Wednesday, April 13, 2005

Cats should be hunt

This from the Associated Press…

MADISON, Wisconsin (AP) -- Although Wisconsin residents have voiced their
support for a plan to legalize wild cat hunting, some legislators and cat lovers
say they will continue their fight.

The proposal would allow licensed hunters to kill free-roaming cats,
including any domestic cat that isn't under the owner's direct control or any
cat without a collar, just like skunks or gophers -- something the Humane
Society of the United States has described as cruel and archaic.

Outdoor enthusiasts approved the proposal 6,830 to 5,201 at Monday's
spring hearings of the Wisconsin Conservation Congress, a citizens' advisory

The results, released Tuesday by the state, get forwarded to the
Natural Resources Board for its consideration. Ultimately, though, any measure
would have to be passed by the Legislature and signed by Gov. Jim Doyle.

Two state senators -- Scott Fitzgerald and Neil Kedzie -- are promising
they'll do everything they can to keep the plan from becoming law.

Kedzie, who chairs the Natural Resources and Transportation Committee,
called the issue "a distraction from the main tasks we have at hand."

"I don't see a whole lot of momentum for it," Kedzie said. "It's not
the responsibility of the DNR to regulate cats."

Fitzgerald, co-chairman of the Legislature's powerful Joint Finance
Committee, said he will "work against any proposed legislation to legalize the
shooting of feral cats."

At least two other upper Midwestern states, South Dakota and Minnesota,
allow wild cats to be shot -- and have for decades…

This is the best news I’ve heard in months! Any policy that would speed up the eradication of those disgusting and evil creatures I’m all for.

So in the spirit of the hunt I’ve got an idea that will take this a step further.

Recently the Brits outlawed the time honored tradition of the fox hunt and the last such ritualistic gathering took place several weeks ago. So now there are literally thousands of fox hunting enthusiasts in Britain who are being deprived of what was once a right of passage.

A friend of mine has a huge parcel of land in southern Wisconsin. It is a large tract in the heart of farm country complete with rolling hills, dense forest, ponds, the whole smack.

My idea was to open up the land, for a fee of course, and have organized cat hunts complete with horses, bugles & beagles, or beagles & bugles, guns, hounds, and whatever else that is required. Then, you build a hotel reminiscent of an old English farm house where the intrepid cat hunters can stay and drink. After all, they’re British and they’re going to drink. You also set up a travel agency and charge those limeys an exorbitant price for the privilege of flying them “across the pond” so they can dress up in their fancy clothes, stupid boots, and equally stupid hats and shoot cats to their British heart’s delight.

Here’s where the real money starts flowing in. Since the Brits are notorious for the pomposity and their equally horrid dental hygiene you use these two facets of their personalities to your advantage. You decorate the hotel with pictures of beautiful people with immaculate teeth. Also, you only make channels available on the TV’s in the rooms that feature the same beautiful people with the same beautiful teeth. So the BBC or any other British network is unavailable. This plays upon the classic British arrogance. To take advantage of this sudden impulse for good teeth you set up an orthodontic and dental practice at the hotel. The Brits, in their continuing quest to demonstrate their eternal superiority, will almost assuredly flock en masse to dentist’s chair and will presumably also seek orthodontic care as the average British smile features teeth that look like an off white picket fence built by Stevie Wonder. And since proper orthodontic care requires monthly check ups and adjustments for two years think of the money to be made. Monthly checks require monthly trips here to the US, which requires use of our travel agency, which could parlay into monthly cat hunts, which leads to fewer cats. This plan is beautiful in its simplicity.

Now personally I think those fox hunting outfits look like the wardrobe for La Cage aux Folles but who am I to judge. I also think the practice of riding down a small, four legged animal while riding on a large, four legged animal capable of speeds in excess of 40mph a bit unsporting but, once again, who am I to judge. I’m strictly in this for the money and to hasten the demise of an animal that’s better off being made into a cheap coat than peeing outside my deck and making my shrubs smell like a landfill.

I’m sitting on a gold mine. I just know it.