Testicle Tuesday...Celebrity Apprentice

Donald Trump and the producers at NBC are freakin geniuses. They took the solid yet somewwhat tired Apprentice concept and spiced it up with celebrity ego and hotness. Here are the best of Clebrity Apprentice hotties in motion.

A former Playboy Playmate (God love her), Tiffany Fallon had the dubious honor of being the first Trump apprentice to hear "Your Fired". Damn Trump for firing the red hot Fallon and not dumping that vapid screeching harpy bitch Omarosa.

Marilu Henner was smokin in the TAXI years and is still yummy. She got the axe last Thursday.

Thank God Ivanka Trump didn't inherit her fathers fashion sense.

Carol Alt has been called the world's first true super model. Though Cheryl Teegs and Christie Brinkley might debate the point there's no debating Ms Alt is just stunning.

Jennie Finch may be the most beautiful female athlete on earth but was fired a couple weeks ago.

As a public service I refuse to honor Omarosa with a coveted TT endorsement...she's just a scary looking bitch.

From the wire...

Seems a PETA disciple wants to effect a personal name change. Fish are people too!

Please stay behind the white courtesy line…what, blue?! WTF?!

The city and county of Denver is pledging $5 Million in security for the DNC in August. In a related note the Denver area adult entertainment industry is “pledging” their support for the thousands of Democrats that will flock to Denver for the convention. Said one adult emporium proprietor, “After the convention I’ll be able to retire a wealthy man.”


Under the heading of “You can put a dress on a pig…”


The two largest breweries in America are subject to various state AG probes into their marketing of alcohol spiked with caffeine. How can this be wrong? My high school and college careers would have been far more distinguished had there been stimulants in all those ingested intoxicants.


No, no, no, no…Sharper Image is in danger of folding!

Now the state wants to take milk away from children…bastards!


Damned if you do…what’s a cunning linguist to do?


Compelled volunteerism…sounds oxymoronic

I give the over-under on this at July 30th PLEEEEEEEEEEEASE!!!!!!!!!!!


Oops!

Testicle Tuesday...hot female music stars

Boy do I love music. Boy do I love sexy women. Combine the two and you have a nearly perfect confluence of yummy goodness. In order, the hottest of the musical set are*...

1. Gwen Stefani

2. Shakira

3. Rihanna

4. Fergie

5. Amy Lee



*In no way does this list constitute an endorsement of the music of these ladies. In fact, all but Amy Lee and her group Evanescence put out shitty music.

Shut up

Over the last two weeks two stories have dominated the sports landscape; Roger Clemens and his alleged steroid use, and the now infamous Spygate cheating scandal involving the New England Patriots and head coach Bill Belichick. And these stories have played out in a most unlikely forum…the United States Congress.

Everyone who hasn’t been comatose for the last month knows perhaps the greatest right handed pitcher of all time has been embroiled in one of the nastiest public relations battles ever witnessed in American sports. At stake is no less than the legacy of one of the true living legends of baseball and the credibility of this nation’s pastime, Major League Baseball.

In an eerily similar fashion, the legacy of arguably the only dynasty the NFL has had since Dallas won three championships in four seasons fifteen years ago is being questioned by higher powers. The so-called Spygate Scandal threatens the perception of the Patriots as being a clean and scarily consistent juggernaut. At stake is three Super Bowl victories and whether these championships will sit forever in legend or in taint of cheating.

And in perverse fashion these two seemingly unrelated stories involving two different professional sports leagues will be forever linked in infamy because of the misguided and draconian actions of Congress. At the forefront of these issues are the House Committee on Oversight and Government Reform and the Senate Judiciary Committee, and there respective mouthpieces California Representative (D) Henry Waxman and Pennsylvania Senator Arlen Specter.

It begs the question…from whence does Congress deem its authority reaches the inner workings of professional sports?

