Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Dubai and the security from hell

As the controversy surrounding the proposed deal that would cede managerial control of six U.S. ports to a company headquartered in the United Arab Emirates yours truly has a behind the scenes look at what such an operation would look like…

The sun rises over the port in Baltimore. Our intrepid port security officers arrive for their morning shift.

Ibn-“Habib, get your Persian ass moving!”

Habib-“Bite my native Dubai butt you goat lover.”

Ibn-“Whoa, why the hostility my brother?”

Habib-“Just got off a shift at 7-Eleven. I ate one of those hot dogs…you could drive nails with those things.”

Ibn-“You mean you ate pork?!”

Habib-“Shhhhhhhhhh, don’t tell the union.”

Ibn-“I’m soooo telling the prophet Abraham on you buddy.”

Habib-“Go ahead, I’ll tell how you went out with that chick from the deli, you know, that tasty Jewish princess.”

A car pulls up to the gate. Inside sits a Caucasian male in a charcoal gray double-breasted suit.

Habib-“May we help you?”

White guy-“Yes, I’m supposed to meet my shipping clerk here. We need to inventory the contents of a carton we’re expecting.”

Ibn-“Do you have the proper identification?”

White guy-“Yes…here you go.”

Ibn-“This is a drivers license…do you think we are stupid? You can get one of these at the flea market.”

White guy-“I assure you…”

Habib-“I’m sure it’s authentic. Ibn, calm down. Now, sir, is your clerk here? What does he look like?”

White guy-“He’s about six feet nothing, brown hair, blue coveralls.”

The shipping clerk happens to be standing not fifteen feet behind our erstwhile security agents.

Ibn-“Haven’t seen him.”

White guy-“He’s right behind you.”

Habib-“Where?” Turns and looks directly at the shipping clerk. “Don’t see anyone matching your description.”

White guy-“But he’s right over there.” Raises his hand to point out the clerk.

Ibn-“Hey! I’ll thank you to keep your hands down yet visible at all times. You look shifty, there’s an odd look about you…”

White guy-“Look, I don’t want any trouble. Let me call my boss…”

White guy reaches into his pocket to grab his cell phone.


Ibn & Habib immediately wrestle the white guy to the ground.

Habib-“We’ll show you how we do it in Abu Dhabi you filthy swine infidel!”

Habib kicks guy several times in the stomach.

Port manager Abdul-“Hey, what’s going on here?”

Ibn-“We thought he looked suspicious…he gave us some lame story about meeting his shipping clerk.”

Abdul-“Have you administered the compulsory cavity check?”

Habib-“No…he’s a feisty one.”

Abdul-“Carry on then…show him a proper Dubai welcome.”

Abdul walks off whistling some song from Fiddler on the Roof.

Ibn-“Awwwww, I love that movie.”

Habib-“Me too. Yentl was also surprisingly powerful. Who knew the Jews were so musical.”

Ibn-“Yeah. That Barbara Streisand is a good actress.”

Habib-“I hear ya…I like Ben stiller and Adam Sandler, they crack me up…”

White guy-“Hey, down here.”

Ibn-“Shut up you capitalist pigdog.”

Habib-“Wait…here comes a truck.”

A long bed moving van of sorts pulls up. Behind the wheel is a man dressed all in black and wearing a black hooded ski mask. Another hooded individual is in the passenger seat. Several other males clad in black clothing and matching hoods are hanging on the back. Several bumper stickers adorn the van…”Israel sucks”, “If you ain’t Iranian you ain’t Shiite”, “Have you hugged your terrorist today?”

Habib-“Go ahead…they looked trustworthy.”

Ibn-“Nice guys.”

White guy-“I’m still down here…”

Habib-“Oh, you can go but no funny stuff. In & out.”

White guy walks towards the shipping clerk.

White guy-“Camel jockey” mutters under his breath

Ibn-“You say something? Sounded like you called me a camel jockey.”

Habib-“Really, one hump or two.”

Ibn-“Oh, you kill me Habib. That joke never gets old. Let’s go do our sweep.”

Ibn & Habib stroll through the shipyard. They come across a container that is ticking.

Habib-“Must be those alarm clocks from Taiwan.”

Ibn-“Yup, nothing suspicious here.”

They walk a little more and stumble upon the fellas in black from the gate.

Ibn-“Hey, there’s those guys.”

Habib-“Cool, I wonder what they’re doing.”

Habib & Ibn observe the men in black offloading AK-47’s, SAM’s, rocket launchers, and what appears to be a nuclear warhead.

Ibn-“Ohhhhhh, they’re unloading party favors.”

Habib-“They really are just nice guys. I didn’t know there was a holiday coming up.”


Habib-“Oh, cool.”

Ibn-“Wanna see my new T-shirt?” Opens up his jacket to reveal…Mom & Dad got to blow up a bus and all I got was this lousy t-shirt.

Habib-“Cool. That’s a really touching tribute to your parents. Here’s my new shirt.” T-shirt says…Down with Allah since 1987.

Ibn-“That’s a sweet way to acknowledge God. Hey, it’s almost lunch. Where ya wanna go?”

Habib-“How’s ‘bout the kosher deli down the street?”

Ibn-“You are soooo reading my mind.”