Best video games ever

Since I first owned a computer many hours have been wasted playing video games. At times my vision blurred, my throat tightened from thirst, and day turned rapidly to night as my voracious appetite for distraction consumed anything it could get its teeth on. In short I’ve played literally hundreds of video games so I thought I’d put my two cents in on who rules the roost in the PC gaming universe.

1. Madden 2005-I’m proud to say I’ve been down with Madden since ’96. Seamless and crisp graphics plus intense game play in all modes makes Madden the crème de la crème in any platform. The best selling sports game ever crushes all comers in its genre. Since its intro Madden has been the best football sim going. The recently added owner’s mode ads yet another wrinkle where franchises can be moved to new locales and control of a team can be stripped if profits aren’t up to snuff. Madden, in short, freaking rules!

2. Unreal Tournament 2004-I ran out of adjectives trying to describe my favorite first person shooter but Unreal is as good as they come. The graphics engine is fabulous and if you try hard enough game play options are nearly limitless, especially with the mods package. The vehicles are sweet, the weapons fun (the flak cannon is my favorite), and the maps are rich and constantly changing. Many an hour was spent blowing the bejesus out of anything that twitched. Five stars, two thumbs up, A+, and whatever top rating goes to Unreal.

3. Call of Duty-I’m literally salivating waiting for COD II. Due in November Call of Duty follows American, Russian, and British soldiers, just like the original. Dubbed the most intense WWII game out there COD delivers on the hype. The Russians attack on Stalingrad had me literally ducking out of the way of German bullets. Every level is full of tense, balls-out war scenes where you play a soldier fighting the Germans, and not always successfully. Save early and often…you’ll need to.

4. Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas-Ah the joy of beating down a San Andreas hooker. The new GTA features a HUGE map, hostile enemy gang bangers, helicopters, and even a tank. Whether you’re finishing missions, gaining respect, or just shooting anything/anyone in sight Grand Theft is never boring as you’re free to tour the map at your leisure. This franchise is controversial, popular, and addictive.

5. Diablo II-Long-time king of the hill Diablo was the original 3-D role-playing and still flies off the shelves. The best-selling PC game ever immerses the player in lavish settings with the customary demonic minions waiting to devour the wayward traveler. You can fight your way through the denizens of the three brothers using a druid, necromancer, amazon, sorcerer, barbarian, or paladin. While the barbarian is easily the best fighter the paladin gets the best equipment and the sorcerer is fun at higher levels. Game-play can get a bit tedious but I’ll be slapping down my deposit for a copy of DIII, rumored to be released next spring.

6. Knights of the Old Republic-When I bought KOTR my friend Duditz said, “Welcome to crack.” Bastard was right. I skipped lunch AND dinner the first day I got it. The graphics are unbelievable and the action is nonstop. For fans of Dungeons & Dragons and Star Wars KOTR is the best of both worlds. An intricate story line gasses up the Star Wars fan in as does the quest for the elusive and mythical light saber. The second installment is great and has new features (you have to assemble your own saber) but falls short on story. This game should come with a withdrawal patch.

7. Deus Ex-This one’s for those of us who always wanted to be a spy. You play Dues, a high tech espionage machine built for mayhem. While the weaponry can be somewhat limited the story line, graphics, and fairly open-ended game play more than make up for any shortcomings. The potential for better weapons, skills, and implants drive the play and suck in all but the most hardcore.

8. Tiger Woods 2004-FOUR! Five. Six. Seven. As a rank amateur get used to scores way over par. The scenic beauty of TW along with the insanely funny color commentary help get over the frustration of hitting one in the water on the famous Island Green at the TPC or the floating green at Couer D’Alene. Eighteen courses await fledgling golfers including the two sinister Predator and Highlands venues. Once you’ve reached master level you can make any shot, drive the ball 360 yards, and putt like Tiger himself. Win tournaments, make money, jack up your skills, and flail away. TW is truly the best golf game ever.

9. Medieval: Total War-If you like civilization sims and pitched warfare you’ll love Total War. First you build your armies then you conquer your neighbors as one of a dozen different medieval cultures. An added feature that kicks booty is the ability to fight battles on a micro level…you control your different formations, groups, tactics, and ultimately the outcome. Then the Golden Horde comes as a sim of Genghis Khan’s ride through eastern Europe and anyone caught in way is immediately eviscerated. Then build back up and drive the horde back. Whoever has the most territory at the end wins.

10. The Sims I & II-I love this game! Play head of a household, get a damn job, pop out a few puppies or buy one, and buy stupid stuff. This is the ultimate role play sim and can be racy if you download the nude patch. Grrrrr. Be ready to get sucked into a fantasy life where you play God and there are no rules.

Mr. Ed?

Only in America. Well maybe Europe (those freakin' sickos)

Where's my rake?

Oh, there it is.

Sorry for the interuption.

I'mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm back!

Not in full effect yet but still recovering. My return to the blogosphere was delayed a bit by that Minnesota sex cruise......I'm STILL tired. Thanks Billy, Jamie, Elmo, Johnny, digital, and difster for your thoughts.

Me thinks they can be called Viqueens no more. Somewhere Caligula is blushing and Vox is weeping.

See ya on the flip side

Well ladies & gentlemen, yours truly, Ihatedashrub/Holy Hand Grenade is going into the hospital tomorrow morning for some surgery on my leg. I go under the knife Tuesday morning at 7:30 and will be convalescing for a few weeks. So you, my loyal readers, all three of you, wish me luck and FIGHT THE POWER. I'll return in a few weeks with more dim witted ramblings for your reading pleasure. Take care all and thanks for everything...I'll miss you.

I am soooooo there

Seems as part of its 2006 World Cup gala host nation Germany is setting up brothels for the convenience of football/soccer fans that will flock en masse to Berlin, Dortmund, and ten other sites. God love those Germans and their organizational skills.

Fantasy football primer

As the NFL season mercifully approaches thoughts turn to local allegiances, Super Bowl predictions, and of course fantasy football. So I now bring you, subject to change at my whim, pre-season awards, prognostications, and other useless stuff.

