Friday, December 07, 2007

Illegal immigration...the solution

As a self-proclaimed free thinker I pride myself on coming up with unique solutions to divisive issues. And no topic on the political landscape, save perhaps abortion and capital punishment, engenders the passion and fury as that of immigration. Yet this most discordant of issues is not without an amicable solution.

The United States shares the longest continuous border in the world with Canada, coincidentally the longest non-militarized border on Earth. But those kooky Canucks are staying on their side of the line so we’ll discuss this boundary at a later date…if ever.

The U.S.-Mexico border is the most traversed international boundary in the world, both in terms of legal and illegal crossings…fully 250,000,000 per year. 2,000 miles of border being treated like a hopscotch table, equating to 125,000 crossings per mile per year.

And illegal immigration has become the hot button topic of the upcoming presidential campaign.

So, in my continued effort to think outside the box whilst enlightening the masses as to my evil genius, I’ve devised a fool proof and egalitarian approach to stemming the tide of illegal crossings along our southern border.

The eastern half of the U.S.-Mexico border, the Rio Grand, travels 1,254 miles from just upstream from El Paso, Texas, to the Gulf of Mexico. Millions upon millions of illegal crossings occur along the Rio Grand every year.

Here’s how we deal with this part of the U.S.-Mexico border. We find a handful of the best zoologists and big game hunters in the country and send them on safari in Africa. We give them a ton of bait and tranquilizer darts and send them after the deadly Nile crocodile. These nasty reptiles can grow to eighteen feet in length and reach a weight of 2,000 pounds. They are one of the most efficient killing machines ever on earth, quite capable of devouring a human, and the bite of a Nile crocodile has been measured at 3,000 pounds per square inch. Our intrepid hunters and zoologists will trap thousands of those buggers and transport them to the Rio Grand. Then for added fun, we send a bunch of fishermen with big nets to the Amazon River in South America where they can catch thousands of the legendary piranhas. These blood thirsty fish can strip a capybara corpse of every ounce of flesh in twelve minutes.

The Rio will be transformed from a placid, gentle river to a tempest of teeth and bad attitudes.

Now that we’ve taken care of border security for Texas, we need to address the remaining 750 miles of land border. You are gonna love this…

You buy a ton of paint, day-glow orange, and clearly mark the rest of the border. You then create a ten mile buffer zone that is marked off in a giant grid, not unlike a giant bingo card. Throughout this zone you plant millions of landmines, and mark them…incorrectly. Now here is the kicker…you install video cameras every quarter mile and televise the festivities. People can bet on which square the unfortunate border jumpers land when they trip a mine. You call it “Immigration Bingo”.

Anyone that runs this gauntlet of border security is immediately issued an immigration visa and starts on the fast track to U.S. citizenship.

This solution is beautiful in its simplicity, cost effectiveness, and deterrent effect. It’s a win, win. It’s whimsical. It’s perfect.