Monday, September 17, 2007

Monday hilarity

I’d like to be able to jam a stick up the neighbor dog’s ass and use that yapping little bastard as a dust mop.

I’d like to use a cat as a chamois when my van gets waxed.

I wish someone would pay me to look up porn…I’d be a freakin’ billionaire.

The Dachshund, Chihuahua, Pug, Pomeranian, Whippet, and the Hairless Terrier are all the product of dog breeding experiments gone awry. Can a dachshund climb the stairs with an erection? If you plant a Chihuahua in the ground eight weeks later a Great Dane pops up. If you kick a Pug in the nuts his eyes will shoot out of its skull. If you get a Pomeranian wet it will disappear. I had a friend who got pulled over by the police because her Whippet was causing an obstructed view…you could hang that thing from the mirror. The Hairless Terrier looks like a poodle dipped in Nair. If

Two gimps, both quadriplegic, one girl and one guy, are in bed together. The girl looks at the guy and asks, “Was it good for you?” The guy replies, “How the fuck would I know!”

What do you call a quadriplegic in a bath tub? Stu
In a pool? Bob
On a horse? Buck
Behind a speed boat? Skip
On a hill? Cliff
On a pile of leaves? Russell
In a hole? Phil.
In a mail box? Bill
On the wall? Art
In front of a door? Matt.
In a church? Neal
In a strip club? Barrett
At a cemetery? Barry
In a lettuce patch? Caesar
On a beach? Sandy
In a wheel barrow? Carrie
At a poker Table? Chance
More to come…

Rumor has it the lights of the Wal-Mart signs contain mind altering gamma rays that render millions helpless against the lure of shitty products sold by bitter people suffering through the acrimony of minimum wage and pigeon English.

Ever stop and think what it would have been like to look up and see Wonder Woman flying across the sky in her clear jet? Her weapon was the Lasso of Truth. Had yours truly been tied up by that lasso I would have gleefully admitted, “Yes, I love looking at your boobs! And I masturbate frequently to your picture. I’d eat the corn out of your excrement and gargle with your bath water. I’ll douche you with my saliva. Please spank me, I’m a naughty boy.” With her red leather boots and tasteful attire you get where the hookers of the world got the idea for clear heals and skimpy clothes.