Best player-He lit up score boards last year like no quarter back ever did and this year Peyton Manning should not fall off much, if at all. He still has Marvin Harrison, Reggie Wayne, Edgerin James, and an underrated Dallas Clark at tight end. Plus Brandon Stokely gives Manning arguably the best third WR in the game. This offense is flat out scary.
Best RB-LaDanian Tomlinson has been the best back in football for three years and has a passing game that will take much of the heat off his back. In each of the last four years he’s rushed for an average of over 1400 yards, 13 TD’s, and 75 receptions out of the back field. LT should get better as his O-line improves and Drew Brees and/or Philip Rivers solidify the quarterback position, and the scary thing…he’s only 26.
Best WR/TE-Love him or hate him you can’t argue with the fact Randy Moss is the most explosive player in football. Moss can get 1500 yards and 15 TD catches a year in his sleep and can dominate a game at will.
Best QB-see above
Best K-Jason Elam has the tantalizing combination of accuracy and a booming leg. He can hit 55+ yard field goals with frightening ease and has the added benefit of a loaded offense that puts him into field goal position early and often.
Best D-It’s hard to ignore a unit that’s led defensive scoring six out of the last seven years. From a fantasy perspective the Ravens’ D is the gold standard.
Best sleeper-There are several guys out there who will be sneak up on everyone and have balls out years…Tiki Barber is the Giants’ best offensive players and very quietly one of the top five backs in football…Corey Dillon pumps out 1400 yard seasons with frightening regularity and the Patriots will ride his legs until he drops…Clinton Portis is the most physically gifted back in football and if Joe Gibbs ever learns how to use him he’ll be an elite runner again…if Michael Vick can learn how to recognize defenses and can get bona fide receivers to throw to the kid will be terrorizing defenses and giving coordinators nightmares...with Chad Johnson to throw to Carson Palmer has the complimentary talent to break out for 3400 yards and 25 TD’s…it’s hard to believe that a guy who can get 1200 yards receiving and ten TD’s whenever he wants is a sleeper but that’s what Joe Horn is, he quietly has strung together five straight seasons of 80+ catches…with Chad Pennington now throwing him the ball look for Laveranues Coles to put up big numbers.
Most overrated-Santana Moss was supposed to be a top five receiver last year but limped to 838 yards and five touchdowns…Javon Walker ended his hold out but Brett Favre was pissed about the contract demands and Walker plays the most dependent position in sports…Aaron Brooks has the physical talent to be a top flight QB but he’s way too erratic to be relied on as anything but a fantasy back up…Deuce McCallister will get you 160 yards and three scores one week and will disappear for the next month…Jamal Lewis will never come within 500 yards of his 2003 season total of 2,066 yards.
Late round gems-Look for Arizona’s J.J. Arrington to get 1100 yards and ten TD’s…if Ricky Williams returns to his bruising former self he could be a late round steal, especially if he gets traded to Jacksonville or someone else in need…if he’s available past round 8 snatch up Drew Brees, you won’t be sorry…Troy Williamson goes into the season as the Vikings’ No.3 receiver but look for him to push for a starting spot by September…Lee Evans closed last season with a flourish and was arguably the hottest receiver in the league the last five weeks of ’04.
Players to avoid-never, ever, ever start Matt Hasselbeck, has great receivers but this offense will break your heart…the Vikings have a running back by committee approach so avoid purple RB’s…Jerome Bettis will get 25 yards and a TD, big deal…Ashley Lelie has big play potential but he is oft times invisible.
Never bench ‘em-All he does is rack up 150 yards total offense and score at least one touchdown every week so anyone who benches Edgerin James is clinically insane…Jimmy Smith has been one of the most consistent wide outs in the NFL for ten years and is Byron Leftwich’s favorite target…Marvin Harrison is the best receiver on the best offense the game has ever seen…Brett Favre gets 250+ passing yards and two TD throws like clockwork…Trent Green and Tony Gonzalez are the lynch pins of a powerful offense that’s capable of breaking the bulbs on the score board.
Rookies to watch-Cedric Benson, Carnel Williams, Ronnie Brown, J.J. Arrington, Mike Williams, Mark Clayton, Braylon Edwards, Troy Williamson, Roddy White, Reggie Brown.

This is just evil

You've all heard about the little league coach who allegedly paid one of his players to hit a disabled kid and injure him so the kid couldn't screw up again.

If this is true no amount of praying, begging, or repenting will change the fact this guy's going straight to hell on a bobsled.

Is Lance Armstrong the best athlete ever?

Skip Bayless says no.

Roy S. Johnson says maybe.

John Vontz waxes poetic about Lance's legacy.

Armen Keteyian said Armstrong's the best athlete he's ever seen.

Let the debate begin.

What price security?

Reported on this months ago but now Congress finally gets the memo.

George Orwell looks more like a prophet every day.

Brain floss on a Thursday

If I ever meet the person responsible for inventing spyware/adware there will be no measure for how miserable I’ll make them…be afraid, be very afraid.

So, now the Broncos have Cleveland’s defensive line? I’m under-Fing-whelmed.

I’ve discovered the secret to driving in any downtown area of a major metropolitan city…don’t signal. It’s a sign of weakness.

Thank you God for bringing about the end of the labor impasse in the NHL, I don’t think I could’ve taken another spring of just basketball and baseball.

Would someone please tell me what the big deal is about Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas? So you shoot up the town and get laid…big deal.

Rush Limbaugh is such a Bush sycophant. When has he ever been critical of anything Jr. has done? Limbaugh genuflects to Jr’s visage so much his pants are baggy.

I actually saw some guy walking down the street in a bright ass pink Izod polo shirt with the collar turned up, with pastel plaid shorts, and topsiders. Did I miss the memo? Are the 80’s back? If I EVER get caught sporting a look like this tool I give anybody reading this full permission to shoot me in the forehead.

When all is said & done Halley Berry will go down with Cleopatra, Helen of Troy, Nefertiti, and Marilyn Monroe as one of the most gorgeous women in history.

Worst love song-anything by George Michael…he was singing to guys. *shudder*

Best love song-With or Without You by U2. Bono has said that he’ll keep making music until he records the perfect song. New flash Bono, you’ve already succeeded.

Please tell me Jr. didn’t do this.

I miss Cheers. For my money Cheers was the best sit-com ever.

If I eat much more Mexican food I’m going to sprout a burro out of my ass, grow a cheesy mustache, and play mariachi music in el barrio.

Channel 9 here in Denver just did a story discussing the merits of push-up bras. God love ‘em.

Tommy Lee & Pam Anderson are getting back together...my universe makes sense once more.

Must go y’all.

Great sports moments; or, why I watch sports

Best things/moments in sports; or the times when it’s great to be a sports fan in no certain order...

