Solutions redux

As we Democrats lick our wounds after Tuesday, November 2, 2004, I’ve come up with solutions to some of the most divisive issues of our time. Enjoy!

Flag burning-make the American flag out of non-flammable material. Flag burners will find all efforts to torch the Stars & Stripes utterly futile. Perhaps they should coat the flag in asbestos.

Abortion-medical science should come up with a way to genetically graft armor onto the human fetus. The unborn will be impervious to all physical damage.

Gay marriage-outlaw the institution of marriage. This antiquated ceremony is largely symbolic. Besides, who wants to watch crazy aunt Marge dance to the chicken polka?

The war in Iraq-outlaw bullets world wide. Guns aren’t nearly as effective without projectiles speeding out the barrel at a thousand feet per second.

Terrorism-let’s have a giant house party in Cabo San Lucas. It’s clear that guys like Osama bin Laden and Abu Musab al-Zarqawi haven’t gotten laid or drunk in a long time. Maybe if they hook up they’ll be more willing to just chill. I bet Paris Hilton would be willing to “entertain”.

Death penalty-put all those on death row in a tiny hamlet in rural Kansas and let visiting extra terrestrials anally probe them to their alien heart’s delight. Put it on Pay-Per-View and make a fortune that would go to buying Hostess out of bankruptcy so they’ll make more Twinkies.

Euthanasia-simple, allow old people into Asia too. Get it? Oh, I’m so damn clever.

The economy-make Monopoly money legal tender. Not only will the sales of this nation’s most popular board game sky rocket the average American will suddenly have zero debt and enough pocket cash to buy a Hummer. I’m sitting on close to fifty grand in my closet as we speak. And a 60” plasma screen TV will look sweet on my wall.

Education-one sure way to save money is teach sex-ed and driver training in the same car.

Taxes-abolish all taxes and let the government raise money by holding a bake sale where they can peddle their pastries for five thousand Monopoly bucks a pop and a chance to throw a softball at the politician-of-your-choice dunking tank. A successful throw would drop the poor guys/gals into a vat of raw sewage. They’ll be fine. After all, s**t floats.

Immigration-fill the Rio Grande with fifteen-foot long crocodiles. Anyone who makes it across deserves citizenship. For the Arizona-California border, lay a mile wide patch of land mines and mark them. But put the markers in the wrong spot. Then space cameras every quarter mile and record the hilarity. As for the Canadian border, who cares, they’re basically America Light anyway.

You see, there are easy solutions to incredibly contentious issues if you just think hard enough.

Cats should be legal...to hunt

This from the Associated Press…

MADISON, Wisconsin (AP) -- Although Wisconsin residents have voiced their
support for a plan to legalize wild cat hunting, some legislators and cat lovers
say they will continue their fight.

The proposal would allow licensed hunters to kill free-roaming cats,
including any domestic cat that isn't under the owner's direct control or any
cat without a collar, just like skunks or gophers -- something the Humane
Society of the United States has described as cruel and archaic.

Outdoor enthusiasts approved the proposal 6,830 to 5,201 at Monday's
spring hearings of the Wisconsin Conservation Congress, a citizens' advisory
group.

The results, released Tuesday by the state, get forwarded to the
Natural Resources Board for its consideration. Ultimately, though, any measure
would have to be passed by the Legislature and signed by Gov. Jim Doyle.

Two state senators -- Scott Fitzgerald and Neil Kedzie -- are promising
they'll do everything they can to keep the plan from becoming law.

Kedzie, who chairs the Natural Resources and Transportation Committee,
called the issue "a distraction from the main tasks we have at hand."

"I don't see a whole lot of momentum for it," Kedzie said. "It's not
the responsibility of the DNR to regulate cats."

Fitzgerald, co-chairman of the Legislature's powerful Joint Finance
Committee, said he will "work against any proposed legislation to legalize the
shooting of feral cats."

At least two other upper Midwestern states, South Dakota and Minnesota,
allow wild cats to be shot -- and have for decades…

This is the best news I’ve heard in months! Any policy that would speed up the eradication of those disgusting and evil creatures I’m all for.

So in the spirit of the hunt I’ve got an idea that will take this a step further.

Recently the Brits outlawed the time honored tradition of the fox hunt and the last such ritualistic gathering took place several weeks ago. So now there are literally thousands of fox hunting enthusiasts in Britain who are being deprived of what was once a right of passage.

A friend of mine has a huge parcel of land in southern Wisconsin. It is a large tract in the heart of farm country complete with rolling hills, dense forest, ponds, the whole smack.

My idea was to open up the land, for a fee of course, and have organized cat hunts complete with horses, bugles & beagles, or beagles & bugles, guns, hounds, and whatever else that is required. Then, you build a hotel reminiscent of an old English farm house where the intrepid cat hunters can stay and drink. After all, they’re British and they’re going to drink. You also set up a travel agency and charge those limeys an exorbitant price for the privilege of flying them “across the pond” so they can dress up in their fancy clothes, stupid boots, and equally stupid hats and shoot cats to their British heart’s delight.

Here’s where the real money starts flowing in. Since the Brits are notorious for the pomposity and their equally horrid dental hygiene you use these two facets of their personalities to your advantage. You decorate the hotel with pictures of beautiful people with immaculate teeth. Also, you only make channels available on the TV’s in the rooms that feature the same beautiful people with the same beautiful teeth. So the BBC or any other British network is unavailable. This plays upon the classic British arrogance. To take advantage of this sudden impulse for good teeth you set up an orthodontic and dental practice at the hotel. The Brits, in their continuing quest to demonstrate their eternal superiority, will almost assuredly flock en masse to dentist’s chair and will presumably also seek orthodontic care as the average British smile features teeth that look like an off white picket fence built by Stevie Wonder. And since proper orthodontic care requires monthly check ups and adjustments for two years think of the money to be made. Monthly checks require monthly trips here to the US, which requires use of our travel agency, which could parlay into monthly cat hunts, which leads to fewer cats. This plan is beautiful in its simplicity.

Now personally I think those fox hunting outfits look like the wardrobe for La Cage aux Folles but who am I to judge. I also think the practice of riding down a small, four legged animal while riding on a large, four legged animal capable of speeds in excess of 40mph a bit unsporting but, once again, who am I to judge. I’m strictly in this for the money and to hasten the demise of an animal that’s better off being made into a cheap coat than peeing outside my deck and making my shrubs smell like a landfill.

I’m sitting on a gold mine. I just know it.

DeLay; the man, the myth, the crook

This from the Associated Press…

WASHINGTON (AP) - The No. 3 Republican in the Senate said Sunday that embattled House Majority Leader Tom DeLay needs to answer questions about his ethics and "let the people then judge for themselves."
Sen. Rick Santorum's comments seem to reflect the nervousness among congressional Republicans about the fallout from the increased scrutiny into DeLay's way of doing business.

DeLay, R-Texas, has been dogged in recent months by reports of possible ethics violations. There have been questions about his overseas travel, campaign payments to family members and his connections to lobbyists who are under investigation.

"I think he has to come forward and lay out what he did and why he did it and let the people then judge for themselves," said Santorum, chairman of the Senate Republican Conference…

A senior Democratic senator, Christopher Dodd of Connecticut, had this advice for the Republicans who control both the House and Senate: "Be careful about how closely you embrace Mr. DeLay."

Dodd cited the new rules for the ethics committee that House Republicans rammed through in the wake of DeLay's difficulties. Those rules require a bipartisan vote before an investigation can be launched. DeLay's office also helped mount a counterattack last fall against Rep. Joel Hefley, R-Colo., who was the ethics committee chairman when it came down against DeLay.

"Unfortunately, in his particular case, there's a process that he's tried to change so they could actually reach a determination as to whether or not he's innocent or guilty of the things he's been charged with," Dodd said. "But this is not going to go away."...


After reading this story I did a little extra research and found some interesting stuff. This from http://www.tylwythteg.com/enemies/tom.html

A list of some of DeLay’s indiscretions:

1. Promised a role in drafting legislation to a corporate donor
2. Tried to coerce a Congressman for a vote on Medicare
3. Allegedly used corporate money given to his PAC to finance Texas campaigns in violation of state law
4. Used Homeland Security resources in a dispute with Democrats in Texas
5. Diverted funds from a children's charity for lavish celebrations at the Republican convention
6. Threatened retaliation against interest groups that don't support Republicans
7. Stacked the House Ethics committee with representatives who have contributed to his legal defense fund
8. Accepted trips from corporations and later helped kill legislation they opposed
9. Accepted trips from the lobbyist for a foreign government in violation of House rules
10. Crippled the effectiveness of the House Ethics Committee by purging members who had rebuked him
11. Pushed for a rules change for the House Ethics process that paralyzed the panel
12. Sought a rule change that would have no longer "required leaders to step aside temporarily if indicted"
13. Paid family members more than $500,000 out of campaign contributions

All this on top of the fact DeLay has been admonished by the House Ethics Committee more than anyone in Congress. In addition, three of DeLay’s closest associates are under criminal indictment and Texas District Attorney Ronnie Earle has not ruled out an eventual criminal proceeding against the House’s number two Republican. Some of DeLay’s supporters have claimed that the Texas criminal probes are politically motivated. But if you look at Earle’s record you’ll find that of the fifteen politicians Earle has gone after, twelve were Democrats. The icing on the cake came when DeLay led a gross display of political grandstanding when he was the Congressional point man on the legislation that attempted to force the federal judiciary into overturning twelve years of state litigation in the now infamous Terri Schiavo case. His reaction after the fact was both alarming and disgusting. DeLay declared the judges in the Schiavo case “will answer for their behavior”. DeLay changes the rules so he can avoid sanction, he continually bullies his opponents, he bribes and coerces his way around Washington, and he packs the committee he’s answerable to with his buddies.

When all is said and done I’m confident in the fact that DeLay will be found to be one of the most corrupt politicians this country has ever seen. Be afraid if this man runs for President. Be very afraid.

Hidden gems

Here is a compilation of the most underrated movies ever.

Dogma
History of the World
Fandango
Breakfast Club
Brotherhood of the Wolf
Stigmata
13th Warrior
Gallipoli
Sleepers
Kingpin
The Devil’s Advocate
Bram Stoker’s Dracula
Interview with a Vampire
Heat
Things to do in Denver When You’re Dead
A Perfect World
Life as a House
A Clockwork Orange
What’s Eating Gilbert Grape
American History X
Deep Cover

I'll talk about my favorites on the list over the next few days. Feel free to add any hidden gems of your own.

