Saturday, April 16, 2005

Solutions redux

As we Democrats lick our wounds after Tuesday, November 2, 2004, I’ve come up with solutions to some of the most divisive issues of our time. Enjoy!

Flag burning-make the American flag out of non-flammable material. Flag burners will find all efforts to torch the Stars & Stripes utterly futile. Perhaps they should coat the flag in asbestos.

Abortion-medical science should come up with a way to genetically graft armor onto the human fetus. The unborn will be impervious to all physical damage.

Gay marriage-outlaw the institution of marriage. This antiquated ceremony is largely symbolic. Besides, who wants to watch crazy aunt Marge dance to the chicken polka?

The war in Iraq-outlaw bullets world wide. Guns aren’t nearly as effective without projectiles speeding out the barrel at a thousand feet per second.

Terrorism-let’s have a giant house party in Cabo San Lucas. It’s clear that guys like Osama bin Laden and Abu Musab al-Zarqawi haven’t gotten laid or drunk in a long time. Maybe if they hook up they’ll be more willing to just chill. I bet Paris Hilton would be willing to “entertain”.

Death penalty-put all those on death row in a tiny hamlet in rural Kansas and let visiting extra terrestrials anally probe them to their alien heart’s delight. Put it on Pay-Per-View and make a fortune that would go to buying Hostess out of bankruptcy so they’ll make more Twinkies.

Euthanasia-simple, allow old people into Asia too. Get it? Oh, I’m so damn clever.

The economy-make Monopoly money legal tender. Not only will the sales of this nation’s most popular board game sky rocket the average American will suddenly have zero debt and enough pocket cash to buy a Hummer. I’m sitting on close to fifty grand in my closet as we speak. And a 60” plasma screen TV will look sweet on my wall.

Education-one sure way to save money is teach sex-ed and driver training in the same car.

Taxes-abolish all taxes and let the government raise money by holding a bake sale where they can peddle their pastries for five thousand Monopoly bucks a pop and a chance to throw a softball at the politician-of-your-choice dunking tank. A successful throw would drop the poor guys/gals into a vat of raw sewage. They’ll be fine. After all, s**t floats.

Immigration-fill the Rio Grande with fifteen-foot long crocodiles. Anyone who makes it across deserves citizenship. For the Arizona-California border, lay a mile wide patch of land mines and mark them. But put the markers in the wrong spot. Then space cameras every quarter mile and record the hilarity. As for the Canadian border, who cares, they’re basically America Light anyway.

You see, there are easy solutions to incredibly contentious issues if you just think hard enough.