If only Frankie were here...

He'd sing my new balad inspired by a certain student at the University of Florida...ladies and gentlemen, I give you TASERS IN THE NIGHT

Tasers in the night
Delivering ‘lectric shocks
Wondering who the hell in the night
Oh it was the UF cops

Something in your hand was so frightening
Something in your hand made me ride the lightning
Something in your hand
Dropped my ass to the floor

Tasers in the night, two metal prongs
We felt the tasers in the night
At that moment
When the security grabbed me
I knew the feel of electricity
Jail was just a glance away
As a jolt made me wanna pee

Ever since that morning not too long ago
When I pled, “Don’t tase me bro”
It turned out not right
With that taser in the night

Monday hilarity

I’d like to be able to jam a stick up the neighbor dog’s ass and use that yapping little bastard as a dust mop.

I’d like to use a cat as a chamois when my van gets waxed.

I wish someone would pay me to look up porn…I’d be a freakin’ billionaire.

The Dachshund, Chihuahua, Pug, Pomeranian, Whippet, and the Hairless Terrier are all the product of dog breeding experiments gone awry. Can a dachshund climb the stairs with an erection? If you plant a Chihuahua in the ground eight weeks later a Great Dane pops up. If you kick a Pug in the nuts his eyes will shoot out of its skull. If you get a Pomeranian wet it will disappear. I had a friend who got pulled over by the police because her Whippet was causing an obstructed view…you could hang that thing from the mirror. The Hairless Terrier looks like a poodle dipped in Nair. If

Two gimps, both quadriplegic, one girl and one guy, are in bed together. The girl looks at the guy and asks, “Was it good for you?” The guy replies, “How the fuck would I know!”

What do you call a quadriplegic in a bath tub? Stu
In a pool? Bob
On a horse? Buck
Behind a speed boat? Skip
On a hill? Cliff
On a pile of leaves? Russell
In a hole? Phil.
In a mail box? Bill
On the wall? Art
In front of a door? Matt.
In a church? Neal
In a strip club? Barrett
At a cemetery? Barry
In a lettuce patch? Caesar
On a beach? Sandy
In a wheel barrow? Carrie
At a poker Table? Chance
More to come…

Rumor has it the lights of the Wal-Mart signs contain mind altering gamma rays that render millions helpless against the lure of shitty products sold by bitter people suffering through the acrimony of minimum wage and pigeon English.

Ever stop and think what it would have been like to look up and see Wonder Woman flying across the sky in her clear jet? Her weapon was the Lasso of Truth. Had yours truly been tied up by that lasso I would have gleefully admitted, “Yes, I love looking at your boobs! And I masturbate frequently to your picture. I’d eat the corn out of your excrement and gargle with your bath water. I’ll douche you with my saliva. Please spank me, I’m a naughty boy.” With her red leather boots and tasteful attire you get where the hookers of the world got the idea for clear heals and skimpy clothes.

Deconstructing the war in Iraq

As a patriot and staunch supporter of our troops I can no longer sit idly by as the current President and Congress of the United States continues to put those young men & women in harm’s way.

Now, since we invaded Iraq over four years ago debating the rationale for the war is somewhat a moot point. But what’s not moot is the wisdom of keeping the troops there. A recent opinion poll in Iraq showed that 85-87% of Iraqis want us to pull out our armed forces in a year and 47% want us gone now. According to a March 2007 poll of 2000 Iraqis conducted by the BBC , 51% of the population consider attacks on coalition forces "acceptable," up from 17% in 2004 and 35% in 2006; 64% described their family's economic situation as being somewhat or very bad, up from 30% in 2005; 88% described the availability of electricity as being either somewhat or very bad, up from 65% in 2004; 69% described the availability of clean water as somewhat or very bad, up from 48% in 2004; 88% described the availability of fuel for cooking and driving as being somewhat or very bad; 58% described reconstruction efforts in the area in which they live as either somewhat or very ineffective, and 9% described them as being totally nonexistent. So I ask, why are we still maintaining a military presence in Iraq?

When the so-called escalation/surge reaches its goal fully 180,000 troops will be stationed in Iraq, a country of 437,000 square miles, roughly the size of Texas, Oklahoma, and New Mexico combined. During the Vietnam War, our largest troop commitment was 1.2 million in a country with 362,000 square miles, roughly the size of Montana and Wyoming combined. Only 189,000 are deployed now in the combat zones of Iraq and Afghanistan. Even the post-surge troop levels will be inadequate. In 1998 U.S. Marine General Anthony Zinni estimated a full-scale invasion of Iraq would require 400,000 soldiers and Army Chief Of Staff General Eric Shinseki stated before a Senate Armed Services Committee in February of 2003 that an invasion force should number “several hundred thousand.” Our leaders in Washington are trying a nation building experiment on two fronts with a skeleton crew.

