Thursday, April 13, 2006

The holidays that must not be

OK, I can die now as I’ve seen it all, and at the tender age of 35.

A man in Germany is suing the Easter Bunny, claiming the maniacal lepus has insidiously waged a campaign to cause addiction to chocolate which leads to heart problems, strokes, and myriad other health concerns.

So, as a public service I’ve compiled a comprehensive list of other holiday icons who should be sued.

Santa Clause-this rotund pagan slinks down our chimneys and puts presents under the tree but not before greedily devouring a plate full of cookies and a glass of milk. This clearly symbolizes gluttony and breaking & entering. Clause is an habitual offender whose wanton disregard for property rights and good dietary habits encourages our youth to ignore the law and ingest massive quantities of bad food all in the name of excess and a false recognition of Christ’s birthday. The shameless pagan.

Cupid-not only is this character half dressed but he shoots people with a bow & arrow in hopes they hook up on Valentine’s Day. More so than any other iconic figure, save Hugh Heffner, Cupid represents idolatry and hedonism. This sexually charged cherub lurks about with his arrows, an obvious phallus, and his bow, a not-so-subtle call to violence, and portends to accelerate sexual chemistry. He’s guilty of promoting sexual promiscuity and violence, thus irreparably harming our society.

Uncle Sam-a symbol of American Independence Day, this nefarious character uses his status as an identifiable trade mark of the United States to promote the illegal purchase and discharge of highly dangerous explosives. Sam would have our children recklessly blowing up whatever and whenever they choose. He also uses his fame to recruit the youth of America into the military, where they’ll get to play with even larger and more deadly explosive ordinance. He might as well be called Uncle Boom.

St. Patrick-this Irish folk hero blatantly promotes the ingestion of massive quantities of alcoholic beverages and the proliferation of useless parades. For weeks leading up to his day St. Patrick’s visage is used in bars and taverns the world over to encourage, nay demand, that the commoners drink Guinness and a number of other frothy intoxicants. As if the Irish needed another excuse, let alone a holiday, to pound more beer.

Father Time & Baby New Year-this devilish duo ushers in the end and beginning of each calendar year, respectively. Father Time is grizzled old gray beard who represents society’s disdain for the elderly; why else would his time wind down as the clock run down to midnight on December 31. Baby New Year supposedly symbolizes the dawning of a new and hopeful year. But we all know what he truly represents…dependency. This infant is a trapping of our society’s ever increasing dependency on the nanny state. Not to mention this little demonic urchin assumedly devours Father Time at the stroke of midnight.

Martin Luther King-this so-called desegregationist undoubtedly serves as a portrait of lawlessness and sedition. King continually thumbed his nose in defiance of the laws of the land. His stance of non-violence was a ruse as his followers repeatedly stepped in the path of speeding bullets and stuck their heads in nooses. The whole disobedient lot should be sued for making it impossible for us law abiding citizens to pay our fines on yet another government sanctioned snooze fest.

George Washington & Abe Lincoln-the two most famous of all American Presidents have conspired together for years to rob the employers and governments of no less than two full work days of productivity. And they do it from their hallowed sanctuary of the 1700’s and 1800’s, clearly in an overt effort to avoid culpability in the dumbing down of the viability of American industry.

The Dead Veterans-this group of miscreants has not one but two official observances/holidays. Clearly this is emblematic of an entitlement mentality. They’re living of the laurels of a few glorious victories, and yes many did fight and defeat Hitler. However, this doesn’t warrant their “Me First” attitude nor does it excuse their practice of greedily taking up valuable government real estate as they lay in rest in dozens of veterans cemeteries. Then they foster this archaic and barbaric ceremonial Twenty-one Gun Salute that brazenly supports gun violence.

Christopher Columbus-this Italian icon gets his own holiday based on a stroke of luck of not sinking or capsizing in the middle of the Atlantic. Such meritless observances act to advance a psyche wherein luck and bravado is rewarded rather than hard work and talent. Plus he was a devout racist who desired to eradicate the native population of North America. Then he gets a parade in his honor, clearly a signal to Native Americans that the genocide inflicted upon them that got its genesis from the sheer luck of a swarthy Italian doesn’t mean a thing in the pantheon of the collective American consciousness.

The Pilgrims-these uptight puritans were so reserved and conservative they were exiled by the British. How can you get more uptight than the British? Their early struggle for survival has been immortalized each year with a gluttonous feast where whole families gather and celebrate the slaughter of innocent livestock. The ceremonial black garb the Pilgrims wore is a tacit acknowledgement of the dark arts and can be construed as heretical in nature. These pilgrims are/were bent on paganism and the wholesale gorging on guiltless flesh.