1. Game 7 of a Stanley Cup playoff series (nothing matches the intensity of the NHL playoffs)
2. Game 7 of the World Series
3. 2:00 left, ball on your own twenty, John Elway under center
4. 1:30 left, ball on your 30, Joe Montana under center
5. Michael Jordan pouring in 63 against Boston in the playoffs
6. Ray Bourque hoisting the Stanley Cup
7. Tiger winning the Masters by twelve strokes
8. Muhammad Ali lighting the Olympic flame
9. Secretariat obliterating the field at Belmont...he won by 35 lengths
10. Lance Armstrong with the yellow jersey (God damn French)
11. The Miracle on Ice
12. Jim Valvano running around like a chicken with its head off after NC State upset Phi Slamma Jamma (rest in peace Jimmy)
13. Villanova upsetting Georgetown
14. Jim McMahon getting knocked the F out against Green Bay
15. First Bronco home game
16. Watching Anna "What a" Kournikova bounce seductively in a white mini skirt
17. A hot dog at Yankee Stadium
18. A micro brew at Coors Field...followed by three hours of shitty baseball
19. Meeting Peter Forseberg who's the nicest guy, BTW
20. No annoying chicks with annoying questions
21. Mike Tyson getting his face beat in by some journeyman
22. John Rocker getting crushed in the minors
23. Randy Moss running a deep pattern
24. Marvin Harrison catching a TD
25. Jerry Rice working harder than everyone
26. Michael Jordan switching hands in mid air and making the lay-up
27. John Stephen Akhwari finishing the marathon in the ’68 Olympics. When asked why he didn’t just quit after falling and dislocating his knee Akhwari responded, “My country did not send me 7000 miles away to start the race. They sent me 7000 miles to finish it.”
28. Jack Nicklas winning the ’86 Masters
29. Sugar Ray Leonard humbling Roberto Duran in the “No Mas” fight
30. Muhammed Ali standing over George Foreman after knocking him to the canvas
31. Listening to the silky smooth Vin Scully broadcast a baseball game
32. Hearing the crowd groan after Steve Atwater knocked Christian Okoye into next week
33. Watching Barry Sanders dart around like a scared rabbit
34. Al Michaels’ call as the clock wound down on the Miracle on Ice…”Do you believe in miracles? Yes!”
35. John Madden diagramming a play and going “Boom!”
36. Chris Berman doing his schtick on ESPN
37. Charlie Steiner losing it and laughing for five minutes straight on Sportscenter
38. Ricky Waters crying at the national anthem the first game after 9-11
39. Lawrence Taylor hunting down quarterbacks
40. Cal Ripken and 2131
41. Lou Gehrig giving his speech at Yankee Stadium
42. Willie Mays making the over-the-shoulder basket catch in deep center field


*Update* 7/19-05
There were some glaring omissions in my list...
43. Tom Brady's humility. He gave up an opportunity to demand $10 million per year for the betterment of the Patriots. That's a man.
44. Red Sox beating the hated Yankees and sweeping the Cards to shake off 86 years of Ruth's curse.
45. That 75 yard hail Mary from Kordell Stewart to Michael Westbrook that broke the hearts of 103,000 at Michigan Stadium.
46. John Elway getting pin-wheeled on 3rd & 6 that gave the Broncos the adrenaline boost needed to beat Green Bay
47. Doug Flutie’s last second heave that beat Miami
48. Turner Gill and his incomplete pass that got batted down by Miami to give the ‘Canes the national title in 83
49. Watching CU take the field behind a real buffalo
50. Bobby Thompson’s “Shot heard around the world”
51. The US making it to the final eight in the 2002 World Cup
52. Watching Pele
53. Jesse Owens taking Hitler’s “Aryan superiority” myth and blowing it out of the water
54. In the ’32 Berlin Olympics Hitler demanded every country dip their flag as they passed by the Fuhrer…the only country that refused was the United States of America
55. Jackie Robinson breaking down the color barrier in baseball
56. Ronnie Lott cutting a path of destruction through opposing receivers
57. Jim Everett jumping across the table to shove Jim Rome…he so had it coming
58. Shannon Sharpe taunting the late Derek Thomas so bad that Thomas eventually lost it and got ejected
59. Nobody could talk smack like Muhammad Ali
60. DU winning back-to-back NCAA titles in hockey…I went to law school at DU

Nil Indigne

At long last the definitive sports awards show you’ve all been waiting for. The ESPYS are but mere table scraps compared to the sublime awards show known simply as Wolf’s Nipple Chips. And now our host, Thine Holy Hand Grenade *queue thunderous applause*

Oops, I broke it again…over the years far too many athletes have had potentially brilliant careers marred by injuries. Sadly, some of the unfortunates are also some of the most decent human beings in sports. So, in order to honor the shining stars that bore crutches instead of records here’s the best of the gimps. Terrell Davis, Grant Hill, Ken Griffey Jr.
The Golden Wheel Chair goes to…Jr. was on pace to break Hank Aaron’s 745 home run mark but injuries started derailing Griffey in ’99 and he hasn’t been the same player since. Once the unquestioned best player in baseball, Junior played with an abandon that ultimately led to a fractured wrist, bad knees, and shoulder problems.

Dammmmnnnnnn…I was innocently watching Monday Night Football in 1985 when I saw Joe Theisman’s leg snap like a dry twig. It was one of the most horrific injuries in sports history. But it’s not the worst. The nominees are…Clint Malarchuk, Hasim Rahman, Gerald Wilhite.
The Bloody Crutch goes to…with all due respect to Theisman; Clint Malarchuk had a skate open his jugular vein in a hockey game in ’89. Blood jetted out onto the ice and several players actually threw up. Yes Wilhite’s leg spun 270 degrees and Rahman had a lump on his head that looked like a pulsating alien cocoon but Malarchuk nearly bled to death in front of 17,000 people.

Bet you can’t eat just one…Evander Holyfield still has the chunk missing from his ear courtesy of Mike Tyson. Who can forget Holyfield recoiling as Tyson chomped down on the cartilage, tearing a not-so-small piece out of the ear, and spitting it out onto the canvas? I guess we should feel lucky Tyson didn’t chew and swallow. This category is Tyson’s alone and as such he receives the Pile o’ Raw Meat awarded to such luminaries as Alfred Packer, Jeffrey Dahmer, and the Donner party.

My head won’t fit through the door…there are egos and then there are egos. Professional sports athletes naturally have to possess a lot of confidence but some go beyond the pale. This is a salute to the egomaniac in all of us. The nominees are…Terrell Owens, Barry Bonds, Kobe Bryant.
The Globe of World Dominance goes to…Barry Bonds has always fancied himself the next Willie Mays and Kobe did single-handedly orchestrate the departure of Shaq and Phil Jackson but Terrell Owens had the balls to call out his own quarterback after he was on the receiving end of nine catches for 132 yards in the Super Bowl. Now Owens is demanding a pay increase even though he stands to make over $7 million next season and is one of the highest paid receivers in football. When a man who plays the most dependant position in sports disses the man responsible for getting him the ball (as he did with Jeff Garcia & Donavan McNabb) you almost have to stand in admiration of the hubris necessary to bite the hand that feeds.

Delusions of adequacy…how many times have we seen over-hyped athletes burn out or not live up to the lofty heights predicted by others and themselves. So, to honor those who are woefully overrated we present the nominees…Derek Coleman, Keyshawn Johnson, Ryan Leaf.
The Fickle Finger of Fate goes to…Charles Barkley once said that Coleman was the most physically gifted basketball player he’d ever seen. The only thing that stood between Coleman and legendary status was that abscess that resides atop his neck.

