Testicle Tuesday Trifecta

Gentlemen, I give you the holy trinity of super models circa 1989. These three were mastubatory fodder for young men world wide during the late 80's & early 90's.









Rachel Hunter, Elle McPherson, and Kathy Ireland were responsible for mega-tons of dispensed hand lotion and disgarded kleenex and along with Cheryl Teegs and Farah Fawcet formed the nucleas and high-water mark for the beloved Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue throughout the decades. Thank you ladies for your hotness.

As I stroll through the blogosphere...

I feel compelled to pay tribute to some people I’ve met along the way.

Jamie, dude, you are one twisted mug. Few people have the ability to make me laugh so consistently. Your wry and quirky observations about this demented trip known as the human condition are always spot on. You’ve befriended this fat boy from Denver from halfway around the globe, and for that I give you my thanks. In the short time we’ve known each other you’ve taught me volumes about music and the Aussie culture. Not to mention you’re one of a handful of people who can throw down at the bar and keep up with yours truly drink for drink. You’re a loon and one of my faves.

Morg, you little hussy of a hippie. You’ve chosen to home school your entire tribe while nurturing an autistic son, working full-time as an editor, and keeping the hubby in tow. Add to this your work with birds of prey, your part-time poetic aspirations, and maintaining a blog and you’ve got one good woman. Your devotion to family & friends is to be commended as well as your pluckiness. Keep up the good fight Morg, your genuineness and kindness are both rare commodities. I haven’t met many who could hold a candle next to that enormous heart you possess.

Bane, you crusty ass barnacle. If all I knew about you was that you served in the marines and fathered more who would take up the mantle of protectorate of this country you’d have earned my respect. If all I had known about you is the adoration and fidelity you have for your family and country you’d still have my respect. If all I knew about you is your unflinching willingness to poke fun at this gimp you’d once again have my respect. If all I knew of you was your keen intellect and sardonic sense of humor you would still have my respect. Roll it all together and there are few in the blogosphere I respect more. For what it’s worth Bane, just know that someone across the country is praying for you and yours. Tell your boy to keep his head down.

Nate, you’ve showed me more genuine deference than I deserve. I’ve witnessed you shred opposing arguments to tatters without remorse. That in and of itself deserves admiration. But you temper this fierceness with a wonderful sense of humor. I had originally come to the blogosphere with reservation but I’ve learned from you to either bring it full force or sit down. I also admire the light you hold Dr. Who in. She’s a lucky woman to have such a man holding down the fort. You’re good people Nate.

Billy D, you visited my blog months ago and few have been more loyal. Your kind words last fall when I was in the hospital meant more than you know. When I heard your blog was up and running again I was overjoyed. You kill me with your random musings and of all the people I’ve come across you’re the one I’d like to break bread with the most. Your blue bunny suit is the shit, if a bit disturbing.

Vox, when I first ventured upon Vox Popoli I was taken aback at the overwhelming conservatism you displayed. To your credit you never waiver from your stance. That’s not to say your opinions are happened upon lightly, indeed, far from it. Every view you’ve espoused has been copiously researched and thought through. Your devotion to God and family is admirable and should be applauded. The highest compliment I can pay is you always make me think and my once unquestioned allegiance to the once beloved Democratic Party has been turned on its ear, no small thanks to you. The loyalty you’ve engendered in people is a thing to behold. The football gods dictate that I extend an open invitation to the Broncos should your Vikings ever visit. Good luck and God’s speed to you and your family.

Take care y’all, you’re in my thoughts and prayers. If any of you are ever in Denver look me up and we'll have a burrito, or pizza, or beer, whatever.

Yours in blogdom,

Shrub

Some great quotes

Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography. --Paul Rodriguez

When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died peacefully in his
sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car. --Author Unknown

I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.--Steven Wright

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.--Rodney Dangerfield

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.--Mel Brooks

I'm so unlucky that if I was to fall into a barrel of nipples I'd come out sucking my thumb.--Freddie Starr.

