Sunday, November 28, 2004

Week 12 picks

Minnesota over Jacksonville
KC over San Diego
Houston over Tennessee
Cincy over Cleveland
Tampa over Carolina
Pittsburgh over Washington
Philly over Giants
Atlanta over New Orleans
Seattle over Buffalo
Miami over San Fran
Arizona over Jets
Patriots over Baltimore
Green Bay over Rams
And my Broncos over the hated Raiders

Tuesday, November 23, 2004

Those fiscally responible Repubs

This from Taxpayers for Common Sense…

“Here they go again. With the fat lady singing on the 108th Congress, lawmakers have just passed a massive spending bill that virtually no one has read, and no one knows much about. Despite this, hardly anyone seems to care. We heard a lot about how this bill is fiscally responsible. However, the facts speak for themselves. This bill is the fattest legislative hog that we have ever seen and despite record deficits, lawmakers are much more concerned with feathering the nests of their favorite parochial interests. If this bill is an indicator of what's to come, we will be swimming up a river of red ink for quite some time.

Below are 20 of the most egregious earmarks in the bill:

1. $25,000: Curriculum development for the study of mariachi music, Clark County School Distinct, NV, Labor-HHS.
2. $25,000: Banana Factory for an arts and technology after school program, Bethlehem, PA, Labor-HHS.
3. $45,000: A+ for Abstinence for abstinence education and related services, Waynesboro, PA, Labor-HHS.
4. $300,000: CyberSeniors, Inc. - Experience Senior Power Program, Detroit, MI, Labor-HHS.
5. $225,000: National Wild Turkey Federation, SC, Agriculture.
6. $250,000: Country Music Hall of Fame, Nashville, TN, VA/HUD.
7. $1,000,000: Missouri Pork Producers Federation: converting animal waste into energy, MO, VA/ HUD.
8. $75,000: Renovations of the Merry Go Round Playhouse, Auburn, NY, VA/HUD.
9. $100,000: Punxsutawney Weather Museum, Punxsutawney, PA, VA/HUD.
10. $306,000: Restroom repair at Porter Beach at Indian Dunes NL, IN, Interior.
11. $4,989,000: Stabilize bathhouses for adaptive reuse, Hot Springs, AR, Interior.
12. $800,000: Soybean Rust Research, Ames, IA, Interior.
13. $1,400,000: Laser lines of tug roads and lake Hood Seaplane base, Ted Stevens International Airport, AK, Transportation.
14. $1,593: Potato Storage, Madison, WI, Agriculture.
15. $250,000: Asparagus Technology and Production, WA, Agriculture.
16. $50,000: Feral Hogs, MO, Agriculture.
17. $150,000: Coca-Cola Space Science Center, Columbs, GA, VA/HUD
18. $150,000: Beaver management and damage. WI, Agriculture
19. $250,000: Sidewalks, street furniture, and facade improvements. Boca Raton, FL, VA/HUD
20. $200,000: American Cotton Museum. Greenville, TX, VA/HUD.”

This new spending bill is roughly $388 billion. This comes on the heels of President Bush signing into law an $800 BILLION debt limit increase. The maximum debt by law that the U.S. can carry is now $8.184 TRILLION. Under Republican leadership deficit spending is out of control. Anyone who talks about the fiscal responsibility of Republicans needs to look at the numbers.

Saturday, November 20, 2004

Week 11 picks

Pittsburg over Cincy
Indy over Chicago
Arizona over Carolina
St. Louis over Buffalo
Baltimore over Dallas
Tampa over 49ers
Minnesota over Detroit
Jacksonville over Tennessee
Jets over Cleveland
Seattle over Miami
San Diego over Oakland
Philly over Washington
Atlanta over Giants
Green Bay over Houston
Patriots over KC
My Broncos over the Saints

Now the college picks…
#7 Michigan over Ohio St.
#18 Virginia over Georgia Tech
#2 Auburn over Alabama
#9 Wisconsin over #17 Iowa
#10 Florida St. over Florida

Wednesday, November 17, 2004

Week 10 results

W-New Orleans over KC (no Priest)
W-Jacksonville over Detroit
W-Indy over Houston
W-Steelers over Cleveland
W-Atlanta over Tampa
L-Tennessee over Chicago
W-St. Louis over Seattle
W-Baltimore over Jets
W-Washington over Cincy
W-San Fran over Carolina
W-Green Bay over Minnesota
W-Giants over Arizona
W-Patriots over Buffalo
W-Philly over Dallas

Damn! I only missed one game! I smoked BR’s butt and am now even with the self proclaimed “Best Sports Mind in Denver”. Hah! It is to laugh.