The following quote from Senator Arlen Specter is illustrative; “I am very concerned about the underlying facts on the taping, the reasons for the judgment on the limited penalties and, most of all, on the inexplicable destruction of the tapes.” Apperently Specter’s sense of propriety was violated by the NFL destroying the now infamous Spygate tapes and a Senate investigation is now in the offing. So now millions of dollars will be wasted to exact a vendetta against Roger Goodell and the NFL. I wonder if the fact Specter’s second highest contributer (opensecrets.org) Comcast was rejected by the NFL for a eight game broadcast proposal has anything to do with his motivation. To compound the matter Senate Judiciary Chairman Patrick Leahy says he will support any future investigation into the alleged cheating ways of the Patriots. And it is almost assured the fact the Jets were accused of the same thing will be completely ignored, as will be the accusation of the St. Louis Rams improperly spying on Patriots’ practices prior to their Super Bowl XXXVI meeting. Even Kurt Warner said the matter should be pursued.

According to former Dallas Cowboys and Miami Dolphins coach Jimmy Johnson, such unapproved surveillance was fairly rampant; “Bill Belichick was wrong because he videotaped signals after a memo was sent out to all of the teams saying not to do it. But what irritates me is hearing some reactions from players and coaches. These players don't know what their coaches are doing. And some of the coaches have selective amnesia because I know for a fact there were various teams doing this. That's why the memo was sent to everybody. That doesn't make [Belichick] right, but a lot of teams are doing this.”

And now, according to SportsIllustrated.CNN.com, the Patriots are now being sued for $100 million by former Rams’ player Willie Gary for the loss in SB XXXVI.

Then there’s the Roger Clemens fiasco. For the sake of economy we won’t delve into the guilt or innocence of Clemens. Instead, we’ll concentrate on the mechanism by which Clemens and MLB are being judged.

The rationale by which the House is interjecting itself into an admittedly ugly steroid scandal is as specious as its Senatorial counterpart. This latest hearing was spawned by the now famous Mitchell Report that fingered dozens of current and former baseball players as being the beneficiary of performance enhancing drugs. And ironically the Mitchell report was inspired by the 2005 hearing by the same House Committee, the very hearing wherein Mark McGuire sat in stoic defiance and Raphael Palmeiro wagged his lying finger to an incredulous panel of representatives.

Maryland Democrat Elijah Cummins said this in response to the 4 ½ hour hearing; “So anybody who has any interest in sports had to at least hear about it. I had people coming up to me saying 'I was glued to the television.' We got probably 100 phone calls. So the issue was raised. So if we're able to cause one child to say 'I'm not going the steroids route,' if we're able to save one life, I think it's well worth it.”

In a mea culpa moment Waxman said he regretted the holding the hearing, “I think Clemens and McNamee both came out quite sullied, and I didn't think it was a hearing that needed to be held in order to get the facts out about the Mitchell report.” Waxman then insisted the proceedings were convened at the request of Clemens and his attorneys.

Pardon me if I am so bold as to say Waxman and his cohorts come out as the sullied ones in this equation. The true victim in this tale is the American sporting public. We are now led to believe that Congress is an appropriate forum to resolve disputes regarding professional sports.

This falls squarely under the heading of misguided and draconian use of authority. The troubling thing about these sordid events is the fact our nation’s highest political officers have seen fit to use Congressional resources to investigate wholly private sector dealings. No where in the record of either the House or Senate is it alleged the NFL or MLB violated federal law or any anti trust regulation.

There is no violation of anti trust law. There is no violation of federal regulation. There is no violation of state law or regulation. This is a hollow gesture by self aggrandizing stuffed shirts who are drunk with oversight power. How can Congress hold the NFL & MLB accountable to law that doesn’t exist? Only if they exceed their mandate of authority can Congress interject itself into this debate. The only conceivable rationale by which Congress can dink MLB and Roger Clemens is for violating federal substance abuse laws. But Clemens has not tested positive and his main accuser has all the credibility of your average professional wrestler. Additionally, MLB has not violated federal drug laws by being blissfully ignorant of its own foibles.

By their own admission the NFL already investigated Spygate and handed down the maximum fine against those involved, including the forfeiture of a first round draft pick in April. Yes baseball has buried its head in the sand regarding the steroid issue but that is their right, albeit a foolish idea.

Some have forwarded the claim that Congressional oversight is necessary to reverse public perception about cheating in sports and that they will be an accurate barometer of how to police entities that until now have been relied upon to police themselves. The NFL and MLB are privately held entities that receive no federal subsidies. As such their application of internal policies should be entirely outside the realm of Congressional intervention. If Congress can dictate to the NFL & MLB how to govern themselves then the average sports fan will eventually have to bow in kind.

