Those we lost in '05

2005 saw some true giants in their fields pass. So here’s a melancholy farewell to some of our best & brightest.

Pope John Paul II-the most charismatic and accessible pope maybe ever led life on his own terms and devoted 60+ years to the Catholic church.

Richard Pryor-was recently voted by Comedy Central as the greatest comedian of all time. Arguably the most influential comic ever his caustic style paved the way for future greats like Robin Williams, Eddie Murphy, and a whole host of others.

Johnny Carson-as host of the Tonight Show for over two decades he became a true American icon and one of the most beloved television personalities ever.

George Mikan-the first superstar big man in basketball led the Minneapolis Lakers to five championships and is regarded as the NBA’s first great center.

Max Schmelling-gained world wide fame as a pawn of Hitler’s Nazi party when he defeated Jo Louis in 1936. Louis would eventually regain his heavyweight title in 1938 on a first round knockout. After their legendary clashes the two warriors became fast friends until Louis’ death in 1981.

Rosa Parks-her act of defiance in 1955 sparked the civil rights revolution in America. Parks, an unknown seamstress, refused to give up her seat on the front of a Montgomery, Alabama bus for a white man. With this seemingly innocuous gesture Parks became one of the most important figures of 20th century America.

William Rehnquist-chief justice of the U.S. Supreme Court from 1986 to 2005 he served as one of the arbiters of conservative constitutional interpretation for decades. His 33 years of service on the Court is one of the longest tenures in history.

Others who passed in ’05-Peter Jennings, Terri Schiavo, Eddie Albert, William Mora, Hank Stramm, General William Westmoreland, Luther Vandross, Ossie Davis, Arthur Miller, Anne Bancroft, Johnnie Cochran, Hunter S. Thompson.

This just burns my ass

If there was ever a doubt about how far this president will stretch the Constitution we now have our answer.

Jr. sits in his ivory tower wiping his ass with the very document meant to protect us from gestapo like action of our government. Bush and his entire administration should be brought up on impeachment charges.

Greatest battle scenes

As a dyed in the wool movie buff I love coming up with lists. So here's my latest contribution...the best battle scenes of all time are profiled.

Lord of the Rings Return of the King-the assault on Minis Tirith was mesmerizing in the book but the movie version takes this epic battle and feeds it a few steroids. The catapult duals were unreal. When Theoden shows up with his Rohirim and cuts through the orc army like a sickle through grass every hair on my neck stood on end. Then the Haradrim show up with their monstrous mumakil, giant and fearsome elephants, and go at it with the Rohirim while Theoden gets tossed by a Nazgul. Aragorn shows up with the army of dead and carries the day, a plot variation from the book but it worked. This encounter was utterly gripping and losses were not so much witnessed as they were felt. Dizzying special effects combine with emotional pull to make this the best battle sequence ever put to film.

Apocalypse Now-many critics and lay persons contend that the part where the Huey helicopters attack the Vietnamese village to be the greatest action sequence ever. I’d be hard pressed to disagree. The formation of helicopters flies in out of the rising sun. About a mile out Robert Duval gives the now legendary command, “Put on psy war ops, and make it loud!” Wagner’s Flight of the Valkyries blares and the village is reduced to rubble in a blurring sequence of buzzing helicopters, firing machine guns, and explosions galore. After the village is captured Duval utters yet another unforgettable line, “I love the smell of napalm in the morning…smells like victory.”

Empire Strikes Back-the ice planet of Hoth sets the stage for the coolest battle space has ever seen. The ominous sight of the Imperial AT-AT walkers punctuates the plight of the fledgling rebellion. Luke Skywalker does his Jedi bit and single-handedly brings down a walker but not before the rebel base is in ruin from the relentless onslaught of Darth Vader and his army. Great stuff!

Braveheart-Mel Gibson may not have directed the best battle scenes ever but they are probably the goriest. Multiple decapitations, dismemberments, and disembowelments abound. Then there’s Mel’s/William Wallace’s speech before the battle at Falkirk (sp?), “They may take our lives but they’ll never take our freedom!” When both sides charged then went careening into each other a pit formed in your throat and stomach as nervous tension gripped you in anticipation of non-stop blood letting.

Gladiator-the thing I liked about the opening sequence was its intensity. Ridley Scott really captures the frenetic energy that must have been ancient warfare. There’s blood spots and mud on the camera lenses, the fire catapults were deadly, and cold ruthlessness of the Roman war machine shone bright. Russell Crowe was gritty and dirty and wholly believable as a veteran general who’s just burnt out on the conquering thing.

The Matrix Revolutions-I had a hard time watching this movie because frankly it stunk. But the final battle where the sentinels attack Zion and the fight between Keanu Reeves and the deliciously evil Hugo Weaving as Mr. Smith were worth the price of admission. The numbers of squid-like machines were seemingly infinite while the humans countered with war walkers equipped with hellacious machine guns and two man rocket crews that eliminated the giant drills. Meanwhile, Neo is going toe to toe with Mr. Smith in Machine City in a realm where the laws of physics don’t apply. The special effects rival even the more celebrated Return of the King.

