly, have celebrated 132 years of life on this earth. Damn, a century and a third between the three of us. That's a lot of agony inflicted upon the world. And since Billiam was so kind, and disturbingly insistent, I've compiled a TT tribute to the women who wind the Conqueror's clock.

Anyone who's seen the X-Men trilogy knows few can fill out a leather jumper like Famke Janssen.

Heather Locklear has been a member of the 80's cabal of sultriness since the T.J. Hooker days, right on through her Tom Cruise/Scott Biao faze, and her metal vixen ways. Remember, before Pamela Anderson was impaled upon Tommy Lee's monster member, Ms. Locklear was banging Lee and Richie Sambora.

God how I love dark haired and stacked women. And they don't come better proportioned than Catherine Bell. I defy you to watch JAG and not develop the urge to join the marines with the remote hope of seeing the stunning Ms. Bell sans uni.

Even in her 60's Jaclyn Smith is still one of the finest women on the planet. Charlie's Angels featured Ms. Smith at her sultry finest.

Even though Billiam requested Selma Hayek her visage has been retired out of respect to her unbelievable hotness.

In defense if libertarianism

2008-02-10T16:04:00.000-07:00

To contend libertarianism is a vestige of agrarian days past is a fallacy. There are genuine contemporary issues that fall squarely within the states' rights arena; gay marriage, Bush v Gore, Lawrence v Texas (which thankfully overturned Bowers v Hardwick), medical marijuana, affirmative action, universal suffrage, etc., and libertarianism asserts these along with a host of other issues should be decided on the state level. Hence, libertarianism is the most sure method for ensuring individual liberty as the states are far more accurate barometers of the will of the people.

Libertarianism advocates, as Ron Paul does, a non-interventionist foreign policy, something neither the Democrats nor Republicans can claim. It's not unreasonable to assume that had the U.S not employed such a heavy handed policy approach to the Middle East we wouldn't be at war in two countries and contemplating attacking a third. Conceivably had the U.S not attacked North Korea or North Vietnam, over 100,000 dead US soldiers might be alive today, not to mention the angst created here at home during Vietnam and the millions dead in SE Asia. As a result of the Korean and Vietnam conflicts, the fall of communism was accelerated by maybe 5-10 years, hardly worth the financial and human cost. A libertarian president would have never prolonged or instigated those conflicts.

Shouldn't the individual governments, i.e. state and municipal, be given the autonomy to make bad decisions? Shouldn't our system be a meritocracy instead of an egalitarian utopia where the federal government is bestowed with more wisdom than it possesses? It has been demonstrated time and again that the feds are as, if not more, incompetent than their smaller cousins. Government is a flawed entity but a necessary evil and the choice to adhere to one construct or another should be made on a more intimate basis, a rationale that ensures the will of the people is more accurately reflected. A vast federal bureaucracy is what ensured Bush v Gore was the law of the land, all despite no precedent and the Court's one-time-only qualification (something never done in Supreme Court history). It is a logical outcome because the locale one resides in is far more cognizant of local standards than an entity 2500 miles to the east.

Expecting the powers that be in Washington to govern with any meaningful restraint at the local level is foolish. I don't see how an expansion of government power is covetous of individual liberty. That's akin to saying a fat lion is less ravenous than a skinny one. Both will wage war to preserve their station. A massive federal mechanism does not ensure individual liberty as it is unwise, incompetent, and unqualified. I'd rather err on the side of supporting a smaller government, one that may not be more qualified but can more accurately reflect the will of the individual. The Constitution was written so that the system functioned from the bottom up, i.e. the states dictate to the feds. When federal government functions with little to no fear of the people it will no longer be controlled by the people and is therefore unaccountable and drunk with power.

Some will contend that federalism will lead inexorably to mass migration of business overseas and people from one state to another. Only one state has even come close to outlawing abortion, the schools were desegregated via Brown v BOE, work place safety laws are nearly universal, child protection laws are nearly universal, etc. Concepts that are truly noxious to individual liberty will differ little, if any, from state to state. The concept of "philosophical cleansing" that some fear would not happen...much ado about nothing I say. Taxes and socio-economic status will exist in stratus and no amount of government intervention will eradicate poor and rich folk. To constrain small or big business in such draconian fashion as is practiced here in the U.S. will stifle economic growth. Government and business are intertwined by a common trait and will ruthlessly squelch any attempt to undermine their autonomy...too bad the individual lacks the same mindset. The marketplace is the most sure method of reining in corporate excess, not draconian legislation. Wal-Mart for all its vile business practices is the largest private employer on earth and forth largest commercial employer. If you supress the environment in which Wal-Mart operates too much millions will suffer as other employers will be effected. If the yoke was loosened from 'round the neck of business, both large and small, just a skosh you might find the environment is more habitable. The point is a federal bureaucracy should not control business, as the corporate sector is the life blood of our economy, and a true capitalistic libertarian mindset ensures economic growth.

What do you think drove certain industries to move capital offshore? Heavy handed regulation. It's insane to impose labor union mentalities to a service oriented economy yet there the outmoded unions sit driving costs up and stifling productivity, as does an intrusive government rationale. It's insane to offer government subsidies to big business as is paternalistic regulation. Corporate welfare, the kind that gave the airline industry a multi-billion dollar bailout right after 9-11 and the kind that pays farmers to keep grain in silos to keep costs up, is counter productive; it strips away accountability, and leads to a corporate nanny state as does protectionist governmental policy.

In this information age where 70% of American households have internet, 99% have telephone & TV, and nearly all have access to multiple channels of information, you simply don't have the luxury of saying the info is too difficult to obtain. That's abetting a lazy mentality where far too many vote without regard to issue or candidate viability. It is one's duty to exercise your ability to gather information, as an uneducated vote props up a flawed system. That's precisely how Jr got elected president...TWICE. I have no sympathy for someone who says information is too difficult to obtain.

Libertarianism is the only method to ensure liberty and national prosperity.

Testicle Tuesday...this day in history

2008-02-05T16:23:00.001-07:00

This day in history…

1778-South Carolina becomes first state to ratify the Articles of Confederation
1919-Charlie Chaplin, Mary Pickford, Douglas Fairbanks, D.W. Griffith launch United Artists
1945-WWII-General Douglas Macarthur returns to Manila
1971-Apollo 14-Alan Shepard and Edgar Mitchell land on the moon

Births
1919-Red Buttons
1934-Hank Aaron
1942-Roger Staubach
1943-Michael Mann
1964-Duff McKagen (Gunz-n-Roses)
1969-Bobby Brown
1971-Shrubbery

Yes ladies & gentlemen, today is your humble host’s birthday. And since it’s the day my dear mother unleashed a spawn of perdition upon an unsuspecting world, what better way to celebrate than a treasured Testicle Tuesday with alluring pics of my fellow Aquarians.

Sara Evans 1971

Laura Linney 1964

Jennifer Jason Leigh 1962

Barbara Hershey 1948

Charlotte Rampling 1946

Ummm, I'm innocent...I swear

2008-02-04T17:42:00.000-07:00

Seems a handful of bongs/water pipes were stolen from an adult entertainment emporium. Even though this theft combines two of my favorite things, mind altering substances and the trappings thereof and porn stores, I was 1000 miles away. But I wouldn't blame you if you were suspicious.

There's a flatus amongst us

2008-02-04T17:30:00.000-07:00

Bwhahahahaha, detention for odiferous emination! My entire senior class would have swamped these little miscreants with clouds of noxious vapors that would have made a buzzard puke. Amatuers!

2008-02-04T09:51:00.000-07:00

As I posted on Saturday the lengths to which government will go to legislate away the undesirable is out of control. The gubmint is drunk with power and unfortunately too few of us common folk seem outraged. Well, wise up, be pissed, and very affraid.

Now Hillary Clinton, the prohibitive favorite to assume the throne of president come November, is now proposing those who do not purchase health care insurance be punished for their ommission.

If you aren't deeply concerned by such paternalistic impulses from the most visible matriarchal figure in the world you should be slapped like a San Andreas hooker. If you are not genuinely troubled by such invasive government, the very same entity that is trying to legislate away obesity and childhood slovenliness, you're an idiot.

Government, as is its want, will wage a singularly brutal yet clandestine war on our civil liberties. And the only check on this gluttony is.....the people.

We as citizens of the United States have abdicated our God given right and self imposed duty to advocate for ourselves and resist the tyranny of the state. We are the only truly culpable factors in this equation. We no longer have the luxury of glossing over the very nature of government. It is bred into the DNA of government to expand its own power, as surely as the lion will stalk and kill other furry creatures of the savanah. And for us to ignore and appease an absolute universal attribute of an entity we see as our salvation is unconscionable. I have gazed upon the eye of the enemy and he is me.

The more we let government become intertwined with our daily existance the more entanglement we will have to extract our collective asses from, a gauntlet that will make the bokage country of France look like a field of sunflowers.

Wake up y'all, wake the fuck up!

Oh hell no...

2008-02-02T17:09:00.000-07:00

Some enterprising law makers are now legislating away obesity. If they come after my burrito there will be war.

More Movday...

You've got to be kidding me

2008-01-26T10:31:00.000-07:00

Seems an enterprising law maker in New Mexico wants to tax video games and televisions to reduce childhood obesity.

In other news the United States Congress has announced a plan to reduce illiteracy by mandating Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan attend community college.

Another plan was introduced to curb the national debt; Congress will seize the proceeds from the sale of Amy Whinehouse and Lohan's drug paraphernalia.

A highway beautification bill was introduced wherein Hillary Clinton will not be allowed to ride in a convertable with the top down.

Testicle Tuesday...Descent into hotness

2008-01-22T17:32:00.000-07:00

As an unabashed fan of horror movies I gleefully await new homages to carnage on the silver screen. It's one of my vices, especially if there is an all female cast. So when The Descent ushered in a new concept of ass kicking hotties spelunking in a Hell's Cauldronesque cave repleet with demonic hordes bbent on canibalistic festivities I became giddy with anticipation. So here is my tribute to the cast of The Descent.

Shauna McDonald

Natalie Mendoza

Nora-Jane Noone

Saskia Mulder & MyAnna Buring

Alex Reid

Testicle Tuesday...foursome from heaven

2008-01-15T16:33:00.000-07:00

I've never wanted to be a piece of cotton adorned with a Coca-Cola label so badly in my life...thank you Carrie Underwood.

Amy Dumas, aka Lita, was the best and only reason to watch the WWE circa 2000.

I defy you to find a more hypnotic pair of green eyes than those possessed by the gorgeous Amanda Peet.

She's tall, athletic, and goofy. A near perfect symbiosis of hotness and personality. Hello Cameron Diaz.

Testicle Tuesday...HAPPY BIRTHDAY WATERBOY!!!

2008-01-08T09:15:00.000-07:00

In honor of Waterboy's B'Day, and as per his request, I bring the TT All-Time Top Ten.
Note: As Selma Hayak is now our patron saint, her visage has been retired from the pantheon of Testicle Tuesday.

So here is the TT Top Ten...

10. Demi Moore, Waterboy's opus, has been an uber hottie since the days of Saint Elmo's Fire. Waterboy's dying wish...tobe Ashton Krutcher for a day.

9. Rachel Hunter was a Sports Illustrated swimsuit model and star of the now infamous Stacy's Mom video.

8. Jennifer Lopez first appeared opposite Wesley Snipes and Woody Harrelson in Money Train and was married to Ben Afflek and now Enrique Iglesias.

7. Scarlett Johansson is a curvy tour de hottness.

6. I would drink Kate Winslet's bath water.

5. Super model par excelence, Gisele Bundchen.

4. The only knock on Jennifer Garner is her doofy husband.

3. In 50 years when historians look back Halle Berry will be compared to Marilyn Monroe, Sophia Loren, Helen of Troy, and Nefertiti as one of the hottest women in world history.

2. Mandy Moore may not be known for her acting skills or ability to pick a decent script but her beauty is unassailable.

1. The highest compliment I can pay the gorgeous Kate Beckinsale is to say she has been considered for image retirement from TT as an homage to her stunning perfection.

Ringing in the New Year with...

2008-01-01T11:26:00.000-07:00

TESTICLE TUESDAY!!!!!

I've selected a few uber hotties for their, um, hotness. Who doesn't like nubile lasses who enjoy strutting their stuff on camera and in next to nothing.

Lena Headey has starred in 300, and The Cave & Imagine Me And You

Wherein she shared a romantic kiss (actually several) with best friend and fellow hottie...
Piper Perabo, oh ye of Cayote Ugly fame.

Keira Knightley is just smokin in the Pirates of the Carribean movies.

Rachel Weisz has turned in one sultry performance after another since her debut in The Mummy.

As a public service I pledge to once again make this a weekly feature, as Billiam and Waterboy seem to like TT very much, a little too much but who am I to judge.

New look

2007-12-26T20:47:00.000-07:00

As you can see, his Shurbbiness messed around with the format. Let me know how you like it.

A tribute to the godfather...and interplanetary funksmanship

2007-12-21T19:41:00.000-07:00

Oh yeah, put a glide in your stride and a dip in your as we prepare to land the mothership.

The P-funk connection is in full effect as we pay homage to the godfather of funk, the immortal George Clinton.

He whom presides over a nation of funk, one nation under a groove, the great Dr. Funkenstein, dedicated to the preservation of the motion of hips.

So if you concentrate and focus the funk in your junk, you just might land the mothership. But have your boarding passes ready because the ship has limited seating. Only those who are down with the funk are permitted.

Enlightenment is eminent if you free your consciousness and feel the rhythm and the rhyme.

After the mothership comes you better be ready to ride, because it’s gonna tear the roof off the mother…

Put your tray tables in the upright and locked position as we prepare for takeoff. If you look out the window you’ll see the eminent Atomic Dog. Then The P’s mortal enemies, Sir Nosedevoidoffunk and the ominous Maggot Brain, will try to ground the ship but if you’ve achieved proper funk enlightenment they will be defeated.

With the help of the Funkateers, Uncle Jam, Starchild, Bootsy’s Rubber Band, and Bootzilla, we will reclaim the pyramids…because no one is too cool to dance.

Free your mind and your ass will follow because mother earth is pregnant a third time.

Starchild, armed with his bop gun, shall bestow funkentelechy upon humanity, ridding us of the stench of unfunkiness.

So we journey to Atlantis, a place where you can swim under water without getting wet, where Mr. Wiggles will return the funk to Sir Nose, who dances the aqua boogie.

And as always we return to the side of the godfather of funk, George Clinton. Motown spawned this creative genius as the New Jersey native dropped a bomb on our musical consciousness that would resonate to seismic proportions.

In the late 60’s early 70’s Clinton convened the Parlaiment-Funkadelic, truly a cosmic convergence. And the denizens of funk were whipped into frenzy.

Such ground-breaking musicians as Eddie Hazel, Bootsy Collins, Michael Hampton, and Bernie Worrell fueled a musical revolution that would stoke the fires of rap & hip hop, 80’s funk, alternative (particularly the Red Hot Chili Peppers), and modern day R&B.

There’s a reason why this group of funkaholics were inducted into the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame in 1997 and have been deified as one of the best bands of all time by every publication from SPIN Magazine to Rolling Stone…they are that damn good.

As we bring this ride to a halt we train our eyes to the speaker system and pray they don’t blow. Put on Cosmic Slop and crank it to a truly righteous level as this is the only way to properly pay homage to one of music’s true pioneers.

Put a glide in your stride and a dip in your hip…because nobody is too cool to dance.

Illegal immigration...the solution

2007-12-07T15:06:00.000-07:00

As a self-proclaimed free thinker I pride myself on coming up with unique solutions to divisive issues. And no topic on the political landscape, save perhaps abortion and capital punishment, engenders the passion and fury as that of immigration. Yet this most discordant of issues is not without an amicable solution.

The United States shares the longest continuous border in the world with Canada, coincidentally the longest non-militarized border on Earth. But those kooky Canucks are staying on their side of the line so we’ll discuss this boundary at a later date…if ever.

The U.S.-Mexico border is the most traversed international boundary in the world, both in terms of legal and illegal crossings…fully 250,000,000 per year. 2,000 miles of border being treated like a hopscotch table, equating to 125,000 crossings per mile per year.

And illegal immigration has become the hot button topic of the upcoming presidential campaign.

So, in my continued effort to think outside the box whilst enlightening the masses as to my evil genius, I’ve devised a fool proof and egalitarian approach to stemming the tide of illegal crossings along our southern border.

The eastern half of the U.S.-Mexico border, the Rio Grand, travels 1,254 miles from just upstream from El Paso, Texas, to the Gulf of Mexico. Millions upon millions of illegal crossings occur along the Rio Grand every year.

Here’s how we deal with this part of the U.S.-Mexico border. We find a handful of the best zoologists and big game hunters in the country and send them on safari in Africa. We give them a ton of bait and tranquilizer darts and send them after the deadly Nile crocodile. These nasty reptiles can grow to eighteen feet in length and reach a weight of 2,000 pounds. They are one of the most efficient killing machines ever on earth, quite capable of devouring a human, and the bite of a Nile crocodile has been measured at 3,000 pounds per square inch. Our intrepid hunters and zoologists will trap thousands of those buggers and transport them to the Rio Grand. Then for added fun, we send a bunch of fishermen with big nets to the Amazon River in South America where they can catch thousands of the legendary piranhas. These blood thirsty fish can strip a capybara corpse of every ounce of flesh in twelve minutes.