In closing I would urge everyone to ignore the Congressional preening and tell Specter, et al. to shut the *bleep* up.

Testicle Tuesday...Billiam's birthday edition

Seems we've had a run of birthdays lately. By my count over the last month, Billiam, Waterboy, and yours truly, have celebrated 132 years of life on this earth. Damn, a century and a third between the three of us. That's a lot of agony inflicted upon the world. And since Billiam was so kind, and disturbingly insistent, I've compiled a TT tribute to the women who wind the Conqueror's clock.

Anyone who's seen the X-Men trilogy knows few can fill out a leather jumper like Famke Janssen.

Heather Locklear has been a member of the 80's cabal of sultriness since the T.J. Hooker days, right on through her Tom Cruise/Scott Biao faze, and her metal vixen ways. Remember, before Pamela Anderson was impaled upon Tommy Lee's monster member, Ms. Locklear was banging Lee and Richie Sambora.

God how I love dark haired and stacked women. And they don't come better proportioned than Catherine Bell. I defy you to watch JAG and not develop the urge to join the marines with the remote hope of seeing the stunning Ms. Bell sans uni.

Even in her 60's Jaclyn Smith is still one of the finest women on the planet. Charlie's Angels featured Ms. Smith at her sultry finest.

Even though Billiam requested Selma Hayek her visage has been retired out of respect to her unbelievable hotness.

In defense if libertarianism

To contend libertarianism is a vestige of agrarian days past is a fallacy. There are genuine contemporary issues that fall squarely within the states' rights arena; gay marriage, Bush v Gore, Lawrence v Texas (which thankfully overturned Bowers v Hardwick), medical marijuana, affirmative action, universal suffrage, etc., and libertarianism asserts these along with a host of other issues should be decided on the state level. Hence, libertarianism is the most sure method for ensuring individual liberty as the states are far more accurate barometers of the will of the people.

Libertarianism advocates, as Ron Paul does, a non-interventionist foreign policy, something neither the Democrats nor Republicans can claim. It's not unreasonable to assume that had the U.S not employed such a heavy handed policy approach to the Middle East we wouldn't be at war in two countries and contemplating attacking a third. Conceivably had the U.S not attacked North Korea or North Vietnam, over 100,000 dead US soldiers might be alive today, not to mention the angst created here at home during Vietnam and the millions dead in SE Asia. As a result of the Korean and Vietnam conflicts, the fall of communism was accelerated by maybe 5-10 years, hardly worth the financial and human cost. A libertarian president would have never prolonged or instigated those conflicts.

Shouldn't the individual governments, i.e. state and municipal, be given the autonomy to make bad decisions? Shouldn't our system be a meritocracy instead of an egalitarian utopia where the federal government is bestowed with more wisdom than it possesses? It has been demonstrated time and again that the feds are as, if not more, incompetent than their smaller cousins. Government is a flawed entity but a necessary evil and the choice to adhere to one construct or another should be made on a more intimate basis, a rationale that ensures the will of the people is more accurately reflected. A vast federal bureaucracy is what ensured Bush v Gore was the law of the land, all despite no precedent and the Court's one-time-only qualification (something never done in Supreme Court history). It is a logical outcome because the locale one resides in is far more cognizant of local standards than an entity 2500 miles to the east.

Expecting the powers that be in Washington to govern with any meaningful restraint at the local level is foolish. I don't see how an expansion of government power is covetous of individual liberty. That's akin to saying a fat lion is less ravenous than a skinny one. Both will wage war to preserve their station. A massive federal mechanism does not ensure individual liberty as it is unwise, incompetent, and unqualified. I'd rather err on the side of supporting a smaller government, one that may not be more qualified but can more accurately reflect the will of the individual. The Constitution was written so that the system functioned from the bottom up, i.e. the states dictate to the feds. When federal government functions with little to no fear of the people it will no longer be controlled by the people and is therefore unaccountable and drunk with power.

