Wednesday, December 26, 2007

New look

As you can see, his Shurbbiness messed around with the format. Let me know how you like it.

Friday, December 21, 2007

A tribute to the godfather...and interplanetary funksmanship

Oh yeah, put a glide in your stride and a dip in your as we prepare to land the mothership.

The P-funk connection is in full effect as we pay homage to the godfather of funk, the immortal George Clinton.

He whom presides over a nation of funk, one nation under a groove, the great Dr. Funkenstein, dedicated to the preservation of the motion of hips.

So if you concentrate and focus the funk in your junk, you just might land the mothership. But have your boarding passes ready because the ship has limited seating. Only those who are down with the funk are permitted.

Enlightenment is eminent if you free your consciousness and feel the rhythm and the rhyme.

After the mothership comes you better be ready to ride, because it’s gonna tear the roof off the mother…

Put your tray tables in the upright and locked position as we prepare for takeoff. If you look out the window you’ll see the eminent Atomic Dog. Then The P’s mortal enemies, Sir Nosedevoidoffunk and the ominous Maggot Brain, will try to ground the ship but if you’ve achieved proper funk enlightenment they will be defeated.

With the help of the Funkateers, Uncle Jam, Starchild, Bootsy’s Rubber Band, and Bootzilla, we will reclaim the pyramids…because no one is too cool to dance.

Free your mind and your ass will follow because mother earth is pregnant a third time.

Starchild, armed with his bop gun, shall bestow funkentelechy upon humanity, ridding us of the stench of unfunkiness.

So we journey to Atlantis, a place where you can swim under water without getting wet, where Mr. Wiggles will return the funk to Sir Nose, who dances the aqua boogie.

And as always we return to the side of the godfather of funk, George Clinton. Motown spawned this creative genius as the New Jersey native dropped a bomb on our musical consciousness that would resonate to seismic proportions.

In the late 60’s early 70’s Clinton convened the Parlaiment-Funkadelic, truly a cosmic convergence. And the denizens of funk were whipped into frenzy.

Such ground-breaking musicians as Eddie Hazel, Bootsy Collins, Michael Hampton, and Bernie Worrell fueled a musical revolution that would stoke the fires of rap & hip hop, 80’s funk, alternative (particularly the Red Hot Chili Peppers), and modern day R&B.

There’s a reason why this group of funkaholics were inducted into the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame in 1997 and have been deified as one of the best bands of all time by every publication from SPIN Magazine to Rolling Stone…they are that damn good.

As we bring this ride to a halt we train our eyes to the speaker system and pray they don’t blow. Put on Cosmic Slop and crank it to a truly righteous level as this is the only way to properly pay homage to one of music’s true pioneers.

Put a glide in your stride and a dip in your hip…because nobody is too cool to dance.

Friday, December 07, 2007

Illegal immigration...the solution

As a self-proclaimed free thinker I pride myself on coming up with unique solutions to divisive issues. And no topic on the political landscape, save perhaps abortion and capital punishment, engenders the passion and fury as that of immigration. Yet this most discordant of issues is not without an amicable solution.

The United States shares the longest continuous border in the world with Canada, coincidentally the longest non-militarized border on Earth. But those kooky Canucks are staying on their side of the line so we’ll discuss this boundary at a later date…if ever.

The U.S.-Mexico border is the most traversed international boundary in the world, both in terms of legal and illegal crossings…fully 250,000,000 per year. 2,000 miles of border being treated like a hopscotch table, equating to 125,000 crossings per mile per year.

And illegal immigration has become the hot button topic of the upcoming presidential campaign.

So, in my continued effort to think outside the box whilst enlightening the masses as to my evil genius, I’ve devised a fool proof and egalitarian approach to stemming the tide of illegal crossings along our southern border.

The eastern half of the U.S.-Mexico border, the Rio Grand, travels 1,254 miles from just upstream from El Paso, Texas, to the Gulf of Mexico. Millions upon millions of illegal crossings occur along the Rio Grand every year.

Here’s how we deal with this part of the U.S.-Mexico border. We find a handful of the best zoologists and big game hunters in the country and send them on safari in Africa. We give them a ton of bait and tranquilizer darts and send them after the deadly Nile crocodile. These nasty reptiles can grow to eighteen feet in length and reach a weight of 2,000 pounds. They are one of the most efficient killing machines ever on earth, quite capable of devouring a human, and the bite of a Nile crocodile has been measured at 3,000 pounds per square inch. Our intrepid hunters and zoologists will trap thousands of those buggers and transport them to the Rio Grand. Then for added fun, we send a bunch of fishermen with big nets to the Amazon River in South America where they can catch thousands of the legendary piranhas. These blood thirsty fish can strip a capybara corpse of every ounce of flesh in twelve minutes.