Death of a national pastime

As the drum beats signaling the passing of time and as the wind whips at 40mph outside my deck the unmistakable hallmark of spring is upon us.

Monday, April 4 marked the first full slate of games in Major League Baseball’s 2005 campaign. The crack of the bat, the smell of popcorn and hot dogs, and the tall cold beer in hand have for over one hundred years ushered in the dawning of spring and all the rights of passage that accompany the change of seasons.

The 2004 season was like none we’ve ever experienced. The Red Sox purged of the Curse of the Bambino. Barry Bonds is within breathing distance of the most glorified record in sports. That is if he ever plays again. Roger Clemens and Randy Johnson are in their 40’s and are still the best pitchers in baseball. Ichiro Suzuki broke the record for hits in a season last year.

Optimism blooms in the nation’s ball parks in early April as baseball fans hope it is going to be another magical summer.

Yet a cloud looms over the national pastime. The steroids scandal now threatens to unravel and destroy whatever credibility and fan support baseball has regained since the work stoppage in ’94.

And the powers that be sit like so many Nero’s on their golden thrones while Rome continues to burn. Bud Selig, Donald Fehr, et al are mere empty shirts as the sport I loved as a kid continues its dysfunctional march towards the abyss and the oblivion that is sure to follow.

The recently OK’d steroids policy is largely a joke and akin to putting a Band-Aid on an abdominal gun-shot wound. What more does baseball need? How many Jason Giambi’s have to come forward? How many more Ken Camaniti’s have to die? Yes, 30 minor leaguers have been busted along with a major league bench warmer but until the likes of Barry Bonds, Sammy Sosa, or Jason Giambi are caught, suspended, and perhaps kicked out of baseball, the current policy will remain a toothless, hollow piece of regulation.

I remember playing baseball in high school and during practice in ’87 trying to recreate the infamous Mets’ ninth inning comeback in game 6 of the ’86 World Series. I was Mookie Wilson diving out of the way of a wild pitch. Mike was Bill Buckner letting a little roller pass between the wickets behind first base and Charlie had the envious part of Ray Knight dancing to pay dirt as the rest of the Mets mobbed him at home plate.

That’s the baseball I remember. Grown men playing a kids game and providing me with one of my most cherished memories from childhood. And that’s the game that was stolen from me. And for that I will never forgive them.

It was real after all

This from the Washington Post, April 7, 2005:

The legal counsel to Sen. Mel Martinez (R-Fla.) admitted yesterday that he was the author of a memo citing the political advantage to Republicans of intervening in the case of Terri Schiavo, the senator said in an interview last night. Brian H. Darling, 39, a former lobbyist for the Alexander Strategy Group on gun rights and other issues, offered his resignation and it was immediately accepted, Martinez said.

Martinez, the GOP's Senate point man on the issue, said he earlier had been assured by aides that his office had nothing to do with producing the memo. "I never did an investigation, as such," he said. "I just took it for granted that we wouldn't be that stupid. It was never my intention to in any way politicize this issue."

Martinez, a freshman who was secretary of housing and urban development for most of President Bush’s first term, said he had not read the one-page memo. He said he inadvertently passed it to Sen. Tom Harkin (D-Iowa), who had worked with him on the issue. After that, officials gave the memo to reporters for ABC News and The Washington Post.

Harkin said in an interview that Martinez handed him the memo on the Senate floor, in hopes of gaining his support for the bill giving federal courts jurisdiction in the Florida case in an effort to restore the brain-damaged Florida woman's feeding tube. "He said these were talking points -- something that we're working on here," Harkin said.

The mystery of the memo's origin had roiled the Capitol, with Republicans accusing Democrats of concocting the document as a dirty trick, and Democrats accusing Republicans of trying to duck responsibility for exploiting the dying days of an incapacitated woman.

Conservative Web logs have challenged the authenticity of the memo, in some cases likening it to the discredited documents about Bush's National Guard service that CBS News reported last fall...


So, looks like the infamous memo is authentic after all. I expected as much. All the caterwauling by the conservative Bush apologists is coming back to bite them in the ass. How poetic and how fitting that the Senator is denying culpability in the matter even though his own legal counsel wrote the thing and Martinez himself personally handed it to Harkin. But I’m sure the Bushistas will continue their lock step support of what appears to be a disintegrating party.

They look like so many captains dutifully going down with the ship all the while rearranging deck chairs. Glub glub glub.

Pamala Turner 

Debra Lefave 

Amber Jennings 

If only

Amber Jennings, Pamala Turner, and Debra Lefave have all been accused of having sex with teen aged boys.

Which begs the question...

Where were teachers like this when I was in high school?

Deep thoughts

Ladies and gentlemen, in an effort to expand minds and plant seeds of wisdom in the fertile ground of America’s consciousness I bring you a new daily feature featuring pearls of wisdom from around the world.

And now…deep thoughts

Caution: Cape does not enable user to fly.
-- Batman Costume warning label

Well, I used to look like this when I was young and now I still do.
-- Yogi Berra, baseball catcher, manager

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours. -- Yogi Berra, baseball catcher, manager

I have opinions of my own -- strong opinions --but I don't always agree with them.
-- George Bush, US President

Any time Detroit scores more than 100 points and holds the other team below 100 points they almost always win.
-- Doug Collins, basketball commentator

Not only is he ambidextrous, but he can throw with either hand.
-- Duffy Daugherty , football coach and sports analyst

Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances.
-- Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

The only reason we're 7-0 is because we've won all seven of our games.
-- David Garcia, baseball team manager

Here lies Jan Smith, wife of Thomas Smith, marble Cutter. This monument was erected by her husband as a tribute to her memory and a specimen of his work. Monuments of this same style are two hundred and fifty dollars.
-- Gravestone Inscription

We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?
-- Lee Iacocca

Passive activity income does not include the following: Income for an activity that is not a passive activity.
-- IRS form 8583, Passive Activity Loss Limitation

You will find it a distinct help if you know and look as if you know what you are doing.
-- IRS Training Manual for tax auditors

Please provide the date of your death.
-- from an IRS letter

The people don't take baths and they don't speak English. No golf courses, no room service. Who needs it?
-- Jim McMahon, NFL football quarterback, on Europe

All you have to do is go down to the bottom of your swimming pool and hold your breath.
-- David Miller, US DOE spokesperson, on protecting yourself from nuclear radiation

I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version.
-- Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony

Was it you or your brother who was killed in the war?
-- Reverand William Spooner, of Oxford, England (for whom the 'Spoonerism' is named)

We are not without accomplishment. We have managed to distribute poverty equally.
-- Nguyen Co Thatch, Vietnamese foreign minister

I'm the consul for information, but I don't have any information.
-- Ofra Ben Yaacoe, Israeli Consul, Chicago

RIP

Pope John Paul II died on Saturday, March 2, 2005 and the world mourns.

Though I’m not a Catholic I held the Pope with the deepest respect. Even though I disagreed with many of his positions I admired the man as being an uncompromising champion of children’s rights and for his influence in bringing down the Iron Curtain in the late 80’s. His influence was undeniable as was his feisty spirit and his unfathomable dignity in the face of deteriorating health.

The third longest-serving pope in history John Paul II died as he lived, with dignity and grace. He urged his millions of followers "do not weep". Even as he battled Parkinson's disease John Paul II inspired the world with his fortitude and charm.

In 1993 the pope visited Denver for World Youth Day. Hundreds of thousands of Catholic faithful flocked to the mile high city to see their revered leader. One of the things that struck me about the Pope was one day when he was walking through Red Rocks Amphitheater Park. The park had been sealed off and security barriers were in place at every entrance. As the Pope went on one of his customary morning walks he saw some of his followers behind a security barrier. Against the advice of his security detail he walked over to the people to talk and shake hands and speak with them. This is how the man led his life. The Pope was unflinching, unconventional, yet ever his own man and a true servant of God.

John Paul II was the most traveled pope in history. In 26 years he traveled over 1,000,000 miles and nominated over three fourths of the world's living bishops. Prior to the reign of John Paul II popes generally led solitary lives. But John Paul II changed that. He was easily the most accessible pope of the 20th century. He delivered sermons to over 14 million people and held audience with hundreds of world leaders whom he gave undivided attention. In 1994 he was named Time magazine's Man of the Year. John Paul II became an ordained priest in 1946 and devoted the last 58 years of his life to the Catholic Church. In that time he became teacher, philosopher, and icon to the world's one billion practicing Catholics.

John Paul II should be respected for his accomplishments and admired for his class. As the world weeps for one of its true earthly titans let us all raise our glasses in salute to the life of our greatest elder statesman. Good bye Karol Wojtyla, Pope John Paul II. You will be sorely missed.

The last word on Terri Schiavo

Now that the Terri Schiavo case has reached its conclusion and every pundit alive has chimed in and used this tale in a disgustingly exploitative fashion yours truly shall now ad his two cents worth.

First a disclaimer: I sincerely hope that Terri Schiavo did not suffer and I’m sure she is now in a far better place. So, for reasons of simplicity I will not comment on the particulars of Terri’s struggle as I don’t now nor will I ever know what her wishes truly were.

This tragic set of circumstances was perhaps the most divisive news event of the last twenty years. The war in Iraq, White Water, and the Iran-Contra affair were all sensational and disruptive but the fervor generated by these episodes pales in comparison to the contemptuous feelings and bitterness that the Schiavo case engendered in the American psyche. There was no middle ground, no room for compromise, and no fence sitting. As the case was dragged through the mud on television, radio, and in print both sides, Michael Schiavo versus the Schindlers, demonstrated cold ruthlessness and ill will until literally minutes before Terri Schiavo ultimately passed away.

Lost in this public spectacle were the very real legal implications of the actors in this sensationalistic, real-life soap opera. From Jeb Bush and his brother President George to Judge Greer and the Florida State legislature to Congress and the Supreme Court the decisions reached in this matter could and may yet still have consequences that will reverberate through the Halls of Justice for years to come.