My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.--Emo Phillips

The one thing I remember about Christmas was that my father used to take me out in a boat about ten miles offshore on Christmas Day, and I used to have to swim back. Extraordinary. It was a ritual. Mind you, that wasn't the hard part. The difficult bit was getting out of the sack.--John Cleese

Testicle Tuesday

Ahhhhhhhhh, my favorite day of the week. The masses have demanded it and I'm nothing if not a shameless whore/benefactor to my loyal following. This week's theme was inspired by Jamie R. Seems the boy from Down Under has a thing for one of America's young starlets. So, in an effort to appease my readers and because the research is actually quite fulfilling I bring you Teen Tart Testicle Tuesday.

Our first lass is the one Jamie pines for. She was born in '87. I give you Hillary Duff...

Our next tart is the stunning Lindsay Lohan, pre skelatonous weight loss of course...

Tune in next week kids.

Springtime in the GOP

Here’s a brief synopsis from none other than Fred Barnes of the Republican platform in the weeks and months leading up to the 2006 Congressional election.

House Republicans, for their part, intend to seek votes on measures such as the Bush-backed constitutional amendment banning gay marriage, a bill allowing more public expression of religion, another requiring parental consent for women under 18 to get an abortion, legislation to bar all federal courts except the Supreme Court from ruling on the constitutionality of the Pledge of Allegiance, a bill to outlaw human cloning, and another that would require doctors to
consider fetal pain before performing an abortion.

As Barnes pointed out in his Weekly Standard column this is an attempt by the GOP to deflect attention away from the Bush administration’s failures in Iraq, the failed domestic agenda, and the supposedly stagnant economy. It’s a classic political bob & weave. Divert attention away from Jr’s all out assault on the Constitution in a well-honed scheme to retain power. It’s a time honored political tradition that Clinton, Reagan, and Nixon pulled off beautifully.

But where this season’s ploy falls or leans toward Bolshevism is the blatant attempt to legislate on a national level that which should be privately sacrosanct. Let’s pick apart the upcoming Republican agenda piece by piece.

The proposed Amendment to officially recognize the concept of marriage being between a man and woman is not necessary and is another blatant power grab by Jr and his minions. The debate over same sex marriage has reached a fever pitch and the Republicans are exploiting the issue du jour. First off, a Constitutional Amendment protecting the institution of heterosexual marriage is superfluous. The sacrament of marriage is and should only be between the couple and their church. Second, many have bemoaned the litigious nature of marriage/divorce law but the consternation is just hand wringing. If the government is stripped of the authority to govern in any way an institution that has existed without government support or recognition for ten thousand years the chance for exploiting the system are eliminated. Third, if homosexual unions are indeed an abomination shouldn’t we let the damned do as they may, after all, they’ll meet their maker eventually and will have to atone for ALL their sins. Fourth and lastly, isn’t such an amendment the ultimate in intrusive paternalism?

Why is a bill allowing more public expression of religion necessary? Ostensibly the Repubs will cite the recent appeals court decisions barring posting of the Ten Commandments, the Cross, and a number of other public displays of faith. But these are red herrings. No law currently exists that prevents the private exercise of religion or the public acknowledgement of the deity of choice. There are limitations placed on expressing religious beliefs in government funded facilities and on the government’s dime. As it should be. Allowing exercise of religion on government property is a tacit endorsement of that particular faith, a big no no in Constitutional law. Limiting the exercise of religion in predominantly governmental facilities is far from an all out public ban on free exercise. Ergo, such a law is once again unnecessary.

As for the proposed abortion law, I cannot, in theory, disagree. Abortion is a surgical procedure and those who have yet to reach the age of adulthood have to obtain parental permission to get a cavity filled let alone an invasive operation. I can already hear the feminists caterwauling about “What if the girl was raped or molested?” Relax, it’s fairly simple to build in safe guards that can accommodate such a tragic set of circumstances. Judicial fast tracking, child protective services intervention, etc. are all possible avenues to avoid injustice.

The proffered limitation on federal appellate jurisdiction is an absolute power Congress has, so, in theory, once again, I cannot disagree. But it seems a bit disingenuous to limit jurisdiction of such a limited area of law and it speaks of political opportunism at its most hypocritical. If the Republicans cared so much about the trappings of America why not limit jurisdiction on a whole host of political speech. Why not, because they know it would be a tough sell.