The Rio will be transformed from a placid, gentle river to a tempest of teeth and bad attitudes.

Now that we’ve taken care of border security for Texas, we need to address the remaining 750 miles of land border. You are gonna love this…

You buy a ton of paint, day-glow orange, and clearly mark the rest of the border. You then create a ten mile buffer zone that is marked off in a giant grid, not unlike a giant bingo card. Throughout this zone you plant millions of landmines, and mark them…incorrectly. Now here is the kicker…you install video cameras every quarter mile and televise the festivities. People can bet on which square the unfortunate border jumpers land when they trip a mine. You call it “Immigration Bingo”.

Anyone that runs this gauntlet of border security is immediately issued an immigration visa and starts on the fast track to U.S. citizenship.

This solution is beautiful in its simplicity, cost effectiveness, and deterrent effect. It’s a win, win. It’s whimsical. It’s perfect.

Paging Dr. Paul

2007-12-05T11:36:00.000-07:00

Ladies and gentlemen I give you electoral imbecility, brought to you by those Bush The Lesser pseudo-conservative boot lickers over at National Review’s The Corner…

Rick Brookhiser on those despicable Ron Paul supporters…

I used the phrase a few months back when Ron Paul supporters jeered Giuliani on the Mackinac ferry, asking him what he did with the gold that was in the World Trade towers, before the U.S. government destroyed them. That is both wicked and idiotic…
The first episode featured truthers, the second appealed to hell-with-it libertarians (in the Seventies, they dropped acid and read the Illuminatus trilogy; thirty years have not improved them). Both have flocked to the Paul campaign like flies to waste.

The myopic disdain is dripping from Rick’s fangs like drool from those wicked Alien Trilogy monsters. This faction of mindless sycophants can’t stand the mere thought of a card carrying Republican whose mission it is to rock the proverbial boat and…*gasp*…pay heed to the Constitution.

Dr. Ron Paul is threatening the very establishment that brought us three presidential administrations that wiped their collective asses with the Constitution. And this snarling, duplicitous cabal, Sean Hannity, every contributor to the National Review, Fred Barnes, and Rush Limbaugh are, as Brookhiser did, likening Ron Paul supporters to flies and Dr. Paul to excrement.

In this day and age of “compassionate conservatism”, a term only applicable if uttered via our current President’s forked tongue, the strong arm of the GOP and its mouthpieces choose to do that which they profess to revile, insult and denigrate the opposition.

In a Republican field replete with big government, wolves in sheep’s clothing neo-con debutants with barely a passing appreciation for the Constitution and the restraints it puts on federal government Dr. Paul is the sole voice of sanity in a constant dirge of neo-con rhetoric. And I use the term “neo-con” with as much disdain as I can possibly muster.

Brookhiser goes further to denigrate the improbable single day record for campaign fund raising the Ron Paul movement set on November 5, implying that those who were part of this avalanche of support were just a bunch of wackos who wanted to see the reincarnation of Guy Fawkes, the guy that tried to blow up the British Parliament building in London. They were just a bunch of kooks who thought that the movie V For Vendetta was a documentary or prophecy.

These neo-cons will stop at nothing to ensure their cozy niche is not in any way disturbed, if that means rampant character assassination towards millions of Paul supporters and ad hominem attacks at Dr. Paul himself, then so be it. Their duplicity knows no bounds.

If for no other reason than to ruffle the feathers of a bunch of preening obsequious suck ups I will gleefully cast a write-in vote for Ron Paul for president in November 2008. That and I agree with nearly every thing he says.

In this day & age of glorified beauty contests otherwise called general elections Dr. Paul is a refreshing blend of honesty and insightfulness. His no fear approach to the process is unique and unseen since 1980 when Ronald Reagan bucked the establishment by running on a similar platform to Ron Paul.

If you want tighter border control and a visit back to the days of yore when the Constitution was more than a glitzy tourist attraction then vote for Ron Paul. If not, by all means, return the status quo to power and shut the f**k up when it blows up in your face.

The music...the glue...

2007-12-02T20:11:00.000-07:00

That holds Shrub's head together...

HAPPY TURKEY HOLOCAUST DAY!!!

2007-11-22T20:43:00.000-07:00

I hope you and yours did your best to exercise your role at the top of the evolutionary ladder by hastening the demise of innocent turkies and inhaling pounds of stuffing, mashed taters, and a bathtub full of gravy. I know my abdomen was quite distended for a while...then came the pumpkin pie. Good lord I'm stuffed...food coma doth hitteth me hardeth.

Take care y'all...HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!

Best live bands ever

2007-10-20T20:07:00.000-06:00

Pearl Jam just takes the stage and belts out one fine song after another...

Seeing George Clinton live on the Lolapalooza tour was akin to a religious experience...

I'm telling you, nobody, I mean nobody, thunders on stage like Ministry...I know this isn't a true live video but it captures the frenetic experience it is to see Al Jourgenson's antics and bathe in the music...

Fishbone was a very underrated band who were AMAZING live...

No band brings the angry energy that Rage Against The Machine does...Tom Morrelo is a guiter god...

True story...me and a couple friends went mountain biking back in 89-90, we found an old trail, hardly used. We followed it to the end and were at the legendary Red Rocks Ampitheater, the best outdoor concert venue on the planet. So I saw Metallica on this, the And Justice For All tour, for free...

I saw The Violent Femmes at the Paramount here in Denver in 1987 (I think), and they are captivating in concert...

The best concert I've ever been to was Prince in the round at the Pepsi Center here in Denver....the guy can throw down in concert.

Greatest action sequences ever

2007-10-04T20:53:00.000-06:00

As a self-professed movie nut I love compiling lists...and through the magic of YOUTUBE I can bring these scenes to you in vived color. So, respect the moment and crank your volume up to a righteous level and enjoy.

1. Without a doubt the best action sequence of all time is from Apocalypse Now...you can probably guess the scene...

2. This next scene is the best shootout ever recorded...Al Pacino & Robert DeNiro are just cool.

3. I had trouble not ranking this scene #1...it's the final chase sequence from The Road Warrior.
pt.1

pt.2

4. Fight scenes are a staple of any action flick, and this sequence is arguably the best opening fight scene of all time.

5. Matt Damon has blossumed into perhaps the best action star out there, and here is the unforgettable chase scene from The Bourne Identity.

6. This is the best foot chase ever...from the newest James Bond film, Casino Royale. WARNING: If you have vertigo or are afraid of heights, watch at your own risk.

7. It is true, a stuntman was killed during the filming of this scene but it is too stirring and gripping to leave off the list...I give you the chariot race from Ben Hur.

8. Though historically completely inaccurate the movie 300 was visually spectacular.

9. This scene is awesome visually...Enter the Dragon, end fight.

10. This next clip is a conglomeration of fight scenes from the 2003 version of Zatoichi and shows why you never should mess with a blind monk.

11. Foreign films capture in surreal fashion the grit and beauty of action cinema, and no movie was better at this than the French film Brotherhood Of The Wolf.

12. Ya gotta love fight scenes, especially when Jet Li is throwin' down. Here is the final fight in Romeo Must Die.

13. No countdown of great action scenes would be complete without the iconic car chase from Steve McQueen's Bullitt.

14. This next scene may go down as the best battle scene of all time, the charge of the Rohirrim from Return Of The King.

15. Raiders Of The Lost Ark started by grabbing the nape of your neck and never letting go.

16. Quite simply the lobby shootout in The Matrix was the coolest and most innovative scene of its kind to date.

17. For sheer imagery and coolness no fight scene beats the skeleton battle from Jason And The Argonauts.

More lists in the future...

If only Frankie were here...

2007-09-18T19:08:00.000-06:00

He'd sing my new balad inspired by a certain student at the University of Florida...ladies and gentlemen, I give you TASERS IN THE NIGHT

Tasers in the night
Delivering ‘lectric shocks
Wondering who the hell in the night
Oh it was the UF cops

Something in your hand was so frightening
Something in your hand made me ride the lightning
Something in your hand
Dropped my ass to the floor

Tasers in the night, two metal prongs
We felt the tasers in the night
At that moment
When the security grabbed me
I knew the feel of electricity
Jail was just a glance away
As a jolt made me wanna pee

Ever since that morning not too long ago
When I pled, “Don’t tase me bro”
It turned out not right
With that taser in the night

Monday hilarity

2007-09-17T19:46:00.000-06:00

I’d like to be able to jam a stick up the neighbor dog’s ass and use that yapping little bastard as a dust mop.

I’d like to use a cat as a chamois when my van gets waxed.

I wish someone would pay me to look up porn…I’d be a freakin’ billionaire.

The Dachshund, Chihuahua, Pug, Pomeranian, Whippet, and the Hairless Terrier are all the product of dog breeding experiments gone awry. Can a dachshund climb the stairs with an erection? If you plant a Chihuahua in the ground eight weeks later a Great Dane pops up. If you kick a Pug in the nuts his eyes will shoot out of its skull. If you get a Pomeranian wet it will disappear. I had a friend who got pulled over by the police because her Whippet was causing an obstructed view…you could hang that thing from the mirror. The Hairless Terrier looks like a poodle dipped in Nair. If

Two gimps, both quadriplegic, one girl and one guy, are in bed together. The girl looks at the guy and asks, “Was it good for you?” The guy replies, “How the fuck would I know!”

What do you call a quadriplegic in a bath tub? Stu
In a pool? Bob
On a horse? Buck
Behind a speed boat? Skip
On a hill? Cliff
On a pile of leaves? Russell
In a hole? Phil.
In a mail box? Bill
On the wall? Art
In front of a door? Matt.
In a church? Neal
In a strip club? Barrett
At a cemetery? Barry
In a lettuce patch? Caesar
On a beach? Sandy
In a wheel barrow? Carrie
At a poker Table? Chance
More to come…

Rumor has it the lights of the Wal-Mart signs contain mind altering gamma rays that render millions helpless against the lure of shitty products sold by bitter people suffering through the acrimony of minimum wage and pigeon English.

Ever stop and think what it would have been like to look up and see Wonder Woman flying across the sky in her clear jet? Her weapon was the Lasso of Truth. Had yours truly been tied up by that lasso I would have gleefully admitted, “Yes, I love looking at your boobs! And I masturbate frequently to your picture. I’d eat the corn out of your excrement and gargle with your bath water. I’ll douche you with my saliva. Please spank me, I’m a naughty boy.” With her red leather boots and tasteful attire you get where the hookers of the world got the idea for clear heals and skimpy clothes.

Deconstructing the war in Iraq

2007-09-16T13:04:00.001-06:00

As a patriot and staunch supporter of our troops I can no longer sit idly by as the current President and Congress of the United States continues to put those young men & women in harm’s way.

Now, since we invaded Iraq over four years ago debating the rationale for the war is somewhat a moot point. But what’s not moot is the wisdom of keeping the troops there. A recent opinion poll in Iraq showed that 85-87% of Iraqis want us to pull out our armed forces in a year and 47% want us gone now. According to a March 2007 poll of 2000 Iraqis conducted by the BBC , 51% of the population consider attacks on coalition forces "acceptable," up from 17% in 2004 and 35% in 2006; 64% described their family's economic situation as being somewhat or very bad, up from 30% in 2005; 88% described the availability of electricity as being either somewhat or very bad, up from 65% in 2004; 69% described the availability of clean water as somewhat or very bad, up from 48% in 2004; 88% described the availability of fuel for cooking and driving as being somewhat or very bad; 58% described reconstruction efforts in the area in which they live as either somewhat or very ineffective, and 9% described them as being totally nonexistent. So I ask, why are we still maintaining a military presence in Iraq?

When the so-called escalation/surge reaches its goal fully 180,000 troops will be stationed in Iraq, a country of 437,000 square miles, roughly the size of Texas, Oklahoma, and New Mexico combined. During the Vietnam War, our largest troop commitment was 1.2 million in a country with 362,000 square miles, roughly the size of Montana and Wyoming combined. Only 189,000 are deployed now in the combat zones of Iraq and Afghanistan. Even the post-surge troop levels will be inadequate. In 1998 U.S. Marine General Anthony Zinni estimated a full-scale invasion of Iraq would require 400,000 soldiers and Army Chief Of Staff General Eric Shinseki stated before a Senate Armed Services Committee in February of 2003 that an invasion force should number “several hundred thousand.” Our leaders in Washington are trying a nation building experiment on two fronts with a skeleton crew.

Historically nation building is successful barely 25% of the time and never if the U.S. is making the attempt, and prolonged occupation has an even more dismal track record. Even Rudyard Kipling warned of the dangers of such a practice in his poem “The White Man’s Burden”. This is the French concept of “Noblesse Obglige”, literally means nobility obligates. Via such a theory our station as a civilized and affluent nation obliges us to help the impoverished nations. It is the whole Spider Manesque, “with great power comes great responsibility” thing.

To this I say, “Bullshit!” It is neither this nation’s duty nor its responsibility to install democracy around the globe. Nor is it our duty to wade into a humanitarian nightmare like a knight on a white horse and save humanity. We are not the arbiters of morality for the entire globe. If this were the case we’d be occupying Sudan/Darfur, the same country that incidentally/allegedly sold uranium to Iraq.

Now, there are those on both sides of the isle that would have us prolong our military presence in Iraq indefinitely. Some on the left contend it is our moral obligation to stay since we were dumb enough to invade in the first place. Some on the right, especially Bush’s supporters, contend that the power vacuum created by our departure would create chaos and lead to the slaughter of innocents as well as open the door for a terrorist regime or other occupying force.

They’re both wrong.

Our primary moral obligation lay in protecting our sovereignty as a nation. And since Iraq and the surrounding nations pose little threat to our nation status our troops need not be there. So far our government has spent over $400 billion on the war with $50 billion more coming from Congress. This in addition to the potentially $600 billion tab to rehabilitate the wounded. The total cost from four years of occupation is potentially $1,000,000,000,000 with 3,700 dead and 8,100 wounded. This exorbitant cost with little to show in the way of accomplished objectives (I know Sadam Hussein is now in our custody) seems to be prohibitively steep, especially when you consider the zero level threat Iraq poses to our sovereignty.

By far the most numerous and vociferous supporters of a continuation of the War in Iraq are from the Republican Party and their supporters, most of whom fancy themselves right wingers. One of their theories in support of the U.S. staying to prevent a power vacuum is the parallel analogy of our departure from Vietnam and the subsequent genocide in Cambodia as a direct consequence of a “cut and run” policy. This analogy is specious. The Khmer Rouge rose to power in the late 1960’s, due in no small part to Richard Nixon’s decision to suspend economic aid to Cambodia in 1973 and the flawed bombing campaign between 1965-73 that targeted rural areas and fostered resentment among the peasants who constituted the bulk of Khmer Rouge membership. Additionally, the Cambodian Civil War started in 1967 and contributed greatly to the ascendancy of Pol Pot and his Khmer Empire. The seeds for the Killing Fields were planted well before our withdrawal from Vietnam in 1975 and to suggest otherwise is a display of historical ignorance.

The war supporters from the right also contend that withdrawal from Iraq will lead to the ascendancy of a terrorist state the likes of which has never been seen. This contention is plausible but unlikely. The most likely scenario following our troop withdrawal would be years of civil war between the Sunnis, Shiites, and Kurds. Iran would undoubtedly stoke the fires of acrimony and possibly install a puppet regime after the fog of war lifted, thus taking advantage of their economic superiority and military strength. Iran would then become the dominant force in the Middle East. But this scenario hardly portends to the destruction of our nation. Yes, terrorism in this country would escalate but not at the expense of our independence. Even if Iraq were to become a haven for terrorists that dry parcel would still not be the den of evil that Indonesia, Pakistan, China, North Korea, Saudi Arabia, Chile, Libya, and Russia have become. We ally ourselves with Pakistan, the very nation who sold nuclear technology to North Korea and ignore their long established dalliances in state sponsored terror, we turn a blind eye to China’s subjugation of its own people and Tibet, we conveniently forget that the 9/11 conspirators were all Saudi nationals, and we continue relations with Russia despite their interference in foreign elections and Putin’s dissolution of Russian Parliament. But somehow in the eyes of many Iraq still constitutes now and forever the clearest and most present danger to our nation status.

I cannot in clear conscience support a doomed foreign policy and a flawed war effort. The troops on the ground in Iraq are impossibly brave men and women fighting a war that their leaders in Washington seem utterly incapable of planning for or executing properly. If you leave our best and bravest their for the foreseeable future give them the resources necessary to be successful; escalate our troop count in the region by at least 250,000, finish the job in Iraq before even contemplating war with Iran, give the soldiers the proper equipment and logistical support necessary, and stop trying to fight the war from half a globe away. If those in Washington aren’t prepared to do all those things then we need to bring our troops home…now.

