Hugs, hugs for everyone

This was too juicy to pass up…

Seems a moratorium has been declared on hugging in Boston. Go figure.

So, as a public service I’ve devised the perfect anti-hugging letter for these dastardly 5-year olds, the freakin’ pervs.

Dear *insert name here*,

I’m sorry for hugging little *insert name here*. It won’t happen again.

Since I now have some free time, no hugging in my life anymore, I did some research into the perils of a fervent embrace.

The hug is a ritualistic salutation, typically to express intimacy, wherein a person wraps their arms around another and squeezes for an undisclosed duration. The duration depends a number of different factors: 1) female breast size; 2) body chemistry, particularly the elements that compose body odor; 3) any perfume or cologne worn by the participants; 4) arm length musculature; 5) height differential; 6) breath odor; 7) complexion; 8) penis size and/or the presence of an erection.

Many people think the hug originated with the Huguenots during the Protestant Reformation in France, circa 1500. Not so. The hug dates back to hallowed antiquity, as far back as the Stone Age. The Neanderthals would huddle together and hug in an effort to warm them or garner comfort before the big kitty cat ate them whole. Around the time of Christ the Romans used the hug after hard fought victories as a sign of fellowship.

It wasn’t until the Spartans that the hug took a turn towards the salacious. From the age of seven Spartan males were made to exercise in the nude. Around the age of twenty the men were admitted into military academies. Older men were encouraged to have sexual relations with the younger men, the elders were eispnelas, "inspirer," and for the younger beloved, aitas, "hearer."

From there the hug degenerated into an erotic right. Napoleon had Josephine as his wife even though she was much taller. Assumedly this was for the purpose of having his face resting on her dirty pillows while they hugged.

Then the sexual revolution of the 1960’s ushered in an era of wanton depravity wherein hugs were doled out to the nearest passer-by. In the ‘80’s the hug was symbolic of the fight for gay rights and was a catalyst for the spread of the AIDS virus.

Even now American pop culture does continually portray the hug in a most sensual and despicable manner. One of the most popular movie franchises in history, Lord of the Rings, portrayed the hug as a homo erotic gesture of perverse fidelity. No one can argue that the relationship between Frodo and Sam was an undoubtedly a homosexual metaphor as they shared countless hugs.

Those with the word hug in their names are indeed pernicious influences and peddle in depravity: Hugh Jackman, Hugh Heffner, Howard Hughes, Baby Hughey, John Hughes.

The hug has reached iconic status as National Hugging Day was founded on January 21, 1986, by Reverend Kevin Zaborney.

The hug has pierced the veil of the church and American society. We, the chaste, need to stand up and stop this madness, stop the proliferation of homo erotic messages, and stop the hugging.