Kingdom of Heaven-Ridley Scott makes another appearance on this little countdown. The climactic battle lasts nearly thirty minutes and features a stirring catapult exchange, masses of tightly bunched fighters, and daring yet effective cinematography. Much like Revolutions this movie was mostly quite tedious but Ridley Scott knows how to get the blood pumping.

Saving Private Ryan-this movie grabs you by the balls and doesn’t let go. The opening D-Day scene is furiously intense and had me ducking for cover. World War II is depicted in raw and graphic realism. The film is grainy, the camera angles stark, and the mood throughout was somber. The cut sequences that show how confusing the fog of war can be were brilliant along with Tom Hanks’ gripping performance all lend to a truly gut wrenching experience.

Jason and the Argonauts-based on the ancient tale of the search for the Golden Fleece this movie has what for my money is the coolest battle outside Empire Strikes Back. When Jason and his merry band are confronted by denizens of living skeletons all hell breaks lose. The battle rages on as the skeletons pop up out of the ground. The imagery and effects are classic and timeless.

13th Warrior-yes Antonio Banderas as an Arab exiled for shagging the wrong girl is far fetched but hear me out. The set up for the last battle was great as the devout Muslim, Banderas, actually recites an ancient Norse prayer. As Ibn utters the closing line, “In the halls of Valhalla, where the brave will live forever”, the flesh eating enemy swarms down upon the Vikings and the lone Arab. The charismatic Buliwyf kills the leader of the blood-thirsty Bendo but succumbs to a previous wound. Far from the most artistic battle scene ever this one makes up ground with its heart.

Honorable mention-Gettysburg (the cannon barrages were stunning), Ben Hur, Platoon, Aliens

The wonders of modern pharmichology

Seems there's a new drug out there that makes one a skosh loopy. So in my continuing efforts to enlighten the masses I've come up with a few names for this new marvel of modern chemistry.

Cheetosaregoodafil

Rastatussin

Cannibicarbide

Marijuanafil

Marijuanacin

Maryjaneacin

Stickyminifin

Munchiesacin

Timeisallf'dupacin

Bobmarleyrulesafil

Doritocondroitin

MnMafil

Neverland comes to Dubai

So, the king of pop gets busted for using the ladies room?

Now he wants to buy property in the Middle East?

The walking freak show known as Michael Jackson just keeps on rollin'.

I give the over/under about six months before the United Arab Emirates deport or jail Jacko's pasty butt. Either that or they'll put Jackson's likeness on their currency.

The moving blues

I’m just now getting settled from moving into a new house and let me tell you these damn boxes aren’t getting unpacked until spring. I once read somewhere that on a psychological trauma scale of 1-100 moving rates about 95. When I originally read this article I scoffed at what I envisioned that those surveyed and the shrinks writing this tripe were a bunch of anal retentive weenies who were deathly afraid of change…hehehehe…not anymore. Those guys were sooo right. Here’s my list of things I’d rather do than subject myself to the horror of having to fold up the old tent flaps and relocate.

I’d rather masturbate with a cheese grater than move again.

I’d rather juggle chain saws than move again.

I’d rather see a proctologist named Dr. Hook than move again.

I’ll let Jehovah’s witnesses in before moving again.

I’d rather get circumcised with a chainsaw than move again.

A molten lead enema would be preferable to moving again.

I’d rather spend an evening with my ex-girlfriend than move again…oh how I hate her.

I’d rather surf the River Styx than move again.

I’d rather attend a mime convention than move again.

I’ll let Terrell Owens workout in my driveway before I’ll pack and move again.

I’d rather watch Gigli all day, every day for a week than move again.

I’d rather see the Back Street Boys and N’SYNC do a reunion tour than move again.

I’d rather listen to Fran Drescher and Arnold Schwarzenegger play Romeo and Juliet than move again.

Anna Nicole Smith will do linear algebra before I move again.

Drew Rosenhaus will study the canon of ethics before I move again.

I’d rather have George Bush as president for another four years than move again…wait a tick, I may have to rethink this one.

I’d rather receive an acupuncture treatment with a crossbow than move again.

I’d rather let a pregnant yak give birth on my bed than move again.

I’ll let Rosie O’Donnell sit on my face before I’ll move again.

I’d rather perform oral sex on a basset hound than move again.

I’d rather slam my head in a sliding glass door than move again.

Best video games ever

Since I first owned a computer many hours have been wasted playing video games. At times my vision blurred, my throat tightened from thirst, and day turned rapidly to night as my voracious appetite for distraction consumed anything it could get its teeth on. In short I’ve played literally hundreds of video games so I thought I’d put my two cents in on who rules the roost in the PC gaming universe.

1. Madden 2005-I’m proud to say I’ve been down with Madden since ’96. Seamless and crisp graphics plus intense game play in all modes makes Madden the crème de la crème in any platform. The best selling sports game ever crushes all comers in its genre. Since its intro Madden has been the best football sim going. The recently added owner’s mode ads yet another wrinkle where franchises can be moved to new locales and control of a team can be stripped if profits aren’t up to snuff. Madden, in short, freaking rules!

