Tuesday, August 04, 2009

Testicle Tusday...the resurrection

After popular demand, the beloved Testicle Tuesday posts are so back, with a vengeance.

Now, some reading this don’t quite appreciate my voracious appetite for feminine hotness. But stick with me; you just might learn a thing or two.

The first thing you’ll learn; I have exquisite taste in women. The second thing you’ll learn; I’m a bit of a pervert in a renaissance man’s body. I’ll sprinkle the sublimely hot hotties and their likenesses with a bit of whimsy. And yes, sprinkle may have been an unfortunate choice of words.

Now, we must preface this resurrection of an institution with a qualifier: certain hotties have already been immortalized in the TT Hall of Fame, and as such their visages have been retired from competition. They are: our patron saint Selma Hayak, uber British hottie Kate Winslet, and the best looking vampiress ever Kate Beckinsale. Together they form the Holy Trinity of Hotness. You may bow or pay homage in your own, decidedly salacious fashion. God knows I have.

On with the show. Since our last TT way back in April of 2008, some stunning ladies have thundered into our collective consciousness. So, in an effort to enlighten, and because the research is damn “satisfying”, I’ve come up with a contemporary “Best Of” list. The following are the 20 Hottest Women Never Featured in Testicle Tuesday. Yes, it’s an awkward mouthful of a title but I couldn’t come up with a better moniker, sue me.

20. Ellen Page-she flat out stole the show in Juno and was robbed of an Oscar for an unforgettable role. Plus she’s cute as hell.

19. Beyonce-maybe not the best singer in the world, the curvaceous Beyonce can legitimately lay claim to title of hottest pop diva on earth. And with a body like that, who am I to argue.

18. Kat Von D-the tattooed Von d is naturally gorgeous and has the whole bad girl persona down pat, an achingly hot combo. Such a freak is she ex Motley Crue bassist Nikki Sixx saw fit to hook up with Von D and has been at her side since 2008. Now, where’d I park my Harley.

17. Julianne Hough-quite possibly the most annoyingly chipper girl on the planet, Hough’s hotness cannot, I repeat, cannot, be denied.

16. Angelina Jolie-yes, it’s hard to fathom that the luscious Ms. Jolie has never been in TT. Alas, the sins of the father kinda thing. Jolie has an unreal body, one she’s not afraid to show early and often in several of her movies…God Love her.

15. Camilla Belle-she had an auspicious debut in main stream movies along side Elisha Cuthbert in The Quiet and followed that up with roles in the frankly bad remake of When A Stranger Calls and the truly awful 10,000 B.C. Oh well, ces la vie.

14. Blake Lively-Lively was part of both Sisterhoods Of The Traveling Pants and scorched up the screen, albeit in limited fashion, in Accepted. She has arguably the most electric smile in Hollywood.

13. Emma Stone-she is a self-professed nerd and lent hottie credibility to the riotously hysterical Superbad and the otherwise forgettable The Rocker and the House Bunny.

12. Katherine Heigl-star of Grey’s Anatomy and the blockbuster Knocked Up, Heigl brings old school, Marilyn Monroe type hotness to new school Hollywood. Plus, listening to her shout, “Boobs, boobs, boobs n’ bush, boobs n’ bush” in Knocked Up just got me all tingly.

11. Summer Glau-perhaps no sci-fi hottie has been revered and celebrated recently by the denizens of nerdom like Summer Glau. Such a nerd icon is she that the biblically important Big Bang Theory saw fit to immortalize her sultriness with a cameo. And let’s face it, she’s the one terminator no man would mind being pummeled by.

10. Eva Mendez-not only did she put her stamp of hotness all over Hitch and Ghost Rider, she has now expanded her resume by posing nude for a PETA anti-fur ad and posing topless in an Italian version of Vogue. And yes, I dropped the keyboard twice while typing that last sentence.

9. AnnaLynn McCord-um, yeah, this just in…holy god is she hot. McCord steamed up the set in a lesbian tryst scene in F/X series Nip Tuck with another entrant on this countdown. If you don’t think I didn’t DVR that episode you are out of your damn mind.

8. Marissa Miller-one of the most photographed faces in the world, Miller has a body that could stop traffic.

7. Paz Vega-part of the Spanish invasion of hotness, along with Selma Hayak, Penelope Cruz, Daisy Fuentes, and Jessica Alba, Vega has had roles in 10 Items Or Less, Spanglish, and The Spirit.

6. Kaley Cuoco-is the lone bright spot of femininity in the nerdish sausage fest laugh out loud tryst that is Big Bang Theory. Cuoco cut her teeth during the final season of Charmed and has been an uber hottie since.

5. Minka Kelly-is the sultry cheerleader with a knack for hooking up with quarterbacks in NBC’s Friday Night Lights, Kelly is the daughter of Aerosmith guitarist Rick Dufay. As such she is easily the hottest offspring from that entire band.