The cloning ban seems like a sound idea, in theory. To abolish state funded cloning research is reasonable and a Constitutional application of Congress’ tax and spend powers. However, eliminating privately funded cloning research is again paternalistic and invasive. The Pandora’s Box that is cloning runs afoul of evolution and creation but if a private benefactor wants to usher in the dawn of freeze dried babies who am I to say he can’t.

Making doctors contemplate fetal pain is both sophomoric and unenforceable. How long must the doc dwell on the alleged pain of the fetus/zygote? Must such a contemplation be verbal or introspective? How do you enforce this law? If there’s no intent to enforce you’ve enacted hollow legislation, for what purpose. What a waste of legislative resources.

Now, let’s get back to Barnes for a tick. Few republican apologists can equal the tenacity displayed by Barnes as he continually defends the President. Even fewer still are so blinded by ideology that they’d rather man the wheel of a sinking ship even while the rats from steerage are heading for what ever buoyant object they can find. Congressional Republicans are distancing themselves from the current administration in droves. Even the conservative commentariat have seen through the smoke & mirrors. Such luminaries as William F. Buckley, George Will, and Jonah Goldberg are questioning their allegiance to Jr. Even Barnes himself has recognized that the Bush administration has finally ushered in the death of limited government.

The reaction was predictable. Bush’s inner sanctum has warned Republicans against distancing themselves from the President, saying a show of disunity would be a sign of weakness come November. And you know what, they’re right. But the disloyalty has been cultivated by one political screw up after another and the clumsy job of manning the pumps on the sinking ship.

To this I say true conservatives, i.e. those who truly favor smaller government, would be wise to abandon President Bush for he and his lackeys have already abandoned you.

Manic Mammary Monday...posted on a Sunday night to get it outta da way

The following is an unsolicited testimonial from Morgan o' the Lake...

Liam Neeson makes my ovaries stand up and clap. No one wears a kilt like that man and I lost my heart to him when I saw Rob Roy. I love everything about him. And then there was that 1996 picture of him with his son that sealed the deal. This guy is the Entire Package. Dead sexy *and* a family man. Oh, my!

Of course, Ihatedashrub takes a close second. Or maybe a third after Vin Diesel. Anyone who would open his blog up to indulge the womenfolk is secure in his manhood. Those of you men who would say otherwise aren't worthy. So hide your faces in shame, subcreatures. Ihatedashrub is a god among bloggers.

Sorry Morg, the photos you sent wouldn't upload to Blogger. So I found this pic.

On a side note I suddenly feel the urge to vomit...I need a shower.

And just for future reference, Morg, any mention of your ovaries or any other cog in your reproductive machine falls squrely under the category of Too Much Information.

I'm addicted...

To the coolest video game I've played since I first picked up Unreal Tournament. The game of which I speak...Halo. Oh the unmitigated carnage, the raw power of driving the Scorpion Tank, the sound as you club an unsuspecting minion of universal evil over the head with the butt of your shotgun, the sight of enemies being eviscerated from a well-placed grenade. I'd write more but I gots shit to blow up people!

Wish you were here

The following is a pictoral montage of the state of Colorado, the only place I've ever considered home...I'll never live anywhere else.


Bridal Veil Falls

Garden of the Gods

Red Rocks Ampitheater...generally regarded as the best outdoor concert venue in the world and a playground of mine during my high school years...my HS graduation was at Red Rocks

Mountains in winter...Photograph Copyright 2004 Lynne Taylor

Roxborough Park in winter...Photograph Copyright 2005 Lynne Taylor

Denver at dawn...Photograph Copyright 2005 Lynne Taylor

Denver at night...Photograph Copyright 2002 Lynne Taylor

My house of worship...
Invesco Field...
Where football is the sacrement and the gods are clad...

In ORANGE and BLUE!!!

Testicle Tuesday

As we recover from the horror that was Mammery Monday our testosterone needs a bit of a boost. So, in the interests of red-blooded maledom, I give you a special two-fer Testicle Tuesday. Our lovely ladies hail from Europe and are fond of posing naked in front of the camera, God love 'em.

