Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Testicle Tuesday...the Charmed ones

Everyone has their own guilty pleasure television habits. Mine happen to be The Real World on MTV, The Apprentice, and Charmed. Wanna know a big reason why I like Charmed, just scroll down knuckleheads.

Shannon Doherty gained initial fame on Beverly Hills 90210, then followed by turning into a nightclub bunny who's take swings at anyone. Then she starred on Charmed before they killed off her character. RIP Pru.

As Doherty's erstwhile replacement Rose McGowan spiced up the show with her own unique brand of hotness. She gained infamy by accompanying Marylin Manson to the Oscars dressed only in dental floss, God love her and her curves.

Allysa Milano was a most revered child actress on Who's the Boss, then later dropped her top on numerous occasions before her role as Pheobe. Good golly she's just smokin' hot.

Believe it or not my favorite Charmed girl is Piper, a.k.a. Holly Marie Combs. I always thought she was a gorgeous witch but then I saw some of her pics. Whoa, if she isn't yummy.

Saturday, February 24, 2007

The Oscars...again

Ordinarily I detest recycling old material but as the eve of the Academy Awards groes weary I bring you the only awards show I want to see, as written by yours truly last year. Enjoy!

Dave Chappelle is host. Instead of a Billy Crystal song-and-dance number we get Chappelle firing up a blunt, inhaling to his heart’s delight, and cracking jokes about Scarlet Johansson’s cleavage, Jack Nicholson’s hair, and Jim Carrey’s dopey grin.

The first award is handed out. Russell Crowe is presenter, handing out the best supporting actress award. Angelina Jolie wins for Alexander, not for her performance but for the way she fills out a toga and because her breasts need more “support” than anyone’s in Hollywood, save the late Marlon Brando. She climbs the stairs and is greeted by a full on tongue filled smooch from the Aussie. The camera pans to Brad Pitt who looks like he wants to kick Crowe’s ass but knows he’d get his face caved in. And millions of African children rejoice, because they just might get Jolie naked after the adoption proceedings.

Dave Chappelle comes back out carrying a forty. He cracks more jokes about white people, black people, and Hispanics. He looks straight at the camera and tells Comedy Central to kiss his narrow black ass.

The next award is presented. Nicole Richie presents the award for Most Dubious Example of a No-Talent Living off Daddy’s Legacy. Before Richie gets to the microphone she spots arch rival and one time party confidant Paris Hilton in the third row, where third rate celebs belong, and bolts into the audience where an epic cat fight ensues. Chappelle rushes out from backstage, not to break up the fight, to inflate the pool where the lime Jell-O goes for the donnybrook.

As the towel boys clean off Hilton & Richie, Chappelle grabs the mic and jokes about Oprah’s huge head, Lindsay Lohan’s weight fluctuation, and R Kelley’s salacious personal habits. “R Kelley looked for a date for this gig for hours…he was combing the high schools all afternoon.” Rumors that Michael Jackson was seen with a bottle of wine at the elementary school across the street are unsubstantiated.

Kim Bassinger attempts to present the next award but is so incoherently drunk she can barely walk. An obviously flabbergasted Alec Baldwin runs up on stage to carry off the blonde bombed shell.

Matt Lauer of NBC’s Today show walks out on stage with Tom Cruise and Brooke Shields. Cruise professes that he is now a born again Christian as he’s seen heaven between Katie Holmes’ thighs.

A camera goes back stage and finds Kate Moss doing lines of cocaine. Dave Chappelle looks a bit bewildered, “Bitch, marijuana’s way better.”

Vin Diesel takes the stage to present the award for muscle flexion but sees that stupid smug look on Sean Penn’s face and immediately flies off stage and sweeps the carpet with Penn’s head just for general principle.

Chris Rock assumes MC duty as Dave Chappelle has apparently disappeared. Rock proceeds with a profanity laced tirade that offends everyone except Collin Farrell, Sean Connery, and Ewan McGregor, because Farrell is Irish and Connery and McGregor are Scottish.

Arnold Schwarzeggar presents the next award for bad actors who should be politicians. The nominees are; Ben Affleck, Alec Baldwin, and Stephen Baldwin. Arnold refuses to relinquish the statuette and no one argues with him.

