Wednesday, October 20, 2004

Horror monster tournament

In my attempt to bring enlightenment to the world and make an indelible impression on the world of intellectual pursuits I bring you the Battle to end all battles; The Horror Movie Mayhem Tournament. In order to qualify one must have been in a credible horror movie and have a sizeable body count. Large groups of monsters as in Dawn of the Dead, Night of the Living Dead, Army of Darkness, 28 Days Later, Evil Dead, The Birds, Invasion of the Body Snatchers, Return of the Living Dead, Ghosts of Mars, etc., don’t qualify because it just wouldn’t be sporting to pit Jason against armies of undead, although he’d probably win. In the near future I’ll put together a horror movie Battle of the Armies. It would also be unfair to include nebulous spirits and entities that were in Amityville Horror, Poltergeist, Fallen, The Fog, Pet Cemetery, Frighteners, and Children of the Corn. Also, just for the sake of argument, since there have been dozens of portrayals of Dracula and vampires, mummies, werewolf’s, and Frankenstein I narrowed them down to one appearance a piece. As for Dracula I went with Gary Oldman’s version from Braum Stoker’s Dracula because it most closely resembles the original legend of Vlad Dracul. I am using the original Mummy because other versions were hokey and made him almost too powerful. Peter Boyle’s Frankenstein from Mel Brooks’ Young Frankenstein will ad a comedic flair to the tournament. The Werewolf is taken from the recent Van Helsing because they were just bad ass.

I divided them into divisions and based on their projected records they will be seeded accordingly in a one and done tournament bracket. Each monster will face each monster from its division twice, one home and one away, and there will be 16 weeks with no bye weeks. Next week I’ll breakdown their records and bracket them for the battle royal. Let the games begin!

Stephen King Division
Jack Nicholson in The Shining

The Classics Division
The Mummy
The Werewolf

Live in Alternate Dimensions Division
Freddy Kreuger
The Leprechaun
The Tall Man
Girl from The Ring

From Outer Space Division
The Thing

Redneck Division
Brothers from Wrong Turn
Killers from Last House on the Left
Rednecks from Deliverance

All Time Decapitation Division
Headless Horseman
The Relic
Pin Head

Occult Division
Blair Witch
Candy Man
Linda Blair from The Exorcist

Just Plain Stupid Division
Michael Myers
Pumpkin Head
Scream killer