Monday, November 15, 2004

Post election trauma

Now that we all have to suffer through four more years of Bush Jr., the political version of Revenge of the Nerds Part 2, people are now being diagnosed with what’s being referred to as “Post Election Selection Trauma”, or PEST. Florida psychologist Douglas Schooler has treated dozens with symptoms like insomnia, anxiety, and hyper tension. In fact, the Boca Raton based American Health Association has started a support group for sufferers of PEST. Many PEST victims are experiencing relapses from the 2000 presidential election.

In yet another feeble attempt to enlighten and educate I’ve done minutes of copious research into other election related illnesses.

Four More Years Phobia-characterized by night terrors, sweats, and an uncontrollable urge to vomit at the mere sight of a known Republican. There is no known cure.

Delusions of Adequacy-this most severe of known delusions dictates that the victim, typically a conservative, has the unfounded yet powerful notion that even a village idiot can be an effective president.

Plantaphobia-this ailment is characterized by the urge to nominate and support yet another potted plant to run for president. Only Democrats suffer from this insidious phobia and it was only discovered in the year 2000.

Wardrobe Based Turrets-an uncontrollable urge to shout or bark profanities and epithets at the sight of John Kerry in hunter’s camouflage or George Bush in a flight suit. A relatively new phenomenon, WBT was first diagnosed in Democrats after Michael Dukakis was shown in the turret of a tank during the 1988 presidential campaign. WBT is also characterized by uncontrollable fits of laughter, snorting, and bed wetting.

Phonicaphobia-sufferers of this dreaded illness are seemingly incapable of speaking in complete and intelligible sentences. George Bush is the most well known sufferer of phonicaphobia.

Hanging Chadism-an irrational fear of punch cards and voting machines. This malidy seems to be isolated in Florida and Ohio. The only known cure is to either relocate to a civilized state or burn Catherine Harris, Jeb Bush, and Karl Rove in effigy.

If you find yourself suffering from any of the afore mentioned symptoms, seek immediate psychiatric attention. I will do more research…perhaps at the next commercial break. Sportscenter is on.