2. Unreal Tournament 2004-I ran out of adjectives trying to describe my favorite first person shooter but Unreal is as good as they come. The graphics engine is fabulous and if you try hard enough game play options are nearly limitless, especially with the mods package. The vehicles are sweet, the weapons fun (the flak cannon is my favorite), and the maps are rich and constantly changing. Many an hour was spent blowing the bejesus out of anything that twitched. Five stars, two thumbs up, A+, and whatever top rating goes to Unreal.

3. Call of Duty-I’m literally salivating waiting for COD II. Due in November Call of Duty follows American, Russian, and British soldiers, just like the original. Dubbed the most intense WWII game out there COD delivers on the hype. The Russians attack on Stalingrad had me literally ducking out of the way of German bullets. Every level is full of tense, balls-out war scenes where you play a soldier fighting the Germans, and not always successfully. Save early and often…you’ll need to.

4. Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas-Ah the joy of beating down a San Andreas hooker. The new GTA features a HUGE map, hostile enemy gang bangers, helicopters, and even a tank. Whether you’re finishing missions, gaining respect, or just shooting anything/anyone in sight Grand Theft is never boring as you’re free to tour the map at your leisure. This franchise is controversial, popular, and addictive.

5. Diablo II-Long-time king of the hill Diablo was the original 3-D role-playing and still flies off the shelves. The best-selling PC game ever immerses the player in lavish settings with the customary demonic minions waiting to devour the wayward traveler. You can fight your way through the denizens of the three brothers using a druid, necromancer, amazon, sorcerer, barbarian, or paladin. While the barbarian is easily the best fighter the paladin gets the best equipment and the sorcerer is fun at higher levels. Game-play can get a bit tedious but I’ll be slapping down my deposit for a copy of DIII, rumored to be released next spring.

6. Knights of the Old Republic-When I bought KOTR my friend Duditz said, “Welcome to crack.” Bastard was right. I skipped lunch AND dinner the first day I got it. The graphics are unbelievable and the action is nonstop. For fans of Dungeons & Dragons and Star Wars KOTR is the best of both worlds. An intricate story line gasses up the Star Wars fan in as does the quest for the elusive and mythical light saber. The second installment is great and has new features (you have to assemble your own saber) but falls short on story. This game should come with a withdrawal patch.

7. Deus Ex-This one’s for those of us who always wanted to be a spy. You play Dues, a high tech espionage machine built for mayhem. While the weaponry can be somewhat limited the story line, graphics, and fairly open-ended game play more than make up for any shortcomings. The potential for better weapons, skills, and implants drive the play and suck in all but the most hardcore.

8. Tiger Woods 2004-FOUR! Five. Six. Seven. As a rank amateur get used to scores way over par. The scenic beauty of TW along with the insanely funny color commentary help get over the frustration of hitting one in the water on the famous Island Green at the TPC or the floating green at Couer D’Alene. Eighteen courses await fledgling golfers including the two sinister Predator and Highlands venues. Once you’ve reached master level you can make any shot, drive the ball 360 yards, and putt like Tiger himself. Win tournaments, make money, jack up your skills, and flail away. TW is truly the best golf game ever.

9. Medieval: Total War-If you like civilization sims and pitched warfare you’ll love Total War. First you build your armies then you conquer your neighbors as one of a dozen different medieval cultures. An added feature that kicks booty is the ability to fight battles on a micro level…you control your different formations, groups, tactics, and ultimately the outcome. Then the Golden Horde comes as a sim of Genghis Khan’s ride through eastern Europe and anyone caught in way is immediately eviscerated. Then build back up and drive the horde back. Whoever has the most territory at the end wins.

10. The Sims I & II-I love this game! Play head of a household, get a damn job, pop out a few puppies or buy one, and buy stupid stuff. This is the ultimate role play sim and can be racy if you download the nude patch. Grrrrr. Be ready to get sucked into a fantasy life where you play God and there are no rules.

Mr. Ed?

Only in America. Well maybe Europe (those freakin' sickos)

Where's my rake?

Oh, there it is.

Sorry for the interuption.

I'mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm back!

Not in full effect yet but still recovering. My return to the blogosphere was delayed a bit by that Minnesota sex cruise......I'm STILL tired. Thanks Billy, Jamie, Elmo, Johnny, digital, and difster for your thoughts.

Me thinks they can be called Viqueens no more. Somewhere Caligula is blushing and Vox is weeping.

See ya on the flip side

Well ladies & gentlemen, yours truly, Ihatedashrub/Holy Hand Grenade is going into the hospital tomorrow morning for some surgery on my leg. I go under the knife Tuesday morning at 7:30 and will be convalescing for a few weeks. So you, my loyal readers, all three of you, wish me luck and FIGHT THE POWER. I'll return in a few weeks with more dim witted ramblings for your reading pleasure. Take care all and thanks for everything...I'll miss you.

I am soooooo there

Seems as part of its 2006 World Cup gala host nation Germany is setting up brothels for the convenience of football/soccer fans that will flock en masse to Berlin, Dortmund, and ten other sites. God love those Germans and their organizational skills.

Fantasy football primer

As the NFL season mercifully approaches thoughts turn to local allegiances, Super Bowl predictions, and of course fantasy football. So I now bring you, subject to change at my whim, pre-season awards, prognostications, and other useless stuff.

