Sunday, October 31, 2004

The monster tournament conclusion

The quarter finals were literally a blood bath. All four matches were titanic struggles and shook the foundations of horror. Here’s the gory details.

Dracula methodically picked off the WT brothers in sadistic fashion but not before his immortality was nearly ended with a well aimed arrow that barely missed the vampire’s heart. Dracula pulled out the arrow and systematically slaughtered all three of the white trash trio.

IT had a massive tussle on his hands when he tangled with Werewolf. The two fought for hours with Werewolf delivering a nearly fatal blow to IT whilst the alien was in clown form. But IT changed appearance which seemed to confuse Werewolf. IT brandished a .357 revolver and loaded a silver bullet and shot Werewolf in the heart.

Freddy vs. Pin Head was the rubber match between these two division rivals. Suffice to say these two were not fond of each other. This match was unequaled as far as sheer savagery goes. Pin Head called forth his little helpers which proved too much for Kreuger. The floating chains came out as Freddy frantically tried to solve the infamous puzzle box. The chains jostled the cube from Freddy’s hand and Pin Head and his servants tore Kreuger to pieces, bit by bloody bit.

Predator made short work of Relic. Pred shredded Relic with diabolical ease.

So the semis shape up like this…

Dracula vs. IT
Pin Head vs. Predator

These were classic duels.

Dracula and IT, the two most intelligent monsters in the tournament, battled for literally days. Each kept trying to size each other up hoping to find an exploitable weakness. Finally Dracula got the opening he needed as IT got sloppy trying to snatch a child from a nearby town. Dracula followed as his patience finally paid off. IT exposed his back and the vampire pounced. IT immediately changed into spider form but it was too late. Dracula scratched out the alien’s eyes and then bled IT dry.

Pin Head called upon his minions once again. One by one Predator wasted them then the two came face to face. The chains temporarily ensnared Predator and Pin Head closed. Pred broke free but it was too late. Predator’s invisibility was of little use as Pin Head used his favorite weapon and gutted the extra terrestrial.

So the championship featured Dracula against Pin Head. As a matter of pride and courtesy Pin Head refused to seek the aid of his trusted cohorts and this would prove to be his undoing. Dracula easily dodged the chains and found the cube. Once again, Dracula’s intelligence, patience, and cunning proved too much for his opponent. He easily solved the cube’s puzzle and Pin Head was eliminated.

There you have it. A scientific breakdown of what would happen if the most notorious horror monsters in cinematic history squared off in a no holds barred tournament. Dracula reigns supreme.