Without further delay I give you...





the stunning Kate Winslet. Much like last week's beauty, Winslet is not opposed to showing her naughty bits, and we like it that way.

Our second young lass is equally gorgeous...




When I Googled Natasha Henstridge it was rather difficult to find pics where she wasn't partially or fully naked. But since I'm so devoted to my readers I dutifully sifted through the morass of Natasha nudes and found these tasteful and artistic face shots.

Now, since it's my blog and I love doing the copious research necessary for Testicle Tuesday I bring you the bonus hottie of the week...




Evangeline Lilly is the reason why I watch Lost. I defy any man to gaze into those hypnotic green eyes and not become a quivering pile of gelatinous carbon-based cells. I've got two words to describe Evangeline...yum-my.

I hope you enjoyed this week's intstalment of Testicle Tuesday. Tune in next week.

I can't believe I'm doing this but...

At the request of one of my loyal female readers, Barbarela Queen of the Suburban Jungle, I'm giving equal time to the estrogen set with a new weekly feature...Mammary Monday. Against my better judgement I might add.

Here's the kicker...since I'm not fond of looking up Alpha Males on the net I'm going to rely on my female patronage, austensibly Barbarela and/or Morg, to suggest the beefcake o' the week. If I recieve no suggestions Mamory Monday will fade into oblivion. And if you have any particular photos in mind email 'em to me as I will likely post the first photo I stumble across.

Our first instalment is...

Matthew McConaughey

Mulling over a change

I'm thinking of changing the name of my lil' bloggy. But I lack the impetous to make executive decisions so I'd like y'alls help. Here are some of the names I'm toying with...

Battlestar Funkadelica
Lightship Funkadelic
George Clinton Rules
Random Bits of Fluff
Oh So Fluffy
Salma is a Goddess
Salma's Bath Water
Wolf's Nipple Chips
Screaming Viking
Norse God of Cheese
A Doughnut Without a Hole is a Danish
Nancy Reagan's Lonely Nipple


These are just a few of the ideas I'm pondering. Let me know if you have a good name that captures the essence of this ediface to my ego.

I'm sort of an ass

I am 50% Asshole/Bitch.

I am abrasive, some people really hate me, but there may be a group of other tight knit assholes and bitches that I can hang out with and get me. Everybody else? Fuck ‘em.

Take the
Asshole/Bitch Test
@ FualiDotCom

My own private island

Normally I detest those emails you get forwarded to you about likes, dislikes, answer these inane questions so I can know you better, blah blah blah. But myself, Duditz, and PB were chilling at the local sloppy burger joint and we started discussing what would be our ultimate desert island survival kits. Now before you enterprising smartasses quip that you can’t listen to music, watch DVD’s, or preserve food without electricity let me warn you I will eviscerate those who defile my personal Gilligan’s Island. So here’s my kit.

Five CD’s-NWA-Strait Outta Compton, Metallica-And Justice for All, Police-Zenyata Mondata, Socialburn-Where Are You, The Killers-Hot Fuss

Five DVD’s-The Holy Grail, Mel Brooks’ History of the World, Apocalypse Now, A Clockwork Orange, Gladiator

Five books-Watership Down, Lord of the Rings (Tolkien meant for it to be one big ass book), Heart of Darkness, The Stand, Alls Quiet on the Western Front

Five food items-chili relenos from Las Caras, chicken fajita burrito from Ajuua, fig newtons, refried beans, Emeril’s hot picante salsa

Five personal items (no iPods please)-toilet paper, toothbrush & toothpaste, suntan lotion, my computer, big puffy chair in my living room

Five video games (can’t answer this unless you bring a computer or video game platform)-Madden 06, Call of Duty 2, Unreal Tournament 2004, Knights of the old Republic II, The Sims 2

One person-tough…probably this girl I was friends with in college…she was funny, smart, easy on the eyes, and constitutes the proverbial “one that got away” for yours truly

Three tools-saw, hammer, Swiss Army pocket knife

Three beverages-Dr Pepper, Captain Morgan spiced rum, Fat Tire

Three events on DVD-Super Bowl XXXII, Georgetown-Villanova from the 84 NCAA Tournament, the night I shagged this girl at TMac’s house

Three TV/cable networks to watch-ESPN, SciFi Channel, History Channel

Open phone line to one person-my momma or Forrest cuz he always makes me laugh

If anyone has ideas for more categories just post a comment.