Now the college picks…
L-#13 West Virginia over #21 Boston College
L-#24 Notre Dame over Pitt
L-#10 Virginia over #18 Miami
L-Texas Tech over #22 Texas A&M
W-#2 Oklahoma HUGE over Nebraska
W-#3 Auburn over #8 Georgia

Auburn may be the best team in college football right now and if they get screwed out of a birth in the national championship game something drastic needs to happen…say…maybe…a freakin playoff! Div. III, Div. II, Div I A all have playoff formats and actually receive a sanctioned NCAA Championship trophy. What a novel concept. Plus, Boise State and Utah will likely finish unbeaten but will be frozen out of title contention because of this inane and idiotic system. It can be done. The money is there, the networks would kill to televise a TRUE title game, and, if done correctly, a national playoff could rival the NFL in popularity and the almighty television ratings.

These stories are true...I swear

A former gay pornographic movie producer, Marc Schaffel, is suing Michael Jackson for $3 million. Schaffel claims that Jackson is in material breach of contract stemming from millions loaned to the King of Pop for extravagant spending sprees which included Bentley and Rolls Royce cars, a $600,000 gift to Elizabeth Taylor, a $1 million appearance fee for Marlon Brando, and $500,000 so the reclusive pop icon could sequester himself and his family. Before becoming part of Jackson’s inner sanctum, Scaffel was most famous for producing gay porno’s such as “Cocktales” and “Man With The Golden Rod”. All contracts in question between Schaffel and Jackson were…oral…in nature.

Seems now PETA, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, is urging people not to eat fish. The following is a verbatim quote directly from PETA’s web site, “Fish are interesting, intelligent animals who feel pain, use tools, and have impressive long-term memories and sophisticated social structures. Fish are friends, not food.” This also from Dr. Sylvia Earle, “I never eat anyone I know personally. I wouldn’t deliberately eat a grouper any more than I’d eat a cocker spaniel…You know, fish are sensitive, they have personalities.”

The following is a headline also from PETA’s site…"Giant Tampon Stops Flow of Traffic to Protest Painful Menstruation Experiments on Animals”

From Sao Paulo, Brazil -- A family's Rottweiler killed a man Tuesday after he came home drunk and began beating his wife, police said. The attack took place when Renato Danesei Neto, 55, returned to his home and began arguing with his wife and beating her, police said. The dog intervened, jumping on the owner and biting him on the neck until he died. Relatives said the couple had frequent quarrels and the dog always defended the wife, 51-year-old Valeria Bernadete Danesi. (Note to self: Kill dog first)

This from the September 9 edition of the Pensacola News Journal…A man who told deputies he was trying to shoot his seven puppies was wounded when one of the animals caused his gun to discharge, the Escambia County Sheriff's Office reported Wednesday. Jerry Allen Bradford, 37, of the 4700 block of Rigby Road, who was shot in the wrist by a .38-caliber revolver, faces felony animal cruelty charges in the incident that occurred Monday, the Sheriff's Office said…From September 20-“Pistol Packing Pooch Survives Hurricane”- Remember Trigger, the avenging puppy who shot his owner as the man was about to turn the same gun on him and his three siblings? Trigger survived Hurricane Ivan and is faring well at the Escambia County Animal Shelter with a sister and mother, Sadie.

According to the Las Angeles Times, California is considering a by-the-mile-driving-tax system. Under the current proposal the new tax would replace a 18 cent-a-gallon gasoline tax already in place. The new system would require California drivers to fit their cars with a mileage tracking device that would meter the miles driven then beam the info to a GPS satellite.

From Sapa-AFP-London - More than 25 percent of married couples in Briton have lost one or both of their wedding rings since tying the knot, according to a survey released on Tuesday. Researchers found that 15 percent of brides had lost their original wedding ring, with one in 10 grooms also admitting to losing the traditional symbol of eternal love and commitment. Nearly one in five brides also owned up to losing their engagement ring, according to the survey of 1 500 couples for Prudential, a home insurance underwriter. The most common time for a ring to go missing was within two years of wedding day, according to a third of the couples. Nearly one in five said they lost their rings after 10 years of marriage.