Best player-He lit up score boards last year like no quarter back ever did and this year Peyton Manning should not fall off much, if at all. He still has Marvin Harrison, Reggie Wayne, Edgerin James, and an underrated Dallas Clark at tight end. Plus Brandon Stokely gives Manning arguably the best third WR in the game. This offense is flat out scary.
Best RB-LaDanian Tomlinson has been the best back in football for three years and has a passing game that will take much of the heat off his back. In each of the last four years he’s rushed for an average of over 1400 yards, 13 TD’s, and 75 receptions out of the back field. LT should get better as his O-line improves and Drew Brees and/or Philip Rivers solidify the quarterback position, and the scary thing…he’s only 26.
Best WR/TE-Love him or hate him you can’t argue with the fact Randy Moss is the most explosive player in football. Moss can get 1500 yards and 15 TD catches a year in his sleep and can dominate a game at will.
Best QB-see above
Best K-Jason Elam has the tantalizing combination of accuracy and a booming leg. He can hit 55+ yard field goals with frightening ease and has the added benefit of a loaded offense that puts him into field goal position early and often.
Best D-It’s hard to ignore a unit that’s led defensive scoring six out of the last seven years. From a fantasy perspective the Ravens’ D is the gold standard.
Best sleeper-There are several guys out there who will be sneak up on everyone and have balls out years…Tiki Barber is the Giants’ best offensive players and very quietly one of the top five backs in football…Corey Dillon pumps out 1400 yard seasons with frightening regularity and the Patriots will ride his legs until he drops…Clinton Portis is the most physically gifted back in football and if Joe Gibbs ever learns how to use him he’ll be an elite runner again…if Michael Vick can learn how to recognize defenses and can get bona fide receivers to throw to the kid will be terrorizing defenses and giving coordinators nightmares...with Chad Johnson to throw to Carson Palmer has the complimentary talent to break out for 3400 yards and 25 TD’s…it’s hard to believe that a guy who can get 1200 yards receiving and ten TD’s whenever he wants is a sleeper but that’s what Joe Horn is, he quietly has strung together five straight seasons of 80+ catches…with Chad Pennington now throwing him the ball look for Laveranues Coles to put up big numbers.
Most overrated-Santana Moss was supposed to be a top five receiver last year but limped to 838 yards and five touchdowns…Javon Walker ended his hold out but Brett Favre was pissed about the contract demands and Walker plays the most dependent position in sports…Aaron Brooks has the physical talent to be a top flight QB but he’s way too erratic to be relied on as anything but a fantasy back up…Deuce McCallister will get you 160 yards and three scores one week and will disappear for the next month…Jamal Lewis will never come within 500 yards of his 2003 season total of 2,066 yards.
Late round gems-Look for Arizona’s J.J. Arrington to get 1100 yards and ten TD’s…if Ricky Williams returns to his bruising former self he could be a late round steal, especially if he gets traded to Jacksonville or someone else in need…if he’s available past round 8 snatch up Drew Brees, you won’t be sorry…Troy Williamson goes into the season as the Vikings’ No.3 receiver but look for him to push for a starting spot by September…Lee Evans closed last season with a flourish and was arguably the hottest receiver in the league the last five weeks of ’04.
Players to avoid-never, ever, ever start Matt Hasselbeck, has great receivers but this offense will break your heart…the Vikings have a running back by committee approach so avoid purple RB’s…Jerome Bettis will get 25 yards and a TD, big deal…Ashley Lelie has big play potential but he is oft times invisible.
Never bench ‘em-All he does is rack up 150 yards total offense and score at least one touchdown every week so anyone who benches Edgerin James is clinically insane…Jimmy Smith has been one of the most consistent wide outs in the NFL for ten years and is Byron Leftwich’s favorite target…Marvin Harrison is the best receiver on the best offense the game has ever seen…Brett Favre gets 250+ passing yards and two TD throws like clockwork…Trent Green and Tony Gonzalez are the lynch pins of a powerful offense that’s capable of breaking the bulbs on the score board.
Rookies to watch-Cedric Benson, Carnel Williams, Ronnie Brown, J.J. Arrington, Mike Williams, Mark Clayton, Braylon Edwards, Troy Williamson, Roddy White, Reggie Brown.

This is just evil

You've all heard about the little league coach who allegedly paid one of his players to hit a disabled kid and injure him so the kid couldn't screw up again.

If this is true no amount of praying, begging, or repenting will change the fact this guy's going straight to hell on a bobsled.

Is Lance Armstrong the best athlete ever?

Skip Bayless says no.

Roy S. Johnson says maybe.

John Vontz waxes poetic about Lance's legacy.

Armen Keteyian said Armstrong's the best athlete he's ever seen.

Let the debate begin.

What price security?

Reported on this months ago but now Congress finally gets the memo.

George Orwell looks more like a prophet every day.

Brain floss on a Thursday

If I ever meet the person responsible for inventing spyware/adware there will be no measure for how miserable I’ll make them…be afraid, be very afraid.

So, now the Broncos have Cleveland’s defensive line? I’m under-Fing-whelmed.

I’ve discovered the secret to driving in any downtown area of a major metropolitan city…don’t signal. It’s a sign of weakness.