The tangled webs we weave...

2007-09-14T20:24:00.000-06:00

As a purveyor of the ridiculous I naturally gravitate towards researching various conspiracy theories, just for shits & giggles. So, in my journey through the Internet I stumbled upon some choice wing nuts, you know, those guys that believed the movie Signs was a documentary.

One such loon was David Icke. This Twinkie has forwarded some truly mind boggling theories.

Among his theories is a belief in the Illuminati. This theory states that there are approximately 300 individuals who run global dealings, the hand that rocks the throne. These enterprising few are descendent from an Enlightenment group from late 18th Century Bavaria and may be direct heirs of Charlemagne. Their organization, the so-called “New World Order” rules global political and economic affairs from a western hemisphere headquarters six stories beneath Denver International Airport and an unknown eastern headquarters. I guess the trippy ass murals at DIA are the hallmark of the NOW, along with the “All Seeing Eye” on the American $1 bill. Apparently this organization is planning to install one global government through a series of tactical assassinations and political, military, and economic shit storms.

Wait, this gets better. Somewhere around 1990 Icke had a medium, some loon named Betty Shine, tell him he was sent to heal the world. His experience was so far out even the Green Party disavowed their association with Icke. Then in 1991 Icke stated, “I am a channel for the Christ spirit. The title was given to me very recently by the Godhead.” He later claimed to be the son of God, not in the literal sense but in the part of a collective fashion. His qualifier came too late as his reputation was inalterably tarnished.

Oh yes, the story is far from over. After his ignominious fall from grace Icke began forwarding yet another theory. His Illuminati theory was to get even loopier. According to Icke some members of the Global Elite are actually sentient lizard people from the constellation Draco. These “Prison Warders” can assume human form because their DNA allows them to shape shift and they’ve cross bred with humans, and if they consume human blood they can freely walk amongst us. Lizard folk include Hillary Clinton, George H. W. Bush, Queen Elizabeth, Tony Blair, Kris Kristofferson, and Boxcar Willie. Who knew the 1980’s mini-series V was a documentary.

Then there’s the equally outlandish theories of Milton William Cooper. According to Cooper a race of aliens made a treaty with the governments of earth to help squelch knowledge of and witnesses to alien activity here on our planet, the omnipotent alien “His Highness Krill” teleported here to earth to negotiate the treaty. This event spawned the Cold War because the aliens violated the treaty thus forcing the U.S. and U.S.S.R. to collaborate and arm themselves to the teeth to dissuade the pesky aliens from attacking.

Other conspiracy theories forwarded by individuals like Alex Jones hypothesize that the Bilderberg Group, the Tri-lateral Commission, the Protocols of the Elders of Zion, Black Helicopters, Skull & Bones, Scroll & Key, Area 51, TWA Flight 800, Bohemian Grove, and a host of other historical schemes portend the existence of a vast shadow network of tyrannical despots bent on global domination.

Now, I’m not dismissive of the more tenable theories like TWA Flight 800 and the assassination of John F. Kennedy but the premise that a close knit inner sanctum of global elites are running the global show is just cuckoo. By right, in order to pull off such an intricate and vast conspiracy one must endow the perpetrators with super-human intelligence and talent. Hence the lizard alien constructs. Even the Icke’s of this world know that humans are neither smart nor discrete enough to execute and conceal such a plan for centuries. That’s why the Jews don’t rule the world nor do the heirs of Charlemagne, the Knights Templar, the Free Masons, or the Catholic Church. If I’m wrong and one or more of these groups is truly the world’s puppet masters then I say, “Good show!”, because they’ve managed to do what nearly every human has wanted to do…control the world.

I must go now…the Omnipotent Krill is calling.

Week 1 pick 'em results

2007-09-12T20:02:00.000-06:00

Denver over Buffalo-w
New England over the Jets-w
Philly over Green Bay-l
Jacksonville over Tennessee-l
Texans over KC-w
Rams over Carolina-l
Washington over Miami-w
Vikings over Falcons-w
Steelers over Browns-w
Lions over Raiders-w
Seattle over Tampa-w
Chargers over da Bears-w
Cowboys over Giants-w
Cincy over Baltimore...maybe-w
49ers over Arizona-w

Record--12-3...bwahahahahaha...bow infidels

Now this week's predictions...
Pittsburgh over Buffalo
Jacksonville over Atlanta
Colts big over Tennessee
Packers over Giants
Carolina over Texans
Rams over 49ers
Cincy big over Cleveland
Saints over Bucs
Dallas huge over Miami
Detroit over Minnesota
Seattle over Arizona
Chicago over KC
Baltimore over the Jets
Denver big over Oakland
Philly over Washington
GAME OF THE WEEK...Patriots in a squeeker over San Diego

Now, if you want to challenge yours truly just post your picks in the comments.

Don't talk to me...

2007-09-09T08:44:00.000-06:00

THE NFL SEASON IS ABOUT TO START!

GO BRONCOS!!!

Now, as a public service to my peeps I, your insufferable host, will be engaging in a weekly pick 'em ecercise each week. My Week 1 picks are...

Denver over Buffalo
New England over the Jets
Philly over Green Bay
Jacksonville over Tennessee
Texans over KC
Rams over Carolina
Washington over Miami
Vikings over Falcons
Steelers over Browns
Lions over Raiders
Seattle over Tampa
Chargers over da Bears
Cowboys over Giants
Cincy over Baltimore...maybe
49ers over Arizona

I will post my picks on Tuesday or Wednesday every week. Feel free to post your own picks in the comments. I'll tally the results each week and the winner at the end of the year gets coveted bragging rights over yours truly.

Testicle Tuesday...All-Time top 20

2007-08-28T10:01:00.000-06:00

An impromptu roast on a Monday night

2007-08-27T21:05:00.000-06:00

As yours truly returns to mid-season form I thought the time would be appropriate to roast a few friends. Buckle up…

Duditz…what can we say about Duditz…bitch is ugly. He looks like the spawn of Gollum and Rosie O’Donnell. He’s the only Buddhist gnome in history. Now I’m not calling him short but traveling with him would be a breeze as he fits in most overhead compartments. Then there’s his many beer binges…he walks around aimlessly when he’s drunk, it’s like watching a windup Hellen Keller doll. Duditz is so mellow I saw his boss walk up and kick him in the balls…he fell asleep. When you die you’re gonna be reincarnated as a sloth. Then there’s his pasty complexion and newly shorn head…I guess the Holocaust survivor motif is alive and well.

Speaking of ugly and bald, hello PB. Dude looks like a young Jason Voorhees on a BAD hair day. Hey PB, comb your scalp over, it’ll look fuller. Last time he got sex was the Clinton administration. Call him Moses because when he shows up the girls part like the Red Sea. PB is a bit of a nerd…he masturbates to a picture of William Shatner. He thinks clip-on sunglasses are cool.

JAP, you freakin’ bastard. The guy has bigger boobs than Pamela Anderson, he makes her look like Paris Hilton. I saw JAP run once and had an uncontrollable urge to iron all the clothes in my closet, last time I saw skin bounce like that was the opening credits of Bay Watch.

Swanny, do you own a clock? Swanny was always a tender lover though, he always spat on his pecker before insertion. He was also conscientious enough to walk through the field and tag the sheep that kick. You should have seen the look in his eye when I got him those gloves with the Velcro palms. Once when we went to a Wyoming sheep ranch the owner was showing us around…we came upon a dewey little sheep with its head stuck in the fence bleeting pitifully, “Bah, bah.” The rancher pulled out his love rod and stuck it in the sheep’s mouth. Swanny said, “Can I get some?” “Sure” the rancher replied. Swanny then walked around stuck his head in the fence and went, “Bah, bah.”

Ekim, where you at. Oh there, I can hear your shirt. This guy’s wardrobe is so loud it comes with its own generator. But it matches his voice…Ekim’s voice is so loud when he speaks a herd of elk by Grand Junction say, “Dear Christ, what the fuck was that?” Ekim is a staunch liberal, he has a picture of Al Gore and Howard Dean in his wallet. He thinks Ted Kennedy makes sense. His secret fantasy is to cover Hillary Clinton in honey and lick it off.

Roberto’s here. He was the first Hispanic I ever knew who was gainfully employed. But Roberto is a heckuva nice guy, he shaves PB’s back twice a week. Roberto is hairy too, like Cheech hooked up with Jamie Farr.

Emi, you little tart. First thing I noticed about Emi were her enormous tits, I couldn’t help it, they entered the room five minutes before she did. When she lays on her back they pierce the troposphere. Last time her husband climbed those things he needed a Sherpa. They’re so big you’d need a gondola to reach the peak. Rumor has it she has an insatiable sexual appetite…her husband has a protein deficiency…they’ve been married two weeks. Then there’s her Catholic faith…the only organized religion where Michael Jackson is eligible for canonization as a saint. What’s it like to enter the confessional booth and say, “You first?”

I’m not saying I’m anything but pathetic…I’m a quadriplegic double amputee with an abnormally small penis who remains single and lives with his mother. My life’s a fucking festival. Last time I had sex was papa Bush’s administration and mullets were still ok. Last time I saw my own dick Britney Spears still wore underwear. Last time I had a date Kirk Cobain still had a face. I failed the bar exam more times than JFK Jr.

Truly though, you guys are the best. You’ve been a constant in my life for half a decade. I kid because I love. Take care guys.

*raises his glass to the sky*

The movies to see before you die

2007-08-22T19:08:00.000-06:00

I've seen several publications do these lists, so I thought I'd throw in my two cents on the movies that make us proud to be part of the collective known as man kind...

Crime/mystery…
The Usual Suspects, The Godfather II, Casino, Goodfellas, Se7en, Snatch, Scarface

Action…
Blade, Die Hard, Road Warrior, Heat, 300, all three Bourne movies

War…
Apocalypse Now, Saving Private Ryan, Full Metal Jacket, Platoon, All Quiet on the Western Front (1933), Glory

Drama…
Schindler’s List, Das Boot, Crash, Say Anything, Gladiator, Stand By Me, Philadelphia, Finding Neverland

Sci-fi…
Aliens, original Star Wars Trilogy, Alien 3, Stargate

Horror…
The Exorcist, Texas Chainsaw Massacre, 28 Days Later, Wrong Turn, The Shining

Western…
Pale Rider, Tombstone, The Unforgiven

Foreign…
Zatoichi, Brotherhood of the Wolf, Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon, Hero, Heaven and Earth, Yellow River

Comedy…
Young Frankenstein, History of the World, The Holy Grail, Kingpin

All of these movies represent those few moments when the stars and planets align to usher in something truly great. I've been witness to very few instances where perfection was achieved and these movies constitute the bulk of those experiences.

*Update...

Here's the Stupidly Forgotten list, movies I should have NEVER ommitted...
All three Lord of the Rings movies (thanks Waterboy), The Killing Fields, Fandango, The Departed, Clerks, A Clockwork Orange

Yeah, whatever

2007-08-22T18:29:00.000-06:00

This straight from the category of SHUT THE FUCK UP!

**Update: I'll respond to this tripe later.

Back and in full effect...

2007-08-19T18:11:00.000-06:00

Yes, yours truly, your Shrubalicious host, has been writing feverishly in a vain attempt to pen my literary opus, my contribution to the fantasy genre. Here's a lil' snippet of my teeny tiney lil' story/book. Please, critique at will, the comment link is there for a reason.

At last the Exile reached the citadel of Tair, the last resting place of the ancient Grundian kings. Legend said the Aquafer of Iya, the water that breathed life into this world was protected by The Citadel. It was here that the kings of yore were entombed in the hopes that the cistern would resurrect the beloved founders and stewards of earliest Grundig. And it was here the Exile brought the body of his brother Barabas.
The Exile had explored the Citadel on numerous occasions in his youth for it was his father who had been entrusted the guardianship of this hallowed place. So revered was Tair’s Citadel none dared live within its walls and few ventured through the imposing iron gates. A sect of ancient priests was charged with guarding this holy sepulcher to which they built Cadus a Iya, Castle of Iya. The fortress was built at the summit of Mount Tair, the mountain that overlooked the Citadel from the east. The castle could only be reached by a narrow stair, dubbed Iada i Iena, the Walk to Heaven. Climbing this ancient stair was for many a deeply religious experience. The priests would make the trek down then back up the Iada to symbolize the journey from mortality to the afterlife. As a child the Exile and his family had lived in the castle and these stairs were a place of wonder and a place to frolic for the boys. Even Barabas had bounded up and down the stair with youthful exuberance and it was in this valley and the Citadel that he told his twin brother he wanted to be buried.
And the Exile meant to abide by his brother’s wish. Even after Barabas had ravaged his former native land, after the damage and pain he had inflicted upon the Exile and all of Grundig, even after his malevolence had wreaked untold devastation on all who crossed his path, the Exile still meant to bury him in his boyhood playground. When the twins were children they often explored the Citadel, admiring the tombs of the ancients, running through darkened hallways, and forever using this sacred place as an endless playground. Oft times the priests would chase them, informing them that the kings’ resting place was not to be disturbed. But the priests also knew these two had indomitable wills, and truth be told, they suspected the kings rather enjoyed the magical laughter of the two.
The Exile’s wagon stopped at the gate. No one had opened the Citadel in over a thousand years and the gates were rusty with disrepair. The Exile used his medallion, the one he had inherited from his father, to unlock the massive mechanism at the gate’s center. With a loud metallic snap the gate unlocked itself, shuttered and groaned, and finally raised up into the rampart that surrounded it. Dust and dirt billowed from the open gateway washing the Exile in granulated muck. This cloud was greeted by fits of coughing from the Exile and the fervent attempt to shoo away the dust. To no avail as sediment settled in the Exile’s eyes, mouth, and nose.
After the cloud cleared the Exile, with great attentiveness, cleared the dust and dirt from Barabas’ face and clothes. This gesture finally drove the Exile mad with grief. There before him lay the last of his family of old. The site of the brother who, even in his wickedness, had exuded strength and vitality now lying utterly void of life deeply disturbed the normally reserved elven warrior and filled his heart with sadness. And it was in this moment, when Barabas’ face was not contorted with anger and hatred, that his beauty shown through. And it was this face on which the tears of the Exile now fell. Even the death of his parents and beloved wife had not affected him so; even his daughters’ weddings did not elicit such naked emotion. These were things he took with legendary stoicism. The Exile’s hand drifted unconsciously to his sword hilt. How easy it would be to cut the head from this monster and destroy him once and for all. His body would burst into flame as his mortal coil would eviscerate. But he purged this thought from his head, how he did so love his brother.
After the Exile collected his emotions he grabbed the reigns of the draft horse and led it and the wagon through the gate.
Across a huge courtyard the Exile led his burden, across to the outer cloister of the Citadel. The outer door opened with a groan and blackness assaulted the senses. This blackness had not been disturbed in millennia and did not suffer daylight easily. Sunlight illuminated barely three feet of the cold stone floor and the darkness was seemingly impenetrable. The Exile removed his sword from its sheath. Green flame would have to guide the way. Dagotai glowed green for a brief moment, then intense flames licked the blade, illuminating almost the entire entry. Even this pitch black could not withstand magic.

Testicle Tuesday...the triumphant return

2007-07-17T15:31:00.000-06:00

This week's TT was inspired by Waterboy (not the movie you heretics). And let's just say Moore is better...

First up is a woman who has stayed at or near the top of the pantheon of hotness for over 20 years...I give you the incomperable and timeless Demi Moore...

Mandy Moore is half Demi's age but is second to none when it comes to natural beauty...

Julianne Moore is a tasty red head and a four-time Oscar nominee...

Or next uber wench has been steaming up the music scene for nearly ten years...Alicia Beth Moore, better known by the singularly sassy Pink...

Any of you pervs have any ideas for future TT installments, let me know, otherwise STFU if you have any criticism of my discriminating eye for feminine perfection.

Patton Oswalt at his finest

2007-07-15T20:05:00.000-06:00

Give it a while to load.

A golfer after my own heart

2007-07-15T19:57:00.000-06:00

Screw Tiger Woods, gimme Maurice Flitcroft.

Prelude to a Tuesday

2007-07-14T10:19:00.000-06:00

Since I've vowed anew to resurect Testicle Tuesday, due largely to popular demand, I thought I'd throw out a cyber suggestion box as to whom or what theme y'all would like to grace the coveted TT spot. So just throw in your two cents via the comments and I'll peruse your pearls of wisdom and decide upon TT fodder.

Of mirrors & me

2007-07-13T21:12:00.000-06:00

Sorry y'all, feeling a bit mopey. This spiel hit my brain so I had to exorcise the demon within.

Aside from my mother’s quadrant there are no mirrors in my house.

You are probably asking yourself, “Why?”

The answer is simple…I don’t like my reflection.

The reason I abhor my own image being shown back to me is two fold. One, the broken body that now houses my soul is such a departure from how I used to feel. That youthful exuberance has not left, only grown stronger. The trappings of youth adorn my psyche but my fairly dependent condition prevents most of the simple acts that made me young…riding a bike, roller blading, snowball fights, our annual pop-bottle rocket war, walking a flight of steps to get to a girl’s apartment, all these acts made me whole, made me feel true joy. Second, that joy died when I broke my neck. I’ve not felt truly happy in 17 years, and it is that unhappy visage that I shirk, spurning it like one would a rotten banana.

