Wednesday, December 28, 2005

2005 Awards

Movie of the year-this was a bad year for movies so if I’m forced to choose one I’ll go with March of the Penguins. Morgan Freeman’s narration lent a touch class to a compelling documentary about emperor penguins in Antarctica. I was cold just watching it.

TV moment of the year-never before has reality TV witnessed the unmitigated carnage seen on The Apprentice in week seven. Four people were canned as Donald Trump executed the first quadruple beheading in reality TV history. It was diabolical.

Biggest bonehead-a man in Seattle entered into a challenge with a friend to see who could dangle from a highway overpass the longest. But our intrepid adventurer was apparently too fatigued from his endurance trial too climb back up the bridge. He fell to his death on the busy highway below. Unfortunately the diesel barreling down the highway at 60mph broke his fall. A very close second goes to a man in Zimbabwe who tried to deter elephants from trampling his maize by absconding with some unexploded landmines found in a nearby field. The unstable mines predictably exploded killing the man instantly. The man was later buried in a shoebox.

Self aggrandizing moment of the year-why would Terrell Owens, or anyone else for that matter, hold an impromptu workout in his driveway? Oh, that’s right, to grovel for his job back. Life went from the sublime to the surreal as T.O. whisked off his shirt and did sit ups for the press throng gathered at his humble abode. And as we all know it’s common for professional athletes to workout in their driveways. Drew Rosenhaus was never far from Owens’ side as a public apology was issued for Terrell’s nature of being the biggest pain-in-the-ass in sports.

Slimey moment-the afore mentioned Drew Rosenhaus’ performance in said driveway. Rosenhaus had the nerve to claim that Owens was an unwitting victim of an autocratic Philadelphia Eagles regime. The look on Owens’ face was priceless. His expression was saying, “Even I couldn’t make this stuff up.” Drew Rosenhaus spins stuff so much his tongue could open a wine bottle.

Too late-University of Colorado for letting Gary Barnett hang on as head football coach eighteen months longer than was necessary or even proper. Barnett took a once glorious football program and turned it into a laughing stock. Watching the Buffs under Barnett’s expert leadership was like watching a fraternity intramural flag football team well into its second keg of Fat Tire. And we won’t even mention the allegations of sexual impropriety, recruiting violations, and mishandled money.

Game of the year-Notre Dame vs. Southern Cal…Brady Quinn had just led the Irish down the field to go up 31-28. The Irish faithful were going nuts. Things looked bleak for the defending national champs. Then Matt Lienart took over. After converting a forth & sixteen, a catch that went 61 yards to Wayne Jarrett, the Trojans had a chance. A sweep to Lienart around the left side was halted by the Irish D, the clock seemingly ran out, and the fans stormed the field. But wait! The ball popped out and the refs put three agonizing seconds back on the clock. The setting…ball on the one, three seconds left, undefeated season on the line…what do you do? Simple, run a sneak with Leinart, let Reggie Bush push him across the goal line, game over.

Stupid injury- Colorado Rockies shortstop and Rookie of the Year candidate Clint Barmes, who was hitting .325 with 34 RBI’s and eight home runs, was walking up a flight of stairs with groceries in tow when he fell and broke his collar bone. It was later divulged that he was hauling deer meat up to his apartment when gravity intervened and turned Barmes from the front runner for ROY to a punch line.

Comeback of the year-on Septmber 15, 2001 race car driver Alex Zanardi was involved in a gruesome accident in a race at Germany’s Lausiztring Euro Speedway near Brandenburg. Zanardi’s career was over as both his legs were severed above the knee. But Zanardi never gave up. Fitted with prosthetic legs Zanardi rehabbed and made his return to racing in 2004. In 2005 he won his first race since losing his legs in ’01.

Sexiest woman-hmmmmmm, where to begin. Jennifer Garner was deliciously delectable in 2005 but she loses points for hanging out with that tool Ben Affleck. Jennifer Anniston turned into a whiney pain. Angelina Jolie is a freak. So this award goes to the incomparable, the sultry, the sublime Jessica Alba. Watching her in a skin tight super hero outfit in The Fantastic Four was like looking at fine art. Honorable mention goes to: Selma Hayek, Naomi Watts, Teri Hatcher, Eva Mendes, and Nicole Kidman.

Sexiest newscaster-I did a countdown of the sexiest newscasters back in May. My numero uno was Trich Regan with CNN and I see no reason to change my mind now. There are several others worth mentioning…Heather Nauert FOX, Laurie Dhue FOX, Brooke Anderson CNN, Megyn Kendal FOX, Melissa Stark MSNBC, Kiran Chetry FOX.

Ewwwwwwwww-a man near Seattle was charged in the death of another who allegedly trespassed on his farm to have sex with his horses. The trespasser died as a result of injuries from intercourse with the unsuspecting equine quadruped.

Evil personafide-a little league baseball coach was arrested after he instructed one of his players to deliberately injure a retarded kid on the same team. Seems the coach was tired of watching the disabled kid fumble around on the field so he told another boy to hit the kid with a bat. This guy’s destiny is sealed…see you in hell.

This has been the best & worst of 2005. Hope you enjoyed your stay.