Thursday, June 28, 2007

What a long strange trip it's been...

This spiel will make you weep and laugh at the poetic irony that has befallen yours truly.

I just now got home from a little unexpected vacation. Where was his Shrubbiness taken pray tell? You guessed it, my favorite local hospital for treatment on an infected right leg. What did the battery of docs recommend…amputation. Woo hoo, I’m now but two arms away from becoming the dreaded Black Night. All you Monty Python fans are issuing a collective guffaw. Those who don’t get the reference just watch The Holy Grail.

Holy shit, now I’m feverishly scoping out my arms for the slightest blemish.

Just when I thought that I had heard every amputation joke contrived about having one leg I now must acclimate to two stump humor.

Now, my top ten moments from my most recent hospital stay…

10. Three hours in the ER waiting room followed by eight hours in my trauma room then followed by a bumpy ride to my cozy room on the ward where the welcome site of IV dilauded on tap filled me with warm fuzziness.

9. Watching the booty on every damn nurse in the ER…that is one collection of fine women.

8. The look on the anesthesiologists face when I quipped right before my latest amputation, “You got anything stronger dude?”

7. The look on my orthopedist’s face when I quipped right after my surgery, “Are my arms still attached?”

6. Everything about rapping with Al. The guy is a national treasure.

5. Watching the looks on the nurses’ faces as I planned a party to celebrate my amputation that featured turkey legs, chicken drumsticks, and frog legs. Alas, no one delivers frog legs.

4. Arguing for three straight days with the residents that my oral pain meds were about as effective as cleaning up a radio active landfill with oven mits…the shit didn’t work. At one point I was literally crying in front of a doctor who showed all the compassion of Ed Gein over a pot of soup.

3. Finally getting my necessary IV pain meds…God love those chemists.

2. Watching shitty television with that stupid little speaker by your head.

1. Getting the fuck out of that place…two out of the last three visits resulted in a limb getting lopped off, so you’ll understand if I bid your facility a not-so-fond fairwell.