The tangled webs we weave...

As a purveyor of the ridiculous I naturally gravitate towards researching various conspiracy theories, just for shits & giggles. So, in my journey through the Internet I stumbled upon some choice wing nuts, you know, those guys that believed the movie Signs was a documentary.

One such loon was David Icke. This Twinkie has forwarded some truly mind boggling theories.

Among his theories is a belief in the Illuminati. This theory states that there are approximately 300 individuals who run global dealings, the hand that rocks the throne. These enterprising few are descendent from an Enlightenment group from late 18th Century Bavaria and may be direct heirs of Charlemagne. Their organization, the so-called “New World Order” rules global political and economic affairs from a western hemisphere headquarters six stories beneath Denver International Airport and an unknown eastern headquarters. I guess the trippy ass murals at DIA are the hallmark of the NOW, along with the “All Seeing Eye” on the American $1 bill. Apparently this organization is planning to install one global government through a series of tactical assassinations and political, military, and economic shit storms.

Wait, this gets better. Somewhere around 1990 Icke had a medium, some loon named Betty Shine, tell him he was sent to heal the world. His experience was so far out even the Green Party disavowed their association with Icke. Then in 1991 Icke stated, “I am a channel for the Christ spirit. The title was given to me very recently by the Godhead.” He later claimed to be the son of God, not in the literal sense but in the part of a collective fashion. His qualifier came too late as his reputation was inalterably tarnished.

Oh yes, the story is far from over. After his ignominious fall from grace Icke began forwarding yet another theory. His Illuminati theory was to get even loopier. According to Icke some members of the Global Elite are actually sentient lizard people from the constellation Draco. These “Prison Warders” can assume human form because their DNA allows them to shape shift and they’ve cross bred with humans, and if they consume human blood they can freely walk amongst us. Lizard folk include Hillary Clinton, George H. W. Bush, Queen Elizabeth, Tony Blair, Kris Kristofferson, and Boxcar Willie. Who knew the 1980’s mini-series V was a documentary.

Then there’s the equally outlandish theories of Milton William Cooper. According to Cooper a race of aliens made a treaty with the governments of earth to help squelch knowledge of and witnesses to alien activity here on our planet, the omnipotent alien “His Highness Krill” teleported here to earth to negotiate the treaty. This event spawned the Cold War because the aliens violated the treaty thus forcing the U.S. and U.S.S.R. to collaborate and arm themselves to the teeth to dissuade the pesky aliens from attacking.

Other conspiracy theories forwarded by individuals like Alex Jones hypothesize that the Bilderberg Group, the Tri-lateral Commission, the Protocols of the Elders of Zion, Black Helicopters, Skull & Bones, Scroll & Key, Area 51, TWA Flight 800, Bohemian Grove, and a host of other historical schemes portend the existence of a vast shadow network of tyrannical despots bent on global domination.

Now, I’m not dismissive of the more tenable theories like TWA Flight 800 and the assassination of John F. Kennedy but the premise that a close knit inner sanctum of global elites are running the global show is just cuckoo. By right, in order to pull off such an intricate and vast conspiracy one must endow the perpetrators with super-human intelligence and talent. Hence the lizard alien constructs. Even the Icke’s of this world know that humans are neither smart nor discrete enough to execute and conceal such a plan for centuries. That’s why the Jews don’t rule the world nor do the heirs of Charlemagne, the Knights Templar, the Free Masons, or the Catholic Church. If I’m wrong and one or more of these groups is truly the world’s puppet masters then I say, “Good show!”, because they’ve managed to do what nearly every human has wanted to do…control the world.

I must go now…the Omnipotent Krill is calling.