Thank you God for bringing about the end of the labor impasse in the NHL, I don’t think I could’ve taken another spring of just basketball and baseball.

Would someone please tell me what the big deal is about Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas? So you shoot up the town and get laid…big deal.

Rush Limbaugh is such a Bush sycophant. When has he ever been critical of anything Jr. has done? Limbaugh genuflects to Jr’s visage so much his pants are baggy.

I actually saw some guy walking down the street in a bright ass pink Izod polo shirt with the collar turned up, with pastel plaid shorts, and topsiders. Did I miss the memo? Are the 80’s back? If I EVER get caught sporting a look like this tool I give anybody reading this full permission to shoot me in the forehead.

When all is said & done Halley Berry will go down with Cleopatra, Helen of Troy, Nefertiti, and Marilyn Monroe as one of the most gorgeous women in history.

Worst love song-anything by George Michael…he was singing to guys. *shudder*

Best love song-With or Without You by U2. Bono has said that he’ll keep making music until he records the perfect song. New flash Bono, you’ve already succeeded.

Please tell me Jr. didn’t do this.

I miss Cheers. For my money Cheers was the best sit-com ever.

If I eat much more Mexican food I’m going to sprout a burro out of my ass, grow a cheesy mustache, and play mariachi music in el barrio.

Channel 9 here in Denver just did a story discussing the merits of push-up bras. God love ‘em.

Tommy Lee & Pam Anderson are getting back together...my universe makes sense once more.

Must go y’all.

Great sports moments; or, why I watch sports

Best things/moments in sports; or the times when it’s great to be a sports fan in no certain order...

1. Game 7 of a Stanley Cup playoff series (nothing matches the intensity of the NHL playoffs)
2. Game 7 of the World Series
3. 2:00 left, ball on your own twenty, John Elway under center
4. 1:30 left, ball on your 30, Joe Montana under center
5. Michael Jordan pouring in 63 against Boston in the playoffs
6. Ray Bourque hoisting the Stanley Cup
7. Tiger winning the Masters by twelve strokes
8. Muhammad Ali lighting the Olympic flame
9. Secretariat obliterating the field at Belmont...he won by 35 lengths
10. Lance Armstrong with the yellow jersey (God damn French)
11. The Miracle on Ice
12. Jim Valvano running around like a chicken with its head off after NC State upset Phi Slamma Jamma (rest in peace Jimmy)
13. Villanova upsetting Georgetown
14. Jim McMahon getting knocked the F out against Green Bay
15. First Bronco home game
16. Watching Anna "What a" Kournikova bounce seductively in a white mini skirt
17. A hot dog at Yankee Stadium
18. A micro brew at Coors Field...followed by three hours of shitty baseball
19. Meeting Peter Forseberg who's the nicest guy, BTW
20. No annoying chicks with annoying questions
21. Mike Tyson getting his face beat in by some journeyman
22. John Rocker getting crushed in the minors
23. Randy Moss running a deep pattern
24. Marvin Harrison catching a TD
25. Jerry Rice working harder than everyone
26. Michael Jordan switching hands in mid air and making the lay-up
27. John Stephen Akhwari finishing the marathon in the ’68 Olympics. When asked why he didn’t just quit after falling and dislocating his knee Akhwari responded, “My country did not send me 7000 miles away to start the race. They sent me 7000 miles to finish it.”
28. Jack Nicklas winning the ’86 Masters
29. Sugar Ray Leonard humbling Roberto Duran in the “No Mas” fight
30. Muhammed Ali standing over George Foreman after knocking him to the canvas
31. Listening to the silky smooth Vin Scully broadcast a baseball game
32. Hearing the crowd groan after Steve Atwater knocked Christian Okoye into next week
33. Watching Barry Sanders dart around like a scared rabbit
34. Al Michaels’ call as the clock wound down on the Miracle on Ice…”Do you believe in miracles? Yes!”
35. John Madden diagramming a play and going “Boom!”
36. Chris Berman doing his schtick on ESPN
37. Charlie Steiner losing it and laughing for five minutes straight on Sportscenter
38. Ricky Waters crying at the national anthem the first game after 9-11
39. Lawrence Taylor hunting down quarterbacks
40. Cal Ripken and 2131
41. Lou Gehrig giving his speech at Yankee Stadium
42. Willie Mays making the over-the-shoulder basket catch in deep center field


*Update* 7/19-05
There were some glaring omissions in my list...
43. Tom Brady's humility. He gave up an opportunity to demand $10 million per year for the betterment of the Patriots. That's a man.
44. Red Sox beating the hated Yankees and sweeping the Cards to shake off 86 years of Ruth's curse.
45. That 75 yard hail Mary from Kordell Stewart to Michael Westbrook that broke the hearts of 103,000 at Michigan Stadium.
46. John Elway getting pin-wheeled on 3rd & 6 that gave the Broncos the adrenaline boost needed to beat Green Bay
47. Doug Flutie’s last second heave that beat Miami
48. Turner Gill and his incomplete pass that got batted down by Miami to give the ‘Canes the national title in 83
49. Watching CU take the field behind a real buffalo
50. Bobby Thompson’s “Shot heard around the world”
51. The US making it to the final eight in the 2002 World Cup
52. Watching Pele
53. Jesse Owens taking Hitler’s “Aryan superiority” myth and blowing it out of the water
54. In the ’32 Berlin Olympics Hitler demanded every country dip their flag as they passed by the Fuhrer…the only country that refused was the United States of America
55. Jackie Robinson breaking down the color barrier in baseball
56. Ronnie Lott cutting a path of destruction through opposing receivers
57. Jim Everett jumping across the table to shove Jim Rome…he so had it coming
58. Shannon Sharpe taunting the late Derek Thomas so bad that Thomas eventually lost it and got ejected
59. Nobody could talk smack like Muhammad Ali
60. DU winning back-to-back NCAA titles in hockey…I went to law school at DU