At the root of the issue is the relationship between husband and wife and the legal protections therein. It has been widely held and is a basic canon of family law in nearly every jurisdiction that in the unfortunate instance when one spouse is incapacitated the other spouse shall have custodial control over legal and medical decisions in their spouse’s stead. This legal tenet is the genesis of the gigantic shit storm that developed in the Schiavo case.

Over twelve years of litigation the Schiavo matter was heard at every level of the Florida state court system, including the Florida State Supreme Court. At every step along the way the Florida courts refused to remove Michael Schiavo’s custodial rights. In order to do so the courts would have had to found the state laws governing spousal protections improper or that Michael’s marriage to Terri was void. And since the marriage in question didn’t involve bigamy, incest, a minor, fraud, or duress, the marriage could not have been invalidated. Michael Schiavo’s infidelity after his wife passed into a persistent vegetative state would not have been actionable absent a desire by Terri to dissolve the marriage. So, in order to contradict Michael Schiavo’s desire to pull the now infamous feeding tube the Florida courts would have had to invalidate the state laws regarding spousal relationships.

The federal judiciary was also unwilling to set aside the Florida marriage laws. Both the 11th Circuit Court of appeals and the U.S. Supreme Court refused to even hear the case after a federal District Court upheld the state court actions. Federal judicial review of this case was only made possible by an ill-conceived law enacted by Congress that was literally a one-time-only proposition specific to only the Schiavo matter. The law passed by Congress effectively handcuffed the federal judge who heard the case by stating that review of the matter would be de novo. In essence, Congress told the judge to ignore all state findings in this case. Not only was this a constitutionally dubious act by Congress it was also incredibly unfair to the judge in that his findings could have obliterated twelve years of Florida court proceedings and called into question the validity of basic spousal protections.

The irony of this whole sordid display is that many of the same people who have railed against judicial activism in the past were clamoring for federal judicial intervention, a clear case of blatant judicial activism. Any federal interference in the Schiavo case would have reversed decades of expensive litigation and undermined Florida’s autonomy in rendering its own decisions in family law matters. Republican Tom Delay has been a lightning rod throughout this whole thing and his outrage is fundamentally hypocritical as he has been one of the most vocal critics of the so-called activist judges. Yet Delay and his counterparts in Congress mandated that which they held to be such a pernicious influence. They ordered federal judicial interference in a state action. Thankfully the federal courts refused to bow to Congressional pressure.

Another irony is that Congress’ actions almost ensured that Terri Schiavo’s feeding tube would not be reinserted. By using the federal judiciary as a political tool Congress underestimated the strength of its position. Federal judges don’t like being handed political hot potatoes and usually respond in kind. It was easy for Congress to make their pronouncements from high in their collective ivory towers while making the judiciary their patsies in this case of tug o’ war. Congress gets painted as the nights in shining armor riding to the rescue of a poor damsel in distress while the federal district court judge, the 11the Circuit, and the SCOTUS are so many black clad tyrannical despots bent on Terri Schiavo’s death.

This type of disingenuous political grandstanding has been played out time and time again. Congress has repeatedly thrown the judiciary to the wolves in an attempt to glorify themselves while they eagerly wait for there black-robed arch rivals to be torn to pieces in the court of public opinion. And they‘ve done a damn good job of it too. In an instance where the courts have steadfastly upheld the law they are still being vilified for their alleged activism. Admittedly the courts have almost routinely undermined democratically enacted laws but this time they attempted to stay out of the fray yet they are still maligned by the very conservatives who have belittled them for taking too prominent a role in legislative action.

This, my friends, is the very definition of hypocrisy. This, my friends, is also a case of a faith of convenience. And a faith of convenience is a hollow faith.

The time honored sports riot

The time honored tradition of the sports riot is still alive & well in America.

After West Virginia’s victory last night over Texas Tech in the NCAA Division I Basketball Championship Tournament’s Sweet Sixteen, students in Morgantown set over 50 fires in celebration of the Mountaineers’ success. Firemen extinguished all the fires yet were obstructed from their duties on several occasions. The Morgantown fire department issued several citations and one fire fighter was hit in the head by a full beer can. Morgantown has a day to brace for what could be another night of revelry if W. Virginia advances to the Final Four.

Ah the annual rights of winter, spring, summer, and fall. Ever since the late 80’s riots in locales where the favorite sports team wins anything have been common place. The fad started when the Detroit Pistons won their first NBA title back in ’89 and the city was kept nice and toasty by multiple fires and riotous behavior eerily reminiscent of the race riots of the 60’s.

Here in Colorado the were small scale riots in Denver after the Broncos’ Super Bowl wins and after the Avalanche won both of their Stanley Cups. I was personally tear gassed back in 2001 when the Denver cops, dressed in full riot gear, started lobbing canisters at any group of people larger than five in number. In Boulder riots sprung up after the Buffs won the college football co-National Championship in ’91 and after their back-to-back Big 12 titles a couple years ago. The Boulder city council responded by outlawing yet another tradition, the ratted out couch on the front porch. Seems many couches were used as kindling on more than one occasion.

No one does the sports riot in America like Chicago. In 1992, after the Bulls won their first NBA title, zealous fans caused $10 million in property damage in tribute to Michael Jordan and his winning ways. To date this little impromptu victory celebration is the most expensive in U.S. sports history.

But the real crown goes to the Europeans. In 1985, 39 fans were crushed to death in the infamous Heysel Stadium disaster. As a result English teams were banned from European competition for six years. On November, 17, 2004, fans of the Spanish national team hurled racist insults at two of the English side’s black players and even taunted them with monkey calls. In 1980 at Wembley Stadium thousands of Alan Minter supporters rioted after their beloved boxer was destroyed by Marvin Hagler. In 1990, soccer fans in Zagreb forced the cancellation of a match between hometown Dynamo Zagreb and the visiting Red Star Belgrade. The match was brought to a halt after ten minutes and the stadium was eventually set on fire.

Even those passive Canadians have dabbled in the riotous arts. Back in 1955 the Richard Riot gave a black eye to Montreal. On March 13 of that year Hall-of-Famer Maurice Richard was given a match penalty for deliberately injuring Hal Laycoe. Richard was suspended for the remainder of the season even as his Canadiens were battling for first place. Then NHL President Clarence Campbell refused to budge on Richard’s punishment. Canadiens’ fans were whipped into frenzy on March 17 when Campbell attended a Canadiens-Red Wings game at the Montreal Forum. Throughout the game the home-town faithful pelted Campbell with eggs, vegetables, and a host of other objects. The game was called off, forfeiting the win to Detroit, and the fans turned violent. The resulting fray resulted in $500,000 damage to the Forum and parts of the legendary arena were destroyed. As recently as 1994 Vancouver Canucks fans rioted after their team lost in the Stanley Cup finals to the New York Rangers.

The sports riot even dates back to hallowed antiquity. In 532 A.D. the Roman and Byzantine empires had established chariot races. Justinian I, then Emperor of Rome, supported a certain faction of charioteers and their fans. His allegiance to the so-called Blues was widely viewed as the reason why he commuted the death sentences of several accused murderers, who, incidentally, were also Blues supporters. Fans and members of the Blues and Greens, another chariot racing fan sect, demanded that the accused be set free. They broke into the prison and set fire to parts of Constantinople. Members of the Roman Senate saw this as an opportunity to remove Justinian from power. The Senate gained control over the rioters, stoked the fires of rebellion, and named Hypatius as the new Emperor. Justinian eventually put down the rebellion and trapped the rioters in the Hippodrome. An estimated 30,000 rioters were killed, including Hypatius.

As you can see the sports riot has a glorious history.

Bye bye Barry

Watching Barry Bonds’ impromptu interview on ESPN yesterday was like scraping your forehead with broken glass. Here sits perhaps the greatest baseball player of all time telling an ESPN reporter how his alleged persecution has finally gotten the best of him.

“I'm tired of my kids crying. You wanted me to jump off a bridge, I finally did. You finally brought me and my family down. ... So now go pick a different person”

Bonds continued to rant like a down trodden and spoiled child who had been denied the ’67 Mustang he’d wanted for his birthday. He continually railed against the media for their dogged pursuit over the last couple years.

This latest spiel is just another in a long line of bitterness from one of the most enigmatic sports figures in history. Only Bobby Knight can equal Bonds’ petulance displayed towards the media and fans.

Not since the days of Ty Cobb have we seen an athlete who so brazenly thumbs his nose at the very people responsible for his fame, notoriety, and money. In an infamous episode Cobb went into the stands and pummeled a boisterous and admittedly critical fan. Thing is, this fan had one arm and Cobb gleefully beat the tar out of him. Now Bonds has never physically assaulted any body but he’s time and again turned his back on his fans.

To say that his relationship with the media has been contentious would be putting it mildly. The only reason Bonds tolerates the media is because it’s a necessary evil of his job. Not that the media is virtuous or even kind and fact is they can be a den of vipers but if you foster at least an amicable relationship with them your job as a public figure is made infinitely easier.

Yes Bonds has been the most scrutinized athlete over the last three years but the bed he now lies in was made of his own doing. It’s a shame such a gifted athlete has to act like such a surly pain in the ass. His physical talents are unquestionable and had he acted like a decent human being he might possibly have gone down as the most revered athlete this side of Michael Jordan and Muhamid Ali.

If Bonds goes down for steroid use he deserves his fate. If the fire that Bonds burned across the sky in his 19 years in baseball is suddenly extinguished then, once again, he deserves his fate. If Bonds has indeed played his final game I, for one, shall not shed a single tear.

The case for judicial review

Conservative pundit Benjamin Shapiro has this to say about the doctrine of judicial review:

Perhaps judicial review wasn't such a great idea after all. In Marbury v. Madison (1803), Supreme Court Chief Justice John Marshall assumed the power of judicial review over acts of the legislature. According to Marshall, the Constitution vested in the Supreme Court the ability to overturn legitimately enacted laws if those laws conflicted with the Constitution itself.

It is anything but clear that the Constitution meant to create the power of judicial review. Marshall's opinion is full of holes, both textual and logical…

Still, judicial review works well in theory. The basic principle is this: Legislative acts of the people may not trump fundamental, universal values as expressed in the Constitution. Alexander Hamilton phrased it this way in Federalist No. 78: "Where the will of the legislature, declared in its statutes, stands in
opposition to that of the people, declared in the Constitution, the judges ought to be governed by the latter rather than the former. They ought to regulate their decisions by the fundamental laws rather than by those which are not fundamental."