Eminem takes center stage and busts with a tasty limerick that insults and offends every celebrity present in three minutes flat. The balcony gives a rousing standing ovation while the Hollywood establishment sits in missive disbelief. Eminem gets nominated for an Emmy.

From the wings of the stage Chappelle shows up and does an interview with Oprah wherein he divulges the nature of his disappearance. He said he couldn’t stand the baton waving orchestra conductor and said the little man was stifling his creative juices despite being paid $50 million for the gig.

Richard Gere gets up and says something nonsensical about China then pulls a small furry rodent from his back pocket and stares lovingly at it.

Madonna & Brittney Spears do a rendition of Queen’s “We Are The Champions” then share a lesbian kiss. Every male in the arena is mesmerized because, let’s face it, lesbians rule.

Chappelle informs everyone that the remainder of the show has been canceled because all of the gold statuettes are missing. He then asks, “Has anyone seen Wynona Ryder?” Chappelle then jokes that the life story of Anna Nicole Smith is being filmed and that Jessica Simpson plays Smith pre & post mordem, because she's just that stupid.

Hugh Grant takes the stage with the nastiest east Hollywood hooker we’ve ever seen. Turns out they were introduced by mutual acquaintance Robert Downey Jr.

The final award for best picture goes to some independent movie only seventeen people saw and that offended nearly every member of the Republican Party.

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Testicle Tuesday...colorful wenches

Sometimes I absolutely love being in the blogosphere, especially when my self-imposed duties involve looking up hot ass women on Google. So, as a public service, I bring these two smokin' hot gals with colorful monikers.

Sienna Miller is stunningly gorgeous, the kind of perfection Botticelli imortalized in his work. You decide, is she hotter as as red head or a blonde...

Scarlet Johansen is an exotic looking beauty with an unreal rack. And rumor has it she'll be doing full nude scenes soon...SPANKARIFIC SCARLET!

Sunday, February 18, 2007

Let me ask your opinion...

If one looks at the identifiable pillars of fascism, as seen through contemporary American views of liberal and conservative political philosophies, it stands to reason that fascism is one of the few truly hybrid political ideologies. Many have characterized fascism before as being dominantly liberal but I must respectfully disagree. Here’s a list of the pillars of fascism…

Exaltation of state over individual...neither, though arguably liberal in a services sense
Macro Darwinism…conservative
Micro Darwinism…neither, though arguably conservative
Extreme nationalism…conservative
Universal suffrage…liberal
Seizure of church property…Draconian Bolshevism
Central control of resources…liberal
Small central government…conservative
Anti leftist…conservative
State control of media…neither, as understood by American definition of lib & con
Middle class angst/catering or pandering to the middle class…liberal
Racial purity…neither
Compulsory military service…Communism, though not a traditional American liberal p.o.v.
Minimum wage…liberal
Elitist…Arguably both, liberals exalt intellectual elitism while conservatives exalt the economically elite

This list may be a skosh incomplete but it demonstrates that the split between liberal and conservative pillars is nearly equal. Even when you organize the list according to importance to the overall fascist ideology, such as universal suffrage, militarism, nationalism, corporatism, and central control of resources, the split between liberal and conservative is still fairly equal. What’s interesting is the fact that over one third of theses fascist pillars is neither or both.

So, is fascism, in your opinion, a liberal, conservative, or hybrid political philosophy?

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Testicle Tuesday...the resurection

I recently celebrated my 36th birthday, February 5th to be precise. I found that these two starlettes share the same birthday as me. So, as I resurect the intstitution of Testicle Tuesday I say HAPPY BIRTHDAY (belated as it is) to Laura Linney and Jennifer Jason Leigh.

Ms. Linney looking radiant...in color and black & white...

Ms. Liegh in tight leather.....mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, daddy likey...

Monday, February 12, 2007

Late on a Monday...

Yet here I sit, one lone blogger in a sea of bloggers, a teeny ass fish in a big ass bowl.

I’d like to think my writing is profound and deep beyond measure but alas, the clap trap that oozes from my keys is mundane. Why else would I have barely 20 hits a day? Shit, the local softball scores or bowling league results get more hits.