So how do I know true joy again? I don’t know.

When I was 19 I hardly respected anything or anyone. This attitude doomed me to a certain extent. Girls sensed it, my friends sensed it, so did my numerous bosses, my grandparents, my family, and most painfully of all, my mother. This irreverence cost me dearly. Because most of all I had no appreciation for my own mortality. Big mistake. This mistake and foolhardy attitude would eventually cost me my independence & freedom. I constantly threw others and myself into harm’s way seemingly with little to no regard for personal or societal safety. I drove drunk, I got in fights, I stole, I slept around, and I generally spat in the faces of those that cared for me. Dumbass.

Nothing is quite as tragic as lost youth. An even greater tragedy is youth squandered. Because of my idiocy, I missed out on what should’ve been the best and worst times of my life—the age between 19 & 25. This is the stage in life when we typically discover binge drinking, road trips, and fraternity life, among other time honored American traditions. During these years we’re also developing life tracks, job possibilities, and hopefully finding the one person who will share the rest of our lives with us. With the exception of the binge drinking and a fraternity membership (Sigma Chi all the way…In Hoc), I never got a chance to fully experience this period of self-discovery. I spent most of this time in & out of hospitals and rehabbing my broken body and damaged psyche.

I’m still working on the later. I cry myself to sleep more often than I’m comfortable with. I immerse myself into fantasy worlds and recollections of what was or what could’ve been. I find this easier than dealing with reality and the day-to-day bullshit.

My everyday existence is peppered with constant fear and misgiving. I question nearly every decision too critically. I’m constantly afraid of being alone for the rest of my life. My own mortality is also an all-encompassing thought.

The only time when I’m not painfully aware of my condition is when I’m asleep. Maybe tonight I’ll have one of those dreams where I’m just riding my bike. Soon I will be going to bed. To sleep, per chance to dream. Dreams are an escape, the playground for the subconscious soul. Dreams are when we have the ability to fly, and the only times when I feel just like everyone else. Only then will I dare to gaze in a mirror again.

Happy Friday the 13th...

2007-07-13T19:04:00.000-06:00

Ah yes, it’s Friday the 13th, and in my own unique fashion I celebrated this dreaded calendar date by walking under a ladder, breaking a mirror, letting a black cat cross my path, hung a horseshoe on the wall up side down, spilled some salt, opened an umbrella indoors, killed a ladybug, went sailing and shot an albatross (damn hard to do in Colorado…I’m not allowed in the Denver Zoo any longer), said “Candy Man” and “Bloody Mary” in front of a mirror, picked a three-leaf clover, and killed a spider.

So far nothing bad has happened…yet.

BWAHAHAHAHAHA (evil laugh)

Tomorrow I’ll deal with these horrible festering pustules that have suddenly risen all over my skin.

Halle-freakin'-luiah!!!

2007-07-02T18:36:00.000-06:00

One of my wildest dreams just came true.

But first, a little background...

In my life there have been a few of those watershed moments; puberty and my subsequent discovery of frequent and fervent masturbation, getting a high speed Internet hookup to facilitate thusly, seeing Salma Hayek for the first time, and playing Halo for the first time.

So, as the years coursed slowly by and Halo 2 and Halo 3 were released for stand alone video game platforms, Microsoft, in thier infinite fucking wisdom, witheld the release of Halo 2 for the PC until recently. But as the gods would cruely dictate Halo 2 was a Vista only game. Now an enterprising lot has introduced a patch that makes H2 playable on Windows XP.

Now the wait begins for the $50 ticket price to fall, then it'll be on you Covenent beeyatches!

Damn it's hot

2007-07-01T20:44:00.000-06:00

Gonna be 100 tomorrow here in Denver.

What a long strange trip it's been...

2007-06-28T20:47:00.000-06:00

This spiel will make you weep and laugh at the poetic irony that has befallen yours truly.

I just now got home from a little unexpected vacation. Where was his Shrubbiness taken pray tell? You guessed it, my favorite local hospital for treatment on an infected right leg. What did the battery of docs recommend…amputation. Woo hoo, I’m now but two arms away from becoming the dreaded Black Night. All you Monty Python fans are issuing a collective guffaw. Those who don’t get the reference just watch The Holy Grail.

Holy shit, now I’m feverishly scoping out my arms for the slightest blemish.

Just when I thought that I had heard every amputation joke contrived about having one leg I now must acclimate to two stump humor.

Now, my top ten moments from my most recent hospital stay…

10. Three hours in the ER waiting room followed by eight hours in my trauma room then followed by a bumpy ride to my cozy room on the ward where the welcome site of IV dilauded on tap filled me with warm fuzziness.

9. Watching the booty on every damn nurse in the ER…that is one collection of fine women.

8. The look on the anesthesiologists face when I quipped right before my latest amputation, “You got anything stronger dude?”

7. The look on my orthopedist’s face when I quipped right after my surgery, “Are my arms still attached?”

6. Everything about rapping with Al. The guy is a national treasure.

5. Watching the looks on the nurses’ faces as I planned a party to celebrate my amputation that featured turkey legs, chicken drumsticks, and frog legs. Alas, no one delivers frog legs.

4. Arguing for three straight days with the residents that my oral pain meds were about as effective as cleaning up a radio active landfill with oven mits…the shit didn’t work. At one point I was literally crying in front of a doctor who showed all the compassion of Ed Gein over a pot of soup.

3. Finally getting my necessary IV pain meds…God love those chemists.

2. Watching shitty television with that stupid little speaker by your head.

1. Getting the fuck out of that place…two out of the last three visits resulted in a limb getting lopped off, so you’ll understand if I bid your facility a not-so-fond fairwell.

Oh the damnable misery and a few shout outs

2007-06-06T20:27:00.000-06:00

Well kids, your Shrubbiness just did ANOTHER stint in the hospital. And as fate would have it my other leg was infected. Oh how the gods can be cruel, capricious bastards.

So, ‘tis my desire to write as much as I can on this here blog so as to assuage my fear of losing another limb. Writing is and can be a much needed diversion as well as therapeutic cyber salve to my wounded psyche and beaten body.’

Thank you one and all for your loyalty and well wishes.

Billiam the Conqueror has been a stalwart and true friend throughout. Your words gave me more comfort than you know. Thanks friend.

Emi, you little tart. I miss your unabashed goofiness. Here’s hoping your upcoming nuptials are a truly joyous event. And yes, we shall reconvene the troops for more hijinx and hilarity.

Waterboy, few have been as supportive for as long as you my friend.

PB, your unflinching nerdness is one of the few absolutes in my life. You along with Duditz, Mikey, Greg, and the rest have been treasured compadres for years. Don’t go a changin’.

Later kids!

i'mmmmmmm back

2007-05-21T20:29:00.001-06:00

Hello my children. You’re probably wondering just where the hell yours truly has been the last month. Last time I posted anything was the Imus spiel. Don Imus? Who the hell is he? Never heard of him.

On wit da show, beeyatches!

Oh, about my protracted absence. Seems the chronic infections in my left leg got a wee bit serious, so serious my body went septic. In less than three weeks the infection in my foot had literally destroyed the bones of my lower leg, necessitating a below the knee amputation of my left leg. Shit if the pain was not unbearable. But the dilauded helped.

So now my middle name is Eileen. Get it? Bwahahahaha, I’m too clever.

And now a shout out to some well deserving folks.

First, to the all knowing Booty Man. We’ve been friends since 1990 and I never knew what a good leaning post you were until the shock of amputation hit me. You were there, every damn day, whether I was coherent or looped out of my tree, and I for one am grateful. Thank you. You made a shitty situation bearable, even if was just that wry smile or a genuine inquiry into my state.

Dr. T. Your no-holds-barred approach to bedside manner was just the jolt I needed. You are the best doctor I’ve ever seen, truly. Smarts, charm, wit, intelligence all wrapped in a squishy sweet outer shell. Thank you for your tenacity and determination that I, above all, get better. You don’t hear this enough…you’re a great doctor and even better person.

Dr. Mengela, the Amputator. You were a silver haired treasure. Your smile was infectious and your kind manner befit a man of your character. You were straight with me always when only the straight shit was appropriate. Thanks.

And Al. Nuff said.

On Don Imus...

2007-04-13T10:49:00.001-06:00

Now that Don Imus’ career has mercifully drawn to a close we can step back, take a deep breath, and put our two cents in on this sordid affair.

“Nappy headed hos” was the now infamous infraction which led to a week of consternation and the sacking of one of the most popular radio personalities of the last thirty years. Now I don’t pretend to know or understand why the cranky, unfunny Imus was such an icon nor do I care. The guy was, in my opinion, a no-talent hack with the gift for gab. If not for his incomprehensible rise to stardom Imus would be a two-fifths-of-whiskey-a-day alcoholic trolling the bars for his beloved “nappy headed hos”. Guaranteed.

But since the gods smiled upon his crusty ass we had to witness with morbid fascination his stunning lack of judgment as he issued one of the most inflammatory comments in the history of the mass media. Then we had to watch as the river of self-righteous indignation flooded the landscape. Al “I have no idea who Tawanna Brawley is” Sharpeton, Jesse “Hymietown” Jackson, Essence Magazine, conservative radio host Mike Gallagher, Bill O’Reilly, and a whole host of others from across the political spectrum have denounced, distanced themselves from, or have flat out called for Imus’ head on a pike. All the while people like Ann Coulter, Pat Buchanan, Bill Maher, Howard Fineman, and Tom Oliphant have stood in support of the now unemployed barnacle. This is hardly one of those liberal vs. conservative dust ups we’ve grown ever so fond of.

So from whence does this controversy draw its energy? Simple, the First Amendment. That’s right, that little proviso in he Bill Of Rights that guaranteed the people freedom of speech and religion, the very same Amendment that causes simultaneous fear, revulsion, and unbridled inspiration is the foundation of this debate. Is it just coincidence our founding fathers put this tenet at the top of rights ordained by our creator? I think not.

It comes as no surprise that Al Sharpeton and Jessie Jackson have been the most vociferous cogs in this mechanism of controversy, as is their want. But seldom do so few with so little credibility hold sway over so many. The inglorious track record of these two charlatans leads one to take their vapid verbal spewing with an enormous grain of salt. Had these two not interjected themselves in countless debates, oft times being proved embarrassingly wrong, then those of us with an ounce of sense might actually take them seriously. It’s like the whole feminist deification of Margaret Sanger, she of the eugenic and racist schools of thought. Then the supporters of Sanger, Sharpeton, Jackson, et al. will eventually say, “Even a broken clock is right twice a day.” Sure, but do you want to base your day or ideology on a jacked up time piece. Hell no!!!

The clarion call for Imus’ head is disturbing to me. Why, pray tell. Well, I'll tell you, I resent the hell out of the fact that so many in the public eye have anointed themselves the moral arbiter of this country and experts on what is permissible to say on the airwaves. To them I say, “SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!” If I wanted your opinion about what traverses my ear canal I’d give it to you. Only the FCC can determine permissible content for broadcast, even though they’re a pack of simpering dunderheads too. The choice of what is or is not permissible media content is with the people, the great unwashed, who, in the opinions of many talking heads and politicos, are too dirt dumb to decide for themselves. Therein lay the problem with investing so much in those that occupy the bully pulpit, their arrogance in foisting their sense of right & wrong upon the people knows no bounds. Only someone who believes they to be superior would dream of crowning themselves as a national moral compass. And only someone with no respect for free debate and discourse, i.e. no respect for freedom of speech, would pull this crap.

Eureka! We’ve found the steamy underbelly of this downtrodden beast. At the heart of the soul of EVERY talking head, politician, or media darling who voices their desire to be a moral divining rod, be they liberal or conservative, is an inherent disdain for the Constitution and the will of the people. This cabal, O’Reilly, Sharpeton, Jackson, & Co. would just as soon crap on your head and wipe their ass with the Constitution before admitting their compass arrow floats around more than those they hold in such contempt.

For it is you and I they hate…and fear.

Now, I would never contend that Imus’ remarks were anything less than ignorant drivel, and anything more than callous and stupid and unfunny. But his job shouldn’t be in jeopardy because he has no control over his mouth. Look at a few historical parallels from the entertainment and media industry…N.W.A., the hugely influential rap group waxed poetic about slingin’ dope and jockin’ hos, Gunz N Roses were routinely derisive of women in their music, Chris Rock is one of the most caustic and funny comedians ever, Sam Kinnison lampooned Christ’s crucifixion and mocked the starving in Ethiopia. The list goes on & on, 2Pac, Snoop, Ice Cube, Eminem, Robin Williams, Eddie Murphy, Rodney Dangerfield, Dane Cook, Carlos Mencia, and Bill Maher were all guilty of saying shit that was far more divisive than anything Don Imus said, yet they’re still gainfully and gleefully employed.

Why, I ask, has Don Imus suddenly been singled out as the worst America has to offer? Yes he did drag a group of unwitting young women into the spotlight for reasons other than their improbable run in the women’s NCAA Basketball Tournament. Yes his apologies were hardly genuine. And yes he eventually lashed out at those who stood in condemnation of his actions. But in an industry teeming with egomaniacal dipshits who literally make their fortune by saying ANYTHING that pops into their head it seems the height of hypocrisy that Don Imus is now the poster child for what gets you fired.

In closing (freakin’ finally!) let me say this…if you truly believe Imus should have been fired then I call you a coward. Why? Because you sit in fear of the First Amendment and the freedom of speech it guarantees. Why else would you want to squelch an admittedly horrible utterance? The First Amendment gives us all the right to freely engage in debate, be us racist assholes or enlightened minds. But those of you who would squash such openness have no appreciation for the fact if Imus’ speech is taboo then yours will follow suit…in the blink of an eye.

Testicle Tuesday...Rachel McAdams

2007-04-10T14:15:00.000-06:00

Rarely do I reserve a coveted TT post for just one beauty. But Rachel McAdams is so incontrovertably gorgeous she more than warrants her very own TT post. She sprang into our eyes in the movie Mean Girls and recently starred in the semi-decent thriller Red Eye. I defy any man to look into those eyes and see those dimples and not be dumbstruck.

Top albums of the last twenty years

2007-04-09T16:59:00.000-06:00

Thanks PB for the inspiration for my latest list. This is in my estimation the top twenty albums/CD’s of the last twenty years. This music is what binds our society together, especially if cranked up to a righteous volume. So step closer to enlightenment my children.

20. Portishead-Dummy (1994)-a trippy jaunt down a psychedelic road describes the seminal recording by a largely underrated band.
19. Miles Davis-Doo Bop (1992)-produced and released posthumously following Miles’ death in 1991 Doo Bop fuses smooth and frenetic jazz with cool hip hop flavor. This album is a shining example of rap/jazz fusion
18. De La Soul-3 Feet High And Rising (1989)-This strange yet catchy album stretches between the absurd and sublime. De La Soul, along with Public Enemy, were pioneering masters of sampling and sound bytes.
17. Chevelle-Wonder What’s Next (2002)-this CD went largely unnoticed outside alternative and metal circles. Too bad because this is a great record.
16. The Strokes-Is This It (2001)-this album was on Rolling Stone magazine’s top 500 albums of all time. That’s high praise indeed.
15. The Fray-How To Save A Life (2005)-hailing from Denver The Fray's debut CD was the most downloaded album on iTunes in 2006. Fans got a taste with the release of the hit single Cable Car in 2005 but it would be over a year before the LP was made available. Believe me, it was well worth the wait.
14. Red Hot Chili Peppers-Blood Sugar Sex Magik (1992)-what can you say about one of the most commercially successful albums of the 90’s? Not much except to say that their mixing of funk, blues, hard rock, and metal is flawless
13. Faith No More-The Real Thing (1989)-More than any act of the last twenty years Faith No More is vastly underrated, especially when one considers the fact this group was the first and most influential rock/rap/funk group of all time.
12. Socialburn-Where Are You (2003)-at first this CD sounds like a blatant Nirvana rip off but once you explore the whole CD what unwinds is a sound more inspired by acoustic bluesiness and striking grinding guitar riffs. A truly underrated effort.
11. Jane’s Addiction-Ritual De Lo Habitual (1990)-this album was a sonic upheaval to those fortunate enough to brave the waters of RDLH. From the foot stomping Been Caught Steeling to the melodic dirge/riot of Three Days, Jane’s Addiction leaves it all at the table, stripped bare for your enjoyment.
10. The Samples (1989)-this gorgeous soundscape by Boulder’s own The Samples was a mainstay on college campuses nation wide. This is an absolutely beautiful recording.
9. George S. Clinton-Greatest Funkin’ Hits (1996)-the only compilation on the list is a must for any purveyors of 70’s funk music. The Godfather of funk is and was a hugely influential artist. Plus this cat is unreal live.
8. A Perfect Circle-Mer De Moms (2000)-this CD features one amazing song after another. The tone of the songs skips from the smoothness of 3 Libras & Orestas to the fervent and in you face Judith. This CD runs the gamut of emotion with seamless brilliance.
7. Rage Against The Machine -RATM (1992)-Zac De La Roca is the driving force behind this fiercely angry and antagonistic CD. Every song has great beat and De La Roca’s vocals are perfect.
6. Tie Ministry-Psalm 69 (1992)-anyone who’s ever seen Al Jourgenson & Co. live will tell you nobody thunders on stage at the start of a set like Ministry. Psalm 69 was the apex of this band’s commercial and critical success with hits like Jesus Built My Hot Rod and Psalm 69. Nine Inch Nails-Pretty Hate Machine (1989)-Trent Reznor is the creative genius behind unbelievably strong album. He played all the instruments and mixed it as well as belting out the vocals. This album is as mesmerizing as it is innovatively brilliant.
5. Sublime (1996)-the most enigmatic band of the 90’s Sublime blazed a trail through the sky with one of the most imitated sounds of their era until their lead singer died an untimely death.. Only Nirvana was more idolized and mimicked.
4. tie Pearl Jam-Ten (1990)-seemingly everyone’s CD collection includes this once in a generation type album. On the Lollapalooza 2 tour Pearl Jam was not a known entity and played second fiddle to the Chili Peppers, Ice Cube, and Ministry. Then came Jeremy, then this record shot through the stratosphere. Nirvana-Nevermind (1991)-quite possibly one of the most influential albums in music history, Nevermind stood as an anthem for the under thirty crowd. The tortured soul that was Kurt Cobain was immediately dubbed this generation’s John Lennon. While that contention is far fetched there’s no doubting the shudder the music world felt upon Nirvana’s arrival and all-too-soon departure.
3. N.W.A.-Straight Outta Compton (1988)-next to the old school Sugar Hill Gang and Run D.M.C., N.W.A. is the most influential rap group ever. This album is a scathing indictment of life in the rough American inner city and is the zenith of gangster rap, a term literally invented to describe this groundbreaking record.
2. Metallica-The Black Album (1991) And Justice For All (1988)-I couldn’t decide between these two CD’s so I included them both. No band on earth plays with the raw furry of Metallica. Seeing these guys live is akin to a religious experience.
1. The Killers-Hot Fuss (2004)-quite simply the best alternative album since Nirvana’s Nevermind and Pearl Jam’s Ten and maybe, just maybe, the best alternative record ever. There is not a bad song on this CD. Hot Fuss is the current gold standard by which all alternative and rock records are judged.