Our new goddess

My obsession knows no bounds. So, as a public service Salma Hayek has now been officially dubbed the Patron Saint of my blog.

A few biographical tidbits...
Born: September 2, 1966 Coatzacoalco, Veracruz, Mexico...and the angels sang. Her mother was an opera singer in Mexico and her father was a well-to-do Lebonese businessman.

She's starred in dozens of movies, was the first Latina/Hispanic actress nominated for best actress for hor role in "Frida", won an Emmy for best director for "The Maldonado Miracle", dated Edward Norton for four years (lucky shit), and has modeled extensively.

She's fluent in Spanish, Portugese, English, and Lebonese. And she's single.

All hail our new deity...let us exhault the devine Salma Hayek.

Dubai and the security from hell

As the controversy surrounding the proposed deal that would cede managerial control of six U.S. ports to a company headquartered in the United Arab Emirates yours truly has a behind the scenes look at what such an operation would look like…

The sun rises over the port in Baltimore. Our intrepid port security officers arrive for their morning shift.

Ibn-“Habib, get your Persian ass moving!”

Habib-“Bite my native Dubai butt you goat lover.”

Ibn-“Whoa, why the hostility my brother?”

Habib-“Just got off a shift at 7-Eleven. I ate one of those hot dogs…you could drive nails with those things.”

Ibn-“You mean you ate pork?!”

Habib-“Shhhhhhhhhh, don’t tell the union.”

Ibn-“I’m soooo telling the prophet Abraham on you buddy.”

Habib-“Go ahead, I’ll tell how you went out with that chick from the deli, you know, that tasty Jewish princess.”

A car pulls up to the gate. Inside sits a Caucasian male in a charcoal gray double-breasted suit.

Habib-“May we help you?”

White guy-“Yes, I’m supposed to meet my shipping clerk here. We need to inventory the contents of a carton we’re expecting.”

Ibn-“Do you have the proper identification?”

White guy-“Yes…here you go.”

Ibn-“This is a drivers license…do you think we are stupid? You can get one of these at the flea market.”

White guy-“I assure you…”

Habib-“I’m sure it’s authentic. Ibn, calm down. Now, sir, is your clerk here? What does he look like?”

White guy-“He’s about six feet nothing, brown hair, blue coveralls.”

The shipping clerk happens to be standing not fifteen feet behind our erstwhile security agents.

Ibn-“Haven’t seen him.”

White guy-“He’s right behind you.”

Habib-“Where?” Turns and looks directly at the shipping clerk. “Don’t see anyone matching your description.”

White guy-“But he’s right over there.” Raises his hand to point out the clerk.

Ibn-“Hey! I’ll thank you to keep your hands down yet visible at all times. You look shifty, there’s an odd look about you…”

White guy-“Look, I don’t want any trouble. Let me call my boss…”

White guy reaches into his pocket to grab his cell phone.

Ibn-“BOMB!”

Ibn & Habib immediately wrestle the white guy to the ground.

Habib-“We’ll show you how we do it in Abu Dhabi you filthy swine infidel!”

Habib kicks guy several times in the stomach.

Port manager Abdul-“Hey, what’s going on here?”

Ibn-“We thought he looked suspicious…he gave us some lame story about meeting his shipping clerk.”

Abdul-“Have you administered the compulsory cavity check?”

Habib-“No…he’s a feisty one.”

Abdul-“Carry on then…show him a proper Dubai welcome.”

Abdul walks off whistling some song from Fiddler on the Roof.

Ibn-“Awwwww, I love that movie.”

Habib-“Me too. Yentl was also surprisingly powerful. Who knew the Jews were so musical.”

Ibn-“Yeah. That Barbara Streisand is a good actress.”

Habib-“I hear ya…I like Ben stiller and Adam Sandler, they crack me up…”

White guy-“Hey, down here.”

