The Apocalypse draweth near?

The Bible says, “The revelation of Jesus Christ which God gave unto Him, to show unto his servants things which must shortly come to pass” Revelations 1:1. Scholars and theologians disagree as to whether or not there truly are seven signs that will precede the end of the Earth as we know it. Saint John wrote in Revelations that occurrences such as ugly and painful sores, lifeless seas, the shedding of blood, scorching by the sun, darkness, deserts, and an earthquake like none other will foreshadow the riding of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse thus bringing the end of days.

As the end of the world supposedly draws near I have come up with seven new signs of Armageddon, the final battle between good and evil, and the modern-day Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.

The new Seven Signs:

1. He opened the first seal and Jennifer Lopez stayed married longer than two months.
2. He opened the second seal and Sylvester Stallone starred in Hamlet.
3. He opened the third seal and Roseanne Barr developed anorexia.
4. He opened the fourth seal and Koby Bryant & Shaq sat down, broke bread, and shared a pitcher of Fat Tire.
5. He opened the fifth seal and behold, Anna Nicole Smith could do linear algebra.
6. He opened the sixth seal and Donald Trump’s hair was meticulously styled in modern fashion.
7. He opened the seventh seal and the L.A. Clippers won the NBA Championship, the Arizona Cardinals won the Super Bowl, and the Chicago Cubs played the Boston Red Sox in the World Series.

The new Four Horsemen:

1. Behold a rider on a white horse for his name is Andy Gibb and he wields an 8-track tape player bringing a plague upon the world of bad disco…again.
2. Behold a rider on a red horse for his name is George Bush Jr. wielding a dictionary with blank pages and he bringeth a pestilence of bad grammar and poor speaking skills.
3. Behold a rider on a black horse for his name is Martha Stewart and HE wieldeth a lace doily ushering in a famine of tasteful decorating, except in federal prisons.
4. Behold a rider on a pale and sickly horse for his name is Bob Sagget and he bringeth about the death of comedy.

If any of these prophetic sings should come to fruition you had better gather your women and children and head for the hills for the end of the world is nigh.