Ahhhhhh, the spirit of Easter

2007-04-08T09:14:00.001-06:00

This shit is FUNNY

2007-04-07T17:08:00.000-06:00

I nearly wet my pants!

Just cuz

2007-04-07T16:37:00.000-06:00

What we’re gonna do now my children is trip down the boulevard on the Mothership Funkadelic, with a little help from Shrub’s Funkin’ Love Orchestra. Hell yeah…feel the rhythm and hear the rhyme as the music man is keeping time.

Parliament is now in session even though this is not a democracy, it’s a blogocracy, and I have the keys bitches! I am God on this blog, a blog god so to speak, and you all must tremble in awe of my skills. Or not.

The very kinky girl in the corner with the Isabelle Haze clouding her gaze as she beats a funky refrain ain’t no sage in a dry wall cage because that’s Shrub’s domain.

Why this self-indulgent sidewalk poetry you ask. Simple, it’s 25 degrees and cloudy outside with a dusting of snow covering the cityscape. And I am sick to fucking death of winter, yet I seem to wax the most poetic the worse the weather…go figure. A chill wind blows just outside my windowpane as the hands of Mother Nature show no mercy. Shit, would I like to stop the heavens, grab a big ass eraser, and obliterate the clouds so that my glorious sun could radiate the mortal realm with its warmth. I’m sick of grayness accompanied by below freezing temperatures.

I had the coolest dream the other night, its vividness was startling. I sat there cuddling with this gorgeous girl. She was the epitome of Mediterranean beauty…olive toned skin, glistening black hair, big almond shaped brown eyes, flat tummy, sexy as hell. We sat facing each other with her head resting on my shoulder while I gently rubbed the back of her neck. I swear I can still smell her hair and remember the feel of that impossibly smooth skin. To sleep, per chance to dream…

Let’s turn the volume up to a nice respectable ear shattering level, put on Ministry’s epic anthem So What, or the entire Nine Inch Nails CD Pretty Hate Machine, or The Black Album by Metallica, or maybe Mer De Moms by A Perfect Circle, or maybe The Fray’s colossal debut album How To Sava A Life, or Doo-Bop by Miles Davis, or any ditty by George Clinton and the P Funk All Stars, and let the mind flow. Find your favorite CD, put it on at the proper volume, sit back, and let the mind wander, meander, trip, skip, and flow as the music takes you on an afternoon jaunt. If you have an iPod even better…make a play list of your favorite songs and don’t fight the feeling. Dance, clean, type, sing to your heart’s content. It’s truly cathartic in a most Zen sorta way.

I just bought four more DVD’s I have little chance of watching in the near future. But I felt compelled because they look so damn good, kind of like window shopping at a steak house, everything looks enticing. Those tricky bastards, they saw me coming!

The left motor has essentially died on my wheel chair. And if you think I like spinning in circles when the thing heats up you’re freakin’ mental. I can’t even top a decently steep incline without assistance. Fucking thing!

Well, I’ll bring this tortuous tryst to a merciful close. Later one and all.

Stupid Halscan

2007-04-05T08:33:00.000-06:00

Sorry I haven't been responding to y'alls comments, I'm having trouble with Haloscan. Every time I try and leave a comment it says there's a javascript error. Any ideas?

And now responses...

PB, you're a madcap with the heart of a prankster, even if you lack the stomach for such. Just come over to the dark side....it's funnnnn.

PS, I know Gisele Bundchen isn't pregnant, I said that stuff for effect.

Testicle Tuesday...Brady's bitches

2007-04-03T16:33:00.000-06:00

Few things in this world make me as giddy as football and fine women. So when I can combine both in one post, by God it's my duty to do so.

Few will deny the mad skills New England Patriot quarterback Tom Brady possesses, and apperently his deeds in the bedroom are nearly as storied. Mr. Brady is rumored to have impregnated both of the gorgeous creatures featured below.

Gisele Bundchen hails from Brazil and has shot to the top of the fashion model biz. So when she claimed that Tom Brady had planted his seed on her fertile ground football fans far and wide stood and applauded. You go Tom!

Bridget Moynahan and Tom Brady were an item for years until their recent untimely breakup. Now it seems the erstwhile quarterback has been flagged for a procedure penalty, or illegal use of hands, and left the stunning Ms. Moynahan with a little Brady in the oven.

I guess this goes to show how much I envy Tom Brady for his three Super Bowl rings and his luck with the uber hotties of this world.

Happy April Fools Day!

2007-04-01T12:09:00.000-06:00

I posted this lil' ditty a while back but thought the occasion was right for a redux.

The following is an insight to my whimsical nature. I give the best practical jokes I ever pulled.

One day my mom came home in an especially vile mood. She kicked off her shoes and yelled for me to take them, along with another pair sitting by the door, upstairs and put them in her closet. Both pairs of shoes were identical except one was black and the other navy blue. I dutifully put mi madre’s shoes away but in inverse order. So, I arranged them blue-black-black-blue. I knew she’d grab either the pair on the right or the ones on the left ensuring she’d have to walk around all day in miss-matched footwear. She didn’t disappoint.

Me and Leonard were driving down a busy street here in Denver one morning around 3 a.m. when we passed a local liquor store that frequently had those massive inflatable beer bottles perched on the front lawn. Much to our surprise the proprietors of the store just deflated the bottles and left them out front. So being the enterprising little scamps that we were we designed to pilfer the deflated bottle. We stopped, removed the mooring straps from the stakes embedded in the ground, rolled up the bottle, and stowed it in the back of L’s truck. We’d seen similar giant inflatable stuff before and knew it required a big ass fan to blow the thing back up but none was in sight. It appeared we had been stymied in our attempt at the joke hall of fame. My bladder was near the bursting point as a twelve pack of Coors light will do that so I hid in a nearby trash enclosure to drain the main vein. Eureka! The dumbasses at the liquor store had stowed the fan behind the dumpster. Our plan was nearing fruition. We took the bottle, fan, and another twelve pack to the roof of L’s school where we proceeded to inflate the giant bottle of Bud. The principal at L’s school was greeted that Monday morning by a most unusual sight, a thirty foot tall beer bottle turned on its side.

In high school we had this letch of a teacher named Mr. O. We all hated him. He coached the girls’ cross country team, ostensibly to ogle their goodies as they bounced during the daily 5-10 mile jaunts around the neighborhood. So, one day after school whilst he was at practice and the school was nearly deserted myself and several mischievous friends devised a most sadistic joke. Mr. O’s prized possession was his 1965 yellow VW Bug. Now, anyone who’s ever owned one knows they’re insanely easy to break into. So, we popped open his door, took the Bug out of gear, and pushed it next to the gymnasium wall which jutted out about forty feet and was thirty twenty feet tall and had a set of double wide entry doors. We pushed his car into the middle of the gym and closed the door. Here’s the kicker, our basketball coach/head gym teacher, Mr. G, was watching. His reaction was of utter disbelief. You could see the look on his face. Next thing we saw was Mr. G head around the corner then we heard him explode with laughter. Mr. O never found out who violated his sanctity as Mr. G was an impossible nut to crack.

There was an unwritten rule at our high school that states never be the first to get drunk and pass out at our parties. Many people went home with fairly vile and embarrassing tokens scribbled in magic marker all over their bodies. Some even had their hair dyed a different color or were stripped of all clothing save a strategically placed bear can, box, or plastic grocery bag. We were not nice people. Now, if you were the first to pass out and were disliked by a large portion of the onlookers you were screwed. One night this kid whom I’d developed a stern disliking of was the first to pass out. I chimed up to everyone to let me go take a wiz and contemplate his fate. Everyone knew I hated the guy and also knew of my reputation for creativity and inventiveness. They all laughed as I went off to do my thing. I was drunk as shit and when I’m like that I have a tendency to do bizarre stuff. After I’d emptied my bladder I started snooping in the medicine cabinet. Sweet mother of God if I didn’t find the perfect tool of torment. I reappeared and a hush fell over the crowd as they could see I was holding something behind my back. I donned a shit-eating grin and revealed…a bottle of Nair. This kid looked like a young Jason Voorhees come Monday morning.

After I broke my neck in 1990 I spent six months at Craig Hospital here in Denver. After two months in I was paired up with Zorba the Greek in room 308. We developed a tight friendship and all the staff and our fellow gimps knew it. One day we acquired the the number by which you could access the hospital intercom from any phone in the building. Nick insisted we use this to play a joke on the patients and staff. Zorba held the phone, dialed 483, and I announced, “Attention Craig Hospital patients and staff. We would like to announce a change in the education protocol. Disabled sexuality and driver training will now be taught in the same car.”

In the spirit of April Fools Day please let me know what your best practical jokes were and I’ll start a Hall of Fame. Leave as detailed accounts as you can possibly remember. Email them to me or just leave a comment via ol' Haloscan.

Taka care all!

Surgical post mordem

2007-03-27T10:17:00.000-06:00

I just finished a four day stay at the hospital to complete the fusion of my ankle. I now have a six inch rod that is bolted into fibula down through ankle. I can taste the metal. Thanks for the well wishes!

My stay was uneventful and I consumed decent hospital food as well as dilauded every two hours. All in all it wasn't a completely horrible experience.

Testicle Tuesday...Hail the Queen!

2007-03-27T10:11:00.000-06:00

Last week I promised to post images of the quintessential scream queen. So, without futher adieau...

Jamie Lee Curtis starred in nearly a dozen horror movies. Her resume includes Halloween I & II, Prom Night, The Fog, Terror Train, Road Games, Halloween H2O, Virus, and Halloween Resurrection. Her storied career has been masturbatory fodder for over 30 years. She’s unbelievably beautiful and has inspired future generations of horror movie vixens.

Under the knife...again

2007-03-21T09:55:00.000-06:00

Well, tomorrow at 5:30am I report to a local hospital to have hopefully the last surgery on my left foot. The doc will be inserting a rod into my ankle to stabilize it and fuse it into place. It'll take three hours and probably 4-5 days of recovery. Hopefully the dilauded will ease my pain and make the hospital stay that much more comfortable. I'll be back y'all. Later...until next week.

Testicle Tuesday...scream queens pt 2

2007-03-20T09:33:00.000-06:00

As I divulged last week I'm an unabashed fan of horror movies. I'm an even bigger fan of the saucy little tarts that are a mainstay of the genre. Last week I brought you some lesser known vixens but this week is the creme de la creme of modern horror hotness, the holy triumverate of contemporary horror. Enjoy you sickos!

I've had an ongoing crush on Neve Campbell for ten years. Her face is timeless and her body utter perfection. She graced the screen in the Scream movies and was dead sexy to boot. On a personal note to Ms. Campbell...Will you marry me?

Our next scream queen is Jennifer Love Hewitt. She spiced up the silver screen in I Know What You Did Last Summer, and the sequal, I Still Know... She's still a tasty morsel, huh.

Naomi Watts burst into our collective consciousness in The Ring and The Ring II, not to mention King Kong and a number of other movies. Ms. Watts is one of the hottest and most talented actresses on the planet...and she's all ours, for a week.

Next week the quintessential scream queen who started it all...

Arrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!

2007-03-18T18:22:00.000-06:00

Man I could use a drink because of a shit day (don't ask)! So, since I love lists and alcohol I bring you the best mixed drinks ever (values given are either ounces or shots)…

1. Long Island Iced Tea-mix vodka, rum, tequila, gin, triple sec, and a shot of cola. After six or eight of these you’ll forget your troubles…and likely your own name.
2. Grey goose vodka or Finlandia (2 at least), orange juice, and a shot of gin…mmmmmmm, tasty
3. Manhattan-1 ½ blended whiskey and ¾ sweet vermouth…very tasty and potent
4. Cape Cod-a generous portion of vodka with cranberry juice (primarily for coloring), and a splash of orange juice.
5. Corkscrew-1 ½ light rum, ½ dry vermouth, ½ peach brandy.
6. Kamikaze-vodka, triple sec, lime juice…use a lot of vodka
7. Tequila Sunrise-2 tequila, 1 grenadine, orange juice…yummy.
8. Orgasm-mix equal parts of vodka, amaretto, kahlua, and Baily’s Irish Cream.
9. Captain Morgan Spiced Rum and Coke…this was my plasma in college and law school.
10. Hot Toddy-use whiskey, rum, and/or kahlua, add boiling water and sugar…great for winter nights and a day on the ski slopes.

Bwahahahahaha

2007-03-17T09:04:00.000-06:00

So, looks like the eastern parts are getting pounded by a blizzard, canceling over 2,000 flights nation wide. Bwahahahaha, it's gonna be 70 here in Denver suckas! I think I might go have a big juicy steak for lunch, then go to the park or tool around my neighborhood looking for garage sales. Later you frozen nor-eastern beeeyatches!

Testicle Tuesday...scream queens

2007-03-13T11:48:00.000-06:00

Anyone who's known me for more than five minutes knows about my horror movie obsession. I love the genre. So here are a few contemporary yet undiscovered scream queens from a few decent horror flicks.

Eliza Dushku has been in several films, most notably my favorite horror film of 2003, Wrong Turn. Damn if she ain't sexy!

Maggie Grace was a part of the Lost cast before summarily getting killed off. But she looked ever so yummy in the 2005 remake of the classic The Fog.

Gine Phillips brought some much needed sexuality to what was otherwise an ultimately forgetable Jeepers Creepers.

Next week, the holy triumverate of modern scream queens...

Testicle Tuesday...the Charmed ones

2007-02-27T14:44:00.000-07:00

Everyone has their own guilty pleasure television habits. Mine happen to be The Real World on MTV, The Apprentice, and Charmed. Wanna know a big reason why I like Charmed, just scroll down knuckleheads.

Shannon Doherty gained initial fame on Beverly Hills 90210, then followed by turning into a nightclub bunny who's take swings at anyone. Then she starred on Charmed before they killed off her character. RIP Pru.

As Doherty's erstwhile replacement Rose McGowan spiced up the show with her own unique brand of hotness. She gained infamy by accompanying Marylin Manson to the Oscars dressed only in dental floss, God love her and her curves.

Allysa Milano was a most revered child actress on Who's the Boss, then later dropped her top on numerous occasions before her role as Pheobe. Good golly she's just smokin' hot.

Believe it or not my favorite Charmed girl is Piper, a.k.a. Holly Marie Combs. I always thought she was a gorgeous witch but then I saw some of her pics. Whoa, if she isn't yummy.

The Oscars...again

2007-02-24T13:52:00.000-07:00

Ordinarily I detest recycling old material but as the eve of the Academy Awards groes weary I bring you the only awards show I want to see, as written by yours truly last year. Enjoy!