Monday, November 15, 2004

Post election trauma

Now that we all have to suffer through four more years of Bush Jr., the political version of Revenge of the Nerds Part 2, people are now being diagnosed with what’s being referred to as “Post Election Selection Trauma”, or PEST. Florida psychologist Douglas Schooler has treated dozens with symptoms like insomnia, anxiety, and hyper tension. In fact, the Boca Raton based American Health Association has started a support group for sufferers of PEST. Many PEST victims are experiencing relapses from the 2000 presidential election.

In yet another feeble attempt to enlighten and educate I’ve done minutes of copious research into other election related illnesses.

Four More Years Phobia-characterized by night terrors, sweats, and an uncontrollable urge to vomit at the mere sight of a known Republican. There is no known cure.

Delusions of Adequacy-this most severe of known delusions dictates that the victim, typically a conservative, has the unfounded yet powerful notion that even a village idiot can be an effective president.

Plantaphobia-this ailment is characterized by the urge to nominate and support yet another potted plant to run for president. Only Democrats suffer from this insidious phobia and it was only discovered in the year 2000.

Wardrobe Based Turrets-an uncontrollable urge to shout or bark profanities and epithets at the sight of John Kerry in hunter’s camouflage or George Bush in a flight suit. A relatively new phenomenon, WBT was first diagnosed in Democrats after Michael Dukakis was shown in the turret of a tank during the 1988 presidential campaign. WBT is also characterized by uncontrollable fits of laughter, snorting, and bed wetting.

Phonicaphobia-sufferers of this dreaded illness are seemingly incapable of speaking in complete and intelligible sentences. George Bush is the most well known sufferer of phonicaphobia.

Hanging Chadism-an irrational fear of punch cards and voting machines. This malidy seems to be isolated in Florida and Ohio. The only known cure is to either relocate to a civilized state or burn Catherine Harris, Jeb Bush, and Karl Rove in effigy.

If you find yourself suffering from any of the afore mentioned symptoms, seek immediate psychiatric attention. I will do more research…perhaps at the next commercial break. Sportscenter is on.

Friday, November 12, 2004

Week 10 picks

Damn, the Steelers look like world beaters. They beat New England and Philadelphia in successive weeks by an aggregate score of 71-23. It’s not the mere fact that Pittsburg beat the two NFL kingpins back-to-back, it’s the way they beat them. The Steelers imposed their will on the two best teams in football and physically beat the hell out of them. Both the Eagles and Pats looked like demoralized and spent football teams. The ease with which the Steelers beat the Pats and Eagles was stunning. In the two games the Steelers were behind for only 1:52, and that was after Vinatieri kicked a field goal barely two minutes into the first quarter. Right now the Steelers are the best team in football.

New Orleans over KC (no Priest)
Jacksonville over Detroit
Indy over Houston
Steelers over Cleveland
Atlanta over Tampa
Tennessee over Chicago
St. Louis over Seattle
Baltimore over Jets
Washington over Cincy
San Fran over Carolina
Green Bay over Minnesota
Giants over Arizona
Patriots over Buffalo
Philly over Dallas

Now the college picks…
#13 West Virginia over #21 Boston College
#24 Notre Dame over Pitt
#10 Virginia over #18 Miami
Texas Tech over #22 Texas A&M
#2 Oklahoma HUGE over Nebraska
#3 Auburn over #8 Georgia

Monday, November 08, 2004

New Amendments

Here are some amendments I would propose for the U.S. Constitution.

Amendment XXVIII-No longer will athletes, politicians, entertainers, or other public figures be allowed to refer to themselves in the third person. Violations will be punishable by eight years of house arrest wherein the confined must watch Sponge Bob Square Pants twenty four hours a day.

Amendment XXIX-The American beautification shall be accomplished by prohibiting ugly girls from driving with convertible tops down. In addition, no American who has more than seventeen percent body fat will be permitted to wear spandex, crop top shirts, or revealing clothing of any kind.

Amendment XXX-Lip syncing will be strictly prohibited in all live concerts or television appearances.

Amendment XXXI-Jennifer Garner must dump Ben Affleck and marry me immediately.

Amendment XXXII-Anyone that says “nu-cu-lar” instead of “nu-cle-ar” shall be stripped naked and publicly horse whipped followed by a comprehensive lesson in Hooked on Phonics.

Amendment XXXIII-Fast food restaurants shall no longer be permitted to serve salads.

Amendment XXXIV-The states of Kansas, Nebraska, Nevada, Oklahoma, and Western Texas must immediately plant trees or vegetation of some kind.