But Hamilton admitted that if the judges were disposed to
substitute their will for the will of the people, if "they should be disposed to exercise will instead of judgment … [that] would prove that there ought to be no judges distinct from that [legislative] body." In other words, if the judges were to become merely a political branch, where a majority of five could trump a majority of the people while falsely claiming allegiance to the Constitution, then that would be an argument for dissolution of the judiciary as a distinct branch of government. Life tenure was supposed to guard against the politicization of the judicial branch.

The Supreme Court has consistently, for the past 50-odd years at the very least, substituted its judgment for the judgment of the people, without regard to the Constitution…

The time has come to do away with judicial review as a whole. The judicial branch has been politicized to such an extent that judges who fulfill Hamilton's qualifications – judges who compare legislation to the actual Constitution – are dubbed
conservative extremists, while judges who legislate from the bench are termed moderates. The system has become so thoroughly corrupt that the only choice left to us is a constitutional amendment ending judicial review of legislative acts.

Shapiro’s argument falls short on several levels. First, it supposes that there is no power vested in the people to remove officers of the judiciary. Second, the implication of Shapiro’s contention assumes that the courts have only recently been transformed into a political vassal. Third, Shapiro’s theory is that democratically enacted laws are somehow sacrosanct and are thus unassailable by the judiciary.

According to Article 2, Section 5 of the Constitution “The President, Vice President and all civil Officers of the United States, shall be removed from Office on Impeachment for, and Conviction of, Treason, Bribery, or other high Crimes and Misdemeanors.” Through this provision and Article 1 of the Constitution officers of the judiciary are directly accountable to Congress for abuse of authority and contravening Constitutional protections. The House of Representatives is responsible for the act of impeachment and can do so by a simple majority. The Senate tries the case and can convict by a two-thirds vote. The fact that justices are accountable to Congress and said representatives and senators are directly accountable to the people dictates that through a chain of procedure judicial officers are ultimately accountable to the people. And that chain is impeachment. Admittedly, the impeachment process is cumbersome and time consuming but it is a process nonetheless.

Shapiro’s second failure is that he hypothesizes that the judiciary has only been a political instrument for the last 50 years. This is patently false and the politicization of the courts was the very genesis of Marbury v Madison. In 1800 then President John Adams attempted to pack the judiciary with federalist judges in a preemptive strike against the incoming Thomas Jefferson and his so-called Jeffersonian Republicans. The Jeffersonians threatened the Supreme Court with impeachment if the Court overturned the repeal of the Judicial Act of 1800. A last minute appointee, William Marbury, sued the new Secretary of State, James Madison, for the refusal to recognize the delivery of the commission that would have made Marbury’s appointment official. This opening salvo is illustrative of the fact hat the courts have been a political tool since the infancy of this country. From the abolition of slavery and the women’s suffrage movement to the civil rights struggle of the ‘50’s & ‘60’s, the continuing war over abortion, and the debate over gay rights, the judiciary is and always has been a political tool. To claim otherwise is disingenuous and naïve.

The third major flaw in Shapiro’s argument is the supposition that democratically enacted laws are and should be held next to holy. Should the U.S. Congress legitimately enact a law with the full support of the people that made it legal to impale a dog on a pike and line Pennsylvania Avenue with dogs on spikes would Shapiro hold such a law to be sacred. I think not. If duly enacted laws fly in the face of the Constitution then said laws should be struck from the books. If Congress enacted legislation guaranteeing unfettered access to abortions Shapiro and those of his ilk would be up in arms. This is where checks and balances come into place. Congress can limit the courts’ appellate jurisdiction as the courts can smack down laws deemed to be unconstitutional. Ergo the two branches are accountable to each other.

Judicial review is and always has been a valuable, and admittedly, oft abused cannon of the legal process. Even though the courts can, and do, overstep their bounds, it would be folly to in effect throw the baby out with the bath water. A check must be placed on Congress’ power as well as the power of the judiciary.

Best linebackers and defensive backs ever

Today we’ll wrap up the best ever discussion by profiling the best ever linebackers and defensive backs.

LB-There are two backers who stand head and shoulders above the rest and are undoubtedly two of the best players in NFL history.

Dick Butkus played middle linebacker for the Chicago Bears from ’65-’73 when his brilliant career was cut short by knee injuries. For the eight years he played Butkus was the most feared and dominant defensive player in the game. His ferocious, take no prisoners style was reflective of the fact Butkus admittedly played every game as if it were his last. He was named to eight straight Pro Bowls and was an All Pro six times. Enshrined in Canton in ’79 Butkus was also named to the NFL’s 75th Anniversary Team in ’94. The former two-time All American from Illinois has been generally regarded as the best middle linebacker in NFL history for the last thirty years.

Lawrence Taylor terrorized the NFL for thirteen seasons. His vicious no-holds-barred style revolutionized the way the position was played. In his career Taylor amassed 1,088 tackles, 132.5 quarterback sacks (and 9.5 unofficially in ’81), and 33 forced fumbles. He made 10 Pro Bowls, was All Pro in each of his first nine seasons, and was named part of the 75th Anniversary Team. Taylor also won Defensive Player of the Year honors three times and won two Super Bowls. This maniacal defender cut a path of destruction through the NFL and his intensity was undeniable. Joe Montana, one of the best QB’s ever, once admitted Taylor was the only player he genuinely feared. Every quarterback who ever played against him can attest to Taylor’s ferocious nature. Just ask Joe Thiesman.

Honorable mention-Mike Singletary, Jack Hamm, Jack Lambert, Ray Nitzke, Willie Lanier, Ray Lewis, Derrick Thomas.

CB-there are several worthy candidates for the best corner back ever.

As an undrafted free agent Willie Brown’s career was nearly over before it even got started when he was cut by the Houston Oilers in ’63. Fortunately, the Denver Broncos gave him a shot and he didn’t disappoint. Blessed with size, 6’1” and 195 pounds, Brown was a fast, tough, smart, and savvy defender. He was named either All-AFL or All-NFL seven times, played in nine AFL and AFC title games and two Super Bowls, and scored on a 75 interception return in SB XI. Brown also had 54 career interceptions and was one of the most aggressive and intense CB’s in league history. Bronco fans cringe at the thought that the team traded away its best player to the hated Oakland Raiders in ’67 where he became a super star.

Deion Sanders is and has always been “Prime Time”. One of the most flamboyant and quotable players ever Deion was constant fodder for the highlight reel. His kick and punt return ability is the stuff of legend as is his cover ability. Sanders has been continually labeled as a soft player but opposing quarterbacks rarely, if ever, threw in his direction. So far in his career Deion has 51 interceptions and 19 combined kick/punt/int/fumble return touchdowns, an NFL record. The seven time Pro Bowl player was part of two Super Bowl champions, the 49ers in (4 and the Cowboys in ’95. Sanders is perhaps the greatest “shut down” corner back in league history.

At 5’9” and only 184 pounds soaking wet many league observers felt Darrell Green was too small to play in the NFL. Not only did he make it he played for the Washington Redskins for 20 years. Green made seven Pro Bowls, was the NFL’s fastest man four times, and has two Super Bowl wins under his belt. He had 54 career interceptions and 129 pass deflections. One memorable moment came on a Monday night when Green caught Eric Dickerson, one of the best and fastest running backs ever, from behind. Green, who is truly one of the classiest players ever, continues to shine off the field as well as he heads several charitable organizations and he was recently selected to serve as Chair of President Bush’s Council on Service and Civic Participation.

The verdict-Because football is a physical game and tackling is part of being a great defensive player Willie Brown is the best CB ever. Now I would never deny Deion’s cover skills but Brown was the more complete player.

S-there really is only one player who’s worthy in this category…Ronnie Lott. The only defensive back to earn All Pro honors at three different positions Lott was a tenacious defender who instilled dread in opposing receivers. The eight time All Pro also played in ten Pro Bowls. Lott grabbed 63 career interceptions and had over 1,000 career tackles. Lott was named to the 75th Anniversary Team and played on four Super Bowl Champs. The most defining moment in Lott’s career came when he injured his pinky and was forced to choose between season-ending surgery and having the tip of his finger cut off. Lott chose the latter.

Honorable mention CB & S-Rod Woodson, Steve Atwater, Mel Blount, Dick “Night Train” Lane, Mike Haynes, Ken Houston.

Ten minutes=PTSD

Just when I thought I had heard of every ill-conceived and frivolous type of litigation my sensibilities were rocked yet again by one of the most ridiculous and untenable lawsuits ever brought.

Now gather round while I break it down…

As reported on KUSA on March 15, 2005, Donna and Nicholas Johnson have filed suit in Denver District Court against North Suburban Medical Center for medical negligence, loss of consortium, and loss of earnings.

Seems a nurse handed Donna the wrong baby…for TEN MINUTES. Yup, you read correctly, ten minutes. Donna Johnson gave birth to a little girl on October 19, 2004. The following day Johnson tried to breast feed what she believed to be her daughter but lo and behold she had the wrong child. After ten minutes of attempted suckling Johnson became aware that she indeed had the wrong infant. The nurse responsible brought Johnson the right baby and subsequent DNA testing has determined that she now is in possession of her biological daughter.

As a result of this fiasco Johnson’s lawsuit claims that she has been diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder and is unable to return to work because of a constant obsession about losing her baby. Additionally, the suit claims that husband Nic has been denied marital intimacy with his wife because of the psychological trauma brought on by the incident.

Now, as a member of the legal community I’m appalled at the tenuous ground that this case is based on. A ten minute mistake has supposedly caused the same type of psychological trauma normally seen in combat veterans and those that have borne witness to or been the victims of extreme violence and others forms of severe stress. Originally PTSD was called “Soldiers Heart” following the American Civil War and evolved into “Shell Shock” that was further hypothesized and diagnosed during and immediately following WWI.

So now a ten minute colossal mistake has caused debilitating psychological trauma? This is ri-god-damn-diculous. Personally, I’d like to take the attorney who filed this steaming pile o’ feces out to the parking lot and pimp slap him around for about, oh, let’s say, ten minutes, and see if he gets PTSD.