Dave Chappelle is host. Instead of a Billy Crystal song-and-dance number we get Chappelle firing up a blunt, inhaling to his heart’s delight, and cracking jokes about Scarlet Johansson’s cleavage, Jack Nicholson’s hair, and Jim Carrey’s dopey grin.

The first award is handed out. Russell Crowe is presenter, handing out the best supporting actress award. Angelina Jolie wins for Alexander, not for her performance but for the way she fills out a toga and because her breasts need more “support” than anyone’s in Hollywood, save the late Marlon Brando. She climbs the stairs and is greeted by a full on tongue filled smooch from the Aussie. The camera pans to Brad Pitt who looks like he wants to kick Crowe’s ass but knows he’d get his face caved in. And millions of African children rejoice, because they just might get Jolie naked after the adoption proceedings.

Dave Chappelle comes back out carrying a forty. He cracks more jokes about white people, black people, and Hispanics. He looks straight at the camera and tells Comedy Central to kiss his narrow black ass.

The next award is presented. Nicole Richie presents the award for Most Dubious Example of a No-Talent Living off Daddy’s Legacy. Before Richie gets to the microphone she spots arch rival and one time party confidant Paris Hilton in the third row, where third rate celebs belong, and bolts into the audience where an epic cat fight ensues. Chappelle rushes out from backstage, not to break up the fight, to inflate the pool where the lime Jell-O goes for the donnybrook.

As the towel boys clean off Hilton & Richie, Chappelle grabs the mic and jokes about Oprah’s huge head, Lindsay Lohan’s weight fluctuation, and R Kelley’s salacious personal habits. “R Kelley looked for a date for this gig for hours…he was combing the high schools all afternoon.” Rumors that Michael Jackson was seen with a bottle of wine at the elementary school across the street are unsubstantiated.

Kim Bassinger attempts to present the next award but is so incoherently drunk she can barely walk. An obviously flabbergasted Alec Baldwin runs up on stage to carry off the blonde bombed shell.

Matt Lauer of NBC’s Today show walks out on stage with Tom Cruise and Brooke Shields. Cruise professes that he is now a born again Christian as he’s seen heaven between Katie Holmes’ thighs.

A camera goes back stage and finds Kate Moss doing lines of cocaine. Dave Chappelle looks a bit bewildered, “Bitch, marijuana’s way better.”

Vin Diesel takes the stage to present the award for muscle flexion but sees that stupid smug look on Sean Penn’s face and immediately flies off stage and sweeps the carpet with Penn’s head just for general principle.

Chris Rock assumes MC duty as Dave Chappelle has apparently disappeared. Rock proceeds with a profanity laced tirade that offends everyone except Collin Farrell, Sean Connery, and Ewan McGregor, because Farrell is Irish and Connery and McGregor are Scottish.

Arnold Schwarzeggar presents the next award for bad actors who should be politicians. The nominees are; Ben Affleck, Alec Baldwin, and Stephen Baldwin. Arnold refuses to relinquish the statuette and no one argues with him.

Eminem takes center stage and busts with a tasty limerick that insults and offends every celebrity present in three minutes flat. The balcony gives a rousing standing ovation while the Hollywood establishment sits in missive disbelief. Eminem gets nominated for an Emmy.

From the wings of the stage Chappelle shows up and does an interview with Oprah wherein he divulges the nature of his disappearance. He said he couldn’t stand the baton waving orchestra conductor and said the little man was stifling his creative juices despite being paid $50 million for the gig.

Richard Gere gets up and says something nonsensical about China then pulls a small furry rodent from his back pocket and stares lovingly at it.

Madonna & Brittney Spears do a rendition of Queen’s “We Are The Champions” then share a lesbian kiss. Every male in the arena is mesmerized because, let’s face it, lesbians rule.

Chappelle informs everyone that the remainder of the show has been canceled because all of the gold statuettes are missing. He then asks, “Has anyone seen Wynona Ryder?” Chappelle then jokes that the life story of Anna Nicole Smith is being filmed and that Jessica Simpson plays Smith pre & post mordem, because she's just that stupid.

Hugh Grant takes the stage with the nastiest east Hollywood hooker we’ve ever seen. Turns out they were introduced by mutual acquaintance Robert Downey Jr.

The final award for best picture goes to some independent movie only seventeen people saw and that offended nearly every member of the Republican Party.

Testicle Tuesday...colorful wenches

2007-02-20T11:07:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I absolutely love being in the blogosphere, especially when my self-imposed duties involve looking up hot ass women on Google. So, as a public service, I bring these two smokin' hot gals with colorful monikers.

Sienna Miller is stunningly gorgeous, the kind of perfection Botticelli imortalized in his work. You decide, is she hotter as as red head or a blonde...

Scarlet Johansen is an exotic looking beauty with an unreal rack. And rumor has it she'll be doing full nude scenes soon...SPANKARIFIC SCARLET!

Let me ask your opinion...

2007-02-18T18:50:00.000-07:00

If one looks at the identifiable pillars of fascism, as seen through contemporary American views of liberal and conservative political philosophies, it stands to reason that fascism is one of the few truly hybrid political ideologies. Many have characterized fascism before as being dominantly liberal but I must respectfully disagree. Here’s a list of the pillars of fascism…

Exaltation of state over individual...neither, though arguably liberal in a services sense
Macro Darwinism…conservative
Micro Darwinism…neither, though arguably conservative
Extreme nationalism…conservative
Corporatism…conservative
Universal suffrage…liberal
Seizure of church property…Draconian Bolshevism
Central control of resources…liberal
Small central government…conservative
Anti leftist…conservative
State control of media…neither, as understood by American definition of lib & con
Middle class angst/catering or pandering to the middle class…liberal
Racial purity…neither
Compulsory military service…Communism, though not a traditional American liberal p.o.v.
Militarism…conservative
Minimum wage…liberal
Anti-union…conservative
Elitist…Arguably both, liberals exalt intellectual elitism while conservatives exalt the economically elite

This list may be a skosh incomplete but it demonstrates that the split between liberal and conservative pillars is nearly equal. Even when you organize the list according to importance to the overall fascist ideology, such as universal suffrage, militarism, nationalism, corporatism, and central control of resources, the split between liberal and conservative is still fairly equal. What’s interesting is the fact that over one third of theses fascist pillars is neither or both.

So, is fascism, in your opinion, a liberal, conservative, or hybrid political philosophy?

Testicle Tuesday...the resurection

2007-02-13T12:39:00.000-07:00

I recently celebrated my 36th birthday, February 5th to be precise. I found that these two starlettes share the same birthday as me. So, as I resurect the intstitution of Testicle Tuesday I say HAPPY BIRTHDAY (belated as it is) to Laura Linney and Jennifer Jason Leigh.

Ms. Linney looking radiant...in color and black & white...

Ms. Liegh in tight leather.....mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, daddy likey...

Late on a Monday...

2007-02-12T20:39:00.000-07:00

Yet here I sit, one lone blogger in a sea of bloggers, a teeny ass fish in a big ass bowl.

I’d like to think my writing is profound and deep beyond measure but alas, the clap trap that oozes from my keys is mundane. Why else would I have barely 20 hits a day? Shit, the local softball scores or bowling league results get more hits.

I had a couple fascinating conversations with two extraordinary gentlemen whilst I was ensconced at the hospital. Both conversations revolved around spirituality and were really esoteric and tres cool.

The first took place with a phlebotomist, those guys who skulk around drawing blood at the wee hours of the night and morning. The vampire du jour, we’ll call him Daniel, was quiet and unassuming, almost in a Zen like way. So I did what I’m accustomed to doing, I started talking shit and Dan opened right up. I’m nothing if not unabashedly curious as to the inner works of almost every mind I come in contact with. So Dan and I talked philosophy for nearly an hour. His individual belief was a bit amorphous sprinkled with a touch of quiet yet esoteric dissonance. It was Zen mixed with Calvinism, a truly spacey and tripped out set of beliefs. Now I can’t do his fascinating observations justice so I won’t try. But this cat, Daniel, was extremely kind, thoughtful, and intelligent spiced by a pinch of stoic intensity, a true poet with a big needle. We exchanged email addresses but I fear, as with most such encounters, addresses will be lost. But I will never forget that talk, the time when I tripped down the boulevard of spirituality with a dude named Dan, a surreal journey into the inner workings of the soul. Take care man, and never let shit burry you too deep.

The very next morning, maybe a scant eight hours after I spoke with Daniel, a priest came in my room and asked the obligatory questions querying my religious preference and whatnot. So, being still invigorated by Dan’s musings, and admittedly high as a damn kite from 2ml of dilauded given minutes before, I struck up a conversation similar to the earlier chat with Dan. And to my pleasant surprise the Father was of a similar mindset about God and spirituality as was I. So when I said I was nondenominational but believed highly in a Big Kahuna and Christ his ears perked up. We sat and bandied about the meaning of God and spirituality for a half hour. The Father was surprisingly open to my eclectic views of God and he wasn’t offended when I questioned the wisdom of erecting stone edifices in tribute to God instead of cultivating the cathedrals we build in our hearts and minds. The Father was a nice mix of patience, wisdom, and intellect.

I’ll never forget these two conversations.

Let me not forget my favorite nurse, Ricci. She was so seat and funny and did everything the way I liked it. She combined a razor sharp wit with fierce intelligence. And she was always quick with a radiant smile. She’s the best.

Then there was my favorite cat of all time, Al. This dude has been working at my favorite hospital and on the same floor doing the same shift for 20 years. How to describe the indescribable? Al is a kooky mix of Barry White, Bill Withers, Eddie Murphy, Chris Berman, and John Holmes. Al’s dying wish is to become a porn star. Go figure. I loved rapping with this kid all night. Sometimes the nurses would get pissed because Al was idling in my room shooting the shit, talking about sports and life’s quirky turns. Al is and always was a poet, a man with a gift of wit and intelligence. Yet to hear his self-deprecating candor you’d swear he was neurotic, not erotic. But that’s Al, a living breathing contradiction, a question mark wrapped in a riddle. He, more so than any other, made my numerous stays at the hospital bearable.

So, before you go lamenting my plight remember I made some memories that will last a lifetime.

Wasup everyone

2007-02-08T14:02:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm back, for whatever that's worth.

It's been nearly a month since I last posted and Billiam has kept you informed as to my untimely absense.

First, a shout out to Billiam The Conqueror for holding the fort and stoking the fires of this here bloggerific undertaking.

Second, man do I miss the I.V. dilauded that flowed like water at the hospital. That shit will put in the ozone faster than the Space Shuttle ever could. Too bad it's highly addictive or I'd convince one of my docs to issue some of that precious juice for home infusion purposes. Shub is no junkie, just a glutton.

Third, these I.V. antibiotics I'm on thankfully only one more day have reduced my colon to a colorful game of Shutes & Ladders, mostly shutes. My beloved Mexican food is unthinkable at this point as even simple items like Mac & Cheese traverse my intestinal track with startling ease. Man do I miss a big burrito or plate of chili rellenos.

Fourth, and lastly, I have no idea what direction fate has in store for my poor left foot. The doctors have not ruled out amputation if the infection is too pronounced. Here's hoping my prognosis is ok because being called Stubby would be quite the burden.

Later y'all, stay tuned for more inanity.

Message from the Shrub...

2007-01-29T10:09:00.000-07:00

This is Billiam the Conqueror with an update for you. Here's an e-mail I received from Shrub;

At the moment B, I'm headed back to the hospital. The old caged foot looks like shit and your intrepid correspondent feels the same.

He needs our prayers. I for one, miss his smiling type and his well considered thoughts. Let us pray that our Shrub gets well, and that any medical procedure that is performed is successful, and gives him some relief. He's become someone I'd like to meet sometime in the future, and I'd like him to be around. Your prayers will make that a reality. Thanks all.

A 2006 retrospective

2006-12-31T19:02:00.000-07:00

Here’s a quirky look at the year that was…

January 22-Kobe Bryant pours in 81 points, the second highest single-game total in NBA history. When asked how he felt about Gilbert Arenas scoring 61 soon there after Bryant was quoted as saying, “The guy has no conscience.”

January 30-President George Bush delivers his annual State of the Union address to the nation. Sales of Dr. Seuss and Hooked on Phonics reach an all-time high.

February 5-The Pittsburgh Steelers win Super Bowl XL. In one of the most stunning retirement speeches ever Jerome Bettis announces plans to join the cast of La Cage aux Faux in March.

February 8-Kelly Clarkson wins two Grammy’s. The moon turned black as sack cloth, the rivers ran red with blood, the seas boiled, and the seventh seal opened harkening the End Days.

February 10-26-Bode Miller, the first American favored to win five gold medals in Olympic Games’ history went 0 for 5 in the men’s skiing events. When asked why he insisted on bringing and staying in his own RV Miller replied, “Turin?! Where the hell is Turin? I thought this was Aspen dude.”

February 11-Dick Cheney accidentally shoots hunting companion Harry Wittington. Apparently Mr. Wittington had donned the most cunningly authentic quail disguise ever.

March 5-At the Academy awards rap group 36 Mafia win for best original song. Host John Stewart said it best, “36 Mafia 1, Martin Scorsese zero.”

March 25-500,000 people take to the streets to protest U.S. policy on illegal immigration. Hundreds of police are on scene providing crowd control and rounding nary a single illegal immigrant.

April 18-Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise unleash their first collective demon spawn upon an unsuspecting world. The delicate tyke was named Suri, because all the other really bizarre names had been used by other Hollywood parents.

June 9-The FIFA World Cup begins in Germany. Italy won the final on July 9. In related news the English fans rioted, again, and the dozens of brothels set by German entrepreneurs were surprisingly quiet due to the French and Italian fans saving their Euros for that fine German lager.

June 19-Bill Gates announced plans to step down as head of Microsoft. His charitable foundation is worth $30 billion. As a result I’ve founded my own charitable organization, news of which has already been conveyed to the Gates Foundation.

June 19-The Carolina Hurricanes win the Stanley Cup. What, Carolina has a hockey team. Who knew the Carolinas were a hockey Mecca. Do they even know the epic amounts of product it takes to get Barry Melrose’s hair to do that?

June 20-The Miami Heat wins its first NBA championship. In the subsequent victory parade Heat coach Pat Riley danced to hip hop while Shaq touched his coach’s butt. Note to self: never watch another parade again, ever.

June 25-Warren Buffet donates $30 billion to the afore mentioned Gates foundation. On a tangential note, I’ve already formed my own charitable organization. Mr. Buffet has been notified also.

July 2-Mexico holds a presidential election. Official results weren’t confirmed until September 5. Seems everyone who could count that was Mexican was in southern California operating quaint grocery stores, restaurants, and house keeping agencies.

July 23-American Floyd Landis wins the Tour de France. He subsequently failed a blood doping test. Rumors of French officials drugging a sleeping Landis have yet to be confirmed.

July 28-Mel Gibson is arrested for a DUI, then proceeds on a profanity laced, anti-Semitic spiel. Gibson claimed his allergies and his sneezes were mistaken for racial epithets. Get it…AH-JEW!

August 10-London police make 21 arrests in relation to a wide-spread terrorist plot involving targets in the UK and US. Renowned inspector Sherlock Holmes said the plot involved hitting America where it hurts, every Starbucks along the east coast was targeted for annihilation.

August 23-In Austria, Natascha Kampusch escapes from eight years of captivity. Her kidnapper, Wolfgang Prikolpi locked the girl in his cellar. The alert Kampusch escaped when Prikolpi went inside while his car was being washed. Note to self #2: immediately chain my “house guest” to radiator.

September 3-Andre Agassi retires after 20 years in professional tennis. The mercurial Agassi quipped he was now going to work full time on serving & volleying with wife Steffi Graff.

September 15-The now infamous e-coli scare starts in the US. On a note nobody could have predicted…the outbreak stretched its tentacles even to Taco Bell where shockingly customers became ill ingesting that authentic faux Mexican food.

September 29-Representative Mark Foley (R-FL) resigns after it is discovered he sent lewd images and emails to under age male pages. My god man, at least Clinton had the sense to sexually harass female subordinates. Where’s your decency?

October-North Korea successfully tested several nuclear weapons. A giant sling shot was found in the back yard of Kim Jung Il’s presidential abode.

October 6-The founders of YouTube sold their creation to Google for $1.6 billion. Google has now announced plans to by the entire Internet and World Wide Web, all umpteen billion sites.

October 17-The US population reached 300,000,000. Texas prison officials are working feverishly to counter this population explosion by advocating for capital punishment for minors and the mentally retarded. Officials have stated that executing these inmates is cheaper as the chairs are smaller and take less electricity.

October 27-The St. Louis Cardinals win the World Series. Twenty three people tuned in for the festivities.

October 31-Bob Barker retires after 35 years as host of The Price Is Right. He retires after shagging 35 years of hostesses too, God bless him.

November 3- Rev. Ted Haggard resigns as head of the National Association of Evangelicals. In response to accusations he hired male prostitutes and bought crack cocaine Haggard astutely responded he made the purchases but never took part in such licentiousness. No one believed him.