Where’s the love?…some athletes fly under the radar yet have brilliant careers. Here’s to the underrated and forgotten…Curtis Martin, Steve McNair, Joe Sakic.
The Golden Thumbs Up, Way Up goes to…he’s compiled ten straight seasons of 1000+ yards and sits at forth all-time on the NFL rushing list. Only Emmett Smith, Barry Sanders, and Walter Payton have more career rushing yards than Curtis Martin. He is the ultimate warrior who’s been the most consistent back in football for ten years. All hale Curtis Martin and remember him for such unassuming athletes are rare indeed.

I’m Velvet Jones…athletes have been notorious for their off-the-field exploits and have hooked up more often than Warren Beatty and Benjamin Franklin combined. Only rock stars can match the carousing of professional athletes. The nominees for the biggest slut puppies are…Wilt Chamberlain, Magic Johnson, and Mike Tyson.
The Red Light goes to…Mike Tyson and Wilt are narrowly edged out by the Magic man. According to his team mates Magic got more ass than a driver’s seat in a rental car and nobody really believes Wilt shagged 10,000 women in his lifetime. Sadly Magic, as a result of his nefarious ways, contracted HIV and retired far too soon. The best ambassador the NBA ever had will always be remembered for his style on the court and his deeds of it as well. A melancholy salute to Magic…may he always have that electric smile.

Nonsense, it’s just a flesh wound…I dislocated a finger, broke two toes, and had torn rib cartilage playing rugby in high school. One night I got up to pee and kicked the corner of my dresser with the afore mentioned broken toes. Stars filled my head and I just sat there and whimpered for fifteen minutes cradling my throbbing foot with both hands and rocking back and forth. At that moment I developed deep respect for those that can suck it up and play through pain. The nominees for the most oblivious to pain are…Steve McNair, Ronnie Lott, Emmett Smith.
The Black Knight Statuette goes to…all you gotta know about the winner of this award is that when faced between the choice of having season ending surgery or having his pinky amputated Ronnie Lott chose to live life with nine fingers rather than miss playing time.

Push me shove you, oh yeah says who…sometimes a bench clearing brawl can be cathartic. We now honor the best sports brawl of all time…Pistons-Pacers ’04, Avalanche-Red Wings ’98 & ’99, Rangers-Bruins ’79.
The game was lopsided and things started getting chippy. As the clock wound down Rangers’ fans showered the ice with debris and started assaulting Boston’s Stan Jonathan. After that Jonathan’s teammates charged into the stands pummeling the Ranger faithful. The melee went on for nearly fifteen minutes and four fans were sent to jail. This little disagreement earns the Silver Spittoon.

Mind if we dance with your dates…there are just some men you shouldn’t trifle with. Since this award is so coveted we’ve expanded the field. The nominees are…Dick Butkus, Ty Domi, Lawrence Taylor, Ronnie Lott, Greg Lloyd, Steve Atwater, Ray Nitschke, Lyle Alzado.
Since this man is so bad he doesn’t get a trophy because he’d probably eat it. Lawrence Taylor was maybe the most feared athlete ever. In an interview John Elway said the only player he was genuinely afraid of was LT. More so than any defender ever offenses had to know where Taylor was at all times. His intensity bordered on maniacal and he’s the only player ever to need rabies shots at half time.

Butter fingers…sometimes watching a supposedly gifted athlete try to control the ball is like watching an epileptic eat Jell-O with chop sticks. In other words it’s just painful. The nominees for worst hands are…Mark Eaton, Danny Shayes, Garo Yepremian.
The Stone Hands Award goes to…as a life long Nuggets fan Danny Shayes was the bane of my existence throughout the 80’s. He shot lay-ups like he was throwing a shot put. His free throws were decent but the man’s hands were seemingly made out of granite.

Idiot sans savant…player interviews are generally the only opportunity for the athlete to put a face to the game. While most present themselves quite well others should NEVER open their big dumb mouths. The top dumbasses are…Mike Tyson, John Rocker, Freddie Mitchell.
The Village Idiot is, make your way to the podium, if you can find it…not only did Mitchell talk smack about the Patriots before the Super Bowl he then proceeded to diss Jacksonville, his own quarterback, Terrell Owens, and the Patriots (AGAIN) after having one catch for thirteen yards. His career stats-5 years, 90 catches, 1263 yards, 5 TD’s. News flash Freddie, Terrell gets those kinds of numbers in one season…in his sleep.

How did that happen?...while Lisa “Left Eye” Lopes was by no means ugly her temper wins this award for Worst Sports Wife hands down. Lopes burned down Andre Rison’s house in a fit of rage. Tragically the enigmatic Lopes died in a 2002 car wreck in Honduras. Rest in peace Left Eye.

Must be the money…with all that testosterone flowing through their veins you’d expect professional athletes to hook up with uber hotties. But some butt ass ugly guys have drop dead gorgeous better halves. Here’s the pick of the litter of fine women with freakin sasquatch-looking mates…Bridgette Wilson (Pete Sampras), Elsa Benitez (Ronnie Seikaly), Carmen Electra (Denis Rodman’s ex).
This is a flat-footed tie. All three nominees will receive the coveted Bronze Yeti for their devotion to the ugly man in their lives.

You need the Heimlich…we’ve all seen the mind numbing collapse of many an athlete. So here are the nominees who’ve gagged when the pressure is on…Greg Norman, New York Yankees, Jean Van De Velde.
The Fist to the Sternum goes to…this is a team award. The Yankees were up 3-0 in the ALCS. They had just won Game 3 by a score of 19-8. The Sox were all but finished. Then the unthinkable happened. Boston won Game 4 to prolong the inevitable. Then they won Game 5 and the series stood 3-2. You could see the look on the Yankees’ faces as David Ortiz ended the 14 inning marathon that was Game 5. Then the Yankees dropped Game 6 as Boston’s Curt Schilling bled and dazzled. At this point the Yankees looked as if they were in the midst of an out-of-body experience. Game 7 saw the Red Sox exorcise 86 years worth of demons. This was a choke job for the ages. You have to go back to biblical days when Goliath gagged against David to find a collapse this epic in proportion.

Oh shit!...ever been caught with your hand in the cookie jar? It happens to the best of us so it stands to reason even athletes have the occasional lapse in judgment. The nominees for biggest brain fart are…Carmelo Anthony, Eugene Robinson, Ray Lewis.
The Golden Queef goes to…not only did he get busted soliciting a prostitute he did it the night before the Super Bowl. To compound matters he was playing the very team he called “not that good” in the previous Super Bowl. By the way, Eugene Robinson was on the losing side two years in a row. Oops.

Bring us a shrubbery…there’s really only one worthy candidate in this award. Just for future reference all you sports officials, if you’re going to strike at least come to the table with one bargaining chip. I laughed my ass off when the umpires from MLB and the refs from the NBA actually went on strike. They bellied up to the table with no chips, a pair of twos, and egg on their collective faces then they proceeded to demand better pay & working conditions. All the observers issued a collective “Huh?” This is truly the most ridiculous demand in sports history.