Best defensive linemen ever

My little impromptu survey of the best ever continues with the best defensive linemen of all time. This is a hard task so I’ll split it up to DE and DT and name the best at each spot.

DE-Since sacks weren’t kept as an official statistic until ’82 it’s hard to say who was the best pass rusher ever but a compelling argument can be made for…

Reggie White was elected to a record 13 straight Pro Bowls, was Defensive Player of the Year twice, and was named to the NFL’s 75th Anniversary Team. His 198 sacks are second all time and his ferocious play on the field belie a gentle and dignified off-the-field demeanor. This deeply religious man was even better off the field as he was a mentor to inner-city youth and an ordained preacher at Inner City Church in Knoxville, Tennessee. White played in two Super Bowls and set a record with three sacks in SB XXXI when the Packers crushed the Patriots. ESPN’s Tom Jackson called White the greatest defender he’s ever seen. White died January 2, 2005 at the age of 43. The “Minister of Defense” will be sorely missed.

At 6’2” and 272 pounds Deacon Jones was the most feared and dominant defensive player of his time. The term and statistic “sack” was literally invented by Jones. Though unofficial, it’s been estimated that Deacon had 174 sacks during his fourteen year career. That equates to nearly one sack per game. Jones was an eight time Pro Bowl participant, including seven straight starts. He was all NFL six straight times and was Defensive Player of the Year twice. Jones teamed with fellow Hall of Famer Merlin Olsen to form one of the most devastating D-line combos ever seen. Jones & Olsen were half of the legendary “Fearsome Foursome” that was arguably the best defensive line unit in league history. Not bad for a 13th round draft pick who barely made the Rams roster as a rookie.

Bruce Smith owns the career sack record and was the first overall pick by Buffalo in the ’85 draft. He’s the only player in NFL history with more than 200 sacks. Smith has 575 career tackles and 45 forced fumbles. Smith played in four Super Bowls and 11 straight Pro Bowls. He also sacked 75 different quarterbacks throughout his career and owns the records for most seasons with double-digit sacks and playoff sacks.

The verdict-Because of his career sack total and status as perhaps the best defensive player ever Reggie White is the best DE ever. Though I like Deacon Jones better as a player I can’t ignore the fact that many former NFL players and coaches regard White with such high esteem. Deacon was great but Reggie was just a skosh better.

DT-This one’s even tougher to call.

The 6’4” 275 pound “Mean” Joe Greene possessed uncanny quickness for his size. The number one overall pick in 1969 by Pittsburg anchored what many feel was the best defense ever. Greene played in ten Pro Bowls and was all NFL five times. He also owns four Super Bowl rings and was named NFL Defensive Player of the Year twice.

Alan Page played in 236 straight games and was part of the infamous “Purple People Eaters” defensive line of the Minnesota Vikings that played in four Super Bowls. Page was NFL MVP in ’71, was Defensive POY three times, and was named to ten straight Pro Bowls. He blocked 28 kicks, recovered 23 fumbles, and unofficially recorded 173 sacks. Page was All NFL nine times, six first team and three second team, and was appointed to the Minnesota State Supreme Court.

Randy White had over 1,100 career tackles and an unofficial 111 sacks. White missed one game in 14 seasons and was named All Pro and to the Pro Bowl nine straight times. As a member of the Dallas Cowboys White played in three Super Bowls and was the game’s co-MVP in SB XII when they beat the Broncos 27-10.

The verdict-the name says it all, “Mean” Joe.

Honorable mention for DE and DT-Leroy Selmon, Merlin Olsen, Howie Long, Carl Eller, Bob Lilly.

Say it ain't so!

The March wrestling match between Tonya Harding and gender bender Daisy D has been called off. Yes, you heard it correctly. Harding was slated to duke it out with a Florida area transvestite. The flamboyant Daisy D weighed in at 135 as did Harding.

I think Eddie Izzard put it perfectly, "Oh for f**k sake!"

Somewhere a trailor park mourns.

No soup for you!

This from The Rocky Mountain News, March 14, 2004...

A majority of CU regents said Sunday they oppose any financial settlement with
Ward Churchill, aborting an attempted buyout of the controversial professor's
contract.

"I'm almost certain there's not going to be a settlement,"
said Steve Bosley, one of five on the nine-member board who has decided to
oppose a deal.

At last the CU Board of Regents has grown a spine. Now if they'll only fire this dumbass and stop the bleeding. I think plagarism, fraud, and contract violations are enough ammo. I hope that's Ward's head I see on the chopping block. Zzzzzzzzzzzzip, thuuunk goes the guillotine.

Best ever WR, TE, OL

As I bide my time until the draft I'll definitively, or not, end all discussion of who are the greatest football players of all time. Today we finish up the offensive side of the ball.

WR-Only one player in NFL history has 22,000 yards receiving, 23,000 yards from scrimmage, 1,500 receptions, 200+ touchdowns, 280 consecutive games with a reception, 1,800+ receiving yards in a season, and 22 TD catches in a season...Jerry Rice. To put his numbers into perspective Rice's 22,000 yards receiving are 8,000 more than second place Tim Brown. His 200+ touchdowns are 60 more than Emmitt Smith's who sits at number two and Rice's 197 TD receptions gives him a 67 TD gap between him and Chris Carter who's second all-time. The consecutive game streak with at least one reception is 100 more than Art Monk's 183 game mark. Not to mention the three Super Bowl rings, the MVP in '87, 11 Pro Bowls, Rookie of the Year in '85, and ten All Pro selections. Rice's legacy as maybe the best to ever strap on shoulder pads is safe and his selection to the Hall of Fame may be the biggest slam dunk in NFL history. Rice put up ungodly numbers that may never be touched and is the gold standard by which all other receivers will from here after be compared.

Honorable mention-none, there is no one even close.

TE-This is at first glance a close race. But as you look at the numbers the best tight end picture comes more clearly into focus. First we'll examine the principles then give the verdict.

Kellen Winslow was the best tight end of his era. Winslow finished up a Hall of Fame career with 541 catches, 6,741 yards receiving, and 45 TD's. Winslow was named to the Pro Bowl five times and was a three time All Pro. Knee injuries cut his career short but not before Winslow turned in one of the gutsiest performances in NFL history. In 1981 the Chargers and Dolphins pushed there playoff game to overtime after Winslow blocked a last second field goal that would have won the game for Miami. Winslow finished the game with 13 catches for 166 yards. At the end of the game the severely dehydrated tight end had to be helped off the field in what is still one of the most stirring images in NFL history.

Ozzie Newsome was a two-time All Pro and three-time Pro Bowl participant. His 662 career reception, 7,980 yards, and 47 TD's are second all-time amongst tight ends. Newsome had a catch in 150 straight games and was the unquestioned leader of a Cleveland Browns team that played in three AFC Championship games.

Shannon Sharpe came out of Savannah State as a special teams wide receiver and wasn't a full time starter at tight end until '92. His 815 catches, 10,060 yards, and 62 touchdowns are by far the best ever from the position. Sharpe won three Super Bowls and was the crutch John Elway leaned on throughout much of his career. Sharpe is generally regarded as the greatest pass catching TE ever and was a surprisingly effective blocker despite only weighing 230 pounds. Sharpe's stellar play was out done only by his mouth. A memorable Monday not game saw Sharpe taunt Derrick Thomas mercilessly to the point of ejection. Another infamous moment came during a game in Foxboro where the Broncos were trouncing the home-town Patriots. Sharpe mocked a hostile crowd and feigned a call to the National Guard because the Broncos were "killing the Patriots". No one could talk like Sharpe.

Verdict-Sharpe's numbers say it all. He played with maybe the best quarterback ever and was the man's security blanket. Sharpe is the most prolific pass catching tight end ever by far and backed up his trash talking with spectacular reliability. Sharpe should be a first ballot Hall-of-Famer and is the best tight end ever.

Honorable mention-Tony Gonzalez, Mike Ditka, Dave Casper.

OL-All you need to know is that Anthony Munoz broke the weight machine at his rookie combine. The third pick overall in 1980 Munoz erased any and all reservations about his alleged brittle and injury proned college career. He was an All Pro and Pro Bowl selection eleven straight years. Munoz was named to the NFL's 75th Anniversary team and won Offensive Lineman of the Year honors three times. As a sophomore in college Munoz pitched for Southern Cal's national title winning baseball squad. Few players ever dominated their positions like Munoz did and that's why he's the best O-lineman ever.

Honorable mention-Gary Zimmerman, Orlando Pace, Eric Williams, Larry Allen, John Hannah, Dwight Stevenson, Mike Webster.

The best ever

As I deal with the debilitating symptoms of football withdraw I thought I could get my fix and have some fun listing the greatest players in NFL history. So here’s a lament’s view on the best players of all time position by position. Over the next week I’ll argue the merits of football’s all-time greats. We’ll start with the two most glamorous positions in the sport.

QB-This debate begins and ends with three names; Joe Montana, Johnny Unitas, and John Elway. A compelling argument could be made for all three. Unitas had an air about him where you just knew he was going to win. Montana was the smartest and most accurate passer ever and his four Super Bowl rings don’t hurt. Elway is probably the most physically gifted quarterback to ever play. He could run, throw, throw on the run, run on the throw, you name it he could do it.

When you put this debate into context the picture still remains fuzzy.

Unitas had Hell-of-Famer Raymond Berry to throw to and was the first QB to throw for over 40,000 yards. Unitas owns what may be the most unbreakable record in football and maybe all of sports (DiMaggio’s 56 game consecutive hit streak and Wilt Chamberlain’s 100 points in a game rank up there); 47 straight games in which he threw a touchdown pass. Only Brett Favre at 36 and Dan Marino at 30 have even come close. Unitas led the Colts to a pair of NFL Championships in ’58 & ’59 and was easily the best quarterback ever until…

Montana won four Super Bowls playing for one of the best coaches ever. Bill Walsh put Montana into a perfect system for his talents. Montana never made bad decisions, was arguably the most accurate passer ever, and ran a difficult offense like Beethoven on a piano. He also had the best receiver ever to throw at and had a vastly underrated Roger Craig as a running back. Montana threw for 40,000 yards and led his team to the playoffs eleven times. Montana was an eight time Pro Bowler and three time MVP. His toss to Dwight Clark in the 1981 NFC Championship game known simply as “The Catch” may be the most famous play in NFL history.