Nil Indigne

At long last the definitive sports awards show you’ve all been waiting for. The ESPYS are but mere table scraps compared to the sublime awards show known simply as Wolf’s Nipple Chips. And now our host, Thine Holy Hand Grenade *queue thunderous applause*

Oops, I broke it again…over the years far too many athletes have had potentially brilliant careers marred by injuries. Sadly, some of the unfortunates are also some of the most decent human beings in sports. So, in order to honor the shining stars that bore crutches instead of records here’s the best of the gimps. Terrell Davis, Grant Hill, Ken Griffey Jr.
The Golden Wheel Chair goes to…Jr. was on pace to break Hank Aaron’s 745 home run mark but injuries started derailing Griffey in ’99 and he hasn’t been the same player since. Once the unquestioned best player in baseball, Junior played with an abandon that ultimately led to a fractured wrist, bad knees, and shoulder problems.

Dammmmnnnnnn…I was innocently watching Monday Night Football in 1985 when I saw Joe Theisman’s leg snap like a dry twig. It was one of the most horrific injuries in sports history. But it’s not the worst. The nominees are…Clint Malarchuk, Hasim Rahman, Gerald Wilhite.
The Bloody Crutch goes to…with all due respect to Theisman; Clint Malarchuk had a skate open his jugular vein in a hockey game in ’89. Blood jetted out onto the ice and several players actually threw up. Yes Wilhite’s leg spun 270 degrees and Rahman had a lump on his head that looked like a pulsating alien cocoon but Malarchuk nearly bled to death in front of 17,000 people.

Bet you can’t eat just one…Evander Holyfield still has the chunk missing from his ear courtesy of Mike Tyson. Who can forget Holyfield recoiling as Tyson chomped down on the cartilage, tearing a not-so-small piece out of the ear, and spitting it out onto the canvas? I guess we should feel lucky Tyson didn’t chew and swallow. This category is Tyson’s alone and as such he receives the Pile o’ Raw Meat awarded to such luminaries as Alfred Packer, Jeffrey Dahmer, and the Donner party.

My head won’t fit through the door…there are egos and then there are egos. Professional sports athletes naturally have to possess a lot of confidence but some go beyond the pale. This is a salute to the egomaniac in all of us. The nominees are…Terrell Owens, Barry Bonds, Kobe Bryant.
The Globe of World Dominance goes to…Barry Bonds has always fancied himself the next Willie Mays and Kobe did single-handedly orchestrate the departure of Shaq and Phil Jackson but Terrell Owens had the balls to call out his own quarterback after he was on the receiving end of nine catches for 132 yards in the Super Bowl. Now Owens is demanding a pay increase even though he stands to make over $7 million next season and is one of the highest paid receivers in football. When a man who plays the most dependant position in sports disses the man responsible for getting him the ball (as he did with Jeff Garcia & Donavan McNabb) you almost have to stand in admiration of the hubris necessary to bite the hand that feeds.

Delusions of adequacy…how many times have we seen over-hyped athletes burn out or not live up to the lofty heights predicted by others and themselves. So, to honor those who are woefully overrated we present the nominees…Derek Coleman, Keyshawn Johnson, Ryan Leaf.
The Fickle Finger of Fate goes to…Charles Barkley once said that Coleman was the most physically gifted basketball player he’d ever seen. The only thing that stood between Coleman and legendary status was that abscess that resides atop his neck.

Where’s the love?…some athletes fly under the radar yet have brilliant careers. Here’s to the underrated and forgotten…Curtis Martin, Steve McNair, Joe Sakic.
The Golden Thumbs Up, Way Up goes to…he’s compiled ten straight seasons of 1000+ yards and sits at forth all-time on the NFL rushing list. Only Emmett Smith, Barry Sanders, and Walter Payton have more career rushing yards than Curtis Martin. He is the ultimate warrior who’s been the most consistent back in football for ten years. All hale Curtis Martin and remember him for such unassuming athletes are rare indeed.

I’m Velvet Jones…athletes have been notorious for their off-the-field exploits and have hooked up more often than Warren Beatty and Benjamin Franklin combined. Only rock stars can match the carousing of professional athletes. The nominees for the biggest slut puppies are…Wilt Chamberlain, Magic Johnson, and Mike Tyson.
The Red Light goes to…Mike Tyson and Wilt are narrowly edged out by the Magic man. According to his team mates Magic got more ass than a driver’s seat in a rental car and nobody really believes Wilt shagged 10,000 women in his lifetime. Sadly Magic, as a result of his nefarious ways, contracted HIV and retired far too soon. The best ambassador the NBA ever had will always be remembered for his style on the court and his deeds of it as well. A melancholy salute to Magic…may he always have that electric smile.