Hatfield vs. McCoy…face it, we all love a good blood bath and nothing produces the unmitigated carnage of a heated rivalry. The nominees for best rivalry are…Alabama-Auburn, Michigan-Ohio State, Army-Navy.
The Bloody Band-Aid goes to…college football has spawned arguably the five best rivalries in sports and the annual grudge matches that are Miami-Florida State and Texas-Oklahoma aren’t even nominated. For sheer hatred and animosity Alabama-Auburn is the nastiest rivalry ever. Only the acrimony between France & Germany can compare. Fights between the respective schools’ pep squads are common and both teams have an insane loathing of one another.
Honorable mention to the Pakistan-India cricket matches. Both countries literally shut down when this series is played. The political tension just ads fuel to the fire of the ugliest international rivalry in the world.

Two men enter, one man leaves…when there is ill will on a personal level it just ads spice to the mix. Here are the nominees for best personal rivalry…Ali-Frazier, Borg-McEnroe, Kobe-Shaq.
The Golden Middle Finger goes to…these two men genuinely despise each other and have since the Diesel went to LA. Kobe has leveled vicious smears towards Shaq and Shaq has responded in kind. The fact they won three NBA titles is a testament to their talent, not their team work.

The show’s running over so good night.

From Beijing to DC

This could get ugly. From the Washington Post...

SHANGHAI, July 4 -- The Chinese government on Monday sharply criticized the United States for threatening to erect barriers aimed at preventing the attempted takeover of the American oil company Unocal Corp. by one of China's three largest energy firms, CNOOC Ltd.

Four days after the House of Representatives overwhelmingly approved a resolution urging the Bush administration to block the proposed transaction as a threat to national security, China's Foreign Ministry excoriated Congress for injecting politics into what it characterized as a standard business matter.

"We demand that the U.S. Congress correct its mistaken ways of
politicizing economic and trade issues and stop interfering in the normal commercial exchanges between enterprises of the two countries," the Foreign Ministry said in a written statement. "CNOOC's bid to take over the U.S. Unocal company is a normal commercial activity between enterprises and should not fall
victim to political interference. The development of economic and trade cooperation between China and the United States conforms to the interests of both sides."

Those words, the latest rhetorical volley in an escalating trade
battle, officially elevated the takeover battle for Unocal into a bilateral
issue involving Washington and Beijing, raising the stakes of the outcome.

CNOOC's bid comes as China's emerging force in the global economy
continues to sow international tensions over competition for natural resources, impacts on the environment, trade balances and security relationships. The deal would be the latest in a string of Chinese purchases of foreign companies as Beijing encourages domestic firms to seek new markets abroad and secure raw materials for China's aggressive industrialization. The Chinese government has
urged energy companies in particular to buy foreign oil fields as China's consumption soars, deepening worries about the country's access to supplies.

Already, CNOOC's bid has taken China across a new threshold: It has
unleashed the first takeover battle between a Chinese company and a U.S. firm, the oil giant Chevron Corp., which has its own deal to buy Unocal, for $16.5 billion. If completed, CNOOC's purchase -- its bid is for $18.5 billion -- would be the largest foreign takeover ever made by a Chinese firm.

But as the price of oil continues to soar, underscoring the finite
supply of global stocks, some members of Congress portray China's appetite for energy as a threat to U.S. interests. They are painting CNOOC's effort to buy Unocal as an attempt to siphon off oil that would otherwise land in the United States, a proposition that analysts call dubious because most of Unocal's outstanding contracts supply customers in Asia...

There's no way in Hell the United States government can let this deal go through. That said I'll be extremely interested to see if the stockholders of UNOCAL put patriotism and national security over the $2 BILLION net gain from the bid made by CNOOC. With oil at $60 a barrel and predictions that gas may climb to $3 a gallon by summer's end we need to be fiercely protective of our own oil reserves. I fully anticipate a nice proxy bloodbath over this one.

China has proven to be a formidable economic adversary but it's their militaristic and dogmatic approach to foreign affairs that frightens the bejesus outta me. They'd just as soon shoot first as negotiate. And if they attempt to seize Taiwan the shit's really gonna hit the fan. Between China and N. Korea this country has its work cut out for it in SE Asia. According to the CIA fact book China has over 13 MILLION males reach military age anually and their total manpower availability (males 18-45) is over 340 MILLION. We need to arm Japan and S. Korea to the freakin' teeth.

Of Richard Durbin and Treason

About a week ago Illinois Senator Dick Durbin uttered his now infamous Pol Pot/Nazi comparison to conditions at GITMO. While these remarks were inflammatory and hopelessly misguided they didn’t, contrary to what some right-wing bloggers and conservative pundit Hal Linsey claim, amount to treason. Those on the right would have Durbin’s head for allegedly giving aid and comfort to our terrorist enemies. So Linsey et al would equate Durbin with the Rosenberg twosome, Alger Hiss, Benedict Arnold, and John Walker Lind. How nice.

From a Constitutional point of view one could make the argument that Durbin had qualified immunity to say whatever the hell he wanted because his comments were part of a Senate floor debate. Under Article 1 Section 6 Congressmen, “Shall in all Cases, except Treason, Felony and Breach of the Peace, be privileged from Arrest during their Attendance at the Session of their respective Houses, and in going to and returning from the same; and for any Speech or Debate in either House, they shall not be questioned in any other Place.” If Durbin indeed made his statements outside the protective confines of the Senate Chamber then he might face a different set of problems then incurring the ire of the right.

Since Durbin’s liability hinges on whether his comments were truly treasonous let’s look at the definition of treason. In merry old England the concept of treason was amorphous and carried with it dire consequences. Two types of treason were delineated in the United Kingdom; petty treason and high treason. Petty treason was murdering one’s superior. High treason consisted of: 1) When a man doth compass or imagine the death of our lord the king, of our lady his queen, or of their eldest son and heir; 2) If a man do rape the king's companion, or the king's eldest daughter unmarried, or the wife of the king's eldest son and heir; 3) If a man do levy war against our lord the king in his realm; 4) If a man be adherent to the king's enemies in his realm, giving to them aid and comfort in the realm, or elsewhere. Those found guilty were often hanged, drawn, and quartered. Women found guilty of treason were often burned alive at the stake.

Since the British application of the term treason was arbitrary at best and the punishment was a protracted and cruel execution the Founding Fathers of these United States sought to more clearly and succinctly define treason. As defined in Article 3 of the Constitution treason is waging war against the U.S. or giving aid and comfort to the enemy. The case law on what constitutes treason is fairly settled. In the history of the U.S. fewer than forty prosecutions for treason have taken place yielding a handful of convictions. Even Julius and Ethel Rosenberg were only found guilty of espionage and they sold nuclear secrets to the Soviets. None of the couple dozen or so convicted were found guilty for the utterance of mere words. Aaron Burr was not found guilty of treason even though he allegedly conspired with Spain and England shortly after the American Revolution. John Brown took part in murders just before the outbreak of the Civil War. Brown’s abolitionist acts defied the will of slave owners in the south and he paid for his deeds with his life. During WWII twelve people were punished for treason. Tokyo Rose and Axis Sally were both found guilty of treason for their broadcasts of propaganda designed specifically, by their own admittance, to demoralize our troops.

