Sunday, December 31, 2006

A 2006 retrospective

Here’s a quirky look at the year that was…

January 22-Kobe Bryant pours in 81 points, the second highest single-game total in NBA history. When asked how he felt about Gilbert Arenas scoring 61 soon there after Bryant was quoted as saying, “The guy has no conscience.”

January 30-President George Bush delivers his annual State of the Union address to the nation. Sales of Dr. Seuss and Hooked on Phonics reach an all-time high.

February 5-The Pittsburgh Steelers win Super Bowl XL. In one of the most stunning retirement speeches ever Jerome Bettis announces plans to join the cast of La Cage aux Faux in March.

February 8-Kelly Clarkson wins two Grammy’s. The moon turned black as sack cloth, the rivers ran red with blood, the seas boiled, and the seventh seal opened harkening the End Days.

February 10-26-Bode Miller, the first American favored to win five gold medals in Olympic Games’ history went 0 for 5 in the men’s skiing events. When asked why he insisted on bringing and staying in his own RV Miller replied, “Turin?! Where the hell is Turin? I thought this was Aspen dude.”

February 11-Dick Cheney accidentally shoots hunting companion Harry Wittington. Apparently Mr. Wittington had donned the most cunningly authentic quail disguise ever.

March 5-At the Academy awards rap group 36 Mafia win for best original song. Host John Stewart said it best, “36 Mafia 1, Martin Scorsese zero.”

March 25-500,000 people take to the streets to protest U.S. policy on illegal immigration. Hundreds of police are on scene providing crowd control and rounding nary a single illegal immigrant.

April 18-Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise unleash their first collective demon spawn upon an unsuspecting world. The delicate tyke was named Suri, because all the other really bizarre names had been used by other Hollywood parents.

June 9-The FIFA World Cup begins in Germany. Italy won the final on July 9. In related news the English fans rioted, again, and the dozens of brothels set by German entrepreneurs were surprisingly quiet due to the French and Italian fans saving their Euros for that fine German lager.

June 19-Bill Gates announced plans to step down as head of Microsoft. His charitable foundation is worth $30 billion. As a result I’ve founded my own charitable organization, news of which has already been conveyed to the Gates Foundation.

June 19-The Carolina Hurricanes win the Stanley Cup. What, Carolina has a hockey team. Who knew the Carolinas were a hockey Mecca. Do they even know the epic amounts of product it takes to get Barry Melrose’s hair to do that?

June 20-The Miami Heat wins its first NBA championship. In the subsequent victory parade Heat coach Pat Riley danced to hip hop while Shaq touched his coach’s butt. Note to self: never watch another parade again, ever.

June 25-Warren Buffet donates $30 billion to the afore mentioned Gates foundation. On a tangential note, I’ve already formed my own charitable organization. Mr. Buffet has been notified also.

July 2-Mexico holds a presidential election. Official results weren’t confirmed until September 5. Seems everyone who could count that was Mexican was in southern California operating quaint grocery stores, restaurants, and house keeping agencies.

July 23-American Floyd Landis wins the Tour de France. He subsequently failed a blood doping test. Rumors of French officials drugging a sleeping Landis have yet to be confirmed.

July 28-Mel Gibson is arrested for a DUI, then proceeds on a profanity laced, anti-Semitic spiel. Gibson claimed his allergies and his sneezes were mistaken for racial epithets. Get it…AH-JEW!

August 10-London police make 21 arrests in relation to a wide-spread terrorist plot involving targets in the UK and US. Renowned inspector Sherlock Holmes said the plot involved hitting America where it hurts, every Starbucks along the east coast was targeted for annihilation.

August 23-In Austria, Natascha Kampusch escapes from eight years of captivity. Her kidnapper, Wolfgang Prikolpi locked the girl in his cellar. The alert Kampusch escaped when Prikolpi went inside while his car was being washed. Note to self #2: immediately chain my “house guest” to radiator.

September 3-Andre Agassi retires after 20 years in professional tennis. The mercurial Agassi quipped he was now going to work full time on serving & volleying with wife Steffi Graff.

September 15-The now infamous e-coli scare starts in the US. On a note nobody could have predicted…the outbreak stretched its tentacles even to Taco Bell where shockingly customers became ill ingesting that authentic faux Mexican food.