Some will contend that federalism will lead inexorably to mass migration of business overseas and people from one state to another. Only one state has even come close to outlawing abortion, the schools were desegregated via Brown v BOE, work place safety laws are nearly universal, child protection laws are nearly universal, etc. Concepts that are truly noxious to individual liberty will differ little, if any, from state to state. The concept of "philosophical cleansing" that some fear would not happen...much ado about nothing I say. Taxes and socio-economic status will exist in stratus and no amount of government intervention will eradicate poor and rich folk. To constrain small or big business in such draconian fashion as is practiced here in the U.S. will stifle economic growth. Government and business are intertwined by a common trait and will ruthlessly squelch any attempt to undermine their autonomy...too bad the individual lacks the same mindset. The marketplace is the most sure method of reining in corporate excess, not draconian legislation. Wal-Mart for all its vile business practices is the largest private employer on earth and forth largest commercial employer. If you supress the environment in which Wal-Mart operates too much millions will suffer as other employers will be effected. If the yoke was loosened from 'round the neck of business, both large and small, just a skosh you might find the environment is more habitable. The point is a federal bureaucracy should not control business, as the corporate sector is the life blood of our economy, and a true capitalistic libertarian mindset ensures economic growth.

What do you think drove certain industries to move capital offshore? Heavy handed regulation. It's insane to impose labor union mentalities to a service oriented economy yet there the outmoded unions sit driving costs up and stifling productivity, as does an intrusive government rationale. It's insane to offer government subsidies to big business as is paternalistic regulation. Corporate welfare, the kind that gave the airline industry a multi-billion dollar bailout right after 9-11 and the kind that pays farmers to keep grain in silos to keep costs up, is counter productive; it strips away accountability, and leads to a corporate nanny state as does protectionist governmental policy.

In this information age where 70% of American households have internet, 99% have telephone & TV, and nearly all have access to multiple channels of information, you simply don't have the luxury of saying the info is too difficult to obtain. That's abetting a lazy mentality where far too many vote without regard to issue or candidate viability. It is one's duty to exercise your ability to gather information, as an uneducated vote props up a flawed system. That's precisely how Jr got elected president...TWICE. I have no sympathy for someone who says information is too difficult to obtain.

Libertarianism is the only method to ensure liberty and national prosperity.

Testicle Tuesday...this day in history

This day in history…

1778-South Carolina becomes first state to ratify the Articles of Confederation
1919-Charlie Chaplin, Mary Pickford, Douglas Fairbanks, D.W. Griffith launch United Artists
1945-WWII-General Douglas Macarthur returns to Manila
1971-Apollo 14-Alan Shepard and Edgar Mitchell land on the moon

Births
1919-Red Buttons
1934-Hank Aaron
1942-Roger Staubach
1943-Michael Mann
1964-Duff McKagen (Gunz-n-Roses)
1969-Bobby Brown
1971-Shrubbery

Yes ladies & gentlemen, today is your humble host’s birthday. And since it’s the day my dear mother unleashed a spawn of perdition upon an unsuspecting world, what better way to celebrate than a treasured Testicle Tuesday with alluring pics of my fellow Aquarians.


Sara Evans 1971

Laura Linney 1964

Jennifer Jason Leigh 1962

Barbara Hershey 1948

Charlotte Rampling 1946

Ummm, I'm innocent...I swear

Seems a handful of bongs/water pipes were stolen from an adult entertainment emporium. Even though this theft combines two of my favorite things, mind altering substances and the trappings thereof and porn stores, I was 1000 miles away. But I wouldn't blame you if you were suspicious.

There's a flatus amongst us

Bwhahahahaha, detention for odiferous emination! My entire senior class would have swamped these little miscreants with clouds of noxious vapors that would have made a buzzard puke. Amatuers!

As I posted on Saturday the lengths to which government will go to legislate away the undesirable is out of control. The gubmint is drunk with power and unfortunately too few of us common folk seem outraged. Well, wise up, be pissed, and very affraid.

Now Hillary Clinton, the prohibitive favorite to assume the throne of president come November, is now proposing those who do not purchase health care insurance be punished for their ommission.

If you aren't deeply concerned by such paternalistic impulses from the most visible matriarchal figure in the world you should be slapped like a San Andreas hooker. If you are not genuinely troubled by such invasive government, the very same entity that is trying to legislate away obesity and childhood slovenliness, you're an idiot.

Government, as is its want, will wage a singularly brutal yet clandestine war on our civil liberties. And the only check on this gluttony is.....the people.