No one here is defending Durbin or his comments. He was foolish and should beg forgiveness for the stupid analogy of comparing GITMO to some of the most murderous regimes this planet has ever seen. He should be admonished for in effect decrying the military as point men in Bush’s delusional escapade. He should be vilified for comparing our valiant soldiers to those that murdered 12,000,000 Europeans in concentration camps, those that executed 1.5 million dissidents in the Killing Fields of Cambodia, and those who aided Stalin in his megalomaniacal purge of 20 million of his own people in the Gulags of Siberia.

That said I find the groundswell of opinion that Durbin is guilty of treason to be equally as troubling. Apparently some conservatives wish to greatly expand the real definition of giving aid and comfort to the enemy. They would have treason and treasonous activity include criticism and derision of the government. They would wipe their collective butts with the Constitution in order to wreak vengeance on those who would besmirch the reputations of the President, his administration, and/or the military. Before the conservatives fundamentally alter the Constitution they should evaluate the true ramifications of their actions.

We would no more hand out speeding tickets at the Indianapolis 500 than we would hold people criminally liable for dissent. What is truly frightening about this are the implications. Under the right’s definition of treason nearly any public statement defaming the current president or the military would be considered treasonous activity and thus one could be held on par with Judas Iscariot, Cassius, Brutus, and Ephialtes, some of history’s most notorious traitors. Durbin is a dipshit but Judas he is not.

Shocker...Who'd have thunk it

This from the Associated Press:

WASHINGTON (AP) -- A federal agency collected extensive personal
information about airline passengers although Congress told it not to and it said it wouldn't, according to documents obtained Monday by The Associated Press.

A Transportation Security Administration contractor used three data brokers to collect detailed information about U.S. citizens who flew on commercial airlines in June 2004 in order to test a terrorist screening program called Secure Flight, according to documents that will be published in the Federal Register this week.

The TSA had ordered the airlines to turn over data on those passengers, called passenger name records, in November.

The contractor, EagleForce Associates, then combined the passenger name records with commercial data from three contractors that included first, last and middle names, home address and phone number, birthdate, name suffix, second surname, spouse first name, gender, second address, third address, ZIP code and latitude and longitude of address.

EagleForce then produced CD-ROMS containing the information "and provided those CD-ROMS to TSA for use in watch list match testing," the documents said.

According to previous official notices, TSA had said it would not store
commercial data about airline passengers.

The Privacy Act of 1974 prohibits the government from keeping a secret database...

TSA spokesman Mark Hatfield said the program was being developed
with a commitment to privacy, and that it was routine to change the official definition of a system of records during a test phase.

Ladies & gentlemen, your government dollar at work. Never let it be said that the axiom of "Give 'em an inch and they'll take a mile" doesn't ring true. Yet another fine example of restraint accompanied by a sureptitious wink as the man shakes your hand and reaches around behind you to take liberties with your poop shoot.

The frightening thing is that the American public will hardly notice this story.

And the winners are...

Since I already profiled the worst organizations in sports it’s only right I comment on the best. These franchises have set the bar that all other teams must reach. All have solid ownership, hire great people, they win, and they are amongst the most celebrated and imitated organizations in sports. Without further adieu…

1. New England Patriots-All you have to know is the Pats have three Vince Lombardi Trophies in four years. Only one other NFL team, the Dallas Cowboys, has ever won three Super Bowls in four years. Team owner Robert Kraft was widely criticized when he hired Bill Bellichick but no one is laughing now. Bellichick is now regarded as the best coach in football and maybe one of the best ever. But that’s another argument for another day. When Kraft took over the Patriots in 1994 the team was last in the league in attendance and revenue…they’ve sold out 114 straight games since. Within three years Kraft & Co. turned around a floundering franchise and had it playing in the Super Bowl in ’96. Over the last five years the Pats have been the best team in football and one of the most profitable. In 2002 Gillette Stadium opened. What’s unique about this is the stadium is the largest privately financed venue in sports. Kraft has created the most sound business model in the NFL.

2. New York Yankees-Love ‘em or hate ‘em no one can argue that the Yankees are the most recognizable team in American sports. No other franchise can lay claim to the historical significance that is the New York Yankees. The most visible team in America’s largest city the Yankees own more professional championships than anyone in North America. Enigmatic owner George Steinbrenner has built a team that has won with almost frightening consistency. World Series champs in ’96, ’98, ’99, and 2000 the Yankees have 26 crowns. When you figure the team started in 1903 that’s a title every four years. Some of the most famous personalities in sports have played for the Yankees: Babe Ruth, Mickey Mantle, Joe DiMaggio, and Lou Gehrig are but a few. As a long time baseball hater it pains me to say this but Yankee Stadium is a cathedral. No other venue in sports, save Notre Dame Stadium, has the lore and spine tingling aura of the “House that Ruth Built”. If you’re a baseball fan do yourself a favor and attend a game in the hallowed confines of Yankee Stadium and visit Monument Park, buy a Coney Island hot dog, soak in the experience, and bottle it.

3. Las Angeles Lakers-When then owner Jack Kent Cooke sold his sports empire to real estate mogul Jerry Buss the stars aligned foretelling the future of the most successful North American sports franchise of the last 25 years. Since 1980 the Lakers have won eight NBA championships with only two losing seasons and a gaudy .650+ winning percentage. They own the league records for wins by a franchise and are second in championships. Former General Manager Jerry West built one of the most enduring sports dynasties in America. Magic Johnson, James Worthy, Shaq, and Kobe Bryant were all brought in by West and cemented the mythos of the most financially valuable team in basketball. West not only made brilliant player personal moves he also hired arguably the two best NBA coaches ever. Together Pat Riley and Phil Jackson combined to coach the Lakers to seven NBA titles and twelve finals appearances. The blood feud between Kobe and Shaq has tainted the image of the Lakers but not their legacy.

4. San Antonio Spurs-The forgotten team from central Texas has racked up two NBA titles since ’99 and is well on their way to a third. Not bad for a team in one of the smallest markets on the continent. Originally an ABA franchise the Spurs were a consistently average to good team until Gregg Popovich was hired. In his eight years as head coach Popovich has led the Spurs to the playoffs every year but one. Dell Harris had the Spurs on the edge of greatness but Popovich pushed them over…with a little help from Tim Duncan and David Robinson. Since 1990 the Spurs have had one losing season, and that netted them the lottery pick that would be Duncan.