September 29-Representative Mark Foley (R-FL) resigns after it is discovered he sent lewd images and emails to under age male pages. My god man, at least Clinton had the sense to sexually harass female subordinates. Where’s your decency?

October-North Korea successfully tested several nuclear weapons. A giant sling shot was found in the back yard of Kim Jung Il’s presidential abode.

October 6-The founders of YouTube sold their creation to Google for $1.6 billion. Google has now announced plans to by the entire Internet and World Wide Web, all umpteen billion sites.

October 17-The US population reached 300,000,000. Texas prison officials are working feverishly to counter this population explosion by advocating for capital punishment for minors and the mentally retarded. Officials have stated that executing these inmates is cheaper as the chairs are smaller and take less electricity.

October 27-The St. Louis Cardinals win the World Series. Twenty three people tuned in for the festivities.

October 31-Bob Barker retires after 35 years as host of The Price Is Right. He retires after shagging 35 years of hostesses too, God bless him.

November 3- Rev. Ted Haggard resigns as head of the National Association of Evangelicals. In response to accusations he hired male prostitutes and bought crack cocaine Haggard astutely responded he made the purchases but never took part in such licentiousness. No one believed him.

November 5-Saddam Hussein is sentenced to death in an Iraqi court. Thousands of Iraqis were heard shouting, “Ohhhh, let me, please, I’ll string him up!”

November 7-In the national election the Democrats seized control of both the House and Senate. President Bush and his mystic Karl Rove were seen splattering goat blood on Nancy Pelossi’s door.

November 17-Comedian and former Seinfeld star Michael Richards launched his now famous “nigger” tirade. In response former Seinfeld costar Jerry Seinfeld said, “I’m disappointed in Michael, jigaboo or porch monkey are way funnier.”

December 2-Britney Spears is seen partying with Paris Hilton. The noteworthiness of this pairing and their tryst is the fact Spears was photographed without panties on. Sales of hand lotion and Kleenex quadrupled. Spears later said she found God and her panties. Note to self #3: I found God in those panties too, and dental floss. BTW, she shaves.

December 10-The Nobel Prizes are awarded in Stockholm and Oslo. Strange how the Peace Prize is named after the inventor of dynamite, go figure. On a side note, I hear Sweden and Norway are lovely in December.

December 26-The Iraqi appellate court announced that Saddam Hussein would be executed via hangman’s noose by the end of January 2007. Update: Saddam went swinging and twitching into his after life on December 30. With all the technology available you would think Iraqi officials could have shot better footage.

Friday, December 22, 2006

An awkward Christmas poem

It's crude but I tried...

Under tree are stacks of motorized cars on electric tracks, gifts for child
Candles made of wax illuminate the stacks, as young one dreams of Christmas morning wild
Snow flakes fall, garlands deck the walls, signs of magical season
Crowded shopping malls and tattered shawls accompany cold that defies reason
Twinkling lights and other Christmas sites take one back to when life made sense
Stupid fights and drunken nights lost in season’s innocence
Neighborhood tours and awe filled words as lights hypnotize
Wreaths don doors like the days of yore as on adults’ faces are etched beaming smiles
Youth lost and oft times tossed on scrap heaps of years gone by
Between the trappings that cost, tuning out what was once lost, we live and die
But we don’t truly live and to our youth give reason to reproach
Like a steel shiv a stab to where once lived drops boundless of joy & hope
So if you can look at the man staring back in the mirror
Bang spoons on pans, pretend you’re Peter Pan, and things will become clearer
If only one could ditch the vestiges of adulthood and stand in stupid awe
As we should, where we stood, and once again believe in Santa Clause


Monday, December 18, 2006

Ah the joys of education

Seems a couple weeks back a teacher, quite a tasty morsel if you ask me, was busted for molesting a 17 year old male student. Why is this a crime. When the teacher is a certifiable hottie the male victim in question should recieve acolades, not therapy.

"Why did you shag your teacher?"

"Duh, look at her, she's freakin' hot!"

So, in my never ending quest for enlightenment I bring you a chronicle of the hottest teachers to ever defile the jouvenile of their choosing.

Pam Rogers Turner...and she's been naked on camera too.

Amber Jennings

Sandra Beth Geisel

Debra LaFave

Local hot teacher...mmmmmmm, yummy.

Maybe if I had teachers like these who show obvious concern for a young man's education, maybe, just maybe, I would've gone to class more.