We as citizens of the United States have abdicated our God given right and self imposed duty to advocate for ourselves and resist the tyranny of the state. We are the only truly culpable factors in this equation. We no longer have the luxury of glossing over the very nature of government. It is bred into the DNA of government to expand its own power, as surely as the lion will stalk and kill other furry creatures of the savanah. And for us to ignore and appease an absolute universal attribute of an entity we see as our salvation is unconscionable. I have gazed upon the eye of the enemy and he is me.

The more we let government become intertwined with our daily existance the more entanglement we will have to extract our collective asses from, a gauntlet that will make the bokage country of France look like a field of sunflowers.

Wake up y'all, wake the fuck up!

Oh hell no...

Some enterprising law makers are now legislating away obesity. If they come after my burrito there will be war.

More Movday...

You've got to be kidding me

Seems an enterprising law maker in New Mexico wants to tax video games and televisions to reduce childhood obesity.

In other news the United States Congress has announced a plan to reduce illiteracy by mandating Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan attend community college.

Another plan was introduced to curb the national debt; Congress will seize the proceeds from the sale of Amy Whinehouse and Lohan's drug paraphernalia.

A highway beautification bill was introduced wherein Hillary Clinton will not be allowed to ride in a convertable with the top down.

Testicle Tuesday...Descent into hotness

As an unabashed fan of horror movies I gleefully await new homages to carnage on the silver screen. It's one of my vices, especially if there is an all female cast. So when The Descent ushered in a new concept of ass kicking hotties spelunking in a Hell's Cauldronesque cave repleet with demonic hordes bbent on canibalistic festivities I became giddy with anticipation. So here is my tribute to the cast of The Descent.

Shauna McDonald

Natalie Mendoza

Nora-Jane Noone

Saskia Mulder & MyAnna Buring

Alex Reid

Testicle Tuesday...foursome from heaven

I've never wanted to be a piece of cotton adorned with a Coca-Cola label so badly in my life...thank you Carrie Underwood.

Amy Dumas, aka Lita, was the best and only reason to watch the WWE circa 2000.

I defy you to find a more hypnotic pair of green eyes than those possessed by the gorgeous Amanda Peet.

She's tall, athletic, and goofy. A near perfect symbiosis of hotness and personality. Hello Cameron Diaz.

Testicle Tuesday...HAPPY BIRTHDAY WATERBOY!!!

In honor of Waterboy's B'Day, and as per his request, I bring the TT All-Time Top Ten.
Note: As Selma Hayak is now our patron saint, her visage has been retired from the pantheon of Testicle Tuesday.

So here is the TT Top Ten...

10. Demi Moore, Waterboy's opus, has been an uber hottie since the days of Saint Elmo's Fire. Waterboy's dying wish...tobe Ashton Krutcher for a day.

9. Rachel Hunter was a Sports Illustrated swimsuit model and star of the now infamous Stacy's Mom video.

8. Jennifer Lopez first appeared opposite Wesley Snipes and Woody Harrelson in Money Train and was married to Ben Afflek and now Enrique Iglesias.

7. Scarlett Johansson is a curvy tour de hottness.

6. I would drink Kate Winslet's bath water.

5. Super model par excelence, Gisele Bundchen.

4. The only knock on Jennifer Garner is her doofy husband.

3. In 50 years when historians look back Halle Berry will be compared to Marilyn Monroe, Sophia Loren, Helen of Troy, and Nefertiti as one of the hottest women in world history.

2. Mandy Moore may not be known for her acting skills or ability to pick a decent script but her beauty is unassailable.

1. The highest compliment I can pay the gorgeous Kate Beckinsale is to say she has been considered for image retirement from TT as an homage to her stunning perfection.

Ringing in the New Year with...

TESTICLE TUESDAY!!!!!

I've selected a few uber hotties for their, um, hotness. Who doesn't like nubile lasses who enjoy strutting their stuff on camera and in next to nothing.


Lena Headey has starred in 300, and The Cave & Imagine Me And You

Wherein she shared a romantic kiss (actually several) with best friend and fellow hottie...
Piper Perabo, oh ye of Cayote Ugly fame.

Keira Knightley is just smokin in the Pirates of the Carribean movies.

Rachel Weisz has turned in one sultry performance after another since her debut in The Mummy.


As a public service I pledge to once again make this a weekly feature, as Billiam and Waterboy seem to like TT very much, a little too much but who am I to judge.

New look

As you can see, his Shurbbiness messed around with the format. Let me know how you like it.