Elway is one of only two QB’s to ever throw for 50,000+ yards and is only the third ever to toss 300 TD passes. He remains the only quarterback to start five Super Bowls winning two. Elway has the most fourth quarter game-winning or game-tying drives of any QB ever (47), a stat that was literally inspired by his mythical comebacks. Elway’s 334 career TD’s (300 throwing, 33 rushing, 1 receiving) accounted for 82.2% of the broncos’ scoring during his sixteen year tenure. Elway accomplished all this despite not having a single Pro Bowl receiver prior to ’95. In fact, Ed McCaffrey is only the second Pro Bowl receiver Elway ever had. However, Elway did have maybe the best TE ever in Shannon Sharpe and never came close to winning the Super Bowl prior to the arrival of Terrell Davis.

The verdict-because of the numbers he put up, the two Championship rings, and the fact that he won 148 games in his career, another record, John Elway, in my estimation and with as much impartiality as I can muster, is the best QB ever. If this were just a statistical competition Dan Marino would be the best ever and Warren Moon would be in the top five. But you have to take championships into account. Admittedly, if Elway had never won a Super Bowl his name would never enter this discussion but neither would Montana nor Unitas.

Honorable mention: Dan Marino, Brett Favre, Steve Young, Terry Bradshaw, Joe Namath, Roger Staubach, and Dan Fouts.

RB-There are literally half a dozen different guys you could make a legit case for. Emmitt Smith has the career yards and rushing TD’s records in his pocket. Walter Payton broke the career rushing yards record and held it until Smith broke it several years ago and is still number two all time. Gale Sayers was the most electrifying and explosive runner perhaps the game has ever seen. Eric Dickerson hit the hole harder and faster than anyone I’ve ever seen and his stride looked like a gazelle’s. The list could go on…but for the sake of argument and so that I don’t have to profile umpteen different backs this debate boils down to two; Barry Sanders and Jim Brown.

Barry Sanders redefined the term play maker. He made cuts that would have resulted in compound fractures of the leg for mere mortals. His career per carry average is second all-time and Sanders is one of only two backs with more than 750 carries to average 5+ yards per touch. His retirement in 2000 derailed what should have been an all-out assault on the record books. In ten years he rushed for over 15,000 yards and had 99 touchdowns. Had he played four or five more years he could have put the career rushing mark over 20,000. His 1,500 yard per season average is the best in NFL history and he was never held below 1,000 yards in his entire career. Only Emmitt Smith and Curtis Martin have as many consecutive 1,000 yard seasons. All this on top of the fact he may be the classiest player ever to set foot in a stadium and Sanders’ legacy is complete.

Jim Brown owned nearly every rushing record in the book for over twenty years. Brown has been retired for forty years but is still the only back in history to average over one hundred yards per game and his 5.2 yard per carry career average is still the best ever. Brown rushed for 106 touchdowns in 118 games. He is still number eight on the all-time list despite having over 500 FEWER career carries than anyone else in the top ten. Brown led the league in rushing eight times (the next best is four seasons held by five different backs), including five straight years, both are still records. He led the league in rushing TD’s five times, yet another record. Brown is also generally regarded as the best lacrosse player Syracuse ever had and maybe the best in the history of the NCAA. At 6’2” and 232 pounds Brown had blinding speed and a ferocious running style. He ran over, around, past, and through defenders and even by today’s standards would be considered a big back.

The verdict-Both are worthy of the title best ever and both retired in their primes and far too soon. If you project out there numbers another four or five years and give Brown sixteen game seasons throughout his career both would have put up mind boggling numbers. Had both played for fifteen seasons with an equal number of games Sanders could have rushed for 21,600 yards and Brown for 22,500. No one could have touched those marks. When you consider that Sanders NEVER had a good offensive line or a run oriented offense the numbers he put up are doubly amazing. But Brown is still the only back to average 100+ yards a game and 5.2 yards per carry. For his first four years the NFL had a twelve game season and a fourteen game slate for Brown’s final five. Brown owns records that have been on the books for forty years and may never be touched. Both left the game far too early and both were as good as they get but the ever-so-slight nod goes to Jim Brown.

See ya

Elizabeth Hoffman has now resigned as president of the University of Colorado. Now if we could only work on the inept CU Board of Regents. It is to hope.

A trend?

My most recent posts seem to revolve around all that is stinky. Boy, I gotta get out more.

The stink police

This from Associated Press…

“SAN LUIS OBISPO, Calif. -- A new county law aims to keep readers from reeking. Libraries in San Luis Obispo County have had their own rules banning offensive body odor since 1994, but the policy became law after the Board of Supervisors last month adopted an ordinance that lets authorities kick out malodorous guests.

Visitors to 14 libraries and a bookmobile also could be asked to leave for fighting, eating, drinking, sleeping, playing games, and printing or viewing illegal materials on library computers.

"The point is to make the library a comfortable, safe place for everyone to use," said Moe McGee, assistant director of the San Luis Obispo City-County Library.

A strict code of conduct, officials argue, is needed to ensure one patron's right to use a public library doesn't infringe on the rights of another.

Yet the law can raise tough questions for librarians, said Irene Macias, Santa Barbara's library services manager. "What is bad odor?" Macias asked. "A woman who wears a strong perfume? A person who had a garlicky meal?"”

So now the powers that be are legislating odor.

If so, one of my best friends, T-Diddy, is in big trouble. You see, T has a rather notorious lactose intolerance problem. One day T and I were at the Colorado State campus in Ft. Collins after chowing down a heaping helping of your basic New York style greasy pizza. On the drive from the mall to CSU, which took all of ten minutes, I could literally hear the pizza racing its way through T’s digestive tract. We parked and he made a mad dash to the restroom wherein T-Diddy proceeded to drop a bomb that could have stripped the chrome off a bumper. The stench wafted down the hall and the poor, unsuspecting custodian got physically ill.

If odiferous emanations were truly illegal T-Diddy would be Ted Bundy.

CU or PeeYeeww?

That stench you smell is emanating from the University of Colorado. CU has been under siege throughout the last year due to two very public and infamous incidents; the Gary Barnet recruiting fiasco and the Ward Churchill episode. And at the root of it all may be the CU Board of Regents and University President Betsy Hoffman.

A brief rundown of the sordid state of affairs at Colorado’s largest university system:

Ward Churchill--

The now infamous “When Chickens Come Home to Roost” essay in which Churchill compared 9-11 victims in the World Trade Center towers to Adolph Eichman started the ball rolling.

Now the Cherokee nation says they have no record of Churchill’s registration for Native American status and dispute his claims of being part Indian. His status as part of the Keetoowah Band was strictly honorary and required no proof of Native American heritage.

Churchill allegedly lied to CU about his Indian heritage in order to procure his job in the ethnic studies department.

Allegedly copied several paintings and passed them off as his work and sold hundreds of copies of the works, an offense that would amount to copyright violation.

Two different departments at CU refused to give Churchill tenure before the communications department reluctantly acquiesced. Seems the university was fearful of losing the now embattled professor.

Gary Barnett & the CU football program--

Accusations of rampant recruiting violations which include solicitation of sex, providing minors with alcohol, and sex parties for recruits.

Several players and coaches have been accused of sexual misconduct ranging from sex with female trainers, sexual assault and harassment, and allegations of at least half a dozen rapes involving players and coaches. Katie Hnida publicly alleged being sexually assaulted by a team mate.

A civil suit filed in Federal District court alleging sexual assault on the part of an assistant coach goes to trial later in March.

Recruiting assistant Nathan Maxcey has been indicted for soliciting prostitutes allegedly in connection with several rendezvous set up for recruits at local hotels.

And now the grand jury investigation regarding CU has been leaked. It contains some fairly disturbing accusations (the following is from The Rockey Mountain News, March 1, 2005, by Todd Hartman & Kevin Vaughan and from 9News)

Three of twelve players interviewed admitted sex was used as a recruiting tool.
An accusation that CU displayed "misfeasance" in regard to how Barnett's football camps dealt with money and bookkeeping issues, asserting that camp monies amounted to "slush funds."
An accusation that the CU Foundation, the university's $700 million fund-raising arm, failed to turn over certain documents.
The conclusion that Barnett and director of football operations David Hansburg gave conflicting testimony on how money from the football camps was handled.
A statement that $2,500 could be missing from the accounts of Barnett's football camps at any given time but that the money wouldn't be missed.
A criticism of Barnett for the way he handled a meeting with "Jane Doe," a woman who alleged that she was sexually assaulted by a football player.

That’s quite a laundry list of accusation leveled at one of the largest and most visible university systems in the country. Therein lies the rub…the Board of Regents and Betsy Hoffman have apparently been asleep at the wheel for years.

Not only did they fail to take notice of Churchill’s essay in 2002 when he wrote & published the damn thing but they didn’t even review or investigate Churchill’s Native American status. Apparently Churchill is guilty of defrauding the university and plagiarism but Hoffman et al are seemingly frightened of the prospect of removing a tenured professor. Churchill continues to rattle his saber in public defiance of his impending doom.

As far as Barnett is concerned the university has repeatedly claimed that in order to rid themselves of their football coach it would cost $5 million to buy him out of his contract and untold legal fees should Barnett file wrongful termination charges. I flat out don’t buy it. This university has the CU Foundation which has raised over $700 million in donations. They can’t drum up $5 million? Puh-leez. They could have canned Barnett for lack of institutional control, violations of his morals clause, and multiple recruiting violations. Larry Eustachy, Mike Price, and Rick Neuheisel were all recently fired for conduct unbecoming that didn’t amount to squadoosh compared to Barnett’s shenanigans. Yet college football’s Teflon Don sits high atop Mt. Folsom because, once again, the powers that be at CU have not a spine to speak of.

Betsy Hoffman and the Board of Regents are too chickens**t to affect meaningful change at CU. They’re mired in investigation as the institution they owe a fiduciary duty to sinks from ‘neath their feet. As the powers that be at CU flail around like drowning dogs the university is taking a beating in the court of public opinion. Out of state applications are down by 25%, fund raising supposedly is lagging, and the football program has run amuck. Hoffman & Co. need to stop rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic and do their jobs.

Grrrrrrrrrr

Thought for the day…

If I ever meet the person who invented pop-up windows I’m going to bludgeon them to death with a frozen turnip while they sleep.

