Wednesday, May 18, 2005

Survival kit

In my continued attempt to enlighten I’ve come up with ten rules for surviving any horror movie.

1. Never get naked or have sex. The nude frolicking sex pots are ALWAYS the first to die.
2. Never go in the basement. The cellar of any house o’ horrors is invariably the nest of the blood thirsty psychopath bent on human misery.
3. Don’t run backwards. How many scared nymphets have we seen run backwards through the woods at night? Idiots! Which brings me to…
4. Don’t go out into the dark foreboding woods at night. If you do you’ll be dead in two minutes.
5. Subscribe to the Henry Fonda workout plan of “Lie down and be quiet” for the duration of your stay at Crystal Lake. Find a nice crawl space, storm cellar, or secluded storage area and nap until the spawn of Satan has killed to his heart’s content.
6. Take a valium. We all know it’s nearly impossible to think when your heart is pounding so fast you can’t hear your own inner dialogue. The impulse of “Get the f**k out of the house” is drowned out by the thumping of your heart. If you’re all wazed out your heart will beat nice and slowly thereby allowing you to react to the panicky inner voice.
7. If you find a severed head in the toilet or a body nailed up across a door frame resist the impulse to warn your friends of impending doom. Just run like hell.
8. If you run into a crazy, overall wearing, front teeth missing, grease stained red neck sitting on a porch of some rotted out back woods hillbilly haven turn your vehicle around and proceed immediately to the nearest Starbucks.
9. Don’t go in the water!
10. The last and possibly most important rule is always, ALWAYS, drive a properly maintained vehicle. How many senseless deaths could have been prevented if people wouldn’t drive these POS’s up into the mountains?

You see, escaping the clutches of a denizen of evil is really simple if you just obey the rules.