A tribute to the godfather...and interplanetary funksmanship

Oh yeah, put a glide in your stride and a dip in your as we prepare to land the mothership.

The P-funk connection is in full effect as we pay homage to the godfather of funk, the immortal George Clinton.

He whom presides over a nation of funk, one nation under a groove, the great Dr. Funkenstein, dedicated to the preservation of the motion of hips.

So if you concentrate and focus the funk in your junk, you just might land the mothership. But have your boarding passes ready because the ship has limited seating. Only those who are down with the funk are permitted.

Enlightenment is eminent if you free your consciousness and feel the rhythm and the rhyme.

After the mothership comes you better be ready to ride, because it’s gonna tear the roof off the mother…

Put your tray tables in the upright and locked position as we prepare for takeoff. If you look out the window you’ll see the eminent Atomic Dog. Then The P’s mortal enemies, Sir Nosedevoidoffunk and the ominous Maggot Brain, will try to ground the ship but if you’ve achieved proper funk enlightenment they will be defeated.

With the help of the Funkateers, Uncle Jam, Starchild, Bootsy’s Rubber Band, and Bootzilla, we will reclaim the pyramids…because no one is too cool to dance.

Free your mind and your ass will follow because mother earth is pregnant a third time.

Starchild, armed with his bop gun, shall bestow funkentelechy upon humanity, ridding us of the stench of unfunkiness.

So we journey to Atlantis, a place where you can swim under water without getting wet, where Mr. Wiggles will return the funk to Sir Nose, who dances the aqua boogie.

And as always we return to the side of the godfather of funk, George Clinton. Motown spawned this creative genius as the New Jersey native dropped a bomb on our musical consciousness that would resonate to seismic proportions.


In the late 60’s early 70’s Clinton convened the Parlaiment-Funkadelic, truly a cosmic convergence. And the denizens of funk were whipped into frenzy.

Such ground-breaking musicians as Eddie Hazel, Bootsy Collins, Michael Hampton, and Bernie Worrell fueled a musical revolution that would stoke the fires of rap & hip hop, 80’s funk, alternative (particularly the Red Hot Chili Peppers), and modern day R&B.

There’s a reason why this group of funkaholics were inducted into the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame in 1997 and have been deified as one of the best bands of all time by every publication from SPIN Magazine to Rolling Stone…they are that damn good.

As we bring this ride to a halt we train our eyes to the speaker system and pray they don’t blow. Put on Cosmic Slop and crank it to a truly righteous level as this is the only way to properly pay homage to one of music’s true pioneers.

Put a glide in your stride and a dip in your hip…because nobody is too cool to dance.

Illegal immigration...the solution

As a self-proclaimed free thinker I pride myself on coming up with unique solutions to divisive issues. And no topic on the political landscape, save perhaps abortion and capital punishment, engenders the passion and fury as that of immigration. Yet this most discordant of issues is not without an amicable solution.

The United States shares the longest continuous border in the world with Canada, coincidentally the longest non-militarized border on Earth. But those kooky Canucks are staying on their side of the line so we’ll discuss this boundary at a later date…if ever.

The U.S.-Mexico border is the most traversed international boundary in the world, both in terms of legal and illegal crossings…fully 250,000,000 per year. 2,000 miles of border being treated like a hopscotch table, equating to 125,000 crossings per mile per year.

And illegal immigration has become the hot button topic of the upcoming presidential campaign.

So, in my continued effort to think outside the box whilst enlightening the masses as to my evil genius, I’ve devised a fool proof and egalitarian approach to stemming the tide of illegal crossings along our southern border.

The eastern half of the U.S.-Mexico border, the Rio Grand, travels 1,254 miles from just upstream from El Paso, Texas, to the Gulf of Mexico. Millions upon millions of illegal crossings occur along the Rio Grand every year.

Here’s how we deal with this part of the U.S.-Mexico border. We find a handful of the best zoologists and big game hunters in the country and send them on safari in Africa. We give them a ton of bait and tranquilizer darts and send them after the deadly Nile crocodile. These nasty reptiles can grow to eighteen feet in length and reach a weight of 2,000 pounds. They are one of the most efficient killing machines ever on earth, quite capable of devouring a human, and the bite of a Nile crocodile has been measured at 3,000 pounds per square inch. Our intrepid hunters and zoologists will trap thousands of those buggers and transport them to the Rio Grand. Then for added fun, we send a bunch of fishermen with big nets to the Amazon River in South America where they can catch thousands of the legendary piranhas. These blood thirsty fish can strip a capybara corpse of every ounce of flesh in twelve minutes.