A glimpse into idiosyncratic lunacy

I just finished watching “Saw”, one in a long line of recent movies that have given force to resuscitating the dying horror genre. While watching the movie I became keenly aware of one of my most debilitating phobias. I am genuinely afraid of wooden puppets and ventriloquist dummies.

Without delving too much into the plot there was this part where a freaky assed wooden puppet rode a tricycle across the screen. For the first time since I watched “The Exorcist” when I was twelve a scene in a movie genuinely frightened the bejesus out of me and I had to avert my eyes until the weird little marionette passed.

When I was a kid, maybe 12, I watched a movie wherein this demonic wooden ventriloquist dummy with a black tux and top hat took over the mind of its unsuspecting owner. To this day I don’t know why that flick scared me but it did. And I’m comfortable with that.

So please, for your own safety, stay away from the puppets. They’ll get you.

Our fat booty nation

This from Reuters:

“Average life expectancy in the United States rose to a record 77.6 years in 2003 from 77.3 years in 2002, according to the latest data from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.
Although women on average still lived longer than men in 2003 -- 80.1 years versus 74.8 years -- the gender gap in mortality narrowed, continuing a 25-year trend, the CDC said in a report…
Chief among them were significant declines in mortality from heart disease, cancer and stroke, the three biggest killers. Death rates for these conditions fell between 2.2 percent and 4.6 percent…
Lower death rates from HIV, drug and alcohol abuse and use of firearms also helped boost life expectancy.
There were 2,443,930 deaths in 2003, according to the CDC data, which is preliminary. The overall death rate fell 1.7 percent from 2002 when adjusted to account for changes in the age distribution of the population.”

But the CDC has cautioned that the current so-called obesity epidemic could reverse the trend. As a nation, we are now fatter than ever.

The moral of the story…STEP AWAY FROM THE SALAD AND STEP UP TO THE BURRITO. You’ll live longer.

Of Jr. and foreign policy

I’m baaaaaaack!

The bar exam was brutal and the closest thing to intellectual sodomy one will ever experience. As they passed out our exams and answer sheets a fleeting thought passed through my brain, “What, no lubricant?” So now my self-imposed sabbatical is over and I can once again pollute the world with my insipid tripe.

So allow me to vent about our illustrious president.

Jr. is in Europe meeting with the leaders of several European Union countries. These are the same people, particularly Jacques Chirac and Gerhard Schroeder, that have yet to lift a damn finger as far as the Middle East is concerned and now we’re cozying up to these nit wits. Bush met with Chirac in Belgium and painted a phony smile on his face the likes of which we haven’t seen since Blinky the Clown passed.

Today Jr. is supposed to meet with Vladamir Putin during their much anticipated summit in Bratslavia, Slovakia to discuss a nuclear security and anti-terrorism agreement. Let me get this straight. Our president is discussing nuclear protocol and terrorism prevention with the guy who is selling plutonium & enriched uranium to Iran, who sabotaged the election in the Ukraine, who’s jailing political dissidents left & right, and who has now taken government control over the Russian media. This is like conferring with Courtney Love about fashion and table manners.

Now I realize that trudging through the morass known as foreign policy is akin to tap dancing in a mine field but, as the sole super power left in the world, are we going to start courting thugs like Putin. Four years ago Jr. said he “was able to get a sense of his soul, a man deeply committed to his country and the best interests of his country.” What the ?! Talk about your major Pollyanna complex. Jr. apparently had his head stuck so far in the sand he could drink ground water with a straw.

This is the very same US President that stated to the world after 9-11 that “you’re either with us or against us.” This is the equivalent to telling all those who didn’t support us to F off. And now he’s schmoozing the very same leaders who turned their collective backs on us three years ago. Bush is now talking in circles so much his tongue could open a wine bottle.

Bush has all the deftness of a blind man throwing darts. It’s more likely that he’ll nail the bartender in the forehead with a pointy projectile than actually hit the board. Watching Jr. conduct foreign policy is like watching the Marx Brothers screw in a light bulb. It’s like asking Captain Hook to give you a colonoscopy. It’s just painful.

Why didn’t Jr. do this three years ago?

Week 12 picks

Minnesota over Jacksonville
KC over San Diego
Houston over Tennessee
Cincy over Cleveland
Tampa over Carolina
Pittsburgh over Washington
Philly over Giants
Atlanta over New Orleans
Seattle over Buffalo
Miami over San Fran
Arizona over Jets
Patriots over Baltimore
Green Bay over Rams
And my Broncos over the hated Raiders

Those fiscally responible Repubs

This from Taxpayers for Common Sense…

“Here they go again. With the fat lady singing on the 108th Congress, lawmakers have just passed a massive spending bill that virtually no one has read, and no one knows much about. Despite this, hardly anyone seems to care. We heard a lot about how this bill is fiscally responsible. However, the facts speak for themselves. This bill is the fattest legislative hog that we have ever seen and despite record deficits, lawmakers are much more concerned with feathering the nests of their favorite parochial interests. If this bill is an indicator of what's to come, we will be swimming up a river of red ink for quite some time.

Below are 20 of the most egregious earmarks in the bill:

1. $25,000: Curriculum development for the study of mariachi music, Clark County School Distinct, NV, Labor-HHS.
2. $25,000: Banana Factory for an arts and technology after school program, Bethlehem, PA, Labor-HHS.
3. $45,000: A+ for Abstinence for abstinence education and related services, Waynesboro, PA, Labor-HHS.
4. $300,000: CyberSeniors, Inc. - Experience Senior Power Program, Detroit, MI, Labor-HHS.
5. $225,000: National Wild Turkey Federation, SC, Agriculture.
6. $250,000: Country Music Hall of Fame, Nashville, TN, VA/HUD.
7. $1,000,000: Missouri Pork Producers Federation: converting animal waste into energy, MO, VA/ HUD.
8. $75,000: Renovations of the Merry Go Round Playhouse, Auburn, NY, VA/HUD.
9. $100,000: Punxsutawney Weather Museum, Punxsutawney, PA, VA/HUD.
10. $306,000: Restroom repair at Porter Beach at Indian Dunes NL, IN, Interior.
11. $4,989,000: Stabilize bathhouses for adaptive reuse, Hot Springs, AR, Interior.
12. $800,000: Soybean Rust Research, Ames, IA, Interior.
13. $1,400,000: Laser lines of tug roads and lake Hood Seaplane base, Ted Stevens International Airport, AK, Transportation.
14. $1,593: Potato Storage, Madison, WI, Agriculture.
15. $250,000: Asparagus Technology and Production, WA, Agriculture.
16. $50,000: Feral Hogs, MO, Agriculture.
17. $150,000: Coca-Cola Space Science Center, Columbs, GA, VA/HUD
18. $150,000: Beaver management and damage. WI, Agriculture
19. $250,000: Sidewalks, street furniture, and facade improvements. Boca Raton, FL, VA/HUD
20. $200,000: American Cotton Museum. Greenville, TX, VA/HUD.”

This new spending bill is roughly $388 billion. This comes on the heels of President Bush signing into law an $800 BILLION debt limit increase. The maximum debt by law that the U.S. can carry is now $8.184 TRILLION. Under Republican leadership deficit spending is out of control. Anyone who talks about the fiscal responsibility of Republicans needs to look at the numbers.

Week 11 picks

Pittsburg over Cincy
Indy over Chicago
Arizona over Carolina
St. Louis over Buffalo
Baltimore over Dallas
Tampa over 49ers
Minnesota over Detroit
Jacksonville over Tennessee
Jets over Cleveland
Seattle over Miami
San Diego over Oakland
Philly over Washington
Atlanta over Giants
Green Bay over Houston
Patriots over KC
My Broncos over the Saints

Now the college picks…
#7 Michigan over Ohio St.
#18 Virginia over Georgia Tech
#2 Auburn over Alabama
#9 Wisconsin over #17 Iowa
#10 Florida St. over Florida

Week 10 results

W-New Orleans over KC (no Priest)
W-Jacksonville over Detroit
W-Indy over Houston
W-Steelers over Cleveland
W-Atlanta over Tampa
L-Tennessee over Chicago
W-St. Louis over Seattle
W-Baltimore over Jets
W-Washington over Cincy
W-San Fran over Carolina
W-Green Bay over Minnesota
W-Giants over Arizona
W-Patriots over Buffalo
W-Philly over Dallas

Damn! I only missed one game! I smoked BR’s butt and am now even with the self proclaimed “Best Sports Mind in Denver”. Hah! It is to laugh.

Now the college picks…
L-#13 West Virginia over #21 Boston College
L-#24 Notre Dame over Pitt
L-#10 Virginia over #18 Miami
L-Texas Tech over #22 Texas A&M
W-#2 Oklahoma HUGE over Nebraska
W-#3 Auburn over #8 Georgia

Auburn may be the best team in college football right now and if they get screwed out of a birth in the national championship game something drastic needs to happen…say…maybe…a freakin playoff! Div. III, Div. II, Div I A all have playoff formats and actually receive a sanctioned NCAA Championship trophy. What a novel concept. Plus, Boise State and Utah will likely finish unbeaten but will be frozen out of title contention because of this inane and idiotic system. It can be done. The money is there, the networks would kill to televise a TRUE title game, and, if done correctly, a national playoff could rival the NFL in popularity and the almighty television ratings.

These stories are true...I swear

A former gay pornographic movie producer, Marc Schaffel, is suing Michael Jackson for $3 million. Schaffel claims that Jackson is in material breach of contract stemming from millions loaned to the King of Pop for extravagant spending sprees which included Bentley and Rolls Royce cars, a $600,000 gift to Elizabeth Taylor, a $1 million appearance fee for Marlon Brando, and $500,000 so the reclusive pop icon could sequester himself and his family. Before becoming part of Jackson’s inner sanctum, Scaffel was most famous for producing gay porno’s such as “Cocktales” and “Man With The Golden Rod”. All contracts in question between Schaffel and Jackson were…oral…in nature.

Seems now PETA, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, is urging people not to eat fish. The following is a verbatim quote directly from PETA’s web site, “Fish are interesting, intelligent animals who feel pain, use tools, and have impressive long-term memories and sophisticated social structures. Fish are friends, not food.” This also from Dr. Sylvia Earle, “I never eat anyone I know personally. I wouldn’t deliberately eat a grouper any more than I’d eat a cocker spaniel…You know, fish are sensitive, they have personalities.”

