A rainbow of colors

I went sailing the other day and was marooned for a time on a strange island. It had white sand beaches, green palm trees, the whole smack. Then I happened upon a village where the people were rather hostile.

“There goes the boy with no color in his name!” The natives shouted. Suddenly I was surrounded by Red Foxx, Jack Black, Scarlett Johansen, Jennifer Gray, Lorne Green, Tom Green, Tiffani Amber Thiessen, Spalding Gray, Sidney Greenstreet, Whoopi Goldberg, Sienna Miller, Goldie Hawn, Ruby Dee, and their president Mr. Green Jeans. There were White Castles as far as the eye could see and everyone was munching on those delicious burgers as well as Green Giant and Bluebird frozen vegetables, Red Devil deviled ham, bread with Blue Bonnet margerine, and they were washing it all down with Orange Crush.

“Death to the boy with no color in his name!” They continued to yell.

Then from their immaculate athletic dorms came Reggie White, Vita Blue, Chad Brown, Darrell Green, Randy White, Red Aurbach, Jim Brown, Red Grange, Pete Rose, Joe Greene, “The Golden Boy” Paul Horning, and team owner Red McCombs. They started chanting, “Death to the boy with no color in his name!”

So I took my case to their Supreme Court where sat Byron White, Hugo Black, and Horace Gray. They asked, “Do you have a color in your name?”

“No”, I replied.

“Stone him! He has no color in his name!”

So they secluded me somewhere I could not pollute their colorfulness. They provided me with reading materials, Where the Red Fern Grows, Old Yeller, Red Badge of Courage, and a collection of fables like Little Red Riding Hood and Little Boy Blue. I was given a DVD player with titles to watch like The Green Mile, A Clockwork Orange, Blue Velvet, Red Dawn, The Color Purple, Black Rain, Red Planet. I also had a stereo that played Black Sabbath, Clint Black, Cream, Roger Greenaway, Deep Purple, James Brown, Barry White, Maroon 5, and Greenday.

I devised to escape and as I was tunneling out I was caught by William Golding who was writing a book about flies, or something like that. With him was T.H. White, who was writing an ode to Kate Moss (OK, that one may have been a stretch).

“Death to the boy with no color in his name!”

Then I saw Red Buttons, Seth Green, Graham Green, Lou Diamond Phillips (OK, another stretch), Ron Silver, Karen Black, Eva Green, Zena Grey, Betty White, and they were all laughing at James Black’s jokes. Then they saw me and chanted, “death to the boy with no color in his name.”

So I ran until my face turned blue. I ran to the Yellow Brick Road and followed it to the Blue Lagoon where I made my escape in a Yellow Submarine.

I traveled for hours and found another island where I was greeted by Michael J. Fox and Peter Coyote. They yelled, “You have no animal in your name!”

After that it just got weird.