The Rio will be transformed from a placid, gentle river to a tempest of teeth and bad attitudes.

Now that we’ve taken care of border security for Texas, we need to address the remaining 750 miles of land border. You are gonna love this…

You buy a ton of paint, day-glow orange, and clearly mark the rest of the border. You then create a ten mile buffer zone that is marked off in a giant grid, not unlike a giant bingo card. Throughout this zone you plant millions of landmines, and mark them…incorrectly. Now here is the kicker…you install video cameras every quarter mile and televise the festivities. People can bet on which square the unfortunate border jumpers land when they trip a mine. You call it “Immigration Bingo”.

Anyone that runs this gauntlet of border security is immediately issued an immigration visa and starts on the fast track to U.S. citizenship.

This solution is beautiful in its simplicity, cost effectiveness, and deterrent effect. It’s a win, win. It’s whimsical. It’s perfect.

Paging Dr. Paul

Ladies and gentlemen I give you electoral imbecility, brought to you by those Bush The Lesser pseudo-conservative boot lickers over at National Review’s The Corner…

Rick Brookhiser on those despicable Ron Paul supporters…

I used the phrase a few months back when Ron Paul supporters jeered Giuliani on the Mackinac ferry, asking him what he did with the gold that was in the World Trade towers, before the U.S. government destroyed them. That is both wicked and idiotic…
The first episode featured truthers, the second appealed to hell-with-it libertarians (in the Seventies, they dropped acid and read the Illuminatus trilogy; thirty years have not improved them). Both have flocked to the Paul campaign like flies to waste.

The myopic disdain is dripping from Rick’s fangs like drool from those wicked Alien Trilogy monsters. This faction of mindless sycophants can’t stand the mere thought of a card carrying Republican whose mission it is to rock the proverbial boat and…*gasp*…pay heed to the Constitution.

Dr. Ron Paul is threatening the very establishment that brought us three presidential administrations that wiped their collective asses with the Constitution. And this snarling, duplicitous cabal, Sean Hannity, every contributor to the National Review, Fred Barnes, and Rush Limbaugh are, as Brookhiser did, likening Ron Paul supporters to flies and Dr. Paul to excrement.

In this day and age of “compassionate conservatism”, a term only applicable if uttered via our current President’s forked tongue, the strong arm of the GOP and its mouthpieces choose to do that which they profess to revile, insult and denigrate the opposition.

In a Republican field replete with big government, wolves in sheep’s clothing neo-con debutants with barely a passing appreciation for the Constitution and the restraints it puts on federal government Dr. Paul is the sole voice of sanity in a constant dirge of neo-con rhetoric. And I use the term “neo-con” with as much disdain as I can possibly muster.

Brookhiser goes further to denigrate the improbable single day record for campaign fund raising the Ron Paul movement set on November 5, implying that those who were part of this avalanche of support were just a bunch of wackos who wanted to see the reincarnation of Guy Fawkes, the guy that tried to blow up the British Parliament building in London. They were just a bunch of kooks who thought that the movie V For Vendetta was a documentary or prophecy.

These neo-cons will stop at nothing to ensure their cozy niche is not in any way disturbed, if that means rampant character assassination towards millions of Paul supporters and ad hominem attacks at Dr. Paul himself, then so be it. Their duplicity knows no bounds.

If for no other reason than to ruffle the feathers of a bunch of preening obsequious suck ups I will gleefully cast a write-in vote for Ron Paul for president in November 2008. That and I agree with nearly every thing he says.

In this day & age of glorified beauty contests otherwise called general elections Dr. Paul is a refreshing blend of honesty and insightfulness. His no fear approach to the process is unique and unseen since 1980 when Ronald Reagan bucked the establishment by running on a similar platform to Ron Paul.

If you want tighter border control and a visit back to the days of yore when the Constitution was more than a glitzy tourist attraction then vote for Ron Paul. If not, by all means, return the status quo to power and shut the f**k up when it blows up in your face.