Ibn-“Shut up you capitalist pigdog.”

Habib-“Wait…here comes a truck.”

A long bed moving van of sorts pulls up. Behind the wheel is a man dressed all in black and wearing a black hooded ski mask. Another hooded individual is in the passenger seat. Several other males clad in black clothing and matching hoods are hanging on the back. Several bumper stickers adorn the van…”Israel sucks”, “If you ain’t Iranian you ain’t Shiite”, “Have you hugged your terrorist today?”

Habib-“Go ahead…they looked trustworthy.”

Ibn-“Nice guys.”

White guy-“I’m still down here…”

Habib-“Oh, you can go but no funny stuff. In & out.”

White guy walks towards the shipping clerk.

White guy-“Camel jockey” mutters under his breath

Ibn-“You say something? Sounded like you called me a camel jockey.”

Habib-“Really, one hump or two.”

Ibn-“Oh, you kill me Habib. That joke never gets old. Let’s go do our sweep.”

Ibn & Habib stroll through the shipyard. They come across a container that is ticking.

Habib-“Must be those alarm clocks from Taiwan.”

Ibn-“Yup, nothing suspicious here.”

They walk a little more and stumble upon the fellas in black from the gate.

Ibn-“Hey, there’s those guys.”

Habib-“Cool, I wonder what they’re doing.”

Habib & Ibn observe the men in black offloading AK-47’s, SAM’s, rocket launchers, and what appears to be a nuclear warhead.

Ibn-“Ohhhhhh, they’re unloading party favors.”

Habib-“They really are just nice guys. I didn’t know there was a holiday coming up.”

Ibn-“Passover.”

Habib-“Oh, cool.”

Ibn-“Wanna see my new T-shirt?” Opens up his jacket to reveal…Mom & Dad got to blow up a bus and all I got was this lousy t-shirt.

Habib-“Cool. That’s a really touching tribute to your parents. Here’s my new shirt.” T-shirt says…Down with Allah since 1987.

Ibn-“That’s a sweet way to acknowledge God. Hey, it’s almost lunch. Where ya wanna go?”

Habib-“How’s ‘bout the kosher deli down the street?”

Ibn-“You are soooo reading my mind.”

New weekly feature: Testicle Tuesday

In my continued effort to enlighten the blogosphere I'm starting a new weekly feature where the most gorgeous creatures on the planet will be shared with my loyal following, all seven of you. So, what better way to start than with quite simply the most beautiful woman I've ever seen...Salma Hayek. I defy anyone to find me a better example of perfection personafide.

Wish I were he

This is quite simply the coolest picture I've seen in years...just absolutely gorgeous.

I love these movies

I was inspired by Billy D. I worked on this over a year ago and finally got around to assembling a definitive list. Here is a compilation of the most underrated movies ever.

Dogma-Matt Damon and Ben Affleck play fallen angels condemned to life in Wisconsin. Features George Carlin as a slimy yet jovial Catholic priest who’s out to change the trappings of his church, hence the “Buddy Christ”. One gut busting gag after another peppers this irreverent look at organized religion. Chris Rock as the 13th Apostle, Jay & Silent Bob as prophets, Alan Ryckman as God’s right hand, Alanis Morriset as God, and Linda Fiorintino as the great grand niece of Jesus all lend spice to this zany farce. May be the most fun movie ever out of Hollywood.

History of the World-Me and Kenny used to watch this movie incessantly. We had every line of dialogue memorized and every Brooksesque joke down to a tee. This movie has a spoof of the Inquisition, ancient Rome, Elizabethan France, and an opening caveman bit that starts you grabbing your side. History of the World ranks in my top three funniest movies of all time.

Fandango-Kevin Costner’s first starring role as a drunken yet thoughtful frat boy punctuates this critically acclaimed journey to self discovery. Hilarious segments are interspersed with high drama in a beautiful and poignant way. The end gets me every time…Costner stands on a hill and watches the lights turn out and his college days and finally his youth are gone; the camera captures Costner’s silhouette as he raises his beer in a final toast to friends and the care-free days of yore.

