Thursday, September 30, 2004

The Apprentice watch

I’ve done some things in my life I’m not proud of but I find myself powerless against the insidious lure of The Apprentice, Donald Trump’s tribute and shrine to megalomania. This show features eighteen power hungry personalities vying for a prestigious position along side the Donald and his nasty ass hair. So as my contribution to the mind numbing world of reality television I bring you a weekly feature known as The Apprentice watch.

Let’s briefly recap the first three weeks. Episode number one featured the dismissal of a lifeless lump known as Rob. He contributed as much to his team as Tanya Harding has to sportsmanship. In week two, Bradford, an early season favorite to win the whole thing, gave up his immunity in a foolish act of macho bravado. Bradford stuck out his neck and Trump summarily lopped it off with almost perverse pleasure. Week three saw the two teams charged with marketing toothpaste. The girls lost and Elizabeth, Maria, and Stacie J were subjected to the dreaded weekly board room carnage. At this point it was revealed that Stacie J was a complete whack job and she was shown the door. Three down and fourteen to go until Trump finds his new lackey.

Let me make a couple quick observations before we recap this week’s festivities. Caroline, Trump’s left hand, is ruthless. Her stare is cold enough to freeze molten lava. I normally am not one to shrink from confrontation but if I were face to face with Caroline I would whimper and soil myself. Also, if Donald Trump commands a multi billion dollar empire why can he not find a single decent hair stylist? Is he invested in Aquanet? His hair looks like he spilled lacquer on his head. The Donald possesses the worst comb over in human history. Go bald with dignity man!

Week four featured both teams squaring off in a culinary duel. Team Apex and Team Mosaic were given the daunting task of starting a restaurant and had to earn the best reviews. Apex had Jennifer C. as project leader while Mosaic was headed up by Raj. Jenn C. immediately took control and chose a cuisine, theme, and delegated duties. Raj absorbed the suggestions of his team and went with an Italian style bistro (Italian food in New York…shocker). Decked out in their finest, Apex plastered their establishment in post modern uppity décor yet churned out excellent food. Mosaic went for a more low key approach with top of the line cuisine. At one point Apex was confronted with a table with two ladies who said the restaurant was stark. Jenn C. took issue and voiced her frustration about the two “old Jewish bat ladies” who dared impugn the atmosphere of her establishment. Stacy R., who just happens to be Jewish, overheard and let Jenn C. have it. Meanwhile, Mosaic kicked booty and got rave reviews thus sending Apex to the dreaded board room. Jennifer, as project leader selected, surprise, Stacy R. and the mousey Elizabeth to accompany her to television’s version of the French guillotine. Jennifer acted belligerent and constantly interrupted Bill, Caroline, and the Don himself. Off came Jennifer’s head and week four drew to an end.