5. Manchester United-Now some will scoff at the notion of Man U on this list but if you look closely you just might learn a thing or two. According to Forbes Magazine Manchester is the most valuable sports franchise on Earth. With an estimated worth of $1.2 billion Manchester is at least $200 million more valuable than the richest team in North America, the Washington Redskins But overall worth does not paint the whole picture. Since ’93 Man U has won eight English Premier League titles. They’ve also won the UEFA Cup twice in their history. Even though the current ownership situation is in flux Manchester remains the most admired professional sports team in the world. Truly a marketing phenomenon this team’s jerseys and merchandise are coveted in nearly every country with an even timid soccer following. Manchester United is a nearly perfect marriage of marketing, team success, and financial health.

6. Denver Broncos-Pat Bowlen was recently named by ESPN as the best owner in sports. You can’t argue with his results. Bowlen purchased the team in ’85 and immediately put his brand on the Broncos. Five AFC Championships and two Super Bowl titles later the Broncos are still one of the most consistently good/great franchises in sports. In ’95 Mike Shanahan was hired as head coach and has been at or near the top in his profession ever since. John Elway went to three Super Bowls under Dan Reeves but never really had a legit chance to win until Shanahan arrived. Elway had his best statistical and most successful years with Shanny including back-to-back Super Bowls in ’97 & ’98. This team has sold out every home game since 1971 and boasts maybe the most passionate fans in all of sports. In Denver football is a religion and the deities are clad in blue and orange.

7. Detroit Red Wings-If you’re a hockey fan it is impossible to argue with the fact that the Wings have been the best team in the NHL for over a decade. Winners of the Stanley Cup in ’97, ’98, and ’02 the Red Wings have been dominant since the early 90’s. Coach Scotty Bowman directed the team to five division titles before his retirement in ‘02. All tolled since ’90 the Wings have won eight division crowns, four President’s Trophies (awarded for best record), and three Stanley Cups. The list of Red Wings alumni is staggering: Gordie Howe, Terry Sawchuk, Marcel Dione, Steve Yzerman, Sergei Federov, Chris Chelios, Domanik Hasek, and Niklas Lidstrom. As a Colorado Avalanche fan I’ve grown to hate the Dead Wings but I will not deny their achievements. What a segue…

8. Colorado Avalanche-The former Quebec Nordiques came to Denver in ’95 and the love affair began immediately. The key to their success has been Pierre Lacroix. The master of the trade deadline acquisition and free agency Lacroix has brought in superstars Patrick Roy, Ray Bourque, Rob Blake, Paul Kariya, and Teemu Salanne to join team stalwarts Joe Sakic, Peter Forsberg, and Adam Foote. The Avs hold the record for most consecutive division titles in the history of North American sports. Add to that two President’s Trophies and two Stanley Cups and you’ve got one of the most successful sports teams of the last decade. Owner Stan Kroenke bought the Avs, Denver Nuggets, and the Pepsi Center in 2000 and has directed his investments in virtual silence but with a deft touch. Known affectionately as “Silent Stanley”, Kroenke has been one of the most unobtrusive owners in sports, the direct antithesis of Steinbrenner, Jerry Jones, and Al Davis. He’s brought in good people and let them do as they wish. More so than any executive in sports Kroenke knows that he’s not part of the game.

9. Philadelphia Eagles-They’ve played in the NFC Championship four years in a row and just narrowly lost to New England in Super Bowl XXXIX. The Eagles have been a perennial playoff contender for nearly fifteen years and have finished first or second in the NFC East ten times since 1988. They also have some of the most boisterous fans around. Since Jeffrey Lurie bought the team in ’95 the Eagles have been in the playoffs eight times and have over 100 wins. Only the Green Bay Packers have more post season appearances in that time and only four other teams have as many wins.

10. Green Bay Packers-Speaking of the Packers no NFL franchise is as beloved by its fans as the Pack. The only publicly owned team in the four major sports the Packers play in the smallest media market of any other team yet they sell out every game in sun, rain, sleet, hail, snow, ice, etc. Without a doubt the Pack some of the most loyal fans in the world. With nine playoff appearances in ten years, a Super Bowl title, and a stadium that sells out like clockwork the Packers are a model of competitive and financial success. There are season ticket holders in every state and four foreign countries. The estimated wait for season tickets is 30 years. Packers’ fans aren’t going anywhere and if football is a religion in Denver in Wisconsin it’s a birth right.

Honorable mention-Dallas Mavericks, Pittsburgh Steelers, Boston Red Sox, Indianapolis Colts, Detroit Pistons, Miami Heat, Atlanta Falcons

A Public Service

The now infamous Downing Street Memo is getting little to no attention from the media or the American people. This baffles me that they would seemingly give Bush a pass on this. It is vital the details of this memo are ironed out and/or thoroughly investigated. If the memo is a fraud then I'll recant my derision of Jr. and his cronies. If the memo is true this administration is guilty of fraud and corruption that would make Clinton blush.

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/article/0,,2087-1593607_2,00.html

NBA All-Time Draft

We are freaks, sports freaks. Whenever myself & BJ get together the conversation surrounds sports, sports figures, sports controversies, and all things sports. All who have the misfortune of eavesdropping on our little sojourns down sports lane marvel at our fanaticism. We did what we always do, convene yet another all-time draft, this time for basketball. BJ won the coin toss…again. He picked first and he’s got the odd numbered players. Here’s the results…

1. MICHAEL JORDAN
2. SHAQ O’NEIL
3. MAGIC JOHNSON
4. HAKEEM OLAJUWON
5. WILT CHAMBERLAIN
6. JOHN STOCKTON
7. KARL MALONE
8. LARRY BIRD
9. ALEX ENGLISH
10. KOBE BRYANT
11. KAREEM ABDUL-JABAR
12. TIM DUNCAN
13. ISIAH THOMAS
14. OSCAR ROBERTSON
15. CLYDE DREXLER
16. JAMES WORTHY
17. KEVIN MCHALE
18. CHARLES BARKLEY
19. KEVIN GARNET
20. REGGIE MILLER
21. LABRON JAMES
22. BILL RUSSELL
23. JOE DUMARS
24. SCOTTIE PIPPEN

BJ

Michael Jordan
Magic Johnson
Wilt Chamberlain
Karl Malone
Alex English
Kareem Abdul-Jabar
Isiah Thomas
Clyde Drexler
Kevin McHale
Kevin Garnet
LaBron James
Joe Dumars

Holy Hand Grenade

Shaq
Hakeem Olajuwon
John Stockton
Larry Bird
Kobe Bryant
Tim Duncan
Oscar Robertson
James Worthy
Charles Barkley
Reggie Miller
Bill Russell
Scottie Pippen

They stink on ice

I’m a sports nut. I make no apologies and will remain a fanatic until the day I die. So in my continuing quest to disseminate vast amounts of sports knowledge I bring to you the definitive list of the ten worst franchises in American sports. The losers are…

10. Detroit Lions-These guys have been so bad for so long it almost defies comprehension. Matt Millen has made some decent moves, drafting Roy Williams and Charles Rogers, but the organization as a whole has been mired in mediocrity since the day I was born. But with young players like Teddy Lehman, Boss Baily, and Kevin Jones they potentially have a bright future. The hiring of Steve Mariuci was a good move but the presence of Wayne Fontes in the coaching carousel that is the Lions taints Mooch’s tenure. Fonts had arguably the best running back in the history of football, Barry Sanders, and put him behind a bad offensive line in a run-and-shoot offense. Other luminaries like Bobby Ross, Darryl Rogers, Monte Clark, and Marty Mornhinwig have prowled the sidelines for what was once one of the most storied teams in the NFL. They’ve won one playoff game in forty years.