Breakfast Club-No movie captured the energy of the 80’s or teen angst so flawlessly. Five diametrically opposed teens get stuck in eight hours of Saturday detention. This movie was quite simply perfect.

Brotherhood of the Wolf-this French film doesn’t feature any notable actors but has for my money the most breathtaking cinematography I’ve ever seen. It’s so good the sub titles don’t even annoy you that much.

Stigmata-I love the premise of Stigmata. The spirit of a devout Catholic priest is captured in his rosary and transmuted into that little pixy Patricia Arquette. She begins to have visions and receives four of the five wounds suffered by Christ on the cross. Gabriel Byrne plays a priest assigned to investigate. Lo and behold, he finds the Lost Sermon of Christ within Arquette’s tortured mind.

13th Warrior-I realize the premise of a heavily accented Antonio Banderas as a Muslim ambassador seems far fetched but in this flick it works. Banderas goes on a diplomatic mission to Scandinavia where he is chosen as an emissary and the fabled 13th Warrior, destined to aide the Norsemen against a bitter and dreaded enemy. The battle scenes were unreal and you develop a fondness for the north men. The climactic fight will bring goose bumps.

Gallipoli-This movie broke my heart. I’ve seen battle hardened men of uncompromising strength reduced to simpering buckets of tears at the end. Mel Gibson plays a prize winning sprinter in WWI Australia. He takes up with his rival in hopes of volunteering for duty in Zanzibar. They are deployed to a small strip of beach known as Gallipoli, a battle that haunts the Aussies to this day. Watch this movie but be prepared to weep like a school girl.

Heat-The shoot out after the bank robbery may be the best action scene ever.

Life as a House-Much like Gallipoli this movie gets me every time. Kevin Kline plays a guy dying of cancer who tries to make peace with his estranged and deeply troubled son, played by Hayden Christianson. Watching this movie makes you realize life doesn’t always come with happy endings.

A Clockwork Orange-Stanley Kubrik’s 1969 masterpiece is a violent and intense tour of the dark side of human nature. Malcom McDowell is brilliant as an amoral hedonist who’s only bent on debauchery.

What’s Eating Gilbert Grape-Johnny Depp is terrific as the lone male figure in a house with a bed ridden mother, retarded teen brother, and two indispensable sisters. Then along comes Juliet Lewis to turn his world up side down. Add the death of his beloved mother, the precocious brother, an affair with the local MILF, and jacked up friends and you get one mixed up dude.

Honorable mention-American History X, Deep Cover, Sleepers, Kingpin, The Devil’s Advocate, Bram Stoker’s Dracula, Interview with a Vampire, Things to do in Denver When You’re Dead, A Perfect World

Laughed my ass off

Here are some actual warnings posted on various products. Disclaimer: I did not fabricate any of the listed warnings, I’m not that clever.

Some Swedish chainsaw manufacturer-“Do not attempt to stop chain with hands or genitals.”

Komatsu Floodlight-“Capable of illuminating large areas, even in the dark.”

Fire extinguisher-“Caution: Non-flammable”

Energizer AAA battery 4-pack-“If swallowed, promptly see doctor.”

Auto Shade windshield visor-“Caution: Do not drive with sunshade in place. Remove from windshield before starting ignition.”

Claymore Anti-Personal Mine-“Do not eat!”

Ansell Condoms-“Do not return used condoms to the manufacturer through the mail.”

Unknown air conditioner-“Caution: Avoid dropping air conditioners out of windows.”

Rowenta iron-“Warning: Never iron clothes while on body.”

Unknown vacuum cleaner-“Do not use to pick up gasoline or other flammable liquids…Do not use to pick up anything that is burning.”

Five gallon bucket of pickles where I worked at in high school-“Warning: Children can drown in bucket, do not place children in juice.”

Listerine mouthwash-“Do not swallow. In case of ingestion call poison control or hospital.”

Wal-Mart fish tank-“Other suggested purchases: rocks, aquatic plant life, fish.”

Toilet plunger-“Caution: Do not use near power lines.”

Nytol Sleep Aid-“Warning: May cause drowsiness.”

500 piece jigsaw puzzle-“Some assembly required.”