XXXV-In order to obtain a driver’s license an individual must be able to see over the dashboard and steering wheel. Therefore, anyone who is not at least five feet or sixty inches in height will be prohibited from operating a motor vehicle.

Of Noam Chomsky

Recently on Real Time with Bill Maher the noted intellectual and MIT professor Noam Chomsky stopped by via satellite for a little sojourn into the war in Iraq and the election results. What ensued was one of the most disturbing displays of virulent political rhetoric I’ve ever seen.

When asked about his views about the war in Iraq Chomsky contended that the United States should be brought up on charges of war crimes for invading the beleaguered mid-eastern country and ousting Sadaam Hussein. According to international law the most serious offense a country can commit is a war of aggression against another sovereign nation. A war of aggression is the unprovoked attack by one nation on another. The most glaring and notorious instance of such a war is Germany’s invasion of Eastern Europe, Russia, North Africa, and Western Europe which sparked WWII. Adolf Hitler’s Final Solution was responsible for the wholesale extermination of over twelve million Jews, gypsies, disabled, and political dissidents. Japan’s attack on China during WWII, the former Soviet Union’s war with Afghanistan, Iraq’s invasion of Kuwait in 1991, and China’s take over of Tibet are but a few other examples of wars of aggression.

Chomsky has also contented that the United States, through its support of Israel, Saudi Arabia, and Turkey, is the world’s foremost terrorist state of modern times. Chomsky has also been deeply critical of Israel’s policies towards the Palestinians.

Now I dislike our current president’s policies as much as the next guy but to equate Bush with Hitler, perhaps the most crystalline human personification of pure unadulterated evil ever born, is reckless, ignorant, and quite frankly stupid. To state that the U.S. is guilty of war crimes for invading Iraq is a dangerous and virulent concept. While the rationale for invading Iraq may have been questionable it is folly to ignore the danger that Iraq posed to the U.S. and the rest of the Middle East. Even though Iran and North Korea were and are more eminent threats to the United States because of their nuclear capability Iraq was headed by a tyrant who operated with reckless abandon. Bush’s mandated invasion of Iraq hardly equates to Hitler’s subjugation of an entire continent and his extermination of twelve million “enemies of the state”.

Chomsky should be ashamed.

Saturday, November 06, 2004

Solutions to what ails our society

As we Democrats lick our wounds after Tuesday, November 2, 2004, I’ve come up with solutions to some of the most divisive issues of our time. Enjoy!

Flag burning-make the American flag out of non-flammable material. Flag burners will find all efforts to torch the Stars & Stripes utterly futile. Perhaps they should coat the flag in asbestos.

Abortion-medical science should come up with a way to genetically graft armor onto the human fetus. The unborn will be impervious to all physical damage.

Gay marriage-outlaw the institution of marriage. This antiquated ceremony is largely symbolic. Besides, who wants to watch crazy aunt Marge dance to the chicken polka?

The war in Iraq-outlaw bullets world wide. Guns aren’t nearly as effective without projectiles speeding out the barrel at a thousand feet per second.

Terrorism-let’s have a giant house party in Cabo San Lucas. It’s clear that guys like Osama bin Laden and Abu Musab al-Zarqawi haven’t gotten laid or drunk in a long time. Maybe if they hook up they’ll be more willing to just chill.

Death penalty-put all those on death row in a tiny hamlet in rural Kansas and let visiting extra terrestrials anally probe them to their alien heart’s delight. Put it on Pay-Per-View and make a fortune that would go to buying Hostess out of bankruptcy so they’ll make more Twinkies.

You see, there’s easy solutions to incredibly contentious issues if you just think hard enough.

Week 9 picks and mid-season awards

Let’s dispense with some mid-season awards…

MVP-Daunte Culpepper, Peyton Manning, Brett Favre, Priest Holmes, and Donavan McNabb are all having great years but Terrell Owens has been a difference maker. Owens has given McNabb a bona fide threat at wide out and he leads the NFL in touchdown catches and is third in receiving yards.
Defensive MVP-Champ Baily has been the difference for the Broncos forth ranked defense but Ray Lewis is still the best defender in football.
Offensive Rookie of the Year-Roy Williams has exceeded expectations and has more than made up for the loss of Charles Rogers in Detroit. With all due respect to Ben Roethlisberger, Williams has been the best rookie in the league.
Defensive Rookie of the Year-This is a two man race. Both Teddy Lehman and D.J. Williams have been great. Lehman is second on Detroit in tackles and has breathed life into a porous defense. However, D.J. may be the Broncos best line backer at this point and he leads the team in tackles.
Coach of the Year-Bill Cower and Herm Edwards have their teams playing at an elevated level. The Jets and Steelers have combined for two losses and Cower led his team to a stunningly easy victory over the Patriots while Edwards nearly beat the Pats in Foxboro. This one’s too close to call.

