Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Anna Nicole and the Supreme Court

In a bit of news almost too perverse to contemplate Anna Nicole Smith will be appearing before the United States Supreme Court to fight for the inheritance from her late husband. Smith married the former oil tycoon J. Howard Marshal II and stands to reap a $474 million dollar windfall should the Court rule in her favor.

So, in my continued effort to enlighten I bring you Anna Nicole Smith speaking before the Supreme Court…

Chief Justice Roberts-“Do you have any opening comments Miss Smith?”

Anna Nicole-“Wow, this room is pretty! I love what you’ve done with the mahogany and leather.”

Chief Justice Roberts-“Do you have anything substantive to say on your behalf?”

Anna Nicole-“What’s substantive mean?”

Chief Justice Roberts-“Never mind…does the panel have any questions for Ms. Smith?”

Justice Ginsburg-“You posed nude in Playboy, correct?”

Anna Nicole-“Yes, it was nifty.”

Justice Ginsburg-“Are you aware Playboy is an icon of misogyny and chauvinistic idolatry of women and…”

Chief Justice Roberts-“That’s enough Justice Ginsberg, you oraficious twit.”

Justice Stevens-“I’m 85 years old…will you marry me?”

Anna Nicole-“How much money are you worth and do you have a heart condition?”

Chief Justice Roberts-“OK, Justice Stevens, that’s good. Sheesh, why don’t you two get a room and a lubricant and be done with it.”

Justice Kennedy-“Have you ever been Borked Ms. Smith?”

Anna Nicole-“I love big bath tubs…they’re dreamy.”

Justice Souter-“The mountains of New Hampshire are lovely this time of year. Let’s go hiking. I’m single ya know.”

Anna Nicole-“Sorry, I only date men in their 80’s.”

Justice Breyer-“Can you spell inheritance?”

Anna Nicole-“Huh?”

Justice Breyer-“Spell the word inheritance for us…can you do that hon?”

Anna Nicole-“OK…sound it out…I-N-H-A-I-R-It-Ants…how’s that?”

Justice Breyer-Rolls eyes and plays Russian roulette with his thumb and index finger as the gun

Chief Justice Roberts-“Justice Alito, do you have any questions for Ms. Smith?”

Justice Alito-puts down yo-yo…“Um, no…I find the black robes to be very slimming.”

Justice Scalia-“Ms. Smith…over hear dear…stop staring at the flag please.”

Anna Nicole-“It’s very pretty. I like bright colors.”

Justice Scalia-“Mamma mia! Is there one functioning synapse in that peroxide melon of yours?”

Anna Nicole-“What’s a synapse? I like melon, especially honeydew, it tastes sweet.”

Justice Scalia-begins tying hangman’s noose to string himself up

Justice Thomas-“Oh oh oh…I’ve got questions, a lot of questions.”

Chief Justice Roberts-“Oy vay!”

Justice Thomas-“Ms. Smith…over here…I’m the black man.”

Anna Nicole-“These chairs are comfy.”

Justice Thomas-“Have you ever heard of Long Dong Silver?”

Anna Nicole-“Wasn’t he a pirate or something?”

Justice Thomas-“Uh, no. He was an icon of the American pornography industry back in the 80’s. He was hung like a mule.”

Anna Nicole-“Oh, I can spell pornography…P-O-R-N-O-G-R-A-F-F-Y.”

Justice Thomas-“Very good sweetie. Were you a stripper?”

Anna Nicole-“Yes…my nipples got hard a lot.”

Justice Thomas-“Yes, I bet those clubs can be quite drafty. We’ve got a pole if you’d like to demonstrate your…eh hem…technique.”

Justice Ginsburg-“This is ridiculous! I never…”

Chief Justice Roberts-“Shut up Ruth, let Miss Smith have the floor you insipid troglodyte.”

Justice Thomas-“There’s a pubic hair on my Coke…Ginsburg, you little scamp.”

Justice Ginsburg-blushes noticeably

Chief Justice Roberts-“Thank you miss Smith, you can climb off Justice Stevens now. These proceedings are closed.”