November 5-Saddam Hussein is sentenced to death in an Iraqi court. Thousands of Iraqis were heard shouting, “Ohhhh, let me, please, I’ll string him up!”

November 7-In the national election the Democrats seized control of both the House and Senate. President Bush and his mystic Karl Rove were seen splattering goat blood on Nancy Pelossi’s door.

November 17-Comedian and former Seinfeld star Michael Richards launched his now famous “nigger” tirade. In response former Seinfeld costar Jerry Seinfeld said, “I’m disappointed in Michael, jigaboo or porch monkey are way funnier.”

December 2-Britney Spears is seen partying with Paris Hilton. The noteworthiness of this pairing and their tryst is the fact Spears was photographed without panties on. Sales of hand lotion and Kleenex quadrupled. Spears later said she found God and her panties. Note to self #3: I found God in those panties too, and dental floss. BTW, she shaves.

December 10-The Nobel Prizes are awarded in Stockholm and Oslo. Strange how the Peace Prize is named after the inventor of dynamite, go figure. On a side note, I hear Sweden and Norway are lovely in December.

December 26-The Iraqi appellate court announced that Saddam Hussein would be executed via hangman’s noose by the end of January 2007. Update: Saddam went swinging and twitching into his after life on December 30. With all the technology available you would think Iraqi officials could have shot better footage.

An awkward Christmas poem

2006-12-22T21:07:00.000-07:00

It's crude but I tried...

Under tree are stacks of motorized cars on electric tracks, gifts for child
Candles made of wax illuminate the stacks, as young one dreams of Christmas morning wild
Snow flakes fall, garlands deck the walls, signs of magical season
Crowded shopping malls and tattered shawls accompany cold that defies reason
Twinkling lights and other Christmas sites take one back to when life made sense
Stupid fights and drunken nights lost in season’s innocence
Neighborhood tours and awe filled words as lights hypnotize
Wreaths don doors like the days of yore as on adults’ faces are etched beaming smiles
Youth lost and oft times tossed on scrap heaps of years gone by
Between the trappings that cost, tuning out what was once lost, we live and die
But we don’t truly live and to our youth give reason to reproach
Like a steel shiv a stab to where once lived drops boundless of joy & hope
So if you can look at the man staring back in the mirror
Bang spoons on pans, pretend you’re Peter Pan, and things will become clearer
If only one could ditch the vestiges of adulthood and stand in stupid awe
As we should, where we stood, and once again believe in Santa Clause

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!

Ah the joys of education

2006-12-18T11:19:00.000-07:00

Seems a couple weeks back a teacher, quite a tasty morsel if you ask me, was busted for molesting a 17 year old male student. Why is this a crime. When the teacher is a certifiable hottie the male victim in question should recieve acolades, not therapy.

"Why did you shag your teacher?"

"Duh, look at her, she's freakin' hot!"

So, in my never ending quest for enlightenment I bring you a chronicle of the hottest teachers to ever defile the jouvenile of their choosing.

Pam Rogers Turner...and she's been naked on camera too.

Amber Jennings

Sandra Beth Geisel

Debra LaFave

Local hot teacher...mmmmmmm, yummy.

Maybe if I had teachers like these who show obvious concern for a young man's education, maybe, just maybe, I would've gone to class more.

Let me know what you people think...

2006-11-28T20:28:00.000-07:00

This is the beginning of a fantasy novel I'm formulating in my spare time. Give my writing a fair and honest critique, no bullshit or platitudes.

The Exile Chronicles

As the morning sun raises in the eastern sky a faint sparkle shown on the horizon. Such sights in the war torn land of Grundig were not unusual, many armies with gleaming shields and deadly spears had passed along this same road marching towards victory or doom. But this new force would irrevocably alter the landscape and forever change the balance of power.

The Exile had returned, and he traveled at the head of the massive army he’d assembled in compelled isolation, driven out by his own people for an offense he did not commit. How long ago was he ostracized? A millennia at least, over a thousand years spent stewing and plotting. What plan he carried in his conscious none knew, revenge, redemption, or reckoning was equally possible.

What was the purpose of his sudden return? Was he here to serve the Jade Council, the same counsel who had pronounced guilt and had banished the Exile to the blighted northern reaches of Grundig, and who now had the temerity to summon him in hopes of gaining his allegiance? Or was he here to destroy them?

No one knew, save only the Exile himself, for he served no master.

What was the Exile’s name? Few knew for his name hadn’t been spoken aloud in many circles for a thousand years. As part of the sentence passed down by the Counsel, the Exile’s name was to be stricken from the records and his name was strictly taboo. Only those who knew him and were still alive knew his proper name but none dare speak it aloud in public lest they be tried by the magistrate for treason. The mighty Jade Counsel ruled with an iron fist and did not tolerate sedition of any kind. And uttering the Exile’s name was an affront to the Counsel itself.

As the Exile’s army slowly advanced towards the small town of Spikiri the locals sat along side the road going about their daily rituals. Some swept their stoops, some tended to the vegetable fields and fed the livestock, and others stood on alert with brandished weapons, hoping that the latest travelers meant this sleepy hamlet no harm.

The glint of sun on spear tips gave way to a large cloud of dust and the faint rattle of metal and footsteps. It was hard to tell how many approached but the seasoned lookouts high in their towers could not see the end of the column as it passed beyond sight over the horizon. Quick arithmetic would surmise that the Grendal Road, the main highway that linked all of Grundig, could accommodate only twenty men walking abreast, and half that count of cavalry, and even fewer wagons. This army numbered ten thousand, maybe more.

The guards knew such a force would level the town in seconds, so they stole up the courage to dutifully let this army pass unheeded. As the rumble drew near the Elvin guards in the towers, using their supernatural eye sight, could now see the head of the column, and their faces turned ashen with fear. The humans gathered below saw the look of dread in their normally stoically valiant and stoic compatriots and panic welled up in their hearts. The townsfolk scattered, doors slammed, shutters were closed tight, the mood grew apprehensive.

The hooves of the horses at the head of the column grew to a nearly thunderous din as the tip of this war scythe drew within a mile of the town walls. The elves on guard could now clearly make out the stern yet ominously beautiful face of the leader of this cabal. Stories had been written about this wayfarer. Tales of his sword cutting swaths of destruction through his enemy were the stuff of legend. It was also said that this one, the Exile, was the most powerful elf in the long and tumultuous history of Grundig. Some legends even said his eyes burnt with the fires damnation and that his visage was so fearsome yet so fare that to gaze upon his angelic face was akin to looking into the eyes of Yah, the Creator, The Master of All Things.

The Exile and his closest lieutenants were now within 200 yards of the town walls. He raised his right hand and the entire formation stopped in unison.

“’Lo there, state your business.” An Elvin sentry manning the gate, obviously the one in charge, tried to be stern but his nerves shown through in his voice.

A voice boomed from the head of army, “We’re making way to Vorai.”

The sentries’ hearts leapt to their collective throats. This army meant business and would not be stopped by the two hundred men-at-arms in Spikiri. “What business do you have in Vorai?”

A decidedly more gentle voice, yet one with great command shouted, “My business is my own. But if you must, we’re here to see the Jade Counsel.” To hear the voice of the Exile was like listening to a soothing and wise sage, the wisdom of the ages was in that voice. “Now please, let us pass.”

And with that the sentry captain signaled and the gate was open.

Tuesday night...shit it's cold

2006-11-28T20:22:00.000-07:00

The mercury hath dipped to a paltry 10 degrees here in Denver. As I sit here on a Tuesday night I feel the urge to confess.

I’ve lusted many times but only truly loved once. Ahhh, Michelle, how you stole my heart with the first gaze upon your angelic face, your smile lit up a room and your soulful laugh made my soul sing. Wherever you are and wherever fate takes know this, I’ll never forget you.

I cannot begin to fathom the grief of mother Alleta Sullivan and father Thomas Sullivan, whose five sons perished aboard the USS Juneau off the shores of Guadalcanal in WWII. George, Francis, Joseph, Madison, and Albert all died when their ship was sunk by a Japanese torpedo. May you rest in peace young men, and may the stars be your playground.

Thoughts turn to nothing in particular as Al Green belts out the classic “Simply Beautiful”. I’m discovering the depth and beauty of music again, something I’d taken for granted. Music hath charms to soothe the savage beast.

I go in for surgery tomorrow, Wednesday, and I’ll admit, I’m a bit scared. The surgeon, a decent bloke, plans to affix a steel cage to my lower leg via a series of rods drilled into the bone. This will help fix the tendon contracture that currently makes my foot totally incompatible with any footwear. It is also hoped that the chronic sores that plague yours truly’s lower extremities will be a thing of the past should my foot and ankle return to a more neutral and natural position. Ah the joys of modern medicine. I hope the Dilauded flows freely.

I really need to get a hobby besides video games. Damn things waste more time than watching the NBA. I detest watching basketball anymore. Sure doesn’t resemble the Showtime era of the 80’s when both teams routinely scored 120 points a night. Where’s the Magic Man and Larry Bird when you need them. The trinity of Dwayne Wade, LaBron, and Melo may salvage some of the mystique of the NBA of yore but only if they win championships with reckless abandon.

Woohoo, the Jay Cutler era begins in Bronco land on Sunday.

Tata for now kids, wish me luck.

Bravo old folks

2006-11-09T21:32:00.000-07:00

It’s a Thursday night and the air cools. Winter is around the corner and yours truly will miss the warmth. But let’s be honest, winters in Denver aren’t that bad. Yes the snow falls in buckets but it melts away in mere days. The sun destroys the blanket of white, revealing yellow grass and semi-frozen dog turds. Ah the majesty of nature.

My dear friend’s grandfather passed away Tuesday. I feel for her loss. She was tremendously close to her grandpa, as I was with mine. Grandparents are fascinating creatures. On one hand they’re quick to spoil the little ones. Then your parents regale one and all with stories of the tyrannical despots that now sit, masked as your beloved octogenarians and familial patriarchs & matriarchs. Don’t they look cute as they shuffle along on frail legs that have seen better days. Terrorizing pinchers of facial cheeks, givers of the pocket cash, keepers of our heritage.

In these grizzled bodies lay wisdom beyond comprehension. Technology has swum by those eyes at a dizzying pace. They gathered round the radio in the forgotten days of yore to listen to Seabiscuit beat Man o’ War, to hear the call as Jim Braddock bedeviled and defeated the dreaded Max Baer, and were scared out of their wits when Orson Wells played the biggest practical joke ever during the now infamous War of the Worlds broadcast.

They watched as the economy collapsed and the Great Depression seized the throat of this nation. Yet they endured.

Then they fought and destroyed the Third Reich and the dreams of Japanese imperialism. Over 600,000 men lost their lives yet still they endured.

They saw the country through the Korean and Viet Nam wars. They witnessed a divided country nearly tear itself asunder during years of mass protest and racial strife. Yet they still loved this nation, and endured.

They watched with pride as the United States put a man on the moon and watched with bated breath as NASA, in its finest hour of heroism, saved the astronauts of Apollo 13. They took a deep breath and endured.

Then the telecommunications revolution changed the face of technology. The Internet now made it possible to communicate with anyone on the planet and to find any nugget of information imaginable. And there they sit in awe and wonder, and endure.

Stop for a minute and think about this. Our elders, grandparents and great grandparents, were born anywhere from 1900-1930. Think about the world they were born into. Cars were scarce, television was nonexistent, computers weren’t even contemplated, telephones weren’t universal let alone cellular phones, and business was conducted on reams of paper. Radio and newspapers were the only form of mass media, children really did walk five miles to school, family farms were the dominant agriculture machine, houses were brick, horses provided the most reliable transportation, and election results weren’t known for weeks afterward.

Now fast forward to 2006. The Internet is the lynch pin of research tools, phones now don’t require wires and fit in your breast pocket, microwaves can boil water in seconds, cars go 100mph, planes go 500mph, one nuclear bomb can wipe out a city, there are televisions in 97% of all American households, every CD and DVD you own can now fit in a piece of hardware barely bigger than wallet, and satellites beam porn 24/7.

Our elders have lived through the largest and fastest technological explosion in human history, yet they just keep on trucking. When you stop and think about what they’ve seen it humbles those of us who grew up with all this glorious gadgetry.

So, as these impossibly wise and gentle souls pass through the winters of their collective lives let those of us who still can lend a helping hand…or a round of applause.

Rejoice in thy youth oh young one

2006-10-18T09:48:00.000-06:00

Snow falls on the window pane as Denver is plunged into the first snow storm of what is predicted to be a bitch of a winter. And here I sit, watching the flakes cascade down in winter’s curtain, which just happens to fall smack dab in the middle of autumn. Winter draws nigh and the air cools as the seasons fade and memories trip on holiday splendor. Or so they say.

Bring on All Hallows Eve, the night before All Saints Day, Halloween. Let the chocolate and other candy treats flow like water, let the little ones revel in their youth, and let us adults recapture that tantalizing spirit of those of the next generation. Be a kid, if but for five fucking minutes. Do not put away all the trappings of childhood, and for sanity’s sake don’t let die the fires of youth.

It was once said that the greatest of all tragedies is lost youth. I’ll go this one better. An even greater tragedy is youth squandered or surrendered. What fools we adults are, what capricious and arbitrary beings we become. Childhood grants everyone the inability to be disingenuous. The ability and desire to deceive are mutualities only to those whose youthful spirit has been compromised.

Yes children can be and oft times are demonic, evil things that seemingly delight in inflicting misery upon the closest target. But this impulse is created by observing us adults. Put two five year olds in a room with nothing but a cardboard box and a sheet and they will construct a castle that rivals the legendary Versailles Palace. And they’ll do this with stunning, implausible ease. And we adults see nothing but a sepulcher of culture that once housed a major appliance.

Wait, for now the castle is a spaceship, a grand battle cruiser replete with laser canons and English crewmen that wander aimlessly punching bright green buttons. But never the red one, that button is reserved for the captain, whom at the tender age of five commands a legion of troops and can destroy worlds with the red button.

Now the box becomes a cave. Not just any cave mind you, but a cave that houses the most fearsome beast the world has ever seen. So there our diminutive hero stands, armed with a magical spear only he can see. He lunges forth as the box shudders, and lo, the beast is slain, impaled upon the righteous spear that only the young can wield.

Now the cave morphs into a pirate ship. Our hero now stands on deck with his eye patch, wooden leg, parrot, and hook. He now captains the most feared pirate vessel in the Caribbean. There, off in the distance the captain spies a mast through his telescope. His arch enemy approaches, the infamous Black Beard. The ships move toward one another as the canons sound off salvo after salvo. Black Beard’s ship is mortally wounded and the rapscallion goes down with his ship.

The box is altered to resemble an amphibious assault boat, the kind used on D-Day in World War II. The intrepid five year old is now a grizzled old veteran of battles too numerous to count. He’s saved dozens of lives and single-handedly fought back the Third Reich. The boat lands and the pint-sized Audie Murphy storms a machine gun nest by himself, suffering a dozen horrific wounds before finally subduing the enemy. He succumbs to his injuries and dies in a spastic, exaggerated pratfall.

There he laid, the spirit of youth encapsulated in a tiny body, the only being alive who can stand on the shoulders of giants, ride unicorns, joust with mounted dragons, and save the world from utter destruction, all in a day’s time.

Therein lay the tantalizing beauty of the young. Those little buggers are full of energy, emotion, and vibrant imagination. Perhaps that’s the secret to rediscovering our youth. Maybe we should imagine more, trip on boulevard of dreams, engage in flights of fancy, and hold tight to that which makes us feel young again.

I love writing, not because I’m any good but because it makes me feel alive and, dare I say, youthful. The unhindered exuberance of spewing shit out on my blog helps me recapture the youthful spirit long thought dead. For on this page I can be anybody, anywhere, anytime, anyplace. I can magically transport myself and a few readers back to a time when the adult travails of life seem insignificant. That is why I blog.

Tonight I bed down with my favorite cozy blanket, and sleep. To sleep, per chance to dream. Maybe I’ll have that one where I’m a kid again riding my bike down some suicidal incline. Maybe, just maybe.

Testicle Tuesday...new show hotties

2006-10-17T20:34:00.000-06:00

I've found a great new show on NBC...Heroes. The plot is wickedly ecectic, the writing superb, the acting top notch, and a bevy of eye candy. So here are the girls of Heroes.

Ali Larter is a hottie who wreaks havoc without knowing it. She blacks out and awakens to devastation. Please Ali, devastate me.

This little starlet in waiting, Hayden Panettiere, plays a high school cheerleader who's gifted with the power to regenerate any physical damage, ala Wolverine from the X-Men. She's invulnerable, nubile, and deliciously gorgeous.

Meandering through a Thursday morning

2006-10-12T10:18:00.000-06:00

As I sit here typing I find my thoughts pulled in a bazillion directions, you know, those quintessential moments when every synapse seems to be firing overtime and a collage of images swim before the mind’s eye. That’s me, right now, at this moment in time, the Shrubbery for once at a loss for words. Such is the nature of cognitive dissonance and the existential blues.