9. Atlanta Hawks-Attending a home game for this team is like going to a fourth grade band recital. The crowd there is so quiet you can hear the popcorn popping in the concourses. They average fewer than 12,000 per home game and rarely sell out even playoff games. Atlanta has one of the most apathetic fan bases in sports. Even when they had Dominik Wilkins and were competing for playoff spots their fans were still non-supportive to say the least. Far from the most historically inept franchises ever their absentee fans alone are reason enough for inclusion on this list. That and they’ve difiled the NBA hardwood with bad basketball for the better part of the last ten years. Maybe the number two pick in this year’s draft will change their fortune. But then that begs the question…would anyone in Atlanta even care.

8. Chicago Black Hawks/White Sox-For the sake of the economy of commentary the two worst teams in Chicago tie for eighth place on our little count down. A plague on both your houses! The Black Hawks now own the dubious honor of having the longest Stanly Cup drought in the NHL. Team owner Bill Wirtz has been roundly criticized by ‘Hawks fans, the media, and NHL observers for his penny-pinching ways. Jeremy Roenick, Ed Belfour, and Chris Chelios are just a few of the gifted players that have been traded or jumped ship. The Black Hawks' situation is so bad that their flagship radio station recently dropped their contract. On the other side of town is the equally feeble White Sox. Yes, for those of you who don’t live in the Windy City there are indeed two baseball teams in Chicago. Not that you’d know it from all the press coverage they get. Owner Jerry Reinsdorf refuses to pay for talent, their minor league system is one of the worst in baseball, they rarely sell out their home games, and they haven’t won a World Series since 1917. Other than that they’re just fine. *Snicker*

7. Milwaukee Brewers-But for the presence of Bud Selig and now his daughter the Brew Crew would actually be a less-than-wretched franchise. When the league flirted with contraction a couple years ago Tampa Bay, Montreal, Minnesota, and Kansas City were all rumored to be headed for the hatchet. Lost in all this was the fact that the Brewers have been every bit as unsuccessful as any of the teams mentioned but escaped contraction talk for one reason only…Bud Selig. Imagine the size of the egg on Bud’s face if his own team had been scrapped. I’m smiling just thinking about it.

6. New York Rangers-How much money has this team spent on big name busts? Answer: a bundle. The Rangers have been in the top three in NHL payroll for ten years but haven’t made the playoffs since ’96. Players like Eric Lindros, Pavel Bure, Bobby Holik, and Darius Kasperitis have been relied on to turn around this floundering squad but they’ve only succeeded in underachieving and crippling the payroll. General Manager Glen Sather has alienated nearly everyone in hockey and let the best leader the sport has ever seen, Mark Messier, go to Vancouver. What’s the most reliable sign a player’s career is going to hit the skids? They’ll play for the Rangers.

5. Los Angeles Clippers-The only reason this team isn’t number one with a bullet is that they’ve actually shown a flicker of life the last few years. The perpetual anchor dragging down this team is and always will be owner Donald Sterling. The pariah of the NBA, Sterling has admitted he’s not as much about winning as he is about profit. This team refuses to resign young talent, Elgin Baylor is possibly the worst GM in sports, their drafts have been awful, they have no fan base, and they rarely sell out even in the second largest city in America. The Clippers have been so bad for so long it is down right scary.

4. Cincinnati Bengals-The laughable Bungles more closely resemble a pack of constipated wildebeest than an actual NFL franchise. Owners of the overall number one pick three times in the last eleven years the Bengals have nothing to show for such lofty first rounders. The jury is still out on Carson Palmer but Dan Wilkinson and Ki-Jana Carter are amongst the biggest draft busts of all time. Bengals’ owner Mike Brown, much like the aforementioned Sterling, apparently has an aversion to re-signing his own talent. Not to mention the squandering of one high draft pick after another. Their record since 1990 is 80-166. They can't even win a third of their games. ‘Nuf said.

3. Colorado Rockies-They burst onto the scene when Eric Young clubbed a homerun in the team’s first ever at bat. Three years later they pushed the vaunted Atlanta Braves to six games before losing in the playoffs. It’s been down hill ever since. With only one bona fide star, Todd Helton, the Rockies have been mired in last place since the millennium switch. Gone are the days of 2 to 3 million in yearly attendance, the most widely sold merchandise in baseball, and any semblance of competitiveness. To show you how bad the fortune of this team has turned sure fire Rookie of the Year candidate Clint Barmes, who was hitting .325 with 34 RBI’s and eight home runs, was walking up a flight of stairs with groceries in tow when he fell and broke his collar bone. He’ll be out until at least mid-August.

2. Tampa Bay Devil Rays-The only reason they’re not firmly in the top spot is the fact that they’ve only been stinking it up for seven years. The Rays play in the worst venue in sports. Should you ever get the impulse to visit Tropicana Field just lock yourself in a hermetically sealed Tupperware bowl and breathe your own air for three hours. Then for your added enjoyment watch bad baseball on artificial turf. You’ll beg for death inside of thirty minutes.

1. Arizona Cardinals-Speaking of living hell I truly feel for Cardinals’ fans, all seven of them. This team is the gold standard of futility in all of sports. Owner Bill Bidwell may be the most hated owner in America and without a doubt the most incompetent. The last time they won a championship was 1947. Since 1980 the Cards have had four seasons of .500 or better with one playoff victory and they have AVERAGED 5.5 WINS A YEAR in that span. Over the past 55 years the Cards have posted fifteen winning or .500 seasons. The NFL went to a sixteen game season in '78 and since the switch the Cardinals' winning percentage is .361. The Cards have had top ten draft choices seventeen times in the 25 years. They owned first round picks in '90, '92, and '95 but wasted them on supplemental pick Timm Rosenbach, and trades for Randal Hill and Rob Moore. The defining moment for this franchise came when kicker Bill Gramatica blew out his knee celebrating a first quater field goal in 2001. This type of ineptitude is beyond description.

Honorary mention-Minnesota Vikings, Oakland Raiders, Chicago Cubs, Kansas City Royals, New Jersey Nets, Pittsburg Pirates, New York Islanders