Thursday, May 04, 2006

Introspection...the damnable misery of it all

Ever get in those moods where you direct the light of examination inward and see what bubbles up? Well that’s where I’m at.

As you already know I’m recuperating from a twelve day stint in the hospital. That in and of itself is mildly tedious and annoying. The sleep will come and my appetite will return in due time. But I received an additional cosmic kick in the teeth whilst holed up in the multi-trauma wing at a local hospital. I received the disheartening news that I failed the Colorado Bar Exam. Fuck.

It’s been a dream of mine since high school to become a lawyer. I’ve envisioned the corner office, the tawdry secretary, the heated debates, and the mindless sifting through case law for hours on end. And I liked the visual.

Then reality crashes the party and reminds me that it ain’t that easy. I studied hard, though admittedly not as long as I should have. I thought I knew contracts, torts, criminal, constitutional, evidence, property, administrative, corporations, agency & partnership, family, and trusts & estates cold. Boy was I wrong.

Now I’m faced with 6-8 weeks of cramming 3 ½ years of law school into my diluted and porous brain pan. I don’t know if I’ve got it in me to tackle this shit again. The mere thought of pouring over reams of case law and annotated outlines fills me with dread. Sifting through the legal morass seems about as appealing as giving mouth to mouth to a dead baboon.

It’s disheartening to say the least when you’re faced with the specter that your inner you may not be cut out for your ultimate goal. I’ve got my eyes on the prize but my grasp seems a tad short. I made it this far, why won’t the switch flip, why can’t I muster up the collective energy to pass the God damn bar?!

The one saving grace and primary motivator is my beloved mother. The woman has seen this man through more shit than imaginable. She watched her only child break bones, do sports, drink to excess, and nearly kill himself by the time he was nineteen. She’s been the bedrock of my life. She’s stood beside my bed as I clung barely to life and she held me as I rehabbed a broken body and shattered psyche. And she’s been my most vocal critic and supporter as I’ve attempted to get my fledgling legal career off the ground. I am the man I am today because of her.

I’ve got until mid of May to decide. I’m at the proverbial fork in the road and it’s sticking me in the ass. If I go on and meet failure again the results could be extreme. If I resign myself to defeat I spit in the face of those, primarily my mom, who’ve helped me along the way. Which way to take…