Historically nation building is successful barely 25% of the time and never if the U.S. is making the attempt, and prolonged occupation has an even more dismal track record. Even Rudyard Kipling warned of the dangers of such a practice in his poem “The White Man’s Burden”. This is the French concept of “Noblesse Obglige”, literally means nobility obligates. Via such a theory our station as a civilized and affluent nation obliges us to help the impoverished nations. It is the whole Spider Manesque, “with great power comes great responsibility” thing.

To this I say, “Bullshit!” It is neither this nation’s duty nor its responsibility to install democracy around the globe. Nor is it our duty to wade into a humanitarian nightmare like a knight on a white horse and save humanity. We are not the arbiters of morality for the entire globe. If this were the case we’d be occupying Sudan/Darfur, the same country that incidentally/allegedly sold uranium to Iraq.

Now, there are those on both sides of the isle that would have us prolong our military presence in Iraq indefinitely. Some on the left contend it is our moral obligation to stay since we were dumb enough to invade in the first place. Some on the right, especially Bush’s supporters, contend that the power vacuum created by our departure would create chaos and lead to the slaughter of innocents as well as open the door for a terrorist regime or other occupying force.

They’re both wrong.

Our primary moral obligation lay in protecting our sovereignty as a nation. And since Iraq and the surrounding nations pose little threat to our nation status our troops need not be there. So far our government has spent over $400 billion on the war with $50 billion more coming from Congress. This in addition to the potentially $600 billion tab to rehabilitate the wounded. The total cost from four years of occupation is potentially $1,000,000,000,000 with 3,700 dead and 8,100 wounded. This exorbitant cost with little to show in the way of accomplished objectives (I know Sadam Hussein is now in our custody) seems to be prohibitively steep, especially when you consider the zero level threat Iraq poses to our sovereignty.

By far the most numerous and vociferous supporters of a continuation of the War in Iraq are from the Republican Party and their supporters, most of whom fancy themselves right wingers. One of their theories in support of the U.S. staying to prevent a power vacuum is the parallel analogy of our departure from Vietnam and the subsequent genocide in Cambodia as a direct consequence of a “cut and run” policy. This analogy is specious. The Khmer Rouge rose to power in the late 1960’s, due in no small part to Richard Nixon’s decision to suspend economic aid to Cambodia in 1973 and the flawed bombing campaign between 1965-73 that targeted rural areas and fostered resentment among the peasants who constituted the bulk of Khmer Rouge membership. Additionally, the Cambodian Civil War started in 1967 and contributed greatly to the ascendancy of Pol Pot and his Khmer Empire. The seeds for the Killing Fields were planted well before our withdrawal from Vietnam in 1975 and to suggest otherwise is a display of historical ignorance.

The war supporters from the right also contend that withdrawal from Iraq will lead to the ascendancy of a terrorist state the likes of which has never been seen. This contention is plausible but unlikely. The most likely scenario following our troop withdrawal would be years of civil war between the Sunnis, Shiites, and Kurds. Iran would undoubtedly stoke the fires of acrimony and possibly install a puppet regime after the fog of war lifted, thus taking advantage of their economic superiority and military strength. Iran would then become the dominant force in the Middle East. But this scenario hardly portends to the destruction of our nation. Yes, terrorism in this country would escalate but not at the expense of our independence. Even if Iraq were to become a haven for terrorists that dry parcel would still not be the den of evil that Indonesia, Pakistan, China, North Korea, Saudi Arabia, Chile, Libya, and Russia have become. We ally ourselves with Pakistan, the very nation who sold nuclear technology to North Korea and ignore their long established dalliances in state sponsored terror, we turn a blind eye to China’s subjugation of its own people and Tibet, we conveniently forget that the 9/11 conspirators were all Saudi nationals, and we continue relations with Russia despite their interference in foreign elections and Putin’s dissolution of Russian Parliament. But somehow in the eyes of many Iraq still constitutes now and forever the clearest and most present danger to our nation status.

I cannot in clear conscience support a doomed foreign policy and a flawed war effort. The troops on the ground in Iraq are impossibly brave men and women fighting a war that their leaders in Washington seem utterly incapable of planning for or executing properly. If you leave our best and bravest their for the foreseeable future give them the resources necessary to be successful; escalate our troop count in the region by at least 250,000, finish the job in Iraq before even contemplating war with Iran, give the soldiers the proper equipment and logistical support necessary, and stop trying to fight the war from half a globe away. If those in Washington aren’t prepared to do all those things then we need to bring our troops home…now.

The tangled webs we weave...

As a purveyor of the ridiculous I naturally gravitate towards researching various conspiracy theories, just for shits & giggles. So, in my journey through the Internet I stumbled upon some choice wing nuts, you know, those guys that believed the movie Signs was a documentary.

One such loon was David Icke. This Twinkie has forwarded some truly mind boggling theories.