The Rio will be transformed from a placid, gentle river to a tempest of teeth and bad attitudes.

Now that we’ve taken care of border security for Texas, we need to address the remaining 750 miles of land border. You are gonna love this…

You buy a ton of paint, day-glow orange, and clearly mark the rest of the border. You then create a ten mile buffer zone that is marked off in a giant grid, not unlike a giant bingo card. Throughout this zone you plant millions of landmines, and mark them…incorrectly. Now here is the kicker…you install video cameras every quarter mile and televise the festivities. People can bet on which square the unfortunate border jumpers land when they trip a mine. You call it “Immigration Bingo”.

Anyone that runs this gauntlet of border security is immediately issued an immigration visa and starts on the fast track to U.S. citizenship.

This solution is beautiful in its simplicity, cost effectiveness, and deterrent effect. It’s a win, win. It’s whimsical. It’s perfect.

Wednesday, December 05, 2007

Paging Dr. Paul

Ladies and gentlemen I give you electoral imbecility, brought to you by those Bush The Lesser pseudo-conservative boot lickers over at National Review’s The Corner…

Rick Brookhiser on those despicable Ron Paul supporters

I used the phrase a few months back when Ron Paul supporters jeered Giuliani on the Mackinac ferry, asking him what he did with the gold that was in the World Trade towers, before the U.S. government destroyed them. That is both wicked and idiotic…
The first episode featured truthers, the second appealed to hell-with-it libertarians (in the Seventies, they dropped acid and read the Illuminatus trilogy; thirty years have not improved them). Both have flocked to the Paul campaign like flies to waste.

The myopic disdain is dripping from Rick’s fangs like drool from those wicked Alien Trilogy monsters. This faction of mindless sycophants can’t stand the mere thought of a card carrying Republican whose mission it is to rock the proverbial boat and…*gasp*…pay heed to the Constitution.

Dr. Ron Paul is threatening the very establishment that brought us three presidential administrations that wiped their collective asses with the Constitution. And this snarling, duplicitous cabal, Sean Hannity, every contributor to the National Review, Fred Barnes, and Rush Limbaugh are, as Brookhiser did, likening Ron Paul supporters to flies and Dr. Paul to excrement.

In this day and age of “compassionate conservatism”, a term only applicable if uttered via our current President’s forked tongue, the strong arm of the GOP and its mouthpieces choose to do that which they profess to revile, insult and denigrate the opposition.

In a Republican field replete with big government, wolves in sheep’s clothing neo-con debutants with barely a passing appreciation for the Constitution and the restraints it puts on federal government Dr. Paul is the sole voice of sanity in a constant dirge of neo-con rhetoric. And I use the term “neo-con” with as much disdain as I can possibly muster.

Brookhiser goes further to denigrate the improbable single day record for campaign fund raising the Ron Paul movement set on November 5, implying that those who were part of this avalanche of support were just a bunch of wackos who wanted to see the reincarnation of Guy Fawkes, the guy that tried to blow up the British Parliament building in London. They were just a bunch of kooks who thought that the movie V For Vendetta was a documentary or prophecy.

These neo-cons will stop at nothing to ensure their cozy niche is not in any way disturbed, if that means rampant character assassination towards millions of Paul supporters and ad hominem attacks at Dr. Paul himself, then so be it. Their duplicity knows no bounds.

If for no other reason than to ruffle the feathers of a bunch of preening obsequious suck ups I will gleefully cast a write-in vote for Ron Paul for president in November 2008. That and I agree with nearly every thing he says.

In this day & age of glorified beauty contests otherwise called general elections Dr. Paul is a refreshing blend of honesty and insightfulness. His no fear approach to the process is unique and unseen since 1980 when Ronald Reagan bucked the establishment by running on a similar platform to Ron Paul.

If you want tighter border control and a visit back to the days of yore when the Constitution was more than a glitzy tourist attraction then vote for Ron Paul. If not, by all means, return the status quo to power and shut the f**k up when it blows up in your face.

Sunday, December 02, 2007