I had a couple fascinating conversations with two extraordinary gentlemen whilst I was ensconced at the hospital. Both conversations revolved around spirituality and were really esoteric and tres cool.

The first took place with a phlebotomist, those guys who skulk around drawing blood at the wee hours of the night and morning. The vampire du jour, we’ll call him Daniel, was quiet and unassuming, almost in a Zen like way. So I did what I’m accustomed to doing, I started talking shit and Dan opened right up. I’m nothing if not unabashedly curious as to the inner works of almost every mind I come in contact with. So Dan and I talked philosophy for nearly an hour. His individual belief was a bit amorphous sprinkled with a touch of quiet yet esoteric dissonance. It was Zen mixed with Calvinism, a truly spacey and tripped out set of beliefs. Now I can’t do his fascinating observations justice so I won’t try. But this cat, Daniel, was extremely kind, thoughtful, and intelligent spiced by a pinch of stoic intensity, a true poet with a big needle. We exchanged email addresses but I fear, as with most such encounters, addresses will be lost. But I will never forget that talk, the time when I tripped down the boulevard of spirituality with a dude named Dan, a surreal journey into the inner workings of the soul. Take care man, and never let shit burry you too deep.

The very next morning, maybe a scant eight hours after I spoke with Daniel, a priest came in my room and asked the obligatory questions querying my religious preference and whatnot. So, being still invigorated by Dan’s musings, and admittedly high as a damn kite from 2ml of dilauded given minutes before, I struck up a conversation similar to the earlier chat with Dan. And to my pleasant surprise the Father was of a similar mindset about God and spirituality as was I. So when I said I was nondenominational but believed highly in a Big Kahuna and Christ his ears perked up. We sat and bandied about the meaning of God and spirituality for a half hour. The Father was surprisingly open to my eclectic views of God and he wasn’t offended when I questioned the wisdom of erecting stone edifices in tribute to God instead of cultivating the cathedrals we build in our hearts and minds. The Father was a nice mix of patience, wisdom, and intellect.

I’ll never forget these two conversations.

Let me not forget my favorite nurse, Ricci. She was so seat and funny and did everything the way I liked it. She combined a razor sharp wit with fierce intelligence. And she was always quick with a radiant smile. She’s the best.

Then there was my favorite cat of all time, Al. This dude has been working at my favorite hospital and on the same floor doing the same shift for 20 years. How to describe the indescribable? Al is a kooky mix of Barry White, Bill Withers, Eddie Murphy, Chris Berman, and John Holmes. Al’s dying wish is to become a porn star. Go figure. I loved rapping with this kid all night. Sometimes the nurses would get pissed because Al was idling in my room shooting the shit, talking about sports and life’s quirky turns. Al is and always was a poet, a man with a gift of wit and intelligence. Yet to hear his self-deprecating candor you’d swear he was neurotic, not erotic. But that’s Al, a living breathing contradiction, a question mark wrapped in a riddle. He, more so than any other, made my numerous stays at the hospital bearable.

So, before you go lamenting my plight remember I made some memories that will last a lifetime.

Thursday, February 08, 2007

Wasup everyone

Well, I'm back, for whatever that's worth.

It's been nearly a month since I last posted and Billiam has kept you informed as to my untimely absense.

First, a shout out to Billiam The Conqueror for holding the fort and stoking the fires of this here bloggerific undertaking.

Second, man do I miss the I.V. dilauded that flowed like water at the hospital. That shit will put in the ozone faster than the Space Shuttle ever could. Too bad it's highly addictive or I'd convince one of my docs to issue some of that precious juice for home infusion purposes. Shub is no junkie, just a glutton.

Third, these I.V. antibiotics I'm on thankfully only one more day have reduced my colon to a colorful game of Shutes & Ladders, mostly shutes. My beloved Mexican food is unthinkable at this point as even simple items like Mac & Cheese traverse my intestinal track with startling ease. Man do I miss a big burrito or plate of chili rellenos.

Fourth, and lastly, I have no idea what direction fate has in store for my poor left foot. The doctors have not ruled out amputation if the infection is too pronounced. Here's hoping my prognosis is ok because being called Stubby would be quite the burden.

Later y'all, stay tuned for more inanity.