The following is a headline also from PETA’s site…"Giant Tampon Stops Flow of Traffic to Protest Painful Menstruation Experiments on Animals”

From Sao Paulo, Brazil -- A family's Rottweiler killed a man Tuesday after he came home drunk and began beating his wife, police said. The attack took place when Renato Danesei Neto, 55, returned to his home and began arguing with his wife and beating her, police said. The dog intervened, jumping on the owner and biting him on the neck until he died. Relatives said the couple had frequent quarrels and the dog always defended the wife, 51-year-old Valeria Bernadete Danesi. (Note to self: Kill dog first)

This from the September 9 edition of the Pensacola News Journal…A man who told deputies he was trying to shoot his seven puppies was wounded when one of the animals caused his gun to discharge, the Escambia County Sheriff's Office reported Wednesday. Jerry Allen Bradford, 37, of the 4700 block of Rigby Road, who was shot in the wrist by a .38-caliber revolver, faces felony animal cruelty charges in the incident that occurred Monday, the Sheriff's Office said…From September 20-“Pistol Packing Pooch Survives Hurricane”- Remember Trigger, the avenging puppy who shot his owner as the man was about to turn the same gun on him and his three siblings? Trigger survived Hurricane Ivan and is faring well at the Escambia County Animal Shelter with a sister and mother, Sadie.

According to the Las Angeles Times, California is considering a by-the-mile-driving-tax system. Under the current proposal the new tax would replace a 18 cent-a-gallon gasoline tax already in place. The new system would require California drivers to fit their cars with a mileage tracking device that would meter the miles driven then beam the info to a GPS satellite.

From Sapa-AFP-London - More than 25 percent of married couples in Briton have lost one or both of their wedding rings since tying the knot, according to a survey released on Tuesday. Researchers found that 15 percent of brides had lost their original wedding ring, with one in 10 grooms also admitting to losing the traditional symbol of eternal love and commitment. Nearly one in five brides also owned up to losing their engagement ring, according to the survey of 1 500 couples for Prudential, a home insurance underwriter. The most common time for a ring to go missing was within two years of wedding day, according to a third of the couples. Nearly one in five said they lost their rings after 10 years of marriage.

NONE OF THE PREVIOUS STORIES WERE FABRICATED IN ANY WAY!

Post election trauma

Now that we all have to suffer through four more years of Bush Jr., the political version of Revenge of the Nerds Part 2, people are now being diagnosed with what’s being referred to as “Post Election Selection Trauma”, or PEST. Florida psychologist Douglas Schooler has treated dozens with symptoms like insomnia, anxiety, and hyper tension. In fact, the Boca Raton based American Health Association has started a support group for sufferers of PEST. Many PEST victims are experiencing relapses from the 2000 presidential election.

In yet another feeble attempt to enlighten and educate I’ve done minutes of copious research into other election related illnesses.

Four More Years Phobia-characterized by night terrors, sweats, and an uncontrollable urge to vomit at the mere sight of a known Republican. There is no known cure.

Delusions of Adequacy-this most severe of known delusions dictates that the victim, typically a conservative, has the unfounded yet powerful notion that even a village idiot can be an effective president.

Plantaphobia-this ailment is characterized by the urge to nominate and support yet another potted plant to run for president. Only Democrats suffer from this insidious phobia and it was only discovered in the year 2000.

Wardrobe Based Turrets-an uncontrollable urge to shout or bark profanities and epithets at the sight of John Kerry in hunter’s camouflage or George Bush in a flight suit. A relatively new phenomenon, WBT was first diagnosed in Democrats after Michael Dukakis was shown in the turret of a tank during the 1988 presidential campaign. WBT is also characterized by uncontrollable fits of laughter, snorting, and bed wetting.

Phonicaphobia-sufferers of this dreaded illness are seemingly incapable of speaking in complete and intelligible sentences. George Bush is the most well known sufferer of phonicaphobia.

Hanging Chadism-an irrational fear of punch cards and voting machines. This malidy seems to be isolated in Florida and Ohio. The only known cure is to either relocate to a civilized state or burn Catherine Harris, Jeb Bush, and Karl Rove in effigy.

If you find yourself suffering from any of the afore mentioned symptoms, seek immediate psychiatric attention. I will do more research…perhaps at the next commercial break. Sportscenter is on.

Week 10 picks

Damn, the Steelers look like world beaters. They beat New England and Philadelphia in successive weeks by an aggregate score of 71-23. It’s not the mere fact that Pittsburg beat the two NFL kingpins back-to-back, it’s the way they beat them. The Steelers imposed their will on the two best teams in football and physically beat the hell out of them. Both the Eagles and Pats looked like demoralized and spent football teams. The ease with which the Steelers beat the Pats and Eagles was stunning. In the two games the Steelers were behind for only 1:52, and that was after Vinatieri kicked a field goal barely two minutes into the first quarter. Right now the Steelers are the best team in football.

New Orleans over KC (no Priest)
Jacksonville over Detroit
Indy over Houston
Steelers over Cleveland
Atlanta over Tampa
Tennessee over Chicago
St. Louis over Seattle
Baltimore over Jets
Washington over Cincy
San Fran over Carolina
Green Bay over Minnesota
Giants over Arizona
Patriots over Buffalo
Philly over Dallas

Now the college picks…
#13 West Virginia over #21 Boston College
#24 Notre Dame over Pitt
#10 Virginia over #18 Miami
Texas Tech over #22 Texas A&M
#2 Oklahoma HUGE over Nebraska
#3 Auburn over #8 Georgia

New Amendments

Here are some amendments I would propose for the U.S. Constitution.

Amendment XXVIII-No longer will athletes, politicians, entertainers, or other public figures be allowed to refer to themselves in the third person. Violations will be punishable by eight years of house arrest wherein the confined must watch Sponge Bob Square Pants twenty four hours a day.

Amendment XXIX-The American beautification shall be accomplished by prohibiting ugly girls from driving with convertible tops down. In addition, no American who has more than seventeen percent body fat will be permitted to wear spandex, crop top shirts, or revealing clothing of any kind.

Amendment XXX-Lip syncing will be strictly prohibited in all live concerts or television appearances.

Amendment XXXI-Jennifer Garner must dump Ben Affleck and marry me immediately.

Amendment XXXII-Anyone that says “nu-cu-lar” instead of “nu-cle-ar” shall be stripped naked and publicly horse whipped followed by a comprehensive lesson in Hooked on Phonics.

Amendment XXXIII-Fast food restaurants shall no longer be permitted to serve salads.

Amendment XXXIV-The states of Kansas, Nebraska, Nevada, Oklahoma, and Western Texas must immediately plant trees or vegetation of some kind.

XXXV-In order to obtain a driver’s license an individual must be able to see over the dashboard and steering wheel. Therefore, anyone who is not at least five feet or sixty inches in height will be prohibited from operating a motor vehicle.

Of Noam Chomsky

Recently on Real Time with Bill Maher the noted intellectual and MIT professor Noam Chomsky stopped by via satellite for a little sojourn into the war in Iraq and the election results. What ensued was one of the most disturbing displays of virulent political rhetoric I’ve ever seen.

When asked about his views about the war in Iraq Chomsky contended that the United States should be brought up on charges of war crimes for invading the beleaguered mid-eastern country and ousting Sadaam Hussein. According to international law the most serious offense a country can commit is a war of aggression against another sovereign nation. A war of aggression is the unprovoked attack by one nation on another. The most glaring and notorious instance of such a war is Germany’s invasion of Eastern Europe, Russia, North Africa, and Western Europe which sparked WWII. Adolf Hitler’s Final Solution was responsible for the wholesale extermination of over twelve million Jews, gypsies, disabled, and political dissidents. Japan’s attack on China during WWII, the former Soviet Union’s war with Afghanistan, Iraq’s invasion of Kuwait in 1991, and China’s take over of Tibet are but a few other examples of wars of aggression.

Chomsky has also contented that the United States, through its support of Israel, Saudi Arabia, and Turkey, is the world’s foremost terrorist state of modern times. Chomsky has also been deeply critical of Israel’s policies towards the Palestinians.

Now I dislike our current president’s policies as much as the next guy but to equate Bush with Hitler, perhaps the most crystalline human personification of pure unadulterated evil ever born, is reckless, ignorant, and quite frankly stupid. To state that the U.S. is guilty of war crimes for invading Iraq is a dangerous and virulent concept. While the rationale for invading Iraq may have been questionable it is folly to ignore the danger that Iraq posed to the U.S. and the rest of the Middle East. Even though Iran and North Korea were and are more eminent threats to the United States because of their nuclear capability Iraq was headed by a tyrant who operated with reckless abandon. Bush’s mandated invasion of Iraq hardly equates to Hitler’s subjugation of an entire continent and his extermination of twelve million “enemies of the state”.

Chomsky should be ashamed.

Solutions to what ails our society

As we Democrats lick our wounds after Tuesday, November 2, 2004, I’ve come up with solutions to some of the most divisive issues of our time. Enjoy!

Flag burning-make the American flag out of non-flammable material. Flag burners will find all efforts to torch the Stars & Stripes utterly futile. Perhaps they should coat the flag in asbestos.

Abortion-medical science should come up with a way to genetically graft armor onto the human fetus. The unborn will be impervious to all physical damage.

Gay marriage-outlaw the institution of marriage. This antiquated ceremony is largely symbolic. Besides, who wants to watch crazy aunt Marge dance to the chicken polka?

The war in Iraq-outlaw bullets world wide. Guns aren’t nearly as effective without projectiles speeding out the barrel at a thousand feet per second.

Terrorism-let’s have a giant house party in Cabo San Lucas. It’s clear that guys like Osama bin Laden and Abu Musab al-Zarqawi haven’t gotten laid or drunk in a long time. Maybe if they hook up they’ll be more willing to just chill.

Death penalty-put all those on death row in a tiny hamlet in rural Kansas and let visiting extra terrestrials anally probe them to their alien heart’s delight. Put it on Pay-Per-View and make a fortune that would go to buying Hostess out of bankruptcy so they’ll make more Twinkies.

You see, there’s easy solutions to incredibly contentious issues if you just think hard enough.