Some great quotes

Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography. --Paul Rodriguez

When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died peacefully in his
sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car. --Author Unknown

I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.--Steven Wright

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.--Rodney Dangerfield

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.--Mel Brooks

I'm so unlucky that if I was to fall into a barrel of nipples I'd come out sucking my thumb.--Freddie Starr.

My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.--Emo Phillips

The one thing I remember about Christmas was that my father used to take me out in a boat about ten miles offshore on Christmas Day, and I used to have to swim back. Extraordinary. It was a ritual. Mind you, that wasn't the hard part. The difficult bit was getting out of the sack.--John Cleese