4. Jordana Brewster-she’s been in a boat load of popular movies: The fast & The furious, Annapolis, Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning, and The Faculty. Brewster has dated such luminaries as Mark Wahlberg, Derek Jeter, and Mark McGrath.

3. Tricia Helfer-no Cylon in the history of creation was hotter than Ms. Helfer. So adept at playing a villainess, Helfer was the creepy yet ever so supple Carla, Michael Westin’s main antagonist in Season 2 of USA’s Burn Notice. Too bad they killed her off…the horror, the horror.

2. Megan Fox-leave it to Fox to eclipse the otherworldly special effects juggernauts that were the Transformer movies. But that’s precisely what she did. It’s not hard to imagine why when you gaze into those hypnotic eyes.

1. Rhona Mitra-essentially replacing Kate Beckinsale in Underworld: Rise of The Lycans, Mitra has also had roles in Doomsday, Skinwalkers, and the afore mentioned lesbian scene in Nip Tuck. And she was the live model for the scamps who created videogame hottie Lara Croft.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Testicle Tuesday...part 2 (continue from last week)

The following is a continuation from last week's TT...

Hope Solo (soccer)

Becky Hammmon (basketball)

Alisa Camplin (skiing)

Niki Gudex (mountain biking)

Lokelani McMichael (triathlon)

Tuesday, April 08, 2008

Testicle Tuesday...hottest female athletes you've probably never heard of...

As an admitted perv and sports fiend, one of the natural progressions of the beloved TT is to highlight under the radar sporting vixens that are second to none in the asthetics department.

Veronica Kay-surfing

Malia Jones-surfing

Karina Petroni-surfing

Gretchen Blieler-snowboarding

Gina Carano-mixed martial arts

Erica Blasberg-golf

Ana Paula Mancino-volleyball

Ashley Force-drag racing

Next week...part 2

Wednesday, April 02, 2008

Testicle Wednesday...historic hotness

As a fan of movies, and ridiculously obsessed denizen of hotness, I find myself constantly perusing the mind's file cabinet in an effort to infuse this blog's weekly ritual with creative flair...and the movies is precisely where we get this week's installment of the beloved Testticle Tuesday in Wednesday's garb. One of my favorrite genres is those historical epics; ala Gladiator, Braveheart, Troy, and Alexander. So I give you histories hotties as seen through hollywood goggles.

Eva Green from Kingdom of Heaven

Connie Nielsen from Gladiator

Saffron Burrowss from Troy

Diane Kruger from Troy

Sophie Marceau from Braveheart

Catherine McCormack from Braveheart

Angelina Jolie from Alexander and Beowulf

Tuesday, April 01, 2008

Sorry y'all...

My internet's been down all day thanks to Comcast...freakin morons! I'll post Testicle Tuesday tomorrow.

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Testicle Tuesday...the girls of American Pie

Every once in a while a movie catches you totally off guard. That's what happened when I first saw American Pie. The movie generated a huge buzz in the college town I lived at the time. But since its biggest fans were insipid dumbasses I wasn't expecting much. Boy was I pleasanntly surprised! What unfolded was a raunchy tour de comedy that had me rolling. Another surprise was the hotness quotient of its female cast. In tribute to a comedy classic I bring you the American Pie hotties!

Words do not begin to describe the sexy yet hilarious bedroom scene wherein Shannon Elizabeth made young Jim experience premature *eh hem*...twice.

Tara Reid was chunkier in the original AP than her current slender and ever so sexy physique.

Mena Suvari went on to tempt Kevin Spacy in American Beaauty, causing nearly every male that saw the movie to entertain thoughts of scantily clad high school chicks showering in rose pedals.

Alyson Hannigan really came into her hotness on Buffy The Vampire Slayer and How I Met Your Mom. "Say my name bitch!"

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Testicle Tuesday...gotta love those blood suckers

I'm an unabashed fan of vampire movies and hot women. When you combine the two I get damn near catatonic with glee. Here are the most memorable female vampires in television & cinema history, minus the recently immortalized Selma Hayak (From Dusk Til Dawn) and Kate Beckinsale (Underworld).

Sadie Frost played the juicy red maned vampiric vixen in Bram Stoker's Dracula. So hot was she you nearly forgot the movie had Winona Ryder, Keaneu Reaves, Anthony Hopkins, and Gary Oldman.

Julie Benz was the hottest female vampire on TV in the Buffy series.

When I first saw The Lost Boys in the late 80's my initial thought was, "Jamia Gertz should have been naked at least once."

One of the most bizarre and eerily captivating vampire flicks was The Hunger. In it David Bowie played the lover of fellow vampire Catherine Deneuve. Deneuve plays an ageless and scorching hot vampire who sired Bowie's character centuries earlier. An atmospheric yet tedious and slow movie, The Hunger highlights Deneuve's flawless visage.

Aaliya died in a plain crash shortly after the filming of Queen of the Damned and six months before its release...may she rest in peace.

There's a new series on CBS called Moonlight, wherein Shannyn Sossamon stars as an on again, off again minion of vampiric beauty.

Later y'all.