Among his theories is a belief in the Illuminati. This theory states that there are approximately 300 individuals who run global dealings, the hand that rocks the throne. These enterprising few are descendent from an Enlightenment group from late 18th Century Bavaria and may be direct heirs of Charlemagne. Their organization, the so-called “New World Order” rules global political and economic affairs from a western hemisphere headquarters six stories beneath Denver International Airport and an unknown eastern headquarters. I guess the trippy ass murals at DIA are the hallmark of the NOW, along with the “All Seeing Eye” on the American $1 bill. Apparently this organization is planning to install one global government through a series of tactical assassinations and political, military, and economic shit storms.

Wait, this gets better. Somewhere around 1990 Icke had a medium, some loon named Betty Shine, tell him he was sent to heal the world. His experience was so far out even the Green Party disavowed their association with Icke. Then in 1991 Icke stated, “I am a channel for the Christ spirit. The title was given to me very recently by the Godhead.” He later claimed to be the son of God, not in the literal sense but in the part of a collective fashion. His qualifier came too late as his reputation was inalterably tarnished.

Oh yes, the story is far from over. After his ignominious fall from grace Icke began forwarding yet another theory. His Illuminati theory was to get even loopier. According to Icke some members of the Global Elite are actually sentient lizard people from the constellation Draco. These “Prison Warders” can assume human form because their DNA allows them to shape shift and they’ve cross bred with humans, and if they consume human blood they can freely walk amongst us. Lizard folk include Hillary Clinton, George H. W. Bush, Queen Elizabeth, Tony Blair, Kris Kristofferson, and Boxcar Willie. Who knew the 1980’s mini-series V was a documentary.

Then there’s the equally outlandish theories of Milton William Cooper. According to Cooper a race of aliens made a treaty with the governments of earth to help squelch knowledge of and witnesses to alien activity here on our planet, the omnipotent alien “His Highness Krill” teleported here to earth to negotiate the treaty. This event spawned the Cold War because the aliens violated the treaty thus forcing the U.S. and U.S.S.R. to collaborate and arm themselves to the teeth to dissuade the pesky aliens from attacking.

Other conspiracy theories forwarded by individuals like Alex Jones hypothesize that the Bilderberg Group, the Tri-lateral Commission, the Protocols of the Elders of Zion, Black Helicopters, Skull & Bones, Scroll & Key, Area 51, TWA Flight 800, Bohemian Grove, and a host of other historical schemes portend the existence of a vast shadow network of tyrannical despots bent on global domination.

Now, I’m not dismissive of the more tenable theories like TWA Flight 800 and the assassination of John F. Kennedy but the premise that a close knit inner sanctum of global elites are running the global show is just cuckoo. By right, in order to pull off such an intricate and vast conspiracy one must endow the perpetrators with super-human intelligence and talent. Hence the lizard alien constructs. Even the Icke’s of this world know that humans are neither smart nor discrete enough to execute and conceal such a plan for centuries. That’s why the Jews don’t rule the world nor do the heirs of Charlemagne, the Knights Templar, the Free Masons, or the Catholic Church. If I’m wrong and one or more of these groups is truly the world’s puppet masters then I say, “Good show!”, because they’ve managed to do what nearly every human has wanted to do…control the world.

I must go now…the Omnipotent Krill is calling.

Week 1 pick 'em results

Denver over Buffalo-w
New England over the Jets-w
Philly over Green Bay-l
Jacksonville over Tennessee-l
Texans over KC-w
Rams over Carolina-l
Washington over Miami-w
Vikings over Falcons-w
Steelers over Browns-w
Lions over Raiders-w
Seattle over Tampa-w
Chargers over da Bears-w
Cowboys over Giants-w
Cincy over Baltimore...maybe-w
49ers over Arizona-w

Record--12-3...bwahahahahaha...bow infidels

Now this week's predictions...
Pittsburgh over Buffalo
Jacksonville over Atlanta
Colts big over Tennessee
Packers over Giants
Carolina over Texans
Rams over 49ers
Cincy big over Cleveland
Saints over Bucs
Dallas huge over Miami
Detroit over Minnesota
Seattle over Arizona
Chicago over KC
Baltimore over the Jets
Denver big over Oakland
Philly over Washington
GAME OF THE WEEK...Patriots in a squeeker over San Diego

Now, if you want to challenge yours truly just post your picks in the comments.

Don't talk to me...

THE NFL SEASON IS ABOUT TO START!

GO BRONCOS!!!

Now, as a public service to my peeps I, your insufferable host, will be engaging in a weekly pick 'em ecercise each week. My Week 1 picks are...

Denver over Buffalo
New England over the Jets
Philly over Green Bay
Jacksonville over Tennessee
Texans over KC
Rams over Carolina
Washington over Miami
Vikings over Falcons
Steelers over Browns
Lions over Raiders
Seattle over Tampa
Chargers over da Bears
Cowboys over Giants
Cincy over Baltimore...maybe
49ers over Arizona

I will post my picks on Tuesday or Wednesday every week. Feel free to post your own picks in the comments. I'll tally the results each week and the winner at the end of the year gets coveted bragging rights over yours truly.