Friday, October 22, 2004

Monster Mayhem divisional preview

As we get closer to the Horror Monster World Cup here are the division previews. As I said before each monster will play its division rivals twice plus ten more contests with non divisional opponents, including a match with a team from each division. I will try to be faithful to natural rivalries such as Freddy vs. Jason, Michael Myers vs. Jason, Alien vs. Predator (division rivals by the way), and Dracula vs. the Werewolf. There will be no bye weeks for candy ass monsters nursing war wounds. Suck it up you minions of horror. LET’S GET READY TO RUMBLE!!!!!

Disclaimer: Hannibal Lecter was left out because Silence of the Lambs was more of a suspense/mystery type movie and not pure horror although Anthony Hopkins was deliciously evil.

The Stephen King Division is Its to lose. While Carrie does have wicked supernatural powers It can change form and attack from anywhere at any time. Christine is intriguing as no one wants to face a 1957 Plymouth Fury with the power of regeneration. Jack Nicholson is toast and may not win a single match.

The Classics Division is a two monster race. Dracula and the Werewolf should battle for the division title all year. The Mummy is a dark horse because he is gifted with immortality but so are the favorites. Frankenstein is too slow and prodding to be a serious threat to the top division rivals.

Maybe the closest divisional race is in the Alternate Dimensions Division. All could conceivably vie for the division crown but Freddy and the Tall Man are the prohibitive favorites. The Leprechaun could challenge if his gold gets stolen and that creepy girl from The Ring could pull off the upset. Her disadvantage is that probably no one in this tourney will be that scared of her. Just don’t play the tape.

The Outer Space Division is a complete toss up. This is the deepest division in the showdown. Any body could win this one. Alien is quick as hell and has acid for blood, Predator has a multitude of weapons and a cunning nature, The Thing is strong and quick and vicious, and Species can move from one body to the next and if it mates everyone is screwed.

The funniest group to watch will be the Redneck Division. The brothers from Wrong Turn are just plain nasty and have shotguns. The Deliverance rednecks are great hunters and love tying up their victims to tree stumps. “Squeal piggy!” Leatherface is maybe the most famous face in the tournament and is a great decorator. The Last House on the Left quartet is savage but ill equipped. They may have a hard time.

The Decapitation division features three of the most notorious monsters in the game. Jason, Pin Head, and the Headless Horseman all have lengthy resumes and some of the biggest body counts in the contest. Jason is probably the odds on favorite but don’t forget about the Relic, Pin Head, and the Headless Horseman. All four of these guys could win the whole thing. The Decapitation and Outer Space Divisions are the toughest calls.

The weakest division in the contest is the Occult. No one in this division will more than likely get very far in the tourney. The wildcards are Linda Blair and Damien. Having the devil on your side is a decided advantage. But Candy Man is immortal and should be favored. His biggest weakness is the mirror thing. Just as with the girl from The Ring there is an easy way to negate his power. The Blair Witch is going to get chewed up and spit out.

The most ridiculous monsters lie in the aptly named Stupid Division. Chucky’s a little beeyatch, Pumpkin Head, is just plain weird, Michael Myers never runs but always shows up right in front of you, and the Scream killer is just a teenaged guy in a robe. Myers should win this division.