My mind trips down a plasticized boulevard while music chimes in ear, Strawberry Letter 23 by The Brothers Johnson. Groove tunes in the echo chamber that is thine cranium. Alas, the music switches, Hands of Time by Groove Armada, and thoughts meander yet again to some far off time and place that’s infinitely more appealing than the reality I marinate in on a daily basis.

Music switch…now Still Loving You by the Scorpions thunders from my computer system, speaking of the eclectic nature of my latest iTunes play list. It traverses the fine line between reality and fantasy, that far off place where dreams and fairies are created. This is the very place Winnie the Pooh resides, in that place atop the trees, where a boy and his bear will ALWAYS play.

And there I am, in my tree, looking for my beloved teddy bear. Music switches as Hey Jude by the legendary Beatles begins its soulful refrain. A fleeting glimpse of the bear of my youth, that tattered and worn yellow fuzzy bit of fur and stuffings. I remember the day I got him; it was Christmas morning, I was five, and the damn thing was bigger than me, and it was my favorite gift before or since. It was the perfect treat at the perfect stage in my life, truly a cosmic convergence.

As the sands of time sift through the hourglass that bear was always there. Through familial migrations, countless elbow drops from my dresser, drunken pratfalls after a night of massive alcohol consumption, there sat my bear, ever attentive, ever seeing, war torn and fuzzy. It was one of the constants of my life.

Music changes again…now 7 by Prince blares, with its harmony and R&B flavor coursing through the air. Mood changes also, now introspection replaces nostalgia.

How far do we travel the road inward? Who knows, for the road winds like serpentine cable strewn across a gymnasium floor. Only the perversely anal would trace the entire length of coax to its origins, the anal or those hungry for answers. Then you reach the point where the trail starts and you find a piece of audio equipment. Now what? Who the fuck cares, just crank up the music and relax, or dance, or whatever you do when the song of your choice is turned up to a righteous decibel level.

The iTunes now pumps out Doot Doot by Freur. The 80’s come crashing back into focus. Those carefree days when the upturned collar was vogue and pastels and fluorescents donned the cultural landscape. My God, I’ve never seen so much hairspray and eye shadow in my life. The shit was delivered in buckets to the humble abodes of those 80’s teen vixens, those tramps that stole hearts and bloodied the less fortunate.

Then my high school sweetheart dashes through my consciousness. Blonde hair, 5’8”, solid D-cup breasts, washboard abs, thick yet supple thighs, skin like a ribbon of silk. She was an enchantress, a succubus of the highest order. Then gone she was, faster than you can say her name. What the fuck happened? I still have no idea.

Ahhhhhhh, now The Fray streams from my speakers with their enormously popular ditty Cable Car. My mind’s eye focuses on the present, and my failure to pass the Colorado Bar Exam again. Shit. Three more months of constant study makes Shrubbery fucking grumpy. I begin pondering the future and whether or not law is in the picture. Yes, I spent an obscene amount of money on law school so the thought of giving up that dream is nauseating yet appealing. Too bad no one will pay me to play video games.

The baby blue sky floods through half drawn blinds. The day begins anew as does the train that is the current conscious. Down a new track it steams, belching smoke and fire, inexorably drawn to God only knows what or where. But relax, enjoy the ride, and let come what may come.

Testicle Tuesday, on a Wednesday...Road Rules hotties

2006-10-11T18:02:00.000-06:00

My Road Rules obsession knows no bounds. So I made my own list of the hottest girls in the history of the show.

1. Our first hottie is Susie...mmmmmmmmmmmm, tasty.

2. This Cuban-American stunner is Veronica Portillo, and she's a spicy little tamale.

3. This dash of sweetness is Kendal.

4. Cara has adorned the pages of Playboy, God love her!

5. This hottie has also been naked in front of the camera, and Marybeth is unbelievably southern and smokin.

6. Mmmmmmmm, Kina.

7. And Jodi is yummy too.

Now you can fully appreciate my affinity for reality television.

Wasup y'all

2006-10-10T21:06:00.000-06:00

I'm back, though not in fighting/mid-season form. Got a GI bug and Montezuma's Revenge has me tied in knots. My appetite sucks and any food I ingest turns rapidly to watery brown poopy. My energy is lagging so my heart isn't in the whole blogging thing. Testicle Tuesday will wait 'till the morrow.

In case you were wondering...

2006-10-02T14:10:00.000-06:00

The recent hietus in posting was due to a brief, 5-day stay at a local hospital due to a cellulitus infection in my foot. All is well and I'll be back tomorrow. Later...

It's official, I've totally abandoned my Democratic party

2006-09-22T19:27:00.000-06:00

You Are a "Don't Tread On Me" Libertarian

You distrust the government, are fiercely independent, and don't belong in either party.
Religion and politics should never mix, in your opinion... and you feel opressed by both.
You don't want the government to cramp your self made style. Or anyone else's for that matter.
You're proud to say that you're pro-choice on absolutely everything!

What's Your Political Persuasion?

I'm shocked

2006-09-22T19:15:00.000-06:00

Slacker Kid

High school was a place you showed up occasionally, but you didn't really leave a mark.

You hated rules, authority, and structure. In fact, you still do.

Who Were You In High School?

A rant about God

2006-09-20T08:53:00.000-06:00

Billiam the Conqueror wrote about why he believes in God last Friday. So, I was inspired to write the foregoing spiel about why we should develop a relationship with our Creator. Enjoy!

There are certain universal questions that we ask ourselves as human beings…Is there a God? Why are we here? The answer to these is as fleeting as a falling star and as difficult to grasp as eating Jell-o with chop sticks.

Here’s my take on the whole God & Creation thing…

The one mutuality we all share is the desire to know that our presence on this Earth has somehow effected and impacted those around us. But how do we measure the impact of our own existence? Simple, we don’t. The power is not ours and it will never be. We are no more capable of measuring the force of our life than the fish is capable of measuring how much water it displaces as it swims through the ocean. How do we measure the impact our lives have had on the human condition? We don’t, that power belongs only to our creator, to God.

Alfred Lord Tennyson once wrote, “I am a part of all that I have met.” We are all part of a collective and to assume otherwise is foolish. God put us on this Earth as a collective. Our mere presence in the world affects the rest of the world. This is the whole “a butterfly beats its wings in Africa and creates the hurricane that hits North America” philosophy.

To deny our role as curators of God’s museum, this very planet is to court disaster. We as a people need to honor God, we do this through faith. The concept of faith, in my opinion, has been perverted by years of religious angst. Faith is faith, not religion. Too many religious sects treat a relationship with God as an albatross around the neck, be they Muslim, Christian, Hindu, Buddhist, Daoism, etc. Faith is something to be celebrated, not denigrated. It doesn’t matter what faith you are, just that have faith.

Why do I bring up faith? Simple, we as human beings are made of three primary elements; mind, body, soul. And as such we were created by God, full of limitless potential. To truly honor God’s work we need to strengthen our being. We need to treat our bodies well by eating healthy and exercising. We need to tend to our brain pans by seeking out knowledge, educate ourselves, quit being stupid or wallowing in ignorance. And finally, we need to cultivate the soul.

Improving our bodies and minds is easy. But how do we develop our soul? The answer is not easy but I’ll do my amateurish best…

First off, we should do our best to introduce humility in our lives. His Holiness the Dalai Lama is one of the most influential men in the world but to hear him speak before 15,000 as he did this past Sunday here in Denver, you would swear you’re just chilling with someone’s grandpa. That’s humility.

Next, we must start treating members of our collective with understanding and grace. Too often we form a knee jerk reaction to that which annoys us. Don’t. Also, take it upon yourself to make someone smile.

Last, and most importantly, develop a relationship with God. The denomination or orthodoxy you choose is not important, a heart-felt union with God is vital. This is how we exercise our soul.

If we do not seek a relationship with God, be that deity Christ, Buddha, Allah, Yahweh, Jehovah, Elohim, Jah, or whatever, we defile what He has created, we neglect our soul, and retard our spiritual development. Have no doubt, spirituality is part of the soul and a fantastically powerful tool.

Another facet of our soul is creativity. The singular pursuit of being human should be that of creation and imagination. To build cathedrals among the stars, to fly on the wings of passion and imagination, to dream what was once thought impossible; to feel, if but for one fleeting moment, that we have been touched by the finger of our Creator. This is how we honor God. Trace ribbons in the sky with your mind and your ass will follow.

Someone much wiser than I once wrote, “No journey carries one far unless, as it extends into the world around us, it goes an equal distance into the world within.” (Lillian Smith) Maybe we should look inward in our search for God. Maybe, just maybe, the answer lies in our collective unconscious.

This introspective search is why I dissed my beloved Denver Broncos and made the pilgrimage to the Pepsi Center where His Holiness the Dalai Lama was speaking on Sunday. The experience was powerful. There sat one of the greatest leaders in the world, a man wanted by the Chinese government, being a wiseass and self-deprecating goofball. His humility shown through as completely genuine and his presence was both inspiring and calming. He didn’t elevate himself or his faith over anyone else’s. Hundreds of millions follow his teachings, including my dear friend Duditz, yet he wasn’t filled with piety or contradiction. He was just humble and down to Earth. He was at peace with himself and with God. We should all be so lucky.

Now before any of you smart asses start calling me Gimp Monk let me assuage your derision. I’m not a Buddhist; I’m just searching for answers, and ironically, creating more questions. Such is the nature of spirituality & faith. The journey is inward. Louise Bogan said, “The initial mystery that attends each journey is: how did the traveler reach his starting point in the first place?”

As I wind up this meandering tryst let me ask you to do something, for me and most of all for yourselves; keep the words of the Dalai Lama in mind, “This is my simple religion. There is no need for temples; no need for complicated philosophy. Our own brain, our own heart is our temple; the philosophy is kindness.” So, tomorrow, as you stroll through your daily lives take it upon yourself to make at least one person smile. Whether it’s with a joke, a joyous “Hello”, picking up someone’s shit that they drop, or via a compliment, take it upon yourself to illicit a smile from someone you’ve never met. You’ll be shocked at how much better you feel and how much closer to God you become.

Testicle Tuesday...Real World hotties

2006-09-19T19:21:00.000-06:00

Anyone who know's me is privy to my obsession with MTV's The Real World. I've been watching these mindless sycophantic brats for a decade and a half. One of the primary drawing cards of an ordinarily annoying cast is the bevy of beauties MTV has paraded before the camera. So here is my contribution to the morass of pop culture, the definitive countdown of the hottest girls in Real World history.

1. In compiling these TT countdowns I've never had an easier choice of who to put as Hottie No.1. Mallory Snyder was on the Paris cast and has also adorned the pages of the Bible of maledom...the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition.

2. Jacinda Barrett was part of the London cast and has went on to star in Ladder 49 and other bit parts. She's anAussie so her accent will melt steel.

3. Johanna Abotta was featured in the Austin season and was on the recently concluded Fresh Meat Real World/Road Rules Challenge. She just looks sweet.

4. Jamie Chung was recently voted the hottest girl on reality television by Stuff Magazine...I might put the afore mentioned Mallory Snyder at #1 but I can't really argue too much with their choice, can you?

Just a quick segue to next week, the girls on Road Rules are even yummier. Grrrrrrr.

Just had to share this...

2006-09-13T20:06:00.000-06:00

Man, just when you thought the Tanya & Nancy saga was the most bizarre sports story ever...

At my alma mater where I got my undergrad degree the football team is embroiled in controversy. Seems the backup punter is accused of assaulting and stabbing the starting punter in his leg...the kicking leg...the leg that got him a scholarship. The bench warmer, who's been been booted from his dorm room and has no Greeley address, is now out on $30,000 bond and faces serious criminal charges. There's no time frame on the return of the starting punter.

HE'S A FREAKIN' KICKER, TRYING TO ICE ANOTHER KICKER!

Let me repeat...

HE'S A PUNTER, TRYING TO SIDELINE ANOTHER PUNTER!

For the love of Ray Guy and everything holy, WTF!

The University of Northern Colorado is a Div. IAA, they're not even on television. What's mystifying is how the backup couldn't win the job, the starter is averaging a paltry 37.6 yards a punt.

Trust me when I say there is very little incentive to stay in Greeley, Colorado. It's in the middle of hail alley, the swath of land tha is home to the most frequent and violent hail storms on Earth. It stands adjacent to a ConAgra meat packing plant, a plant that was at one point the largest such facility in the world, and let me tell you the stench from the bovine ejectus when the wind is right will bring tears to your eyes, not to mention the fumes from the rending house where they burn off the blood, organ, and tissue waste. At times these odiferous eminations with leave a film on your toungue.

If Colorado was given an enema the hose would go in Greeley.

This is the setting of a sordid melodrama that would make the ancient Greeks issue a collective, "Huh?"

A punter at a Div. IAA school that rarely plays on TV bumping off the starting punter who can only kick 37 yards at a time in a town that is a cultural and scholastic black hole.

Wrap your minds around this...I dare you.

Testicle Tuesday...sportin hotties

2006-09-12T08:41:00.000-06:00

I love sports, so, naturally I thought it would be interesting to compile a list of the loveliest athletes in creation. And, eureka, here it is. Enjoy the luciousness of sporting femeninity...

1. Jennie Finch is a gold medal winning pitcher on the U.S. international softball squad and she's won numerous hot female athlete awards, and who am I to argue.

2. Many remember Jamie Sale as one half of the Canadian pairs figure skating duo that got jacked out of gold in the 2002 Winter Olympics because of the psycho French judge (a redunancy) but the Shrub remembers her for exuding hotness.

3. Regan Lauscher is the yummiest luger on Earth. She makes her sports living in skin-tight suits zooming down a bobsled track at 80mph.

4. Kati Wilhelm is a biathalon specialist. Now before you get any ideas about her sexual proclivities let me remind you the biathalon combines cross-country skiing with target shooting. She knows how to handle a rifle and she's German, so beware if she finds you annoying.

5. Amanda Beard was recently voted the sexiest female athlete in the world by FHM. Look at these pics and you'll understand why...

6. I chose Barrett Christy because she looks exactly like this girl I dated in high school who just happened to be the sweetest person I've ever known. Plus Barret can throw down on a snowboard, winning multiple Winter X-Games gold.

WHAT'S THE WORLD COMING TO?

2006-09-08T19:28:00.000-06:00

Paris Hilton, the ditsoid debutante heiress of the Hilton Hotel fortune got busted for a DUI. The fact she was driving after imbibing libations for hours is in no way shocking. We so saw this coming, like we saw the Jessica Simpson-Nick Lachey implosion from a mile away. I mean Ms. Hilton is a true Hollywood train wreck; B-list celebrity with alcoholic and narcissistic tendencies who's living off the fame of marginal hotness and the horrendously stupid and vapid reality show she did with now arch enemy Nicole "I'm not skinny enough" Ritchie. Her getting busted for a DUI is akin to Michael Jackson getting caught doing adolescent boys, we issue a collective "Duh" and move on.

What's appalling about this whole sordid story is the stunning lack of police corruption. The woman is cute and worth a bundle. The arresting officer couldn't think of more creative road-side jurisprudence. I'd demand a hotel, Ferrari, cruise, or gratuitous felatio. We all know Paris would comply with any of these simple requests. But nooooooo, the police pick this moment to be disturbingly noble and err on the side of law & order.

Where's the crooked/horny cop when you need one? Where's the compelled body cavity search? Where's the evasion of police procedure? Where's the stereotypical country pokie saying, "You sure got pertie lips"?

My world makes no sense anymore. I used to be able to wake in the morning and count on four things to center my universe; the French would be mind numbingly annoying, the Colorado Rockies would stink on ice, a national political figure would say or do something horribly stupid, and the police would continue to wallow in corruption.

There was a time when I could look upon my local constabulary and say with pride, "There goes the biggest bunch of criminal mother fuckers in the country." But the illusion is no more. And the Shakespearean irony is that of all people to walk the straight & narrow with it had to be when you pulled over the richest uber slut in California. Bravo.

Testicle Tuesday...Hot Heroines

2006-09-05T18:12:00.000-06:00

Today's intstalment features the hottest estrogen infused super heroes/villians in cinamatic history, in order of hotness...

1. Tie--Michelle Pfeiffer, Halle Berry...both of these scorching hot little kittens deserve their own coveted TT all to themselves. But, in the name of argumentation & debate, I thought I'd couple the two hottest versions of Cat Woman and just drink in the leather and whips...so who's hotter, Halle or Michelle...I can't decide.

2. Lost in the commercial success of Buffy the Vampire Slayer series was the fact Kristy Swanson was the original Buffy, and arguably more of a tasty treat.

3. Few starlets can match the raw sensuality Rebecca Romijn brings to the screen. Who will ever forget Becky all in blue playing the stunning and dastardly Mystique in the X-Men movies. God I love chicks who can carry off loud makeup and hair.

4. Many an hour of my pre-pubescent years was spent oggling Linda Carter's goodies as she pranced around as Wonder Woman. Tie me up with the lasoo of truth you little she-devil.

5. Batman & Robin was an utterly forgetable film. What was unforgetable was Alicia Silverstone scurrying about as Bat Girl in full body spandex. I love American cinema!