Now the picks…
Jets over Buffalo
Detroit over Washington
Arizona over Miami
KC over Tampa
Dallas over Cincy
Carolina over Oakland
San Diego over the Saints
Seattle over San Fran
Giants over Chicago
Patriots over the Rams
Baltimore over Cleveland
Colts over the Vikings
Game of the week…Philly barely over Pittsburg
And my Broncos over Houston…maybe.

There are some decent games in college this week…

#2 Oklahoma over #22 Texas A&M
#9 Tennessee over Notre Dame
#4 Cal over Oregon
#6 Texas over #19 Oklahoma St.
Colorado over Kansas

Tuesday, November 02, 2004

Week 8 results

What an ugly week. I went 7-7 putting me at 71-45 on the year. The Pats lost big as did Minnesota and my suddenly porous Broncos. Where’s the defense? Oh, BTW, heeeee’s baaaaaaaack. Michael Vick finally woke up and showed why he’s the most feared offensive threat in football.

L-Jacksonville over Houston
L-Detroit over Dallas
L-Arizona over Buffalo (who cares)
W-Philly over Baltimore
W-Green Bay over Washington
W-Tennessee over Cincy
L-Minnesota over the Giants
Oops L-Indy over KC
W-Seattle over Carolina
W-San Diego over Oakland
W-Chicago over San Fran
W-Jets over Miami
L-New England barely over the Steelers
L-Broncos over Atlanta

When was the last time all three Florida teams lost on the same day? Miami and Florida State were both victims of huge upsets while Florida was handled relatively easily by Georgia in “The World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party”. The Sooners were on the brink of overtime but OK St.’s freshman kicker booted the tying field goal wide left. The BCS looks like there could be potentially five unbeaten teams at the end of the year. The Boise State Broncos could finish with a perfect record and would screw up the supposedly infallible BCS formula. We need a Division I playoff.

W-#2 Oklahoma over #20 Oklahoma State
W-#10 Georgia over Florida
W-#12 Michigan over Michigan State
W-#7 Cal over #20 Arizona State
W-#3 Texas BIG over my hapless Buffs

I hate fantasy football.

Monday, November 01, 2004

Relics of the Saints

The day after the most infamous pagan holiday, Halloween, is All Saints Day. The last exhaustive study done to determine the exact number of saints was done in 1956. At present the most complete compilation of all known saints is the 61st volume of the Acta Sanctorum of the Bollandists which identifies about 20,000 saints. The Martryologium Romanum, the list with the most ecclesiastical clout, mentions around 2,700 saints. Joan of Arc, John the Baptist, Francis of Asisi, and Mother Teresa are some of the most famous saints in history.

In order to receive official canonization as a saint one must have led a chaste or holy life, been martyred for your faith, and in general been virtuous to a heroic degree. The saints are venerated as being human embodiments of God’s power. Through the saints God’s power flowed thus producing the numerous miracles attributed to many of the saints and their relics.

Since the first century A.D. hundreds of cult type groups have been organized to worship the saints. In their efforts to be close to some of the holiest persons to ever walk the planet Christians have built temples and reliquaries to house the trappings and preserve the physical remains of many of the saints. In many cases bodies were exhumed and put under glass for display and worship. Saint John the Baptist’s skull is preserved in a golden platter reminiscent of modern day collection plates. Saint Catherine’s hand is kept in a box. There are enough splinters of the cross Christ was crucified on to build a decent sized ship.

I’m not denigrating Christian orthodoxy or dogma but the practice of putting saints, or the remains thereof, in a hermetically sealed vessel seems to be a bit morbid. Michael Jackson bought the remains of the Elephant Man where he now lies in stasis at Neverland Valley Ranch. Norman Bates kept his dead mother in a rocking chair in the attic. No one celebrates these two. Don’t forget to burp the lid as Saint Francis of Asisi is put on display. Some relics can even be found on Ebay, though hopefully not actual body parts. That would be just creepy.

I believe in God and Jesus Christ but c’mon people. Let the saints lie in peace.

Those kooky Christians.