Nonsense, it’s just a flesh wound…I dislocated a finger, broke two toes, and had torn rib cartilage playing rugby in high school. One night I got up to pee and kicked the corner of my dresser with the afore mentioned broken toes. Stars filled my head and I just sat there and whimpered for fifteen minutes cradling my throbbing foot with both hands and rocking back and forth. At that moment I developed deep respect for those that can suck it up and play through pain. The nominees for the most oblivious to pain are…Steve McNair, Ronnie Lott, Emmett Smith.
The Black Knight Statuette goes to…all you gotta know about the winner of this award is that when faced between the choice of having season ending surgery or having his pinky amputated Ronnie Lott chose to live life with nine fingers rather than miss playing time.

Push me shove you, oh yeah says who…sometimes a bench clearing brawl can be cathartic. We now honor the best sports brawl of all time…Pistons-Pacers ’04, Avalanche-Red Wings ’98 & ’99, Rangers-Bruins ’79.
The game was lopsided and things started getting chippy. As the clock wound down Rangers’ fans showered the ice with debris and started assaulting Boston’s Stan Jonathan. After that Jonathan’s teammates charged into the stands pummeling the Ranger faithful. The melee went on for nearly fifteen minutes and four fans were sent to jail. This little disagreement earns the Silver Spittoon.

Mind if we dance with your dates…there are just some men you shouldn’t trifle with. Since this award is so coveted we’ve expanded the field. The nominees are…Dick Butkus, Ty Domi, Lawrence Taylor, Ronnie Lott, Greg Lloyd, Steve Atwater, Ray Nitschke, Lyle Alzado.
Since this man is so bad he doesn’t get a trophy because he’d probably eat it. Lawrence Taylor was maybe the most feared athlete ever. In an interview John Elway said the only player he was genuinely afraid of was LT. More so than any defender ever offenses had to know where Taylor was at all times. His intensity bordered on maniacal and he’s the only player ever to need rabies shots at half time.

Butter fingers…sometimes watching a supposedly gifted athlete try to control the ball is like watching an epileptic eat Jell-O with chop sticks. In other words it’s just painful. The nominees for worst hands are…Mark Eaton, Danny Shayes, Garo Yepremian.
The Stone Hands Award goes to…as a life long Nuggets fan Danny Shayes was the bane of my existence throughout the 80’s. He shot lay-ups like he was throwing a shot put. His free throws were decent but the man’s hands were seemingly made out of granite.

Idiot sans savant…player interviews are generally the only opportunity for the athlete to put a face to the game. While most present themselves quite well others should NEVER open their big dumb mouths. The top dumbasses are…Mike Tyson, John Rocker, Freddie Mitchell.
The Village Idiot is, make your way to the podium, if you can find it…not only did Mitchell talk smack about the Patriots before the Super Bowl he then proceeded to diss Jacksonville, his own quarterback, Terrell Owens, and the Patriots (AGAIN) after having one catch for thirteen yards. His career stats-5 years, 90 catches, 1263 yards, 5 TD’s. News flash Freddie, Terrell gets those kinds of numbers in one season…in his sleep.

How did that happen?...while Lisa “Left Eye” Lopes was by no means ugly her temper wins this award for Worst Sports Wife hands down. Lopes burned down Andre Rison’s house in a fit of rage. Tragically the enigmatic Lopes died in a 2002 car wreck in Honduras. Rest in peace Left Eye.

Must be the money…with all that testosterone flowing through their veins you’d expect professional athletes to hook up with uber hotties. But some butt ass ugly guys have drop dead gorgeous better halves. Here’s the pick of the litter of fine women with freakin sasquatch-looking mates…Bridgette Wilson (Pete Sampras), Elsa Benitez (Ronnie Seikaly), Carmen Electra (Denis Rodman’s ex).
This is a flat-footed tie. All three nominees will receive the coveted Bronze Yeti for their devotion to the ugly man in their lives.

You need the Heimlich…we’ve all seen the mind numbing collapse of many an athlete. So here are the nominees who’ve gagged when the pressure is on…Greg Norman, New York Yankees, Jean Van De Velde.
The Fist to the Sternum goes to…this is a team award. The Yankees were up 3-0 in the ALCS. They had just won Game 3 by a score of 19-8. The Sox were all but finished. Then the unthinkable happened. Boston won Game 4 to prolong the inevitable. Then they won Game 5 and the series stood 3-2. You could see the look on the Yankees’ faces as David Ortiz ended the 14 inning marathon that was Game 5. Then the Yankees dropped Game 6 as Boston’s Curt Schilling bled and dazzled. At this point the Yankees looked as if they were in the midst of an out-of-body experience. Game 7 saw the Red Sox exorcise 86 years worth of demons. This was a choke job for the ages. You have to go back to biblical days when Goliath gagged against David to find a collapse this epic in proportion.

Oh shit!...ever been caught with your hand in the cookie jar? It happens to the best of us so it stands to reason even athletes have the occasional lapse in judgment. The nominees for biggest brain fart are…Carmelo Anthony, Eugene Robinson, Ray Lewis.
The Golden Queef goes to…not only did he get busted soliciting a prostitute he did it the night before the Super Bowl. To compound matters he was playing the very team he called “not that good” in the previous Super Bowl. By the way, Eugene Robinson was on the losing side two years in a row. Oops.

Bring us a shrubbery…there’s really only one worthy candidate in this award. Just for future reference all you sports officials, if you’re going to strike at least come to the table with one bargaining chip. I laughed my ass off when the umpires from MLB and the refs from the NBA actually went on strike. They bellied up to the table with no chips, a pair of twos, and egg on their collective faces then they proceeded to demand better pay & working conditions. All the observers issued a collective “Huh?” This is truly the most ridiculous demand in sports history.

Hatfield vs. McCoy…face it, we all love a good blood bath and nothing produces the unmitigated carnage of a heated rivalry. The nominees for best rivalry are…Alabama-Auburn, Michigan-Ohio State, Army-Navy.
The Bloody Band-Aid goes to…college football has spawned arguably the five best rivalries in sports and the annual grudge matches that are Miami-Florida State and Texas-Oklahoma aren’t even nominated. For sheer hatred and animosity Alabama-Auburn is the nastiest rivalry ever. Only the acrimony between France & Germany can compare. Fights between the respective schools’ pep squads are common and both teams have an insane loathing of one another.
Honorable mention to the Pakistan-India cricket matches. Both countries literally shut down when this series is played. The political tension just ads fuel to the fire of the ugliest international rivalry in the world.

Two men enter, one man leaves…when there is ill will on a personal level it just ads spice to the mix. Here are the nominees for best personal rivalry…Ali-Frazier, Borg-McEnroe, Kobe-Shaq.
The Golden Middle Finger goes to…these two men genuinely despise each other and have since the Diesel went to LA. Kobe has leveled vicious smears towards Shaq and Shaq has responded in kind. The fact they won three NBA titles is a testament to their talent, not their team work.

The show’s running over so good night.

From Beijing to DC

This could get ugly. From the Washington Post...

SHANGHAI, July 4 -- The Chinese government on Monday sharply criticized the United States for threatening to erect barriers aimed at preventing the attempted takeover of the American oil company Unocal Corp. by one of China's three largest energy firms, CNOOC Ltd.

Four days after the House of Representatives overwhelmingly approved a resolution urging the Bush administration to block the proposed transaction as a threat to national security, China's Foreign Ministry excoriated Congress for injecting politics into what it characterized as a standard business matter.

"We demand that the U.S. Congress correct its mistaken ways of
politicizing economic and trade issues and stop interfering in the normal commercial exchanges between enterprises of the two countries," the Foreign Ministry said in a written statement. "CNOOC's bid to take over the U.S. Unocal company is a normal commercial activity between enterprises and should not fall
victim to political interference. The development of economic and trade cooperation between China and the United States conforms to the interests of both sides."

Those words, the latest rhetorical volley in an escalating trade
battle, officially elevated the takeover battle for Unocal into a bilateral
issue involving Washington and Beijing, raising the stakes of the outcome.

CNOOC's bid comes as China's emerging force in the global economy
continues to sow international tensions over competition for natural resources, impacts on the environment, trade balances and security relationships. The deal would be the latest in a string of Chinese purchases of foreign companies as Beijing encourages domestic firms to seek new markets abroad and secure raw materials for China's aggressive industrialization. The Chinese government has
urged energy companies in particular to buy foreign oil fields as China's consumption soars, deepening worries about the country's access to supplies.

Already, CNOOC's bid has taken China across a new threshold: It has
unleashed the first takeover battle between a Chinese company and a U.S. firm, the oil giant Chevron Corp., which has its own deal to buy Unocal, for $16.5 billion. If completed, CNOOC's purchase -- its bid is for $18.5 billion -- would be the largest foreign takeover ever made by a Chinese firm.

But as the price of oil continues to soar, underscoring the finite
supply of global stocks, some members of Congress portray China's appetite for energy as a threat to U.S. interests. They are painting CNOOC's effort to buy Unocal as an attempt to siphon off oil that would otherwise land in the United States, a proposition that analysts call dubious because most of Unocal's outstanding contracts supply customers in Asia...

There's no way in Hell the United States government can let this deal go through. That said I'll be extremely interested to see if the stockholders of UNOCAL put patriotism and national security over the $2 BILLION net gain from the bid made by CNOOC. With oil at $60 a barrel and predictions that gas may climb to $3 a gallon by summer's end we need to be fiercely protective of our own oil reserves. I fully anticipate a nice proxy bloodbath over this one.

China has proven to be a formidable economic adversary but it's their militaristic and dogmatic approach to foreign affairs that frightens the bejesus outta me. They'd just as soon shoot first as negotiate. And if they attempt to seize Taiwan the shit's really gonna hit the fan. Between China and N. Korea this country has its work cut out for it in SE Asia. According to the CIA fact book China has over 13 MILLION males reach military age anually and their total manpower availability (males 18-45) is over 340 MILLION. We need